Finding Myself In You

by Melanie J. Cole

  She pushes up onto her elbows and the wash cloth slides down onto her chest. “Why are you in such a good mood?” She asks, eyeing me skeptically.

  I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know. I’m just in a really good mood, I guess.”

  “Well stop it. It’s making me feel even worse.”

  I walk over and drop down onto her bed. “What’s wrong?”

  She blinks up at me and her eyes are bloodshot and she has dark circles beneath her light blue eyes. “I think I’ve got the flu.”

  I shoot off the bed like a bullet. The last thing I need is to get sick. “You need to go to the doctor.” I tell her, putting as much space between us as possible.

  “Thanks for the tip.” She grabs a tissue off of her bedside table and begins coughing into it. Ewww!

  My phone rings and I can’t help but to smile when I see my aunt’s name pop up. She’s the best!

  “I’ll be right back.” I tell Amanda, and step out into the hall.

  “Hello…”

  “Hey girlie,” Merita singsongs into the phone.

  “Hey woman, what’s up?”

  “I’m headed up your way this weekend and was wondering if you wanted to go to the spa with me? It’s my treat.”

  Hell’s bells! Could this day get any better? I actually do a little dance, causing a couple of girls to throw me snide looks. I don’t even care. “Hell yeah I’ll go.” I think about poor Amanda lying in there, sick as a dog. I wonder if she’ll be better by then. It’s only Tuesday. Ah what the hell? It’s worth a shot. “Can Amanda come with us?”

  “Sure, the more the merrier.” Merita’s the greatest!

  “What time are we going?”

  I’m leaving here around seven on Saturday. I should be there by ten. I have a few errands to run, so how about twelve? We’ll grab some lunch and then head to the spa. Does that sound good to you?”

  “Um – yeah.”

  “Great, I’ll see you on Saturday. Love you.”

  “Love you, too.”

  I slip my phone into my back pocket, and step back inside of the room. Amanda is sitting at her desk brushing her hair. She tosses her brush down and grabs another tissue, blowing her nose loudly.

  “Hey, what are you doing?”

  She looks at me through the mirror, with a duh look. “I’m getting ready to go to the doctor. You’re the one that suggested it, remember?” Wow, she is so bitchy when she’s sick.

  “I know what will make you feel better.”

  She arches her brows, and stares at me. “What’s that?”

  I give her a big smile. “A trip to the spa. Merita is taking us on Saturday.”

  Her eyes widen and she turns to face me. “That sounds really good, but I have to get better first.”

  I bop my head up and down. “Okay, do you want me to drive you?”

  She grabs another tissue and goes into another coughing fit. I scrunch my nose up. Being sick is so gross.

  “Yeah, I really don’t feel like driving.”

  I pick her keys up off of the table and hold the door open for her. As much as I don’t want to go to a doctor’s office and spend the rest of my afternoon with a bunch of germy people, I really do want to be a better friend to her. I want to start being a better person in general.

  CHAPTER 14

  MATT

  Wow, Dad is really going all out on future wife number four. I’m standing in the back of what can only be described as an over-the-top private room, in a ritzy hotel. The room is dimly lit by several crystal chandeliers. All of the tables are draped in white linen tablecloths. In the center of each table is a crystal vase, filled with crimson roses. There’s a black ribbon securing the flower stems together.

  Watching all of these people dressed in their designer fashions, working the room, pretending to give a shit about anyone other than themselves is nauseating.

  I’m about to get the hell out of dodge. Seeing what Dad is up to isn’t worth all of this shit. I begin backing up slowly towards the exit, when my eyes land on Dad. He narrows his eyes slightly and gives me a big smile. Holding his arm above his head he begins motioning to me.

  “Matt,” he shouts. “Come over here, son.” Son? What the hell is going on? I actually look around making sure it’s me he’s talking to. For all I know he could have another son. Nope, he’s definitely talking to me.

  I feel like I just crossed over into some other worldly dimension. He’s barely acknowledged me at all since Mom died, and now he’s acting like we’re buddies. What the fuck?

  Oh well, I guess there’s no turning back now, time to pay the piper. I begin stiffly making my way over to him, and his fiancé - who is wrapped around him like a wool coat.

  As soon as I reach him, he reaches out and wraps his arm around my shoulders. “I’m so glad you could make it. This is my son, Matt.” He tells several people, that I don’t recognize.

  “It’s so good to see you, again.” Veronica – I assume to be the future wife – says, pulling me into a tight embrace. Again? This is the first time I’ve ever laid eyes on her. The only reason I even know her fucking name is because it was on the invitation. I only knew it was her, because she’s all over my Dad. The way they’re showboating is getting under my skin – quick.

  “Matt is pre-med.” My dad says puffing out his chest, acting all proud papa. Now I’m really curious. What in the hell is going on? How in the fuck he even knows my major is beyond me. He didn’t hear it from me.

  “Is that a fact?” An older balding man asks. “Are you planning on opening your own practice?”

  “I haven’t decided yet.” I somehow manage to grind out.

  The man nods his head. “Well, you’re young you have your whole life ahead of you. You must be really proud of your Dad, running for the senate.” The man tells me, grinning from ear to ear.

  I look over at Dad, as everything starts to make sense. All of this isn’t about his engagement. It’s all about campaigning. He’s just kissing ass trying to win over voters, by being something that he obviously isn’t. Isn’t that how all politicians are? Dressed up, smiling all the time, pretending to be something that they really aren’t.

  Dad must know that I’m getting ready to pop his bubble, by letting everyone know that I don’t have a fucking clue about his senate race. I don’t even know who he is anymore. He quickly claps me on the back.

  “I’m the one who is proud. I couldn’t ask for a better son and now that’s he’s getting married soon, I hope to have a grandchild in the near future.”

  What? The? Fuck? How in the hell does he know about Crystal? I sure as hell never told him. Dad is not a part of my life anymore. His pretending that he actually gives a damn about me is pissing me off.

  He made his decision, when he walked out on me and Mom. As soon as the Doctor gave the diagnosis of terminal cancer, he was out the door. What kind of Dad leaves their son to take care of his dying mother? Mine. This is a total mind fuck.

  I can’t stop staring at him. He keeps looking around the room. He’s watching for someone.

  “Ah, there he is.” Dad says, his grin stretching clear across his face.

  What now? I look across the room. God Damnit! I see Jim - Crystal’s dad - making his way over to us, and right behind him is Crystal, looking absolutely breathtaking in her form fitting cocktail dress.

  Jim reaches out and clasps my hand in a firm grip. “Matt, it’s good to see you again.” Jim has been like a father to me over the years. He was there for me when my own Dad wasn’t. Jim, Crystal, and Cooper were my family, but now I don’t have anyone. What the fuck is going on? Why is he acting as if Crystal and I are still together? Surely she’s told him.

  Crystal steps up next to me and wraps her fingers around my elbow, giving me my answer. My entire body stiffens at her touch. It feels so…intimate. Too intimate.

  “Hey baby,” she says, looking up at me through her thick lashes. I haven’t seen her in weeks and her acting as if nothing happened i
s gut wrenching. I want to jerk away from her and bury myself deep inside of her, all at the same time. For a second, I actually contemplate pretending like nothing happened and just kiss her. She’s so beautiful. She’s the only person I’ve ever been with and I want to be with her so badly, but then I close my eyes, and I’m assaulted with all of these mental images.

  “I can’t do this.” I finally manage to pull my arm out of her grip, as discreetly as possible. As blindsided as I feel, the last thing I want to do is make a big scene. I turn around and start to walk away. I have to get out of here before I cave and take her back. I have too much respect for myself than that. As much as it hurts now, I know that if I do forgive her, I’ll never forget. How can I ever trust her again, after what she did?

  “Matt, wait,” she grabs my shoulder, forcing me to stop.

  “Don’t.” I shake my head, refusing to look at her.

  “Will you please just let me say what I have to say?” She pleads. I force my eyes to meet hers, she’s studying me intently. “You’re wearing your glasses again.” Yeah, while we were together she suggested that I try contacts, and I did – for her. I fucking loved her! I would have taken a bullet for her! As I stare at her watching me curiously I have to wonder. Did she even care about me at all? How could she? You don’t fuck around on someone if you love them. Do you?

  I must have lost my freaking mind, because I allow her to pull me out into a private hall.

  “Make it quick, Crystal. I have places I need to be.” I don’t, but she doesn’t need to know that. Hell, let her think I’m fucking someone else. Because, right now, in this moment, I want to inflict as much pain as possible on her. I want to give her a little taste of how I’m feeling. She has some fucking nerve, coming here and pretending that she hasn’t done anything wrong.

  She sighs loudly and shakes her head back and forth. I’m assaulted by her sweet vanilla scent - the one thing that I didn’t love about her. I focus all of my energy on that scent. I have to stay strong.

  “Matt, I made a mistake. I’m so sorry. I was scared and nervous about the wedding. I freaked out.” Freaked out? That’s a big fucking understatement!

  She reaches out and tries to touch me, but I take a large step away from her. “Don’t” I warn her.

  She drops her arm back down by her side.

  “When you said that we were done, it made me realize how much I love you. I don’t want to lose what we had. Will you please give me a second chance? I’ll do anything. I don’t want to lose you, please Matt. I love you so much.” Her light eyes are swimming with tears, but all I feel is anger. Pure unadulterated anger.

  “If you loved me so much, you wouldn’t have been in a fucking orgy!” I hate to be so crude, but I’m fucking hurting. She didn’t just cheat on me. She was with three different guys at the same time. Three fucking guys all at once. I don’t even know who she is anymore.

  “Why did you do it, Crystal? And don’t fucking say it was because you were drunk, or that you were freaking out over the wedding. You and I both know there’s more to it than that. You owe me an explanation.”

  She drops her head and sighs heavily. “Up until that night you were the only guy I’d ever been with. I was curious what it would be like. Kristin kept talking about how good it was to have group sex and…”

  “Whoa, wait a minute.” I interrupt her before she can go any further. This is brand new information. “You were with Kristin too?” Holy fucking shit! Just when I thought the story couldn’t get any worse, she drops this bombshell on me.

  “Yeah, I thought you knew.” Her brows are drawn together in confusion.

  I run both of my hands though my hair pulling on it. “So, you Kristin, and these three guys all fucked each other?”

  Her face flushes and I know it’s the truth.

  I can’t hear anymore. I can’t be this close to her. It’s just too fucking hard. I throw my hands up into the air. “I’m out of here.”

  I turn my back on her and walk away. I hear her sobbing behind me, but I don’t care. I need to turn off all of these emotions.

  I know I can’t go back to the bar, but the first club I come to I’m stopping.

  Fuck being the good guy. Look, what that’s gotten me – a fucking broken heart. I’m going to get completely wasted and fuck as many girls as I can.

  CHAPTER 15

  TAYLOR

  “So, what have you been up to lately?” Dean asks over the deafening music. I missed hanging out with him, so I called him and invited him to come with me to a club. I knew that his frat was having another party tonight, so I didn’t have to worry about Ryan inviting himself along.

  I shrug my shoulders. “I’ve just been really busy.”

  He arches a brow at me. “Doing what? I know it couldn’t be anything to do with Amanda, because she hasn’t missed a single party.” He leans back in his chair. “I thought she was sick.”

  I pick up my water and take a big drink. It’s hotter than the gates of hell in here. “She was, but it wasn’t as bad as we thought. She just had a sinus infection. I’ve mostly been studying. I have a lot of tests coming up.” It’s the truth, minus the part about Matthew helping me study. I’ve been seriously buckling down. I’m actually pretty proud of myself.

  “Well, I missed you.” He sets his bottle down onto the table and checks out a girl walking by.

  I shake my head at him. “I missed you, too.” I lean across the table. “And I saw you checking out that girl.” When I invited him out, he’d promised that I’d have his undivided attention.

  He starts peeling the label off of his beer. “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

  I laugh at him. “It’s okay. I don’t mind. I was just messing with you.”

  “Well that’s good, because there are a lot of hotties here.” He waggles his brows at me, making me laugh. He looks so funny when he does that.

  I roll my eyes at him. “Whatever.” I press my lips together. “Have you heard from Dad, lately?” I know this is going to put a damper on both of our moods, but I worry about Dad. The way he’s living…well it’s not living. Sometimes, I worry that he’ll do something stupid.

  Dean swallows, hard. “Yeah, I talked to him a couple of days ago.” Dean’s always the one taking care of everyone. He’s more like a Dad to me than Dad.

  “How is he?”

  Dean rubs the back of his neck roughly. “The same.” He tells me grimly. “I don’t think he’ll ever be really okay.”

  I’m getting ready to ask Dean if he thinks we should go home and visit Dad – stage an intervention or something - when I hear a loud commotion coming from the bar.

  “Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot!” It’s so loud it overpowers the blaring music.

  Both Dean and I turn our attention towards all of the chaos. There are several people crowded around a girl stretched out on the bar, and there’s a guy doing a body shot off of her.

  I cock my head to the side. There’s something about the guy doing the shot. His longer hair, jeans, and striped shirt are very familiar. I stand up and begin walking towards the bar.

  As I get closer my mouth drops open. No way! No freaking way! It’s Matthew! Or at least a version of him. He’s pumping his fist in the air, shouting something that I can’t make out. He takes the girl’s hand, helps her off the bar, tips her back, licks the base of her throat all the way up to her ear, and then covers her mouth with his own. What the hell!?

  He stands her back upright and turns towards the crowd. “Who’s next?”

  Oh! My! God! He’s completely trashed. What is going on with him?

  “Do you know that guy?” Dean asks, stepping up next to me.

  Now there’s a loaded question, and I don’t have a clue how to answer it. If I tell him yes, he’s going to want to know how I know him. I really don’t want to lie to Dean, anymore. I think I’ve betrayed him enough, by messing around with his best friend behind his back. Now, that I’ve sort of called it quits with Ryan, I’m feeling
really guilty. Deep down I know the right thing to do, would be to come clean to Dean – about everything. But, the last thing I want to do is hurt him.

  I shrug my shoulders, “kind of.”

  He presses his brows together. “What the hell does that mean?”

  I ignore his question and push my way though the masses of people, until I reach Matthew. I don’t have a freaking clue what to say to him. He’s so…different right now.

  I latch onto his arm. “Matthew, what’s going on?”

  He blinks down at me and his mouth twists into a leering grin. “Hey Taylor, do you want to do a body shot?”

  I quickly shake my head. “Ewww, no.”

  He shrugs his shoulders. “Okay,” he turns his full attention back to several slutty girls. “Okay ladies, who’s next?”

  I grab his shoulder and force him to face me, again. “Matthew, are you here alone?”

  He reaches out and brushes his knuckles down my cheek. It leaves a hot tingling sensation on my skin. What the hell? I’ve never felt anything like that, before.

  “Call me Matt, Princess.” He says seductively.

  Princess? Wow, he’s even drunker than I thought. What is going on with this guy? My need to help him is overwhelming.

  I lace my fingers through his, not missing the same tingling sensation vibrating through me. What is going on?

  “Come on Matt. We’ll take you home.” He surprises me by nodding his head and following me over to Dean.

  “Dean, this is Matt. Matt this is my brother, Dean.”

  Being the good guy that he is, Dean doesn’t question what Matt is to me, or why I’m holding his hand. He extends his hand out to Matt in a gentlemanly fashion.

  “It’s nice to meet you, Matt.”

  Matt bops his head up and down and shakes Dean’s hand. “You too.”

  After several minutes of driving in circles, I finally manage to get the right address out of Matt.

  Thank God Dean is with me; because there was no way that I could have gotten Matt into his apartment on my own. He’s so wasted he can barely walk.