Jude

by Linda Warren

  Jude walked out and she heard the front door slam. Staci gathered her into her arms. “Come on, kiddo. You’re stronger than this.”

  “He won’t…he won’t…” she blubbered.

  Staci took Paige’s arm and led her to the kitchen and pushed her into a chair. “Take a deep breath.” Staci rummaged in a bag on the table and pulled out bottled water. “Drink this.”

  Paige placed her shaky hands around the bottle and took a big gulp. It was cold, cooling the heated emotions inside her. She was so angry. That was so unlike her. After living for months in a homeless shelter, she’d vowed she would never lose control again. She’d just broken that vow.

  Luke hovered near the door, looking at her as if she’d grown another head. Staci had the same expression on her face. What had she done?

  Staci pulled a chair close to Paige. “Are you okay?”

  Paige gripped the bottle and shook her head. “No.”

  “Just give Jude some time. This has been a shock to everyone, but you know where your child is now. He’s with his father. That’s good news.”

  “But Jude is never going to let me see him.”

  “Sure he will, but you have to decide what you’re going to do. You have to go back to California to finish your residency. It’s just like before.”

  Paige ran her thumb down the cold bottle and thought her life was like a never-ending circle of decisions. Bad decisions. Decisions that hurt. This was the ultimate one and she had already made it and she didn’t understand why everyone kept pointing it out. Her son came first, this time. All the anger in her eased at the thought. Jude would not keep her away from Zane. Nothing would.

  “His name is Zane,” she said for some reason, maybe just to hear it.

  “I know, kiddo.”

  “He’s going to hate me.” She had to say that, too. Maybe to hear someone else say it wasn’t so. She got the answer she wanted.

  “No. Kids forgive easily. Just stay positive.”

  “I just want to see his face. Touch him. Just to see that he’s real.”

  Staci reached over and hugged her. “You will. You just have to be patient.”

  Something Jude had said triggered a thought. “Where’s my phone?”

  Staci pointed to the counter and Paige got up and brought it back to the table, touching the keypad on the screen.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Jude said Zane does the website for the ranch. I’m hoping there might be a picture of him on there. Here it is. Rebel Ranch. Hereford cattle.” There were pictures of red cattle with white faces. Heifers for sale. Bulls for sale. Hay for sale. A link reading Rebel Family caught her eye and she clicked it. A picture of all the brothers with Miss Kate and Grandpa Abe in the center came up. No kids. Her heart sank. But then she saw another tab. Family Photos. Grandchildren. She clicked it and her heart almost pounded out of her chest when she saw Eden, a very grown-up Eden, sitting in a comfy chair holding a baby, and a boy was sitting on the chair’s arm. Paige tapped the photo until she’d zoomed in on the boy in jeans, boots and a white shirt. He was smiling. Happy. He favored Jude. Her son.

  She swallowed the lump in her throat and couldn’t take her eyes from the screen. She’d wondered so many times what her child would look like and the photo eclipsed every thought, every picture, in her head. He was perfect. Just like his father.

  She tapped, edited, clipped and refocused.

  “What are you doing?” Staci asked.

  “Making it my screen saver. I want to go into Temple to get some copies made.” She got to her feet and headed for the door. Luke caught her before she could open it.

  “Sis, take a moment and think about this. Just take a deep breath. You’re turning back into that scared, frightened young girl and I know you’re not her. You’re stronger now. Act like it. You don’t need copies of pictures. You need to get your second wind and regroup and wait for Jude. He will not let you down.”

  A tear leaked from her eye again and another followed. She held on to Luke as the walls that she had built around her heart began to crumble. “I’m falling apart, Luke. Please hold me. Don’t let that happen.”

  Staci ran and wrapped her arms around them. “We’re here for you.”

  “Don’t let go!” she cried, and the Wheeler kids stood strong against the waves of despair that rolled over Paige. She had something that she’d never had before. She had strength. She had family. Nothing was going to break her again.

  She would wait forever to hold her son. And she would wait for his father, too. Before her healing could even begin, Jude had to forgive her.

  And she had to forgive herself.

  Chapter Seven

  As Jude drove over the cattle guard, rain pelted his truck. He’d been so engrossed in his thoughts that he hadn’t even noticed the dark clouds rolling in. By the time he reached the house, the storm vented its full fury with sheets of rain punctuated by lightning and earsplitting thunder.

  He jumped out of his truck and ran into the house. In the utility room, he removed his hat, shook water from it and laid it on the counter to dry. Opening cabinet doors, he found a towel and wiped his face and dabbed at his wet shirt. Since it was raining, his brothers would be in soon. They couldn’t work in the rain, so there was no need for him to saddle up and join them. Glancing at the wrought-iron clock on the wall, he saw it was after two. It had been a stressful morning and the time had flown.

  He walked through the house to the den, not bothering to turn on a light. He didn’t need one. He was still dealing with all the turmoil inside him. Sinking onto the sofa, he took a deep breath, hardly believing that he’d lost his temper with Paige. He’d said things he regretted, but he was fighting for his son. So many emotions warred inside him and he was desperately trying to make sense of it all.

  The back door opened. Boots stomped. It wasn’t his mother, so it had to be one of his brothers. Phoenix came into the room, dry as could be. Evidently, he’d had his slicker with him.

  “Is the electricity off?” Phoenix asked, sliding into a leather chair across from Jude.

  “No. I just don’t need a light. Is everybody quitting for the day?”

  “I’m sure with all this rain, but I had to go with the feed-store fertilizer truck to show the guy where to fertilize the coastal hay in the far west pasture. It’s not doing as well as the other fields and Falcon thought it needed a boost. We got it on the ground before the rain. Now as long as it doesn’t wash away…”

  Jude stared down at his hands, seeing Paige’s face, her tears, and his stomach cramped.

  “Elias said he’s going to kick my ass because I get all the easy jobs. He says I’m Mom’s favorite. But, you know, I might just kick his ass for saying that.”

  “Have you seen Elias’s muscles lately?”

  “Yeah, how is that possible? He never works out and after work he spends all his time down at Rowdy’s. You can’t get those kinds of muscles lifting a beer can.”

  “He does the work of two men. Have you seen him drive a nail into a post?”

  “Bam.” Phoenix drove a fist into his palm. “One whack and it’s done. Takes me two to three tries before the nail goes in.”

  “Me, too.” A small tug at the corners of his mouth, and he found that odd since mirth was the last emotion in his body.

  “Hey, hey, look at that.” Phoenix pointed. “I made you smile.”

  The back door opened again and his brothers filed into the living room, followed by Grandpa. Jude didn’t want to deal with all of them right now and he had the urge to run as far away as he could. From himself. From all the heartache that was to come.

  His brothers sat on the large leather sectional sofa and Grandpa made Phoenix get up so he could take the comfortable chair.

  “It went that bad, huh?” Quincy was the first to speak.

  Jude stared down at his clasped hands between his knees. “I lost my temper.”

  “Come on, Jude. You never lose your temper.”


  “I did this morning with Paige. I said things I regret, but I had to say them.”

  “What happened?”

  His throat felt as if he’d swallowed a pinecone. “I told her about Zane and she wants to meet him.”

  “And you don’t want her to?”

  Jude unclenched his hands and told his brothers what Paige had told him. “She’s had it rough and I didn’t want to hurt her, but Zane comes first with me. He’s so excited about the race and if I tell him now, it’s going to take all the excitement away. I don’t want to hurt him, either.”

  “That’s a tough decision,” Falcon said. “It took Eden a long time to warm up to Leah, but once the ice was broken, it’s been a lovefest ever since.”

  “This is different, though. She has three months left on her residency and she goes back to California in two weeks. What kind of relationship can they build in two weeks?”

  “You know,” Falcon continued, “it took me a long time to forgive Leah and I sense you’re feeling similar emotions. I never could understand why she couldn’t come home until I got to know what her life was like in Houston without me and Eden.”

  Jude jumped to his feet as Falcon pointed out the reason for his anger. “All she had to do was call and I would have flown out to get her or sent money for her to come home. All she had to do was pick up the damn phone, but instead she spent months in a homeless shelter, depressed and lonely. All it would’ve taken was a phone call. Man, that just gets me.”

  “Get a grip, boy,” Grandpa said. “I always preached to you boys about finding wives, but all this drama is a little hard on my heart. You just make it plain to her that Zane stays here.”

  “You’ve always been honest with Zane,” Egan spoke up. “If he finds out from someone else in Horseshoe that his mother is here, he’s going to wonder why you didn’t tell him first.”

  “He’s never asked her name, so he doesn’t know it.”

  “Don’t kid yourself, Jude,” Egan told him. “Zane’s birth certificate is on file at the courthouse, digital now, and with Zane’s computer skills, I’ll bet every penny I have he’s already looked it up. He hasn’t asked, because he already knows.”

  Jude ran a hand through his hair. “Oh, man, I hadn’t thought of that.”

  “Every kid is curious about their parents, and in my humble opinion, I think every kid has a right to meet them at least once in their lifetime.”

  Everyone stared at Elias. It wasn’t like him to offer advice.

  “What?” Elias lifted an eyebrow. “I have opinions and some of them are pretty damn good.”

  Paxton slapped him on the back. “And you’re stone-cold sober?”

  “Thanks, everybody,” Jude said. “But I have to make this decision on my own and it’s not easy.”

  Falcon got to his feet. “We’re all here if you need anything, but it’s your decision. None of us are going to interfere with that.” He turned toward the door. “Now, it would be nice if we got all the tractors and trucks and trailers greased and oiled while the weather is bad.”

  Elias grabbed Phoenix around the neck. “I know someone who’s going to get a little axle grease on his hands and Mama’s not here to protect him.”

  “Come on, Elias. We all know you can pulverize me, but why go to all that trouble. I’m really a nice guy and I fetch really well.”

  “Good, you can fetch me a beer while we’re changing the oil in the trucks and tractors.”

  His brothers trooped out of the room, but Quincy and Grandpa lingered. “What time does Zane get home from school?” Quincy asked.

  “Rachel’s bringing him home about four. I got called to the school this morning because there was an incident with Dudley McCray. They got into a thing over the race and Dudley ended up knocking Zane down.”

  “Did he get hurt?”

  “No. Didn’t even hurt his pride. He’s so hyped up on this race I’m not even sure he’s going to hear me if I talk about his mother.”

  Quincy eyed him. “You don’t want to tell him, do you?”

  Jude heaved a sigh. “It’s not that, but once I tell him, our lives will change. Everything will change. All the joy and happiness that’s in his eyes right now will be gone. He won’t be a little boy anymore. He’ll be a twelve-year-old dealing with some serious issues. I want to protect him from that, but I know I can’t. This is what life is about. And it’s tearing me apart that Zane is going to feel the pain of Paige’s and my decision of long ago.”

  “But he’ll also feel the joy of his dad doing the right thing,” Grandpa pointed out.

  “Thanks, Grandpa.”

  Grandpa patted Jude’s back. “You’ve always been a good kid, just like Zane, but don’t you let that woman get her claws into him. That’s my last word.”

  Quincy took Grandpa’s arm. “Let’s let Jude figure this out for himself.” As they walked toward the kitchen, Quincy glanced back with a worried look in his eyes. No one was a better brother than Quincy. But now Jude had to step away from the support of his family and determine what to do based on what was right for his son. In the process, he would lose a piece of his heart. But he was a man now and he would handle it better than he had before Zane was born. Because along the way, he’d learned to speak up. And tonight he would say things he’d thought he never would. That was what fathers did.

  *

  THAT NIGHT AFTER supper Zane talked and talked about Bear and the race and Dudley McCray. Jude’s mom listened with avid interest, but Jude was thinking ahead to when he and Zane were alone.

  “You have homework?” Jude asked his son.

  “Nah, Dad. I just had to read a book and I already read it. We’ll discuss it in class tomorrow.”

  “Finish putting dishes in the dishwasher and then go up and take a shower. I want to talk to you for a minute.”

  Zane’s shoulders slumped. “Aw, Dad, I’m okay. We don’t have to talk about Dudley anymore. It’s over. He didn’t hurt me or anything. He just thinks he’s a big deal. That’s all. I want to ride Bear one more time before bed.”

  “No. It’s dark and you’ve already ridden Bear for the day.”

  “Uh-oh, Grandma. I think a blue norther just blew in.”

  “Go upstairs, Zane.”

  “Okay, Dad. I’m gone.” He darted out of the room.

  His mother gave him a dark look. “You’re not hiding your feelings very well.”

  Jude carried his plate to the sink. “I know. I’m nervous and finding this difficult.”

  “Just calm down and everything will go fine.”

  “I just hate to shatter his world, but I have to tell him before someone else does.”

  His mother leaned against the counter, wiping her hands on a dish towel. “I’ve always known she’d regret her decision, but I never guessed she’d regret it as soon as she got to California. To give a baby away is a traumatic thing and I can sympathize with her feelings because I know Darlene Wheeler was a terrible mother. She inflicted so much mental pain on Paige and that’s unforgivable. But it’s time for all the hurting to stop, son, and for you and Paige to be as honest as possible with Zane. That’s the only way you’re going to salvage anything from this. And the only way any of you can go forward.”

  “I know, Mom. I’m going up to talk to him now.” Jude took his time going up the stairs, rehearsing words in his head. But none of them were right. Somehow he had to find a way to tell his son about his mother.

  He went through his bedroom and bath into Zane’s room. His son sat in the middle of his bed in his underwear and a T-shirt, clicking away on his laptop.

  “Want to play a game?” Zane asked.

  “Did you take a shower?”

  “Yeah, Dad. I’m fast.” Jude remembered those days when Zane was little and his bath took about one minute. His face would still be dirty and his fingernails filthy. Jude would have to make him take another bath and scrub clean. Zane hated taking the time. He wanted to be active, doing something else.

&
nbsp; “Do I need to look behind your ears?”

  “Come on, Dad. I’ve outgrown that.” Zane’s eyes went back to the laptop. “Let’s play a game.”

  “No, I need to talk to you first.”

  “Ah, Dad. I’m okay. Dudley’s just a lot of hot air. You don’t have to worry about me.”

  Jude sat on the bed, facing his son. “It’s not about Dudley or the McCrays. This is something else.”

  “Oh.” Zane’s eyes were big and round, and Jude could almost see the thoughts running through his head. “Does it have something to do with the funeral you went to this morning?”

  “Yes.” His son had just made it a little easier.

  “Do I know this person?”

  “No.”

  “But it made you sad?”

  Jude took a moment, not wanting to be cruel. “I hadn’t seen this person in a long time so, no, it didn’t make me sad.”

  “Who was it?”

  The room became so quiet Jude could hear himself breathing. He swallowed and forced the words out. “Your grandmother.”

  “Nah. My grandma’s downstairs, probably getting ready to watch television. You…” Zane stopped as he figured it out quickly. “You mean my mother’s mother?”

  “Yes.”

  “Was she there?”

  “Yes, your mother was there.”

  The light in Zane’s eyes went out almost as if he’d flipped a switch. “Did you talk to her?”

  “Yes. She’s going to be here about two weeks and she would like to meet you.”

  “No!” Zane threw the laptop on the bed, jumped up and ran into the bathroom. Jude heard him lock the door.

  He took a long breath and went to the bathroom door. “Zane, open the door. We need to talk.”

  Silence. Complete unnerving silence.

  “Zane, I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want to. Open the door.”

  Jude ran out the bedroom door, into his bedroom and to the bathroom. It was empty. Zane was gone. He rushed downstairs. His mother was flipping through the channels on the television.

  “Did Zane come through here?”

  His mother frowned. “No. I haven’t seen him. Why?”