Master of Formalities

by Scott Meyer

  “Wonderful,” Lady Jakabitus said. “Neither of you can tell me what to do, but you can tell me when I have to do it.”

  “I am sorry, Milady,” Wollard said.

  “Don’t be,” she said. “I’m genuinely pleased. This means that if he doesn’t come out on his own within the next four hours, I have to send in the guards.”

  “Perhaps, Milady, but it would certainly be preferable to avoid that.”

  “Certainly,” Lady Jakabitus said, smiling. “I can imagine how unpleasant it would be to have armed guards drag Hennik out of there, kicking and screaming.”

  “Indeed, Milady. So, I would—”

  “Wait,” Lady Jakabitus said. “Give me a moment. I’m imagining it.” She closed her eyes and took a long, deep breath.

  Wollard said, “I would suggest that we pursue all available diplomatic options to defuse the situation before resorting to the guards.”

  “Of course you would. I suppose you want me to go talk to him.”

  “In fact, no, Milady. We don’t want to be seen as caving into his demands. He knows that I am your official envoy. I would suggest that any communication continue to go through me.”

  “But you’ve already spoken to him. It doesn’t seem like it did much good.”

  “No, Milady, but perhaps I can wear him down over time.”

  “Four hours.”

  “I’ll try to work fast. Also, that would be only one of the possible diplomatic solutions Phee and I would pursue.”

  “Really?” Lady Jakabitus asked. “Who else do you intend to talk to, his valet?”

  “His father, Milady. I would suggest trying to open a back channel to Lord Kamar Hahn.”

  “What could that possibly accomplish, save for giving Lord Hahn a good laugh?”

  Wollard said, “I know Lord Hahn gave you the impression that he does not care about Master Hennik, but I do not have to remind you that the Hahn armed forces have grown more and more aggressive since Master Hennik came here. It is possible that Lord Hahn has been trying to apply pressure in the hopes of regaining his son.”

  “You’re suggesting that there may be a way to rid ourselves of Hennik and end the current Hahn offensive in one stroke?” Lady Jakabitus asked.

  “It may be possible, Milady. The only way to know is to open some form of communication. I should also point out that we would have to be very careful to conduct this maneuver in such a way as to avoid a loss of face for House Jakabitus.”

  “Of course,” Lady Jakabitus agreed, “but stopping the offensive and getting rid of Hennik might be worth losing a little face. If Lord Hahn wanted Hennik back, wouldn’t he have made some statement to that effect?”

  “Your Ladyship, Lord Hahn is Hennik’s father. I’m certain that he wants Hennik back. He may simply have a hard time expressing his more tender feelings. Fathers can be prone to that.”

  38.

  “Open the door this instant, you little snot!” Lord Jakabitus bellowed through the training room door.

  Hennik was sitting in a priceless antique chair, which was resting on its back two legs against the door. His arms were folded, and he had a smile on his face. His head was tilted forward. He had been resting his head against the door, but Lord Jakabitus had proved to be a bit of a door-pounder.

  “Temper, temper,” Hennik said. “You wouldn’t want the help to get the idea that you weren’t a patient and loving father.”

  “Don’t you talk to me about being a father,” Lord Jakabitus shouted. “My son has been taken hostage. Any good father would be angry, Hennik, or would at least have the good sense to act angry.”

  If that comment upset Hennik, he didn’t show it. “But what about your other son, Your Lordship? I’m your son too, or so you’ve said, and I’m barricaded in an enemy stronghold, fearing for my life.”

  Hennik winked at Rayzo, who was one of the three people in the galaxy who knew that Hennik’s barricade consisted entirely of a sturdy cord securing the doors shut and the chair on which Hennik was sitting. During one of the brief intervals when Rayzo was not gagged, he had asked if Hennik really thought it was enough to keep anybody out.

  “No, cowardice will keep your parents and their staff out,” Hennik had explained. “If they decide to call in the armed guards, nothing I can do would keep them out, so anything more than the flimsiest token resistance would be overkill.”

  Hennik’s low estimation of Rayzo’s family and staff had stung, and with each passing minute of his ridiculous captivity, it stung more.

  “I’m not sure it’s wise to antagonize His Lordship,” Migg said.

  “Please, Migg,” Hennik said in a hushed tone, lest Lord Jakabitus hear him. “If I avoided doing things just because you didn’t think they were a good idea, I wouldn’t have done any of the things I’ve done since I got here.

  “What about it, Father?” Hennik said over his shoulder, to the door. “Aren’t you worried for my well-being?”

  After a long silence, Lord Jakabitus said, “Nobody wants to see you harmed, Hennik.”

  Rayzo, still bound and gagged, and Migg, who was standing by him, ready to ungag or untie him the instant she was ordered to do so, exchanged a look that said that neither of them agreed with Lord Jakabitus on that point.

  “I hope that’s true,” Hennik said in his most angelic voice. “But the fact that you’ve expressed so much concern for my little brother and so little for me speaks volumes. A good father never plays favorites. I intend to dote on my adopted son, little Rayzo.”

  Rayzo’s eyes grew wide upon hearing Hennik refer to him as little Rayzo.

  “My son and his future siblings will be the center of my universe.”

  Migg’s eyes grew wide at the implication that Hennik might expect to sire children, seeing as she was the sole female inhabitant of Hennik’s makeshift Hahn colony.

  “Enjoy your little game while you can, Hennik,” Lord Jakabitus said. “When you do come out of that room, and you will come out, you’ll find that everything has changed. You’ve burned off the last pretense of good will anyone on this planet had for you.”

  “Pretense?” Hennik said. “Are you saying that you’ve been misleading me?”

  Rayzo had seen enough of Hennik’s attempts at acting to notice the sincere surprise in the Hahn boy’s voice.

  “Haven’t you been misleading us?” Lord Jakabitus asked. “Pretending to adapt to life here while planning this ridiculous farce of yours?”

  “That’s different,” Hennik said. “I was misleading you as a demonstration of my disrespect for you.”

  “And we let you believe it was working for similar reasons,” Lord Jakabitus said.

  “But the difference, Your Lordship,” Hennik said, biting off each word as if it were spelled in letters made of gristle, “is that I was right to disrespect you.”

  Once he was done laughing, His Lordship said, “Well, son, we’ll discuss that once you get sick of cowering in this little play fort you’ve made. Eventually you’ll get tired and hungry, or you’ll wise up and realize that you have no choice. Then, we’ll talk about how one goes about earning respect.”

  Hennik muttered, “How would you know, you married into it,” but Lord Jakabitus didn’t hear. His laugh grew distant as he walked away from the door.

  Hennik smirked at Rayzo and Migg, as if to say, you saw me win that argument, right?

  Rayzo looked up at Migg, then rolled his eyes downward and nodded his head, indicating his gag as best he could. After Hennik gave her a glum shrug, Migg pulled the gag out of Rayzo’s mouth and left it hanging around his neck.

  “Are you comfortable, Master Rayzo?” she asked.

  “No, but that’s not your fault,” he replied. Then he addressed Hennik, “Okay, fine, you’ve got me. You asked me to meet you here first thing to discuss sports strategy, and then you ordered yo
ur valet to help you subdue me and tie me up. Well done. Now, how do you see this playing out? Do you really think we’re going to spend the rest of our lives living in this room as father and son?”

  Hennik shook his head. “Of course not. I expect you’ll leave home when you’ve come of age. I’ve adopted you, but that doesn’t mean I plan to support you for the rest of your life. You need to be your own man.”

  39.

  Phee had difficulty keeping Wollard’s pace as she followed him through the palace. She’d never seen anyone walk so slowly. When people walked, they were usually either trying to get to somewhere or get away from somewhere. Phee knew that Wollard hadn’t liked being in Her Ladyship’s office, but he was perhaps equally apprehensive about talking to Hennik. As his distaste for his destination was barely beaten out by the discomfort that would have come from remaining where he’d been, the net result was a leisurely walking pace that gave him plenty of time to think, which at one time had seemed like a positive thing.

  The process of crafting the unofficial message to Kamar Hahn had not gone smoothly. In times past, it was the kind of task Lady Jakabitus would have simply asked Wollard to handle. He would have shown her a draft, which she would have glanced at with a cursory thank you. This time, she had insisted that Wollard compose the message in her presence. Her Ladyship had questioned, challenged, and demanded changes to every word of the message. In the end, she’d declared that it would have been easier and less irritating if she had left Wollard out of it and written the message herself.

  Wollard had said, “Yes, Milady,” out of reflex, but was disturbed to find that he meant it.

  Wollard slowed to a stop just before he reached the training room, in front of the all-too-familiar door to the library. Without speaking a word, he pushed the door open and entered. Phee followed.

  She knew he was still unhappy with her, and was certain he was about to tell her what her punishment would be.

  The night before, she had sent Keln one last message, saying that it was just that—one last message. She didn’t blame Keln for her predicament. She had chosen to answer the messages. She did blame Keln for sending the messages, thus putting her in a position to have to choose.

  Wollard walked silently to one of the bookcases and looked at the spines of the ancient books. Phee made certain the door was closed behind them, then took a single step into the room and stood there silently. If Wollard had already decided, it wouldn’t help for her to say anything in her defense. If he hadn’t, there was a good chance she’d say something that did more harm than good.

  “Phee,” Wollard said, still facing the books.

  “Yes, Wollard?”

  Wollard bowed his head and said nothing for a long time. Phee considered repeating herself, but she knew he’d heard.

  He turned to face her then, and she’d never seen him look so sad. She’d never seen him look sad at all, for that matter. The entire time she’d been his protégée, his emotional range had seemed limited to cheerful satisfaction at one end and benevolent disapproval at the other. The sight of Wollard’s eyes moistening upset her, but it was his frown that disturbed her most. She simply hadn’t realized his mouth could bend that way. Though she should have been concerned about what this meant for her punishment, she was much more concerned for Wollard than she was for herself.

  Her concerns were well founded.

  Wollard asked, “What went wrong, Phee?”

  She stammered for a second, then said the one thing she was sure of. “I don’t know.”

  “Did I make some mistake? Phee, you’re smart. You were here the whole time. Did I do something wrong?”

  “Not that I saw,” Phee said.

  “We had precedent on our side, right?” Wollard asked.

  “Yes. We both saw the precedents.”

  “It was a peaceful means of ending the war with the Hahn,” Wollard said. “It had worked before.”

  “In the short term,” Phee said, “but that’s the only way peace plans ever seem to work.”

  “There was nothing in the precedents to warn us of what a fiasco this would be.”

  “No,” Phee said. “None of the precedents specifically covered adopting a Hahn.”

  Wollard said, “Still, form dictates that Master Hennik should have either openly fought and struggled with all his energy or assimilated himself into daily life at the palace, if only for the sake of his own comfort. That’s good form! That’s what the Formalities are all about! Who is he to fight that?”

  “He’s a Hahn,” Migg said.

  “Hahn is supposed to be a fully arbitrated, civilized world.”

  “But Hennik has shown us that the one thing we can count on the Hahn to do is the opposite of what they’re supposed to do.”

  Wollard exhaled heavily. His shoulders sagged. He seemed to age twenty years in the course of a few seconds.

  “If the archivists don’t come up with something,” Wollard said, “she’s going to send in armed guards.”

  “I think we’re lucky she’s decided to wait the four hours,” Phee said.

  “Agreed. For a moment I thought she might send them in early just to spite me.”

  “How bad would that be?”

  “Disastrous. When word gets out, I can’t think of a way to package it that won’t lose face for House Jakabitus. There’s no way Her Ladyship can come out of it without looking cruel. She doesn’t seem to realize that.”

  Phee said, “I think she does, but she also suspects that Hennik has already made her look weak and foolish. She’d prefer to seem cruel.”

  Wollard closed his eyes and said, “Of course, you’re right.”

  “And how does this play out for Master Hennik?” Phee asked.

  “The best case scenario is badly. If he gets his way, he lives out the rest of his life as lord and master of the gymnasium.”

  “Surely he’s just hoping that if he makes Her Ladyship miserable enough, she’ll let him go home.”

  “And he’s partially correct,” Wollard said. “She’ll let him go to prison. He will be dragged out kicking and screaming, and then treated as a prisoner. His best hope is that I can convince him to come out peaceably and say that this has all been a joke.”

  Phee shook her head. “Her Ladyship will probably have him carted off anyway.”

  “Almost certainly. That’s why we never predicted he might do this. No rational person would have forced the issue like he has.”

  That’s exactly why we should have predicted that he might, Phee thought, but chose not to say.

  “Really though, this situation is only a problem if people find out,” Phee said. “There has to be some way to keep it quiet. I know the staff won’t talk.”

  “As I told Her Ladyship, the disruption of the normal routine will have already been noticed. If we say nothing about the disruption, it will be suspicious. If we lie, it will look worse when the truth ultimately comes out. Even if we camouflage the disruption, and the palace staff and security team keep the secret, Hennik will eventually tell someone the story, and he’s certain to put Her Ladyship in the worst possible light.”

  Phee considered what Wollard had said. “So, if Her Ladyship sends in the guards, Master Hennik will have the ammunition to make her look like a liar if he’s ever allowed out in public again. If, on the other hand, he is not seen in public again, she’ll still look like a liar. The only way for her not to lose face is if she doesn’t have to root him out with armed guards.”

  “Which she is going to do with a smile on her face, in a little under three hours,” Wollard said.

  “Unless the archivists find something. Do you think they will?”

  “Phee, have you ever sent a request to the archivists that took less than three hours?”

  “So it’s hopeless,” Phee said.

  Wollard stood up, straightened his
suit, and said, “Never. It’s not hopeless, Phee. Indeed, the way forward is clear. I simply must go to the training room and talk Master Hennik into cooperating.”

  Wollard walked out of the library with new purpose in his step. Phee followed, listlessly.

  40.

  Shly walked quickly out of the service lift and through the servant’s corridor to the kitchen. Kreet followed close behind, giving her further incentive to maintain her pace.

  Kreet said, “You must be excited.”

  “Must I?” Shly asked.

  “Yeah,” Kreet said.

  “If you say so.”

  Kreet still barely made a sound if anyone other than Shly was present, but when it was just the two of them, he came out of his shell. As a result, Shly tried her hardest to make sure there was always someone else around. Occasionally that was not possible, and this was one of those occasions.

  “I just mean, you’re going to get to see Master Rayzo and Master Hennik.”

  “I see both of them every day, Kreet. So do you.”

  “Yeah, nobody’s seen either of them today.”

  “I doubt the time away has changed them much,” Shly said.

  “Which of them are you more excited to see?”

  “I’m not excited to see either of them, Kreet.”

  “Yeah, yeah, so you say, but which one are you more excited to see? You must like one more than the other.”

  “Everybody likes Master Rayzo more than Master Hennik.”

  “So, Master Rayzo’s the one you’re excited to see?”

  “Kreet, I’ve told you, I am not interested in either of them. I’m just not. It’s my job to serve them drinks and be friendly. I have no interest in any romantic relationship with either of them. Do you understand?”