Finding Myself In You

by Melanie J. Cole

  “That was amazing.” I almost whisper. I don’t have an ounce of energy in me right now.

  “It wasn’t too rough for you?” He leans forward, drawing me closer to him and kisses the top of my shoulder.

  I somehow manage to shake my head. “No. It was intense, but I liked it – a lot.”

  I can feel his smile against my spine. My eyes slowly drift closed and I fall to sleep, feeling completely sated.

  CHAPTER 40

  MATT

  When Taylor goes to sleep I ease out of the bed, and get dressed. She’s going to be hungry when she wakes up. I don’t know what it is about her, but I can’t control myself with her. She brings out this wild animal in me, that I never knew existed. I never have been one to get rough and lose control. But, when I’m with Taylor all of my emotions are raw and raging. I have this need to make every time we’re together different, and better than the last one. Her body responds to mine and it’s like we’re one.

  I write her a quick note, and leave it on the pillow. I don’t want her to think that I’m abandoning her, or anything. I pick up my keys off of the table and ease out of the door.

  As I drive towards the small Chinese place, I keep thinking about how good Taylor felt. God the sounds that she makes when I’m taking her, it makes it really hard to put her first. But fortunately I managed, somehow.

  That girl gives me hope. She makes me so happy. It’s like we were meant to be. Wow, I sound like a total pussy, but I can’t help myself. She’s all I ever think about anymore. She’s all I want.

  I really need to figure out a way to let her know that I’m moving away. Just thinking about it, makes me sick to my stomach. I really hope she agrees to come with me. If she doesn’t, I don’t know if I’ll be able to go through with it. The thought of not having her is terrifying. But, at the same time, I absolutely cannot stay here. Dad will never leave me alone. He’s a stubborn son of a bitch. He’s blown my phone up these past few days, calling me every fucking hour on the hour. He’ll never leave me alone. He acts like I fucking owe him something. I don’t.

  I roll my eyes feeling agitated, as I step inside the small Chinese place. It’s packed. I really hope this line moves fast. I want to be next to Taylor, when she wakes up. Wow, I really have it bad. All I want to do is spend the rest of my life in the bed with her. Just her and me and no one else.

  I practically run to my truck, as soon as I have our food. That’s thirty minutes of my life I’ll never get back.

  When I pull up in front of my apartment, the first thing I see is a black Dodge Charger. Who in the hell is here? I grab our food and climb out of the truck.

  I can hear voices as I unlock the door. When I step inside I see Taylor and some guy. The guy’s back is to me and he’s standing uncomfortably close to Taylor. Neither of them seems to notice me, standing inside of the doorway.

  Taylor has her head dropped and she’s shaking her head as the guy says something to her. All I can make out are the words: “now”, and “finally.”

  I have never been the jealous type. But right now, I feel like I have a huge green-eyed monster, trying to claw its way through my chest.

  I ease our food down onto the table and walk around, catching Taylor’s attention. “What’s going on?” I ask her.

  As I step up next to her, a little of my anger eases. “What in the fuck happened to you?” I ask incredulously.

  Ryan’s face is black and blue. He has a split lip and for the first time since I met him, he isn’t giving me dirty looks. I have to fight the urge to grin, at his obvious pain. He’s a cocky son of a bitch, who used Taylor and hurt her. I’m sure he deserved every single punch he obviously got.

  “What do you think?” He asks, through clenched teeth.

  “Ah,” I nod my head wrapping my arm around Taylor’s waist, staking my claim on her. Is it immature? Absolutely. Do I give a rat’s ass? Hell fucking no! She’s mine.

  “So, I guess you and Dean aren’t friends anymore.” I know I’m rubbing salt into his fresh wounds right now. Pointing out that he doesn’t have Dean or Taylor anymore, but I don’t give a fuck. I’m enjoying this way too much.

  I’m pretty sure Ryan’s eyes narrow, but it’s too hard to tell through all of the swelling. He turns his full attention back onto Taylor. “Just let me know, okay?”

  Taylor nods her head slightly. “Okay, I will.”

  I tighten my grip on her waist, as Ryan turns around and leaves.

  “What was that all about?” I ask, as the door closes behind him.

  She sighs and blinks up at me. “He was looking for Dean.” Her voice has a tremble to it.

  “Isn’t he living at the frat house, anymore?”

  She shakes her head, “apparently not. All of his stuff is gone, and of course he’s not speaking to me or Ryan.” She drops down onto the couch and buries her face in her hands. “What am I going to do, Matt?”

  I sit down next to her and drape my arm across her shoulders. “It’s okay. Don’t worry. We’ll find him.” I assure her, forcing as much confidence in my tone as possible.

  Holy shit! This is bad. I know how it feels to be betrayed by the people you care about the most. I really hope he doesn’t do anything stupid.

  CHAPTER 41

  TAYLOR

  I clutch the phone against my ear, silently praying he’s there.

  “Hello…”

  “Hey Dad, how are you?” I do my best to sound as chipper as possible. Dad kept his word to me, and he’s been seeing a therapist for a couple of weeks now. He sounds so much better.

  “I’m good. How are you?” His tone leads me to believe that he knows something is going on.

  “Dad, is Dean there?” I ask hopefully.

  He sighs heavily and his voice drops to a whisper. “Yeah, he’s here. He’s been here for a couple of days now. Do you want to tell me why he’s so moody all of a sudden?”

  Dean was always the one who held everything together. He’s a rock. He always kept a cool head, and looked at the bigger picture. If he moved away and left everything behind, it’s so much worse than I originally thought. Maybe, Ryan was right. Maybe, I shouldn’t have told him. I shake my head clearing it of that thought.

  Ryan is a complete idiot. He showed up here the other day, begging me to give him a second chance. I didn’t tell Matt, but he even had the nerve to try to kiss me. I’d shoved him backwards, trying to figure out why in the hell he would think I’d ever want to be with him again. He has one huge set of balls.

  “It’s complicated.” I tell Dad.

  “Yeah, I figured that much out for myself.” Wow, all of these years, when Dad didn’t care to know what was going on in our lives, and he picks now to get observant, and to actually care.

  “Trust me Dad, you don’t want to know. I’ll just say that I screwed up really bad.”

  “Taylor, did something happen between you and Ryan?” He asks, completely flooring me. What the fuck?! How could he possible know that?

  “Why would you ask that?” My mouth just completely dried up.

  “Because, when I asked Dean about him, he nearly bit my head off.”

  “Oh,” is all I can manage to say. There’s no point in denying it. His therapy seems to be doing wonders.

  “Taylor,” he practically sighs into the phone. “Why on earth would you do that? Your brother is…”

  “I know.” I cut him off before he can make me feel any worse than I all ready do. “I wasn’t trying to hurt him. I really wasn’t. I thought that I loved Ryan.” Wow, this is so embarrassing, not to mention uncomfortable, talking about sleeping with my brother’s best friend, with my Dad. I’ve just hit an all new low.

  “You’re smarter than that, Sweetheart. You know how Ryan is.”

  “I know, Dad.” Doesn’t he understand how bad I’m feeling? Why is he trying to rub salt into the raw wound? “Can I just please talk to Ryan?”

  He sighs again. “Hold on.” I can hear a scuffling sound, and several muf
fled sounds. He’s obviously holding his hand over the receiver, so that I can’t hear what they’re saying.

  “I’m sorry, Taylor.” Dad tells me after several seconds. “He just needs time.”

  “What about school?” I whine. “Is he just going to drop out of his senior year?” This isn’t fair. He shouldn’t be giving up his life, his plans, not because of something that I did. I should be the one moving back home, but the thought of leaving Matt is…crushing.

  “Time Taylor, just give him some time. That’s all any of us can do, right now.” Dad says in a soothing voice.

  I nod my head. “Okay. Bye Dad.”

  “Bye baby.”

  Just as I hang up the phone, I hear Matt’s ringtone coming from the living room. I toss my phone onto the bed, and rush out the answer it. He must have forgotten it in his rush to leave. He was scared he was going to be late for work.

  I latch onto his phone, not even bothering to check the caller i.d.. For some strange reason I assume it’s him calling.

  “Hello…”

  “Hello, is Matt there?” The soft feminine voice asks.

  I bite down on the corner of my lip. Who in the hell is this? Surely it wouldn’t be Crystal. Especially, after the way that Matt told her that he didn’t love her and never did, the other day.

  I clear my throat. “No, he’s at work. Can I take a message?” I ask her, reaching for a pen.

  “Of course, this is Madeline Hawkins, his realtor.” Why in the hell does Matt have a realtor? He hasn’t mentioned anything to me about moving.

  “I’m calling to reschedule our appointment.”

  My mind is reeling. What is going on? “Um…” I begin, trying to figure out what to say. “Where are you located?”

  “I’m in Houston.” Houston? That’s over four hours away from here. Why would Matt be meeting with a realtor from there? I drop down onto the couch, before my legs give out on me.

  “Are you still there?” Madeline asks, in her business like tone.

  “Yeah, I’ll make sure he gets your message.” I turn the phone off.

  What? The? Fuck?

  CHAPTER 42

  MATT

  Wow, the temperature seems to plummet when I step inside of the apartment. Taylor is sitting on the sofa, staring at the television.

  “Hey, what are you watching?” I ask, as I make my way over to her. She pins me with an icy expression. What did I do?

  I glance over at the television and realize it’s not even turned on. “Taylor, what’s wrong? What happened?” I drop down next to her, and reach out for her hand.

  She jerks it away from me and jumps up off of the couch. “Your realtor called this afternoon.”

  Ah hell! I knew I should have just told her. “Yeah, I was going to tell you about that.”

  “When?” She snaps. “Were you just going to pack all of your shit, and call me from Houston?”

  I take a deep breath. “Of course not. I was just trying to find the right time.”

  “Yeah right,” she scoffs. “We only live together. You had every opportunity to tell me. Wow,” she throws both of her arms up into the air. “I really am an idiot.”

  I stand up and glare at her. “Stop saying shit like that about yourself. You’re not an idiot.”

  “Yes I am.” She says, sounding utterly defeated. “I thought we had something. I thought you cared about me.”

  “I do care about you.” My heart is pounding so loudly in my ears, I can barely hear myself.

  “No you don’t. If you cared, you would have told me that you were leaving before…” Her words trail off, and she turns her back on me.

  “Before what?” I ask, turning her around to face me.

  “Before I fell for you.” Her voice is so soft that I barely hear her.

  My chest tightens at her words and wounded expression. Shit! I hate that I’m the one making her feel like this. I drag her against my chest and bury my face in her hair, inhaling her.

  She sucks in a deep breath and pushes away from me. “We never should have slept together.” She says, with a steely resolve in her brown eyes. She’s shutting down on me. Oh hell no!

  “I’m sorry. You’re right about one thing.” I tell her.

  “What’s that?” She asks coolly.

  “I should have told you, and I’m sorry for that. But I’ll never regret being with you. I want you to come with me.” There I said it.

  Her mouth drops open and her eyes widen in disbelief. “Are you freaking kidding me?” Not the reaction I was hoping for.

  I shake my head slowly, trying to read her. “No. I’m not kidding. I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life.”

  Her jaw twitches, reminding me of Dean. “So, you just expect me to drop everything, and follow you like a lost puppy? I have a life too, Matt.” Her tone is icy, but there’s a fire in her eyes. “I can’t just drop out of school and move even further away from Dad. Not to mention the whole Dean thing that I’m still trying to sort out. Did you even think of that?”

  I sigh and run my hand through my hair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’ve been planning on moving ever since the whole Crystal thing. I just thought that maybe you’d like a fresh start too. I was obviously wrong.”

  Her face falls and she slumps her shoulders. “I’m staying here. I can’t go with you.”

  “Well, I can’t stay. Will you at least think about coming with me?” My chest has constricted so tightly, that I can barely draw in a decent breath. I fucking love her. I can’t lose her. I won’t give her up. I’ll have to figure something out.

  “Would you reconsider moving away?” She asks, tipping her chin up defiantly.

  I hesitate trying to sort through my jumbled thoughts. Taylor mistakes my silence for her answer. “I thought so.” She turns her back to me and walks into her room shutting her door with a resounding thud. The click of the lock echoes inside of my head. Son of a bitch!

  CHAPTER 43

  TAYLOR

  “What’s up, girlie?” Merita singsongs into the phone.

  I drop down onto the bed and sigh. “Do you think I could stay with you for awhile?” I ask her, feeling utterly defeated. I can’t keep living in this apartment, if Matt isn’t here. It would be too hard. I know that graduation is still a little over a month away, but the more time that I spend with him, the harder it will be to let him go. I have to distance myself from him now. I should never have let myself fall for him.

  I feel bad for the way that I snapped at him. He looked so broken. I was getting ready to go and apologize to him, but I heard the front door slam, and his truck peel out of the parking lot. I hope he stays gone long enough for me to get all of my stuff packed and leave. I don’t have the nerve, or heart to face him as I tell him that I’m moving out.

  “Does this have anything to do with you and Dean?” Merita asks, dragging me out of my thoughts. She knows?

  “How do you know about that?”

  “Your Dad called me.”

  “Oh, no believe it or not this is something else.” Wow, could my life be any more fucked up? My brother isn’t speaking to me. Now that Ryan can’t have me, I seem to be the only one he wants. And the guy that I want is moving over four hours away from me.

  “I just really need to get away from here for a few days. Can you please come and get me?” I’m not above groveling to her at this point.

  She sighs heavily. “Sure, I’ll come and get you.”

  “Thanks.” I turn the phone off, and for the second time in three months, begin packing all of my stuff. This sucks!

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Merita asks, as I watch the apartment, get smaller and smaller in the rearview.

  I tip my head back and sigh heavily. “Not right now.” Everything just feels overwhelming right now. I’m afraid if I mention Matt, I’ll lose it completely. He was the perfect guy for me, and here I am trying to put as much distance between us as possible. I wonder what he’ll think, when h
e gets home and sees all of my stuff gone.

  I thought that seeing Ryan and Amanda together was the worst thing that could happen to me. I was wrong. Leaving Matt, feels like I’m been suckered punched in the stomach. I’m finding it hard to breathe. It physically hurts.

  “Did you love him?” Merita asks, glancing over at me.

  “Who? Ryan?” I ask, feeling completely bewildered.

  She shakes her head and gives me a sad smile. “No, whoever it is you’re running away from.”

  Wow, she’s really good. I nod my head a couple of times. “Yeah, how did you know?” My voice quivers with all of my emotions.

  “Because, you were never any good at facing your fears.”

  I shift in my seat so that I’m facing her. “What are you talking about?” I don’t fear love. Do I? Isn’t that what everyone wants? To love someone, to be loved by someone.

  Merita sighs and shakes her head. “When your Mom walked out, you completely shut down, and I’m pretty sure if you would have had somewhere that you could have run away to, you would have. You’ve always done this. When something gets to be too heavy, you shut down.”

  Holy hell! She’s right! What did I do when I caught Amanda and Ryan together? I ran. Instead of going straight to them and confronting them, I ran to Matt. Now, I’m running away from him. I’m pathetic.

  I want to be with Matt. I really do, but I don’t want to move further away from my family. I’m still pissed that he never told me he was moving away. Is that wrong? I mean, he should have told me, shouldn’t he? I’m so confused. I just need some time to myself. I need to think. I can’t do that with Matt distracting me

  CHAPTER 44

  MATT

  I grip the flower vase in my hand, as I go over what I’m going to say to Taylor, in my mind. I have to convince her to go with me. The only other option I have is to kidnap her, and I really don’t want to go to prison.

  “Taylor…” I say as I push her door open. I step inside of her room and look around. Motherfucker! She’s gone.