Finding Myself In You

by Melanie J. Cole

  I don’t know why she ever reminded me of Crystal, all of those weeks ago. Taylor is nothing like her. Crystal was so fake and immature. Taylor is genuine, pure, and real. She and I have a lot more in common, than I originally thought. She opened up to me and told me that her Mom had walked out on them years ago. Why do parents do that to their children? Don’t they realize how fucked up that is?

  “Is this okay?” Taylor asks, dragging me out of my alcohol haze of thoughts.

  I look up at the small diner. “Yeah, this is fine.” We both climb out of the truck and I squint against the sunlight. Damn, it’s bright out here.

  “How are you feeling?” Taylor asks, as she meets me at the front of the truck.

  “I’ve been better.” I open the door and follow her inside. As we’re waiting to be seated I begin looking around. Ah shit!

  Like a magnet, my eyes are drawn to a table in the back corner. Cooper is sitting there, watching me. Fuck! I’m not sure what to do. Do I tell Taylor that I want to go somewhere else? Do I stay and just ignore him? Do I talk to him? He’s obviously not going to approach me. I made it perfectly clear that we’re no longer friends, when I kicked him out of my apartment.

  I’m surprised that I actually feel a little bad about that. Since I opened up to Taylor this morning, it kind of put things into perspective for me. Seeing Cooper again after all of this time, I realize that I kind of miss him. Even though he made a huge fucking mistake, not coming to me, about what Crystal did. I know that he was trying to protect me. He didn’t want me to get hurt, but Damnit, if I hadn’t found out - I would have made the biggest mistake of my life - by marrying Crystal.

  I don’t know why, but I reach out and take Taylor’s hand into mine. She blinks up at me, obviously confused as to why I’m holding her hand. I’m confused too, but hell, she makes me feel special. When we were talking this morning, and she wrapped her arm around my shoulder, I felt cared for – for the first time in as long as I can remember.

  “Is everything okay?” She asks, looking up at me with her big brown eyes.

  “Yeah, everything’s fine. There’s someone that I want you to meet.”

  She nods her head, “okay.”

  I make my way to the back and stop in front of Cooper. Cooper looks up at me hesitantly. He has this look of total confusion on his face. His eyes dart over to Taylor, then down to our interlocked hands.

  “How have you been, Cooper?” My voice is rough. This is harder than I thought it would be.

  He shrugs his shoulders. “I’ve been all right, I guess. How about you? How have you been?”

  I nod my head a couple of times. “I’ve been doing much better these past few days.” I give Taylor’s hand a gentle squeeze. I hope that she understands that I’m doing better, because of her. “This is Taylor.” I glance down at her, and wink. “My girlfriend.”

  She gives me a big grin and gets this knowing gleam in her eyes. She reaches her hand out to Cooper. “It’s nice to meet you.” She tells him, playing along.

  “Cooper and his family are the ones who took me in after Mom died.” I tell her.

  Cooper’s eyes widen in disbelief. He knows how hard it is for me to talk about that time in my life. Taylor seems to make everything so much easier.

  Cooper takes Taylor’s hand still gaping at me, and smiles. “It’s nice to meet you too, Taylor.” He drops her hand and motions across the table. “Do you guys want to join me? I’m alone.”

  Taylor looks up at me. I only have to think about it for a few seconds. “Sure.” I pull out a chair for Taylor, and sit down next to her. I’ll never be able to forget about Cooper’s betrayal, but I can forgive him. We may never be as close as we once where, but we can still be friends.

  CHAPTER 31

  TAYLOR

  Hearing Matt introduce me as his girlfriend, made me happy - too happy. I know it’s just a lie, but still, it felt really good to hear that. No one has ever called me their girlfriend before. It made me feel special.

  “Cooper was really nice.” I tell him, as we walk inside of our apartment. Wow, our apartment. That has a nice ring to it.

  “Yeah, he’s a pretty good guy, most of the time.” Matt says, tossing his keys onto the table.

  “Most of the time?” I arch a brow at him, and sit down on the sofa.

  He shakes his head and chuckles lightly. “You really love giving me the third degree, don’t you?”

  I shrug my shoulders. “No. Not really. I just want to know more about you. That’s all.” The more he opens up to me, the closer I feel to him. I like being close to him, it’s …nice.

  Matt walks around the sofa, and sits down next to me. “What do you want to know?”

  Hell yeah! I’m finally going to get some information out of him. This could be fun. “For starters, why were you so rude to me when we first met? Why did you refuse to tutor me?”

  He inhales deeply through his nose, and runs his hand through his hair a couple of times. “Because, you reminded me of someone that hurt me.”

  I did? I did not expect that answer. “Who did I remind you of?” I’m finally getting somewhere with him.

  He takes his glasses off and sits them on the table. “You reminded me of my ex-fiancé.”

  I nearly fall onto the floor. “You were engaged?” I don’t know why, but this information pisses me off a little.

  He rubs the back of his neck roughly. “Yeah, I was engaged.”

  I keep waiting for him to elaborate, but he never does. “Well, what happened?”

  “She got drunk at a party and fucked four other people.” He says bitterly. “Not to mention, one of them was a good friend of hers – a girl-friend.”

  I cannot hide my sharp intake of breath. I reach out and put my hand on his knee. “Matt, I’m so sorry.” I really am. I know exactly how he must have felt. “That sucks!”

  “You haven’t heard the best part yet.” He puts his hand on top of mine. “Cooper was there that night…”

  “Oh my God!” I cut him off, unable to stop myself. “Was one of the guys, Cooper?”

  He quickly shakes his head. “No. He wasn’t one of them. But he was there and he knew.”

  “Is that how you found out?”

  “No. I overheard one of the guys talking about it, in the cafeteria, a week later.”

  “Why didn’t Cooper tell you? That isn’t a very good friend.”

  He nods his head. “Tell me about it. He said that he didn’t want to hurt me.” He shrugs his shoulders. “So, I kicked him out.”

  I stare at him incredulously. “Cooper was your old roommate?”

  “Yeah, today is the first time I’ve spoke to him, since the night I confronted him.” He looks up at me with his intense caramel eyes. “You’re the reason that I talked to him. Spending time with you, these last few days, have made all of that shit, a little easier to cope with.”

  “I’m sorry, Matt. I really am. Wow, we have a lot of shit in common.” I turn my hand beneath his, and interlace my fingers with his.

  He squeezes my hand. “Yeah, we do. Now, do you understand why I think that you should come clean to Dean?”

  I bop my head up and down. “Yeah, and you’re right. He deserves to hear it from me, and I’m going to tell him.”

  CHAPTER 32

  MATT

  I have no idea why, but I let Taylor convince me to watch some chick flick with her. It’s about some girl, trying to track down all of her ex-boyfriends, so that she doesn’t have sex with anymore people - or some shit like that. It’s beyond ridiculous.

  As soon as the credits begin rolling, I feel Taylor’s intense brown eyes on me.

  “What?” I ask, turning to face her.

  She cocks her head to the side, studying me. “What’s your number?”

  I shake my head at her. “What are you talking about?” I know exactly what she’s asking, but I don’t think this is a very good conversation for us to have. I don’t know what’s going on with me, but my attract
ion to her keeps intensifying, the more time that I spend with her. Talking to her about sex could get pretty intense. This could be stepping into dangerous territory – at least for me.

  She cocks her brow at me. “You know what I’m talking about. How many girls have you been with?”

  “Can we please talk about something else?” I ask, standing up and turning the television off.

  She shakes her head at me. “No. I want to know.”

  If she’s so hell bent on knowing my number, then I want to know hers. I turn around and look down at her. “What’s your number, Taylor?”

  She gives a half-hearted shrug, and blinks up at me. “Two,” she says simply.

  Her answer surprises me. I don’t think she’s promiscuous in the least, but she’s a beautiful girl, and she seems so flirtatious. I just figured her number would have been a little higher. I feel a little giddy that she’s only been with two people. Is that wrong?

  I shake my head, and drop down next to her. “Fine, my number is one less than yours.”

  Her eyes widen in disbelief. “You’ve only been with one person –

  ever?” She asks incredulously.

  I shrug like it isn’t a big deal. “I started dating Crystal in high school, and I fell hard. What can I say? When I was with her, I had no interest in being with anyone else. She was more than enough for me.”

  Taylor’s face falls. “Oh, how long were you two together?”

  “Five and a half years. So, I know one of the guys you were with, was Ryan. Who was the other guy?”

  She stares down at her hands, as she begins chipping off her nail polish. I find that she does this when she’s nervous. “It was just a guy that I dated in high school. He got what he wanted and dumped me the next day.”

  “Wow, you can sure pick them.” I tell her, sounding harsher than I intended.

  She presses her lips into a firm line. “Yeah, tell me about it. Why do you think Crystal cheated on you?”

  “I don’t have a fucking clue. Everything I did for those five years was to make her happy.” I feel an anger building inside of me, which has been missing since Taylor moved in. I don’t like talking about Crystal.

  “Can I ask you a personal question?” She asks me, as her cheeks turn pink.

  “Haven’t all of your questions been personal?” She loves trying to dig things out of me, and she’s getting pretty damn good at it.

  She takes a deep breath and looks up at me. “I suppose so, but this is more personal. It’s a little embarrassing, actually.”

  I sigh, and roll my eyes, feeling agitated. “Go ahead, ask your damn question.”

  “How was the sex between you and Crystal?” She shakes her head and rolls her eyes. “God, this is so embarrassing. I mean, was the sex good? Did you both enjoy it?”

  Her cheeks are even a darker shade of pink now. I stare at her incredulously. “Of course it was good. It was sex.”

  She drops her head and begins pulling at a loose thread on the sofa. “Oh, I’m sorry for getting so personal. I was just curious.” Her voice is barely a whisper.

  How in the hell did we end up talking about sex? Oh, that’s right, it was that fucking movie. I study Taylor intently for several seconds, trying to figure out what’s going on inside that pretty head of hers. Suddenly, I’m hit with a realization.

  “Did you not like the sex you’ve had?” Surely, I’m wrong. Who doesn’t like sex? I’ve never heard anyone complain about sex, before.

  She shrugs her shoulders, still picking at the damn piece of thread. “No. Not really. Actually, all of the times that I’ve had sex were terrible. I’ve never even had an orgasm before.” She confesses, completely flooring me. I knew that Ryan was a total frat boy, but to leave her hanging like that. Surely, I’m mistaken. Her voice is just above a whisper.

  “What did you just say?” I have to be sure.

  She jumps up and throws her arms up into the air. “You heard me. I’ve never had an orgasm.” She repeats, sounding almost mad at me. It’s not my fault that she’s only ever been with immature dick wads. “Did Crystal get off every single time you two were together?”

  Now, she’s starting to piss me off. It isn’t my fucking fault that she dates losers. I stand up and lean down, until we’re almost nose to nose. “I may have only been with one person, but I’ve had plenty of experience. I always put her needs before my own.” I practically growl.

  She doesn’t back away from me. She tips her chin up defiantly. “How do you know she wasn’t faking it? Some girls do that, you know?”

  “I know. I also know how to get someone off.” I run my hands though my hair several times, trying to get my temper under control. I step away from her and sigh. “Look, I could tell that she wasn’t faking, okay.” I don’t want to go into details, but I knew Crystal’s body inside and out. I always made sure she came first, with everything.

  Taylor squares her shoulders refusing to drop it. “How did you know? Tell me.” She presses.

  I throw my hands up into the air. “Because, I could feel her clenching around me.” She wanted all of the details, now she has them.

  Her lips part and she sucks in a breath. My eyes fall to her mouth. She glides the tip of her tongue across her bottom lip, looking deep in thought.

  She finally blinks up at me, and what comes out of her mouth, nearly has me coming in my jeans.

  “Show me.” She says simply.

  What? The? Fuck?

  CHAPTER 33

  TAYLOR

  I cannot believe that I just asked Matt to give me an orgasm. Judging by the expression on his face, neither can he. It’s almost comical, the way his eyes are slightly bulging out of his head.

  Deep down, I know that I shouldn’t have said anything. But Damnit - I’ve never had one - and his talk about being experienced, and always making sure Crystal came first. It turned me on.

  I want someone to put me first, for a change. Is that so wrong? Does that make me a terrible person? I don’t think so.

  “You don’t know what you’re saying right now.” Matt says, in a slightly husky voice.

  I nod my head up and down. “Yes, I do. I want to know what an orgasm feels like, and I want you to give me my first.” I hope that sounded confident. My entire body has a slight tremble.

  He swallows hard and runs his hand through his hair. “Taylor, I’m not the kind of guy that uses girls for sex. I’m not like Ryan. If anything happens between us, it will mean something to me.” His eyes are drinking me in from head to toe. He has that same needy look, glistening in their depths, as he had the other night. It’s so sexy, having someone look at me like that. With that much need and want. My thighs feel like they’re on fire.

  I take a deep breath, step up to him, and reach out fisting both of my hands in his hair. I look deep into his eyes. “I know you’re nothing like Ryan. That’s why I’m asking you. I want to feel something, and I know that you can do that for me.”

  These last few days with Matt have been a learning experience for me. When I’m with him, I can be myself. I don’t have to pretend to be something I’m not. I don’t have to pretend to like what he’s saying. I can be brutally honest with him, and he’s the same with me. I feel connected to him.

  I tug his hair gently and bring his lips down against mine. I don’t want to talk anymore. I want him. I want him to make me feel something that I didn’t believe actually existed.

  “I want you, Matt.” I whisper against his lips, slipping my tongue into his mouth.

  He shakes his head and pulls back. “You’re just hurting right now. I don’t want to be just a rebound.”

  “You’re not.” I assure him. “I’ve never felt like this with anyone else. I feel like I can finally breathe freely when I’m with you. Please Matt.” I stare deep into his caramel eyes. He needs to know that I’m serious. This isn’t about moving on. This is about me living, for me. I want him.

  He draws in a deep heavy breath. “Are you sure?”
r />   I nod my head. “I’ve never been surer of anything in my life.”

  My answer must have satisfied him, because he crashes his mouth against mine, devouring me like I’m his last meal. He wraps his tongue around mine, and his fingers dig into my hips, dragging me against him. God, he’s a good kisser. His tongue explores my mouth with exact precision.

  “Let’s move this into my bedroom.” He says, lifting me off of the floor by my ass. I wrap my legs around his waist, more than happy to oblige.

  He never breaks our kiss as he lowers me onto his bed. He begins grinding his hips in a circular motion against my center. I’m all ready feeling more pleasure, than I ever did with Ryan, and we’re still fully dressed.

  Matt, pulls back slightly and begins trailing kisses down the side of my neck. He places his one hand between my legs and begins rubbing me through my jeans.

  “How does this feel?” He asks, still rubbing me, as he plants gentle kisses across my collarbone.

  My entire body is tingling as I try to draw in a decent breath. My thoughts are a jumbled mess, and I’m so breathless, that I can’t even manage an answer to his question. He lifts my top up using only his teeth, and sucks on my nipple through my bra. I moan loudly and my body begins quivering. All of these sensations combined, has me throbbing.

  “Tell me how this feels, Taylor.” He groans against my chest, rubbing me harder and harder. “You have to tell me how you’re feeling.”

  I arch my back off of the bed and tense every muscle in my body, as my head falls back, with the most incredible, mind blowing orgasm. No wonder Amanda was always sleeping with guys. This is incredible. My entire body is shuddering as Matt pushes up on his elbows looking down at me.

  “You never answered my question. How was that?” He asks again for the – ah hell – I honestly don’t know how many times he asked. Right now, in this moment, I don’t care.