Jude

by Linda Warren

  “I told him his mother was in town and wanted to see him and he ran. He has to be somewhere in the house.”

  “I’ll help you look.”

  He and his mother searched every room and closet but Zane was nowhere to be found. Fear lay in Jude’s belly like sour milk and he fought the sick feeling. He had to find his son.

  “I’m going to check the barns. Stay here just in case he comes out when I leave. He might talk to you.”

  “I will. Don’t worry, son. He has to be here somewhere.”

  Jude thought the same thing as he hurried to the big barn, but Zane wasn’t there. Then he dashed over to Quincy’s barn. Quincy and Jenny were coming out of the small trailer they lived in while they were working on the new house. Quincy had on shorts and a T-shirt and Jenny wore only a T-shirt. Her brown hair was tousled, as was Quincy’s. It was clear they were in their own private world.

  “Sorry to bother you, but have you seen Zane?”

  “No,” Quincy replied. “He went to the house a long time ago. What happened?”

  “I told him his mother was in town and he ran away. I can’t find him. I’m going to check your barn.”

  “Go ahead.”

  “We’ll help,” Jenny offered.

  They begin searching the horse stalls and Jude’s heart stopped as he saw a small figure crouched in a corner of Bear’s stall. He walked to where Quincy was searching.

  “I’ve found him. He’s in Bear’s stall. Could you give me some time with him, please?”

  “Do you want me to—?”

  “No,” Jude stopped him. “I have to talk to him and no one else.”

  “Sure. We’ll be in the trailer if you need anything.”

  “Thanks. Would you call Mom and let her know I found him?”

  Quincy nodded and they left the barn. Jude took a long breath and went back to the stall. Quietly, he opened the half door and went inside. Bear neighed and moved around in agitation. Jude stroked his face to calm him and then made his way to the corner where his son sat crouched, almost as if he wanted to disappear.

  He eased to the hay beside him, not saying a word. Zane sat with his knees drawn up, his forehead resting on his knees, and his hands were folded on the top of his head, blocking his ears as if he didn’t want to hear anything anyone had to say. Jude searched for words to ease his son’s pain. He went with the truth, as he always did.

  “I love you and I will never force you to do anything you don’t want to. I hope you understand that.”

  Silence followed. Zane didn’t even move, huddled in the corner in nothing but his underwear and T-shirt. The sight of his young son hurting tore at Jude’s heart.

  “When you turn eighteen, people say you’re an adult, but that’s not quite true. You’re somewhere between a kid and an adult and it’s a precarious place to be because nothing in life makes any sense. You try to make good decisions and hope for the best. Your mother and I were still kids who were faced with grown-up decisions. I’ve told you some of what happened back then, but now I’m going to tell you the whole truth. It’s not pretty and your mother and I are both to blame for what happened.”

  The barn was dark now and the only light Quincy had on provided little illumination. That was just as well. What Jude had to say he’d rather say in the dark so he could get it all out without breaking down.

  Zane kept sitting in the same position, giving the impression that he was trying to pretend Jude wasn’t there.

  “Your mother and I had a special relationship. I had just lost my dad and she had a mother who was verbally abusive. She would tell her that she was ugly and she would never amount to anything. Every day she heaped criticism after criticism upon her. Some days she’d break out in a rash and scratch until she drew blood. It was very stressful for me to watch and I vowed I would help her any way I could to get out of that house. Your mother worked very hard in school and she got the grades she needed to get a good scholarship for premed. She was happy and I was happy for her. She would get out of Horseshoe and have a life away from a woman who denigrated her every day of her life.”

  Bear neighed again as if he were annoyed that someone was in his stall. Jude ignored him as he tried to tell Zane what had happened back then.

  “Then your mother found out she was pregnant and we didn’t know what to do. I wanted her to have her dream and to get away from her mother. I wanted her to have a better life. One of the counselors in school spoke to her about adoption and I never said a word. When she asked me time and time again about what to do, I never spoke up. That was my fault. I should’ve said I didn’t want to give away my kid. But I was caught between my feelings for her and the feelings for my unborn child. It was a rough time because we kept the pregnancy a secret. We both were struggling with our feelings as we continued to try to figure out the best thing to do for our child. You know the rest. But I don’t think you know how your mother really felt at that time. I didn’t know what she was really going through, because I was too wrapped up in my own feelings. I should’ve talked more. I should’ve done a lot of things that I didn’t do. I blame myself and…”

  Zane threw himself at Jude, sobbing into his chest. “Why didn’t she want me?”

  That heartbroken question took the breath from Jude’s lungs. It burned all the way to his soul and he would remember this moment forever when he would have to account for his decision during that time. And when he would have to account for staying quiet when he should’ve spoken up. He wrapped his arms around his son and held on with all his strength, trying to convey to him how much he loved him and how much he would always regret that day.

  But Jude didn’t know if he had enough strength to endure breaking his little boy’s heart.

  Chapter Eight

  “Why didn’t she want me?”

  Zane wailed into Jude’s chest and his heart splintered into jagged sharp pieces that could never be repaired. He held his son, trying to soothe him.

  “Shh. Shh,” Jude cooed, as if his son were three years old. When his sobs lessened, Jude said, “She did want you. She was just confused about so many things and the counselor gave her some really bad advice. But above everything, she wanted you to have a better life than she ever had. She regretted that decision later.”

  “She…did?” Zane hiccupped into Jude’s chest.

  “Yes.” He told his son everything Paige had told him. He wanted Zane to know what had happened. “She couldn’t get on with her life, because she was grieving for her baby she’d left in Texas.”

  “You…you came back. Why didn’t she?”

  “It wasn’t that easy for her. She was so far away, struggling to survive when she lost her scholarship and her dorm. It wasn’t easy for her to live in a homeless shelter.”

  Among the horses and the scent of manure and hay, a meaningful silence intruded. Zane sat up and wiped away tears with the backs of his hands. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’m sorry for what she went through, but I don’t want to see her.”

  “That’s your decision, but I want to point out this might be your only chance to meet your mother.”

  Zane shook his head. “No. I don’t want to.”

  It wasn’t like his son to be so stubborn, but Jude wasn’t going to push him. He needed time to adjust to the fact that his mother was nearby.

  “Do you know your mother’s name?”

  “Yes. I looked it up on the computer a long time ago.”

  “You didn’t say anything. I would’ve told you if you had asked.”

  “I didn’t want you to think I wanted to see her, because I don’t. I was just curious.”

  It was just as Egan had said. Every little boy wanted to know who his mother was and Zane was no exception.

  Jude stood. “We better go to the house. Your grandmother is worried.”

  Zane got up, too, and Jude was reminded that his son wore only his underwear and a T-shirt. He squatted. “Hop on my back. You don’t have any shoes on and it’s dar
k.”

  His son did as instructed and Jude placed his arms under Zane’s legs and walked out of the barn. Zane buried his face in Jude’s neck and Jude knew his son was still upset. He hadn’t done that in years.

  To keep Quincy and Jenny from fretting, Jude knocked on their trailer door and then strolled toward the house. He didn’t want to talk, because he knew Zane wasn’t ready. He did the same thing at the house, going up the stairs without talking to his mother. She could see that Zane was okay and that was enough. Once Zane was in bed, he’d tell her how he’d reacted.

  Zane slid off his back in the bedroom and asked, “Dad, did you get my number for the race?”

  Zane seemed to wipe the events of the night from his mind, almost as if they hadn’t occurred. He was in denial and Jude would let him get away with that, for now. But he had to face the fact that he had a mother and she wasn’t going to go away.

  “Yeah. It’s in my truck.”

  “What’s my number?” Zane looked at him with big inquisitive eyes and Jude wondered how he could shove all those emotions down inside him. Then he knew. His son was just like him.

  “It’s twenty-nine.”

  Zane raised his fist in the air. “I knew it. That’s a lucky number for me. Oh, yeah. The race is looking better.”

  Where was the sobbing boy of a few minutes ago? Jude’s head was spinning, but he would leave things alone…for the moment.

  “Wash your feet before you get into bed.”

  “Okay, Dad. Can I go get my number out of your truck?”

  “You can get it in the morning. It’s time for bed. You have school tomorrow.”

  A few minutes later Zane was under the covers and Jude stood by his bedside, wondering if he should say something or do something. He wanted to help his son, but he didn’t know how. He just didn’t want him to be hurt any more than he was. Feeling helpless, he walked toward the door.

  “Dad.”

  He turned back.

  “I’m okay.”

  But Jude knew he wasn’t. It was a whole lot of heartache for his little boy and it was going to explode into more heartache than Zane could handle. That was what worried Jude.

  “’Night, son.”

  Jude stood outside Zane’s door and knew the heartache extended to him. He now had to tell Paige that her son didn’t want to see her.

  *

  PAIGE GOT THROUGH the night with the help of her sister and her brother. She didn’t understand why she was leaning on them now when she couldn’t before. Back then she’d put up so many barriers and no one could get through but Jude. He’d been her whole life, but the Jude of long ago was no more. He was a man now and looked at her in an entirely different way. There was no love, hope or desire in his eyes. Just a resignation that they shared the connection of a little boy they had created.

  The next morning she woke up feeling much better and stronger. She called Ms. Whitman to tell her about Zane.

  “That’s lovely, dear. I’m so happy for you.” Ms. Whitman was in her sixties and loving and caring to a fault. She had taken in so many people over the years. Paige had been one of them.

  “Thank you. I’m so excited and worried at the same time but hopeful that I’ll get to meet my son, my baby.”

  “I will keep you in my prayers.”

  “Thank you. Will you do me a favor, please?”

  “Anything, dear.”

  “There’s a box in the bottom drawer of my dresser. Would you mind shipping it to me?”

  “Sure.”

  Paige gave her Staci’s address and asked that she send it overnight. As she laid her phone on the bed, she missed the warmth and comfort of Ms. Whitman’s home. It had saved her from drowning in her own misery.

  She then called Dr. Spencer to let her know she would be away longer than two weeks. Dr. Spencer was a well-known doctor in obstetrics and Paige was lucky to get a residency in her medical clinic. She was very understanding, but Paige knew she had to get back to her residency and soon.

  After that, she called her friend Thea and told her the good news. Thea advised her to go slow and not to expect too much. Paige thought about that as she dressed and went into the kitchen to join her sister and brother.

  Luke and Staci were drinking coffee at the kitchen table. They both looked at her with worried eyes.

  She put a French vanilla K-Cup in the Keurig and turned to face them. “I’m fine. Really. I just lost it yesterday, but last night I realized what a gift I’ve been given. Soon I will see my son. I just have to be patient.”

  “We’ve been talking,” Luke said as Paige sat at the table. “With everything that has happened, maybe it would be best if we hired someone to paint the house.”

  “I need something to do while I wait for Jude and I like to paint.”

  Luke and Staci exchanged glances.

  “Don’t do that. I’m fine, and a little work will be good for me.” She took a sip of her coffee. “Maybe it will exorcise some of those bad memories.”

  “Let it go, kiddo. I have and I know Luke has. It was bad, but we all got through it and we’re all stronger. Now we need to smile and be happy and just enjoy life.”

  “I’m trying,” Paige murmured. But she wondered if the memories would always be there in her dreams. Memories of her mother screaming at her. Memories of scratching her skin until she drew blood. Memories of the nausea churning in her stomach until she threw up. Would they always be there just beyond the realm of happiness, pulling her back?

  On the way to Horseshoe, Paige kept her phone in her lap and occasionally touched the screen to see her son’s face. It was a small thing, but it would get her through the day.

  By midmorning they were busy working. Luke was scraping the trim on the outside of the house and she and Staci were taping the baseboards so they could paint. Staci had chosen a wheat color for the whole house. It would give it a fresh look. Staci had Miranda Lambert on the iPhone singing away as they wielded the paint rollers over the walls.

  Even through the music, Paige heard the knock at the door. She carefully laid her roller in the pan with a trembling hand. “That has to be Jude.”

  Staci followed suit. “I’ll go help Luke scrape to give you some privacy.”

  Paige took a deep breath and went to the front door. Jude stood there tall and handsome and her heart did a happy dance across her ribs. That wonderful feeling when she saw him hadn’t changed. It had been that way since she was seventeen.

  “Come in,” she said, and walked into the kitchen, queasy from anticipating what Jude was going to say. She turned to face him. “Did you tell him?”

  Jude looked down at the hat in his hand. “Yes.”

  “And…”

  He raised his dark eyes to hers and from that one glance her heart fell to the pit of her stomach. “I’m sorry, but he doesn’t want to see you.”

  “No, Jude, please.” She’d promised herself she wouldn’t cry or lose it again, but the words created another crack in her already shaky emotional facade. Tears trickled from her eyes and she was powerless to stop them or the tremors that ran through her body. She had to get a grip.

  “It’s his decision and I’m not going to push him.”

  Tears continued to roll down her face.

  “Paige, don’t do this. He’s twelve years old and dealing with a lot. The fact is he’s a lot like me. When he’s faced with a difficult situation, he shuts down, but give him time.”

  “I… I don’t blame him, but I was hoping, that’s all. I gave him away and I can’t expect him to get over that because I’m in town.”

  “I’m sorry I lost my temper yesterday,” Jude said unexpectedly.

  She wiped away a tear. “Me, too. Our emotions got the best of us.”

  “They always did.”

  “Yeah.” She remembered hot kisses and passionate embraces that took them away to a special place with just the two of them. The outside world hadn’t mattered. All they’d needed was each other. Feeling weak, she s
ank into a chair. “Tell me about our son.”

  Jude took a seat next to her and placed his hat on the table. “As I told you, he’s normally a happy kid. One day he’s doing all this technical stuff on the computer and the next day he’s playing trucks with baby John. He’s just a little boy who’s dealing with a lot of pain right now. I’ll give him a couple of days and then I’ll talk to him again. But you have to understand, it’s his decision.”

  She gripped her hands in her lap. “I know. I would just love to see him. I’m going to stay longer than two weeks and I’m hoping during that time he might change his mind.”

  “You’re staying longer?” There was doubt in Jude’s voice.

  “Yes. I still can’t get over the fact that you’ve had our son for years.”

  He shifted nervously. “I’m not going to apologize for that.”

  “I don’t want you to. You did the right thing. Our son is not with the Carstairs but with a big loving family. His real family.” How she wished she could be a part of it.

  Jude looked around the drab kitchen. “So you’re going to do the painting?”

  “Yes. I need something to do while I wait for Zane.”

  “Paige…”

  “You don’t have to say anything. It’s something I have to do for my own peace of mind. I realize he may never forgive me and—” she stared into his eyes “—you might not, either.”

  “As two confused teenagers, we did the best we could and I think we both need to move forward now. Your life is in California and mine is here. We’re worlds apart, but we have a little boy who needs our utmost attention and patience.”

  “You really have grown up.”

  “I had to.”

  “I believe a lot of the old Jude is still there.” She reached out and touched his chest. “Your big heart will never change.”

  He caught her hand and held it, his calluses rubbing against her soft skin. She remembered that, too. His touch was always so tender and gentle and invited more and more.

  “I loved you so much back then.” The words were hoarse and seemed to come from deep within him.

  “Me, too.” She squeezed his hand. “All those emotions sidetracked us into making bad choices. Or should I say, it sidetracked me into making a bad choice. I can’t believe I trusted Mrs. Carstairs.”