Finding Myself In You

by Melanie J. Cole

  I can practically feel the rage bouncing off of Taylor, as we climb into my truck.

  “Well, that was interesting.” I say, pulling the shifter into gear.

  “You could say that.” Taylor says, crossing her legs and rubbing her forehead. “I still can’t believe this is happening. This sucks!”

  “It will get easier in time.” I assure her.

  “You sound like you’re talking from experience.” She turns her head, and stares at me, waiting for an explanation.

  “I am.” I tell her simply. I know she wants for me to elaborate, but I’m not going to.

  CHAPTER 27

  TAYLOR

  I’m pacing around my new bedroom, with my phone clutched in my hand. I haven’t called to check on Dad, not once, since I moved out. No wonder my life is such shit. I totally deserve everything I’m getting, right now. I’m a terrible friend, sister, and most of all, daughter. How many times did I abandon Amanda, in situations that could have gone horribly wrong? How many times have I lied to Dean? I’ve been so caught up in myself, I’ve barely thought about Dad at all, over these past few months. I’m a horrible person.

  I quickly dial his number before I can chicken out.

  “Hello…”

  God, he sounds so…hollow. My chest tightens and I suck in a deep breath. “Hey Daddy,” I feel like I have a huge knot blocking off my throat. “How are you doing?”

  “Taylor? Is everything okay?” His concern makes me feel even worse. He’s all alone right now. He never moved on after Mom walked out on us. But he continued to work, so that Dean and I could have anything that we wanted. I just wish he knew, that what I wanted most of all, was for him to be okay. I really did!

  “Yeah,” I almost choke, from the grief coursing through me. I clear my throat and start again. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

  “Do you need more money?” He asks, making me feel like shit. I haven’t talked to him in so long. He thinks that I must need something, if I’m calling him.

  “No Dad. I don’t need anything. I just haven’t talked to you in a while, and I wanted to check on you. Are you okay?”

  “I’m doing okay.” He says, in his numb tone. I know that’s not true. He hasn’t been okay in years. He’s a shell of the Dad that I used to know.

  “I miss you, Dad.” I miss my real Dad. The one who used to take me out for ice cream. The one who taught me to ride a bike. The one who would read me bedtime stories, every night. I have got to stop thinking like this. I’m turning everything around again, so that it’s about me. This is about Dad.

  “No, you’re not.” I tell him matter of factly. “You haven’t been okay since Mom walked out on us.” I hear the hitch in his breathing.

  None of us has had to nerve to talk about her in years. I think it’s about time to put it out there. “You need to move on. You didn’t do anything wrong. She left all of us. I don’t know why, and to be perfectly honest, I don’t care.”

  My entire body is trembling, as I finally say what I’ve been holding in for years. I think at one time or another, Dean, Dad and I, all three, have all blamed ourselves for her leaving.

  I don’t hear anything on the other end of the phone. “Dad, are you still there?”

  “Yeah, I’m here.” He finally says, after a few intense seconds.

  “I think you should get help. You need to talk to someone. The way you’re living, isn’t healthy. You need to move on.”

  Several more seconds tick by, before he finally speaks again. “I know.” His voice cracks, and my chest clenches. I don’t want to hurt him. I just want for him to get better.

  “So, will you talk to someone?” My hands are trembling as I wait for him to answer.

  “I’ll think about it.” He says.

  Not the answer I was hoping for, but it’s a start.

  “Do you promise, that you’ll really think about it?” I press, desperate for him to get some help.

  “Yes, I promise.” He assures me.

  I swallow hard, hoping that he’s being honest with me. “I love you, Dad.”

  “I love you too, Taylor.”

  “I’ll talk to you soon, bye.” I mean every single word that I say. I will talk to him soon. I’m going to start calling him at least once a week. I think it’s about time to start being a better person. Not just saying that I’m going to be, but actually be one.

  I collapse onto the bed feeling emotionally exhausted. That was so much harder than I thought it would be. Even over the phone, I can hear how broken he is.

  Unable to turn my thoughts off, I grab my pajamas and head to the bathroom. I need a long soak.

  The house is silent and dark. Matt must still be at work.

  I stare at my reflection in the mirror for several seconds, as the tub fills up. My eyes have eyeliner smeared beneath them. My cheeks look flushed, and my lips are still stained with my pink lipstick. I grab a washcloth and begin taking my make-up off. I blink a few times, staring at myself. I look odd without my make-up on.

  I slump my shoulders and sigh. I don’t even know who I am anymore. For the past five years, everything I’ve done was to get Ryan’s attention. I dressed in a way that I thought he’d be attracted to. I fixed my hair the same way, that I seen several of his girlfriends wear theirs. Even the way I walked, was in a certain way, which I knew would get his attention. I’d pretend to be interested in anything he talked about, even if I really wasn’t. All of those years wasted. I shake my head bitterly. He so wasn’t worth it. The way that I betrayed Dean, just thinking about it, is making me sick to my stomach.

  Well, no more. It’s about time that I start living for myself, and not for someone who doesn’t give a damn about me. The first step is to come clean to Dean about everything. I’m beginning to realize that I don’t like the person that I’ve been these last few years. I want to be someone that I can like.

  CHAPTER 28

  MATT

  I’m completely exhausted by the time that I get home. It’s been a long drawn out day. I’ve had three classes and I had to work. I toss my keys onto the table and walk into the kitchen. I need a beer.

  After I finish my beer, I head back out into the living room. I like to watch television to unwind, after a long day. I freeze when I look over at the couch. Taylor is standing there, looking at me. Her hair is pulled back in a ponytail, she has no make-up on, and she’s wearing a pair of tiny cotton shorts, with a tank top. She’s stripped bare, and she’s so beautiful that I can barely breathe. I’ve never seen her look like this, before. She always has her hair fixed and make-up on, and she’s usually wearing more clothes.

  I swallow hard, as my eyes devour her hungrily. Okay, so inviting her to move in with me, obviously wasn’t my best idea. I honestly don’t know if I can be this close to her, and not do something stupid, like throw her across my shoulder, pack her into my bedroom, and bury myself deep inside of her, until she screams out my name, over and over again. This living arrangement is going to be the death of me. I’m not the type of guy who can just fuck a girl and walk away from her. If I take it that far, I’ll get emotionally involved.

  I finally manage to drag my eyes up to meet hers. My dick swells painfully, when I see how her brown eyes almost glow without all of the make-up hiding them.

  She begins shifting her weight from one foot to another, as she crosses her arms over her chest, trying to hide herself, from my penetrating gaze. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were home.” She says shakily.

  I lower my head and run my hand through my hair a few times, trying to get myself under control, before I attack her. She’s my roommate, and I’m moving away soon. I cannot get involved with her. She has the capability of really hurting me.

  After a few deep breaths I manage to speak. “You have nothing to be sorry about. You live here, now.”

  “I was bored, so I went through your DVD’s. I hope you don’t mind.” She holds up my copy of The Shining. “Do you want to watch it with me? I’ve never seen this bef
ore.”

  I make my way over to her, clenching and unclenching my fists, over and over. I must not touch her. “Sure, I’ll watch it with you.” I must have lost my fucking mind.

  She visibly relaxes her stance, and walks over to my DVD player. “Is it any good?” I’m pretty sure she’s just trying to make conversation, because of how thick the atmosphere seems to be between us, or maybe it’s just me. Yeah, probably just me, and my overwhelming attraction to her.

  “I wouldn’t have bought it, if it wasn’t any good.” I tell her as I sit down, trying to play it cool. I really hope that she didn’t notice how I just totally eye fucked her. I’m beginning to sweat, as I watch her bend over, pushing in the DVD. I discreetly adjust myself in my jeans. This is going to be pure torture.

  After she starts the movie, she walks back around, and sits down next to me. I press my lips together, doing my best to ignore how good she smells. I wonder if she tastes that good. Damnit! I cannot be thinking things like this about her.

  She draws her legs up beneath her and leans back, getting comfortable. I cross my ankle over my knee and begin bopping my foot up and down.

  About half way through the movie, my phone rings, and Taylor nearly leaps off of the couch. I chuckle lightly as I pick up my phone.

  Mother fucker! It’s Dad. Of course, leave it to that fucker to call and put me in a bad mood. What in the fuck does he want now? I went to the fucking rehearsal dinner! I’m not going to be part of his campaign. He can forget that shit!

  Taylor looks over at me. “Do you want me to pause the movie?”

  I quickly shake my head. “No. I’ll take this in my bedroom.” I get up and stalk to my room, closing the door behind me, a little harder than I intended. This man pisses me off like no one else.

  “What do you want, now?” I growl into the phone.

  “Why did you take off the other night?” He asks bitterly. “I had to make up a fucking lie, to explain why you disappeared.”

  That was over three weeks ago, and he’s just now calling. I’m glad I wasn’t in a horrible wreck, or something. This just goes to show me, that he doesn’t give a fuck about anyone, other than himself.

  “I don’t know what Jim told you, but Crystal and I are no longer together. The engagement is off. So, I wouldn’t be holding my breath waiting on a grandchild, if I were you.” Not that I’d let him around a child of mine in the first place. I tighten my grip on the phone, as my anger rages through me. “You may want to let Jim know that. Crystal’s obviously not told him. Oh, and one more thing. Don’t expect for me to pretend you’re Dad of the year, or anything. So, if I were you, I wouldn’t mention me in your fucking campaign. Now, stop calling and pretending that you give a fuck about me.”

  I hang up before he has a chance to respond. My phone instantly rings again, and I switch it off. Fuck him! God, I’m so pissed that I’m physically shaking. I need to calm down, before I go back out there to Taylor. If she sees me right now, she’ll start asking questions. If she starts grilling me, it’ll just piss me off even more. Why do I let that man get to me?

  I open my closet door and pull out a new bottle of Jack. When Taylor agreed to move in with me, I hid all of my hard stuff in my room. I don’t want her to know how dependent I am on the shit. I’m fucking pathetic. I open the bottle and gulp down a huge amount.

  I only intended on drinking a small amount, but I’m so fucking pissed, I end up drinking the entire bottle.

  Once the hazy cloud dulls and numbs all of my senses, I fall face first, onto the bed.

  CHAPTER 29

  TAYLOR

  I’m lying in bed staring up at the ceiling. For some reason, I keep thinking about Matt. The way that he looked at me last night was…hot. His eyes roamed up and down the length of me, and he had this heated needy look in his eyes. He’d never looked at me like that before. No guy has ever devoured me like that, not even either of the guys, that I’ve had sex with. My entire body was burning, especially my inner thighs. I’m getting turned on now, just thinking about it. I sigh and climb out of the bed.

  I don’t know who called Matt last night, but he never came back out of his room. I was a little disappointed, not to mention scared out of my freaking mind. That was one seriously creepy movie. I cringe just thinking about it.

  I walk into the kitchen and open the refrigerator. I’m starving, but unfortunately, I don’t see anything that I want. I shut the door and lean back against the counter. I really wish I had a car. Maybe Matt’s hungry too, and we can go get something to eat, together.

  I knock on his door, but he doesn’t say anything. “Matt, are you awake?” I keep listening, but he doesn’t answer me.

  Is he even here? I cross the living room and look out of the window. His truck is parked just outside of the door.

  I go back over to his bedroom door, and knock again. I don’t know why, but I’m starting to feel nervous. “Matt? Are you okay?” I turn the door knob and ease his door open.

  Matt is sitting on the edge of his bed, his elbows are resting on his knees, and his face is buried in his hands. There’s an empty liquor bottle lying by his feet. What the hell?

  “Matt,” I step inside of his room. He doesn’t look up, he’s doesn’t move an inch. I don’t have a clue what to do.

  After several seconds, my legs begin moving of their own accord, moving me across his room. Before I know it, I’m sitting down next to him. He’s only wearing his underwear and I can feel heat coming off of him. My hand is shaking as I reach out and touch his shoulder. “Matt, are you okay?” He’s starting to really scare me.

  After a few intense seconds, he lifts his head, and looks over at me. His eyes are glassed over and he looks utterly lost. “Taylor, what are you doing in here?” His voice is hoarse.

  “I was hungry. I thought we could go and get some breakfast. I knocked on your door, but you didn’t answer. I was worried about you.” I reach out and run my fingers through his hair. It’s really soft. “What is wrong with you? Who was on the phone last night?” I don’t expect him to answer me, he never does. I really wish he would. He’s hinted around several times that someone hurt him. I just wish he’d open up and talk to me. I want to help him so badly. He’s done so much for me. He let me move in with him, for Christ’s sake!.

  He blinks a few times and his eyes clear, a little. “You were worried about me?”

  I nod my head. “I still am. I really wish you’d talk to me. I’m a pretty good listener.”

  He leans against me and rests his head against my shoulder. “It was my Dad.” The way he says the word ‘Dad’, takes me by surprise. There’s so much animosity in his tone.

  I wrap my arm around his shoulders. I’ve never seen Matt like this before. He’s so grief stricken. I have this desperate need to console him. Now that he’s finally talking, I don’t want him to stop. “Do you have a bad relationship with your Dad?”

  He lets out a bitter half laugh. “We’d have to have some kind of relationship, for something to be bad.” He says bitterly. “That man walked out on me and Mom when I was thirteen. Now, he’s trying to force his way back in. Apparently, he’s getting into politics, and he wants to use me to sell himself.”

  I squeeze his shoulders. I know exactly what it’s like to have a parent walk out on you. You automatically blame yourself. You wonder what you did that drove them away. It’s a terrible thing to do to your child. I don’t have a clue what I’d do if Mom tried to get back in touch with me - especially after all of these years.

  “I’m sorry. My Mom walked out on Dean and me years ago. If it wasn’t for Dean, I don’t know what I would have done. My poor Dad is still hurting, to this day.”

  Matt lifts his head and looks at me. “Well, at least your Dad stayed.”

  I nod my head. “Yeah, you’re right. What about your Mom, how did she handle it?”

  His body tenses at the mention of his Mom. His breathing grows heavier, as he studies me. “My Mom died two months later.” His t
one reminds me of how Dad sounded on the phone – numb – hollow.

  I cup my hand over my mouth, and shake my head. “I’m so sorry, Matt. Do you have any brothers or sisters?” He looks so defeated, so hurt. My chest tightens. I desperately want to take all of his pain away. If I could, I would absorb it, and do all of his suffering for him.

  He shakes his head. “Don’t be. You didn’t know. I don’t have any brothers or sisters. It’s just me.”

  “What happened to you? Where did you go?” God, I couldn’t imagine losing both of my parents, within two months. My heart feels like it’s in my throat. Poor Matt.

  “I moved in with my friend and his family.”

  “Well, at least you had him.”

  He lets out another humorless laugh. “Are you no longer friends with him?” I ask him, taken aback, by how his demeanor shifted so fast.

  “Hell no.” He says bitterly.

  I’m so confused. “Do you want to tell me what happened?” I’m desperate to know more. I want to help him, so bad.

  “No. I think I’ve done enough talking, for now.” He stands up and grabs a pair of jeans off of the back of a chair.

  I can’t help but to watch him, as he dresses. The muscles in his back move and flex as he slides into his jeans. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but now that I’m starting to get to know Matt, he’s looking sexier than ever. Hell, Ryan couldn’t hold a candle to him, right now.

  After Matt gets his shirt on, he tosses me his keys. “You better drive. I’m still pretty fucked up.”

  CHAPTER 30

  MATT

  I keep stealing little glances at Taylor, as she drives my truck. Her hair is pulled back, and she’s not wearing near as much make-up as she usually does. God damn, she is so beautiful. I can’t believe that she was actually worried about me. I don’t think anyone has worried about me in years. Crystal and Cooper obviously didn’t worry about me.

  I was still half drunk, when she asked who called me last night. I broke down and told her about Dad. It felt good talking to someone - about me for a change - and not about them. The look on her face when I told her that Mom died was gut wrenching. Taylor actually apologized, and it was so sincere and heartfelt, I nearly kissed her.