Master of Formalities

by Scott Meyer

  “Yes,” Kreet said, smiling. “I understand.”

  “Good.”

  “But if you were interested, it would be in Master Rayzo, right?”

  Luckily, they were almost to the kitchen, so Shly only had to ignore Kreet for a few seconds.

  Barsparse and Ebbler had finished the postbreakfast cleanup and were just launching into preparation for the lunch service. Breakfast had apparently been a tense, quiet affair, with Lord and Lady Jakabitus determinedly not discussing the reason for the boys’ absence.

  “Pardon me, Chef Barsparse. Wollard has asked me to borrow one of your portable catering-grade bulkfabs.”

  They didn’t really need one of Barsparse’s machines. Any bulkfab was perfectly capable of producing food. Even the one Umily used to create fresh towels and bed linens could just as easily produce a hot meal for a family of twelve. The bulkfabs that the palace staff referred to as catering grade were mechanically indistinct from any other bulkfab, but they were specially designed for members of the ruling family and their guests to use. Each was housed in an ornate polished silver casing with contrasting brass handles and decorative flourishes that spoke of elegant, artistic craftsmanship, not the mere creation of things. Their menus had been limited to only allow the production of those fully finished dishes that met Chef Barsparse’s standards, namely exact copies of dishes she herself had prepared. Like most of the devices that were used directly by members of the ruling family, these bulkfabs were simplified and streamlined to ensure a positive experience through enhanced decoration and limited choice.

  “Done,” Barsparse said. The chef set down her knife and walked to a large door that rolled up into the ceiling at her approach, revealing shelves covered with identical shining bulkfab units. They were kept on hand for special events, and sat unused the rest of the time.

  “What do you need it for?” Barsparse asked. She was simply curious. Shly could have told her that they intended to use it as a battering ram to bust through the training room door, and Barsparse wouldn’t have minded.

  “I’m to take it into the training room for Master Hennik, Master Rayzo, and Migg.”

  Barsparse touched one of the devices and gently guided its movements as it lifted itself from the shelf and floated effortlessly out into the room. “If I turn off its grav-field, we can make the utilitics carry it in,” she offered, hoping to keep Shly out of harm’s way.

  Ebbler said, “Or they can just open the door and you can shove the bulkfab in their direction.”

  “Master Hennik specifically requested that I bring it in.”

  “You and Kreet,” Ebbler said, motioning to Kreet, who was standing next to Shly.

  “No, just me,” Shly said.

  “Oh, so why are you here, Kreet?”

  Kreet shrugged.

  Ebbler shrugged at Shly, who shrugged back.

  Well,” Barsparse said, “that’s some real good shrugging, but my sous chef has work to do, and so do you, Shly. Kreet, I expect you’ll be leaving with Shly.”

  “Yes,” Kreet said.

  “Yes, well, off you go then. Good luck, Shly. I don’t envy you.”

  “Dealing with Master Hennik?”

  “Or any other part of this.”

  Shly guided the hovering bulkfab out into the servant’s corridor and walked as fast as she could to the lift.

  “So,” Kreet said. “About Master Rayzo and Master Hennik—”

  “I told you Kreet, I’m not interested in them.”

  “I know. I believe you.”

  “Good, because it’s true.”

  “Sure. I was just going to say, since you’re not interested in either of them, there’s no reason you and I can’t get something going.”

  “What do you mean, get something going?”

  Kreet said, “I think you know what I mean.”

  “I think so too, but I want to be clear. Do you want some kind of romantic relationship with me, Kreet?”

  “Yeah, I guess. Why not, right?”

  Of course, she’d known all along that this was what Kreet wanted, and she’d been anxiously waiting for him to ask. She couldn’t decline something that hadn’t yet been offered.

  Shly stopped walking, pulling lightly on the bulkfab to stop its momentum. She looked both directions up and down the hall to make sure nobody was there to hear.

  “Kreet,” Shly said, “I’m sorry. It wouldn’t work.”

  “It sounds like you wish it would, though.”

  “I’m not interested in having a relationship with anyone right now.”

  “But you may be in the future, right?”

  “I’m not looking for a relationship.”

  “Sometimes a relationship finds you.”

  “I don’t want a relationship.”

  “I understand,” Kreet said. “It’s all right, Shly. I get it.”

  “Really?” Shly asked.

  “Yeah. I don’t really need a relationship right now either.”

  “Good.”

  “Yeah, so I figure we could just casually—”

  “Kreet!” Shly interrupted. “I’m sorry, Kreet, but I’m just not interested.”

  Shly resumed walking. Kreet followed.

  “Shly,” he said miserably. “Shly, talk to me.”

  “I did. I’m sorry that you didn’t like what I said, but making me repeat it won’t help.”

  “I really think we could be great for each other.”

  “But I don’t.”

  “But if you’ll just hear me out—”

  “Kreet, you can’t talk me into wanting you.”

  “How do you know if you won’t let me try?”

  Shly kept walking.

  “Come on,” Kreet whined. “Shly. Shly. I’m talking to you, Shly!”

  Shly hoped that if she just stayed silent and kept walking, Kreet would stop following her. She got her wish. Kreet ran ahead then stood in her way. She tried to step around him, but he grasped the bulkfab machine and held it firmly in place.

  “Why are you being so cruel?” Kreet hissed.

  “Because you’re forcing me to be! I don’t want to say these things. I don’t want to have this conversation. I just want you to stop bothering me and let me do my job.”

  Shly tried to wrest control of the hovering bulkfab machine away from Kreet, but he had a good grip and would not let go.

  Kreet’s eyes and voice softened. “Shly. Beautiful Shly. Why won’t you let me love you?”

  “Because I don’t want you to, and nothing you can do will change my mind.” She yanked sharply on the bulkfab machine and it broke free.

  Kreet stood stunned, in the middle of the corridor, as Shly walked around him. Before she entered the service elevator, Shly turned back to Kreet and said, “It’s like I said, I’m just not interested in getting involved with anyone. Not you, Master Rayzo, Master Hennik, or Ebbler, and that’s not going to change.”

  Shly entered the lift, and as the doors closed, she heard Kreet ask, “Hey, who said anything about Ebbler?”

  Shly finally reached the training room door with the bulkfab machine. Most of the staff had dispersed, having gone back to their work. Only Hartchar, Wollard, and Phee continued their vigil by the door.

  Wollard was trying to talk Hennik into coming out peaceably, with predictable results.

  “Master Hennik, it really would be best for everyone if you simply opened the door and ended this.”

  “I don’t care what’s best for everyone,” Hennik shouted through the door. “I only care about what’s best for me.”

  “Isn’t that a rather selfish way to go through life, Master Hennik?”

  “Not at all. I think everyone else is being selfish, always thinking about what’s best for everybody else, not me.”

  “I don
’t think that’s quite what the word selfish means, Master Hennik.”

  “Yeah, well, who decided that?”

  “I’m not sure I understand the question, Master Hennik. Are you asking me who coined the word selfish?”

  “No, dullard, I’m asking who decided what it means, and since you can’t keep up with the conversation, I’ll answer the question for you. Everybody. Everybody decided what selfish means, and I already told you what I think of everybody and their ideas about my behavior.”

  Shly cleared her throat, hoping to get Wollard’s attention, which she did.

  “Ah, good,” Wollard said. “Master Hennik, Shly has returned with the bulkfab you requested.”

  “I requested nothing,” Hennik said. “I demanded a bulkfab, and you acquiesced.”

  Wollard made a small, strained smile and said, “It is a semantic argument, Master Hennik.”

  “Which I’ve won,” Hennik said. “Now stop wasting everybody’s time and send the girl in with the machine. I know you won’t try anything while the door is open.”

  “I wouldn’t consider it, Master Hennik.”

  “No, you really wouldn’t, would you?” Hennik laughed. “All right, I’m going to disassemble the barricade and let her in. It’ll take a minute.”

  Wollard, Phee, Shly, and Hartchar stood in silence, listening for sounds of exertion on the other side of the door, which they did not hear. Hartchar squared her shoulders toward the door, crouched slightly, as if preparing to rush Hennik as soon as he opened the doors, and looked to Wollard with an expression that seemed to say, How about it?

  Wollard shook his head.

  Hartchar narrowed her eyes, as if to ask, Really?! Why not?

  Wollard frowned and shook his head again.

  Hartchar’s expression hardened. She looked at Wollard, then at the door. She was obviously considering rushing Hennik anyway. She looked back at Wollard, who was shaking his head more emphatically now. She looked at Phee, shrugged, then rose up out of her crouch. Wollard looked at Phee and saw her shaking her head, which was clearly the thing that had actually convinced Hartchar not to act.

  While Wollard was grateful to Phee for intervening, he was mortified that it had been necessary.

  Finally, the door opened a crack. Then it opened a bit further. Then it opened enough for Hennik to poke his head out.

  He looked around, then said, “Okay. Good. It was wise of you to not try to take me by force. Weak, but wise.”

  He sneered at Hartchar as he pushed the door open a bit more and motioned for Shly to come forward.

  After Shly pushed the gleaming bulkfab into the training room, Hennik shut the door behind her and quickly retied the barricade.

  The training room looked exactly as it always did, except that Rayzo was gagged and tied to a chair. Shly curtsied and said, “Hello, Master Rayzo.”

  Rayzo attempted to return the greeting, but his words came out as a muffled tangle of wet consonant sounds.

  Shly turned to Migg, who was standing next to Rayzo’s chair, looking embarrassed.

  “Migg,” Shly said.

  Migg nodded and said, “Shly. It’s good to see you.”

  Hennik said, “No greetings for me, Shly?”

  Shly turned, faced Hennik, and performed the most reluctant looking curtsy he had ever seen, which he respected.

  “Master Hennik. I’ve been instructed to bring you this bulkfab machine.”

  “Yes,” Hennik said. “Instructed by me.”

  “And where would you like me to put the bulkfab, Master Hennik?”

  “Next to my son.”

  Shly considered pretending not to know that Hennik was referring to Rayzo, but she had been instructed not to antagonize him, just to drop off the machine and get out. She guided the bulkfab over next to Rayzo, who rolled his eyes, which was so unexpected it almost made her giggle.

  Migg said, “Thank you, Shly.”

  Shly nodded to Migg, then turned back to Hennik.

  “There,” she said. “The device is delivered, Master Hennik. If there’s nothing else, I’ll be on my way.”

  Hennik leaned against the doorjamb in a way he hoped looked nonchalant. “There is one other matter,” he said.

  “Yes, Master Hennik?”

  “I wanted to talk to you about operating the device.”

  “Bulkfabs are not complicated, Master Hennik, and this one’s interface has been streamlined to make it easy to use.”

  “Yes,” Hennik said, “but it would be even easier if you stayed here to operate it.”

  “You already have Migg here. She’s your valet. I should think she’d be able to operate the machine for you.”

  “But you forget, there’s also my newly adopted son who needs tending. I fear that assisting me and raising my son would be too much work for Migg. No, it would be better if you stayed on with us.”

  “I serve Lady Jakabitus and House Jakabitus,” Shly said. She started toward the door, but Hennik blocked her path. She stopped just inches before walking into him.

  “Look, Shly, I understand,” Hennik said, smiling sickeningly. “You’re worried that you’ll get stuck taking care of the boy. Don’t worry, Migg will be assigned to little Rayzo. You’ll be in charge of meeting my needs.”

  “I serve House Jakabitus,” Shly repeated. “If you are, as you say, no longer a member of House Jakabitus, than I have no duty to serve you, but do have a duty to get back to my work.”

  Hennik said. “I can’t let you leave. You’re on Hahn soil, and as the ranking Hahn, I am in charge here.”

  “I’m not on soil. We’re standing on a floor.”

  “Yes, but it’s the Hahn’s floor.”

  “Master Hennik, are you going to let me leave?”

  “No.”

  Shly leaned a bit to the side. At first Hennik thought she was going to kiss him on the cheek, but instead she shouted at the closed door. “Wollard, are you hearing all this?”

  “Yes, Shly.”

  “Am I allowed to use force to remove myself from this room?”

  “That would be suboptimal, Shly.”

  “But can I do it?”

  “It is within your power,” Wollard said, “but you would almost certainly be terminated.”

  Shly looked at Hennik’s smug face for a moment, then shouted, “Would I be given a good reference?”

  Wollard said, “I can’t speak for Her Ladyship or Glaz. I should think they would speak glowingly of your service, as you have always been quite dependable and a delight to have about, but I can tell you that word would eventually spread that you were terminated for assaulting a member of the ruling family.”

  She took another moment to study Hennik.

  “Would people know which member?”

  “I can’t guarantee it,” Wollard said.

  Shly groaned. “It might still be worth it. I’ll have to think about it, but I suppose I might as well think about it on this side of the door.”

  41.

  Wollard remained by the door, keeping the communications flowing, trying to talk Hennik out of his folly.

  Hennik remained in his chair against the door, pretending to listen to give Wollard hope, then occasionally dashing that hope for his own amusement.

  Rayzo wished Wollard would stop. He appreciated the effort, but Rayzo had known Wollard his whole life, and the man didn’t sound good. He was talking faster and higher than usual. It gave his words a frantic quality that made Rayzo uncomfortable.

  Rayzo looked back and forth between Shly and Migg. He wished he could ask them if they were sensing it too, but he was gagged, and even if he could talk, he wouldn’t want to encourage Hennik.

  Shly was simmering with rage. Migg was listening intently.

  On the other side of the door, Phee, Hartchar, and Glaz stood by
silently while Wollard continued his efforts to reason with Hennik.

  “I really do think it would be best if you came out, Master Hennik.”

  “Oh, you really do think that,” Hennik said. “That’s quite an upgrade from two minutes ago, when you just thought it would be best if I came out. That’s real progress. At this rate, it won’t be long until you’re absolutely certain.”

  “I apologize for repeating myself,” Wollard said, wincing, “but you’re forcing the issue. Master Hennik, you’ve made your point. I suggest that you come out of there before things take a nasty turn.”

  There was a long silence. Wollard leaned in closer, almost pressing his ear to the door.

  Quietly, Hennik said, “Do you really think I’ve made my point, Wollard?”

  “Yes, Master Hennik, I do.”

  “What is my point, Wollard?”

  “Master Hennik?”

  Hennik’s voice grew back to normal volume. “You said I’ve made my point, Wollard. If that’s so, you should be able to tell me what that point is. If you can’t, why should I listen to anything else you have to say?”

  Lady Jakabitus said, “The boy’s got a point.”

  Wollard stiffened, then turned to face Her Ladyship. Phee, Glaz, and Hartchar were already standing at attention.

  Lady Jakabitus and Lord Jakabitus were both present, standing in the hallway flanked by five armed and armored palace guards.

  It was rare to see a palace guard in person and up close. The theory was that they were a more menacing presence if they were invisible and unknowable, but being this close to five of them, in their hulking, light-blue battle armor, grimacing protective masks, and high-velocity arm-mounted bulk-guns tied to the obscenely oversized ammo-bulk tanks strapped to their backs, made Wollard doubt that theory.

  “Your Ladyship, again, I must tell you that I think using force is not the most advantageous course of action.”

  “Yes,” Lady Jakabitus said, “and again I must disregard your opinion.”

  Wollard looked as if he’d been slapped. For an instant, Phee saw a glimmer of regret on Lady Jakabitus’s face, but it was gone too quickly to be sure.