Jude

by Linda Warren

  Quincy drove his truck up as close as possible and Jude lifted his son, with Jenny holding towels under his neck, and put him in the backseat.

  “We’ll meet you at the hospital,” Egan called.

  “No,” Jude shouted back. “That’s not necessary. Meet us at the house and we’re still going to have that party to celebrate like we planned.”

  In a few seconds they roared away with Phoenix in the passenger seat. Jude looked back to see Paige standing alone. People were walking away, even his family. He should have insisted that she come, but he couldn’t. He was caught between his son and his son’s mother.

  *

  PAIGE WAS FROZEN in place. She couldn’t seem to move or do anything but feel the pain in her chest. Then her body started to tremble and she knew the reaction was starting. Wrapping her arms around her waist, she tried to control her emotions. She’d touched her son and braved the anger in his eyes. She hadn’t expected anything less but, oh, it hurt. She felt as if someone had reached in and pulled out her heart. She gasped for air.

  She’d been patiently waiting for the riders to make the turn and then she saw Zane and the other boy neck and neck, racing toward the finish line. She’d shouted out loud when Zane crossed the line first. But then Jude had started to run toward their son and she’d known something was wrong. To her horror, Zane fell from the saddle, and she quickly grabbed the small medical bag she always kept with her and dashed over to them. She hadn’t even stopped to think that Zane would not want to see her. He was hurt and she would not let her pride or his anger keep her from helping him.

  She was still reeling from the fact that the boy had whipped her son like an animal. The feud between the Rebels and McCrays was still as crazy as ever. So much hate. So much bitterness. Would it ever end?

  “Paige.”

  She’d been so locked within herself she hadn’t even realized that Rachel had come back and now stood by her side.

  “Are you okay?”

  She tucked strands of hair behind her ear and felt a cool breeze on her face. The tightness in her lungs eased and she noticed that people were packing up for the day, loading horses and picking up trash. A sad ending to Founder’s Day.

  “No. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again.” And then she looked into Rachel’s eyes. “You know, don’t you?”

  “Yes.”

  “How many other people know?”

  “Just the Rebel family, I think. Egan told me and I would never betray his confidence. I haven’t told a soul.”

  “Not even Angie?”

  “Not even Angie.”

  Paige sucked air into her burning chest. “I made a huge mistake and I don’t know how to make it better. I don’t know how to explain it to my son. I don’t even know how to explain it to myself.”

  Rachel put her arm around Paige and hugged her. “We all make mistakes, Paige.”

  “But not like the one I made.”

  “It may surprise you, but people can be very understanding.”

  “And very cruel. I remember that from high school.”

  “You had a horrid childhood and everyone in this town knows that. No one blames you.” She squeezed Paige’s shoulder. “Stop blaming yourself. You were amazing with Zane. You were always a cut above the rest of us in school and it showed today. You have an amazing talent and I’m glad you got the education you wanted. Yes, it came with a price, but I’m betting Jude and Zane will feel the same way I do. Just give them time.”

  Paige choked back a sob and hugged her friend. She’d never expected anyone to be this generous and kind and it brought tears to her eyes.

  They pulled apart and Rachel said, “You know, mistakes are like marks on a chalkboard. With a little effort and patience, they can be erased.”

  Paige smiled through her tears. “I don’t know if I have an eraser that big.”

  “All it takes is love.” Rachel touched her forehead. “My hormones are a little crazy right now, but I firmly believe you, Jude and Zane should be together.”

  “Honey,” Egan called.

  “Coming!” Rachel shouted back. “Call me if you need to talk.”

  “Thank you.”

  Rachel walked off toward Egan, and Paige made her way to her car. If not for Rachel’s kind nature, Paige would probably have been crying her eyes out right now. That tiny spark of hope in her chest burned a little brighter.

  She went back to her painting job, but she’d lost interest. She kept wondering how Zane was. Jude had her phone number and she was hoping he would call. By late afternoon the phone still hadn’t rung and she knew Jude wasn’t going to call. So that meant she had to make a big decision: whether to see her son or not.

  *

  JENNY CALLED AHEAD to the emergency room and two orderlies were waiting with a stretcher when Quincy pulled in. Zane had a death grip on Jude’s hand and wouldn’t let go.

  “It’s okay, son. They have to get you out of the truck. It will only be for a few minutes. I’m not going anywhere.”

  Zane released his hand and the orderlies had him out in seconds and on the stretcher. Things happened fast after that. The ER doctor examined him and said he wouldn’t disturb the surgical strips that someone had put on, because they had been done so expertly and the wound was already closing. Then they spent hours doing tests and Zane was nervous, but Jude never left his side. He was always near and Zane knew that.

  By late afternoon they got the okay to go home. Zane was fine, just a little bruised. There was no swelling or bleeding of the brain.

  Jude phoned the family to let them know they were on the way. The moment he opened the front door, everyone shouted, “Congratulations!” There were balloons, streamers and a banner that Eden and Leah had made. Cake and punch were on the dining room table and Zane was all smiles. The smile got even wider when he saw the trophy sitting next to the cake.

  Falcon handed it to him. “Hardy brought this by and said to tell you congratulations.”

  “Wow! Look, Dad. It’s so big.”

  He hugged his son. “I’m proud of you, but we have to get you upstairs to change your clothes.” Zane’s shirt was ruined and it had been left at the fairgrounds and Jude was sure someone had thrown it away. He had a hospital gown on and his jeans. That was it. They had wrapped his ankle to keep it from swelling and Jude had to keep a close eye on it. Zane limped slightly and the doctor had said for him to stay off that foot as much as possible for the next few days. That might be a problem.

  Jude brought him down in his pajamas. He’d known one day those things would come in handy. Zane sat on the sofa with the trophy in the crook of his arm. His grandmother brought him cake and punch and he was the center of attention, but Jude noticed the fear that was still in his son and probably would be for days to come.

  There was a knock at the door and no one seemed to hear it, so he left his son in good hands and went to answer it. Paige stood there looking a little nervous.

  “I’m sorry to intrude, but I have to know how he’s doing.”

  Seeing the worry in her green eyes, Jude made a decision. It was time for Zane to talk to his mother. It might not be the best time, but Jude was going with his gut feeling.

  He opened the door wider. “Come in. But be prepared for some attitude.”

  “I can handle it.”

  Jude felt that she could. She wasn’t a shy, insecure teenager anymore.

  The room fell silent as they walked in. Zane’s eyes grew huge and he glanced down at the trophy in the crook of his arm, refusing to look at his mother.

  His mom came forward and held out her hand. “Thanks for what you did for Zane today.”

  “You’re welcome.” The words came out low but they heard them.

  Jude motioned behind Paige for everyone to go into the kitchen. His brothers and their families slowly got up and made an exit, followed by his mother and grandpa.

  Zane looked nervously around. “No, come back.”

  Jude walked over and sat on
the coffee table facing his son. “I want you to do something for me.”

  “What?” Zane spoke into his chest, not raising his head.

  “Look at me.”

  Zane raised his head and Jude saw two black orbs of anger staring back at him.

  “I want you to talk to your mother and tell her everything you’re feeling. Tell her all the anger and resentment inside you. Let it all out, and then if you never want to see her again, you don’t have to. It’s that simple, son. You have to do this. I’ve never forced you to do anything, but today I’m asking you to talk to your mother and let her know exactly how you feel.” He got up and went into the kitchen to join the family, but he kept his ear to the door. If his son needed him, he wanted to be there. The rest of their lives depended on what Zane said now.

  *

  PAIGE GAVE ZANE a few minutes and then she walked over and perched on the coffee table where Jude had sat, facing her very angry son. Confronting her mistakes was harder than she’d ever imagined. The urge to leave was strong, but she owed this little boy an explanation and he was going to get it, even if it took a piece of her soul.

  “Your color is much better. How do you feel?”

  “Go away and leave me alone,” Zane spat into his chest.

  “I can’t do that. I’ve waited for years to see what you look like and this moment surpasses anything that I’ve ever imagined. A day has not gone by that I haven’t thought of you. I hoped you were with a loving family who cared for you and gave you everything that I couldn’t.”

  “My daddy gave me everything I needed because he loves me.”

  “He’s a special kind of man and I’ve always known that.”

  There was silence for a moment, a silence that was pressing into her lungs, leaving her breathless.

  “I love you, too.”

  His dark eyes finally lifted. Paige felt a chill like nothing she’d ever felt before.

  “Then why did you give me away?”

  “I was young and naive, dealing with a lot of emotional upset at home. My one goal was to leave Horseshoe and my mother and never come back. I could try to explain it and make myself look good, but the honest truth is I was just a scared teenager unsure about myself and the future and the child I was carrying. I so badly wanted you to have a better life than I ever had.”

  “That’s just an excuse.”

  Paige reached into her big bag and pulled out the box she’d been saving all these years for him. She leaned over and placed the box beside him. “When I was about three months pregnant, I started reading to you. I had to do it in the bathtub, where my mother couldn’t hear or see me. I read the books over and over to you and I wrote messages in each one for you. I meant to give them to the adoptive parents, but somehow in the emotional upheaval, I forgot. I saved them all these years. So if you want to know what I was feeling at that time, those books will tell you.”

  “I don’t want them.”

  She swallowed hard, trying not to let his words derail her. “You can throw them away, then, but you’ll never know how hard it was for me to give you away.”

  “Why did you come back? We don’t want you here.”

  “My mother passed away and I came for the funeral and your father gave me this amazing gift. He had my baby, my precious baby, who I had been grieving for all these years.”

  “No, you weren’t. You went on with your life, got an education and became a doctor. You didn’t want a baby. That’s why you got rid of me.”

  A sob blocked her breathing and it took a moment for her to gather her courage once again. “I don’t know what else to say to you to ease your pain, but I love you and I can’t tell you what a joy it was when your father told me he had you, and then to see your beautiful face for the first time was an incredible high.”

  “I wish you’d never seen me.”

  “Then I would’ve died a lonely and miserable woman.”

  “Good. I hope you leave and never come back.”

  Paige felt like a boxer in a ring, taking hit after hit and still having the stamina to keep fighting. But her strength was waning. She couldn’t continue to do this to him or to her. It was too painful.

  She got to her feet. “Maybe one day you’ll open the box and maybe one day you’ll open your heart and realize that life is full of decisions and sometimes we make the wrong ones. But we’re blessed with an amazing ability to forgive. My hope for us is that we’ll be able to do that in the future. Goodbye, my precious son.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Jude wanted to go after Paige, but his son whimpering like a little puppy on the sofa stopped him in his tracks. The choices Jude and Paige had made years ago were tearing their son apart and Jude felt the weight of that like a mantle of solid steel on his shoulders.

  After the emotional day, Zane wasn’t ready to talk to his mother. Now Jude had to deal with the aftermath. He picked up his son as if he was three years old and carried him upstairs to his bed and tucked him in.

  “Daddy.” Zane hiccupped.

  “What, son?”

  “My head hurts.”

  He wanted to say so many things, but once again his son had retreated into himself, blocking out the pain, blocking out his mother. It was a trait he’d inherited from his father.

  Jude glanced toward Quincy and Phoenix, who lingered in the doorway with worried expressions. “Would you get the prescription we picked up at the drugstore?”

  Phoenix turned and went downstairs to do as asked, but Quincy came farther into the room. “Can I speak to him for a minute?”

  “Quincy—” Jude could take care of his own son and he didn’t want anyone interfering, not even Quincy. But then he realized that he was being a little touchy. Zane loved Quincy, so Jude stepped aside and motioned for his brother to come forward.

  Quincy squatted by the bed. “Hey, partner. You did great today and I’m so proud of you.”

  Zane just lay with his head on the pillow, reminding Jude of a broken doll, unable to communicate.

  “Don’t worry about Bear. I checked him over and he’s fine. He’s fed and in his stall for the night.”

  “Thank you, Uncle Quincy.”

  Quincy brushed hair from Zane’s forehead. “Get some rest and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Phoenix came back with the medication and a glass of water. Jude gave Zane a pill. “This will ease the pain in your head and help you to rest.”

  Zane took it without a word and curled into a ball in the bed. The sight did a number on Jude’s control. The last thing he wanted was for his son to get hurt.

  Jude’s mother came into the room and he knew he had to put a stop to all the family togetherness. He and Zane had to deal with this alone. But he would never be rude to his mother.

  “I just want to say good-night,” Kate said, kissing Zane’s forehead. “Good night, my precious baby.”

  “Don’t call me that,” Zane snapped, and Jude moved toward the bed. Zane had never been disrespectful to his grandmother and Jude wouldn’t allow it, either.

  “Zane.”

  “I’m sorry.” Then he started to cry and Jude gestured for everyone to leave the room.

  Jude sat on the bed and gave his son a minute. “I know you’re hurting, but sometimes we have to feel the pain before we can feel the joy. I’m here to help you and I love you. So many people love you.”

  “I don’t want to see her again.”

  Jude swallowed, knowing a line had been drawn and he had to honor what he’d told his son. He wouldn’t force him to see or talk to Paige again. “Okay.” He pulled the Star Wars sheets over Zane and kissed his cheek. “Good night.”

  “Dad-dy.” The name was drawn out and Jude knew his son was drifting into sleep. Jude sat with him until he was sound asleep.

  Slowly, Jude went into his room and stopped short when he saw Phoenix lying on the bed. He sat up when he noticed Jude.

  “How’s the kid?”

  “Not good.” He ran a hand through his hair.
“I shouldn’t have forced it. It was too soon, but I thought…”

  “It’s been a rough day. Don’t beat yourself up. Tomorrow everything will be better.”

  “I don’t know, Phoenix. I’ve never seen Zane this upset.”

  “I know absolutely nothing about kids, but I’ve been told that they’re tough. And Zane’s a tough little kid. Dudley tried to knock him out of the saddle, but Zane kept holding on, refusing to give up. I think that says something about his character. He’s mad at his mother. He made that abundantly clear. My guess is that will pass. You just have to give him time.”

  “She was so hurt by his words.”

  “Yeah, but she had to have known it wouldn’t be a picnic.”

  “She said she was prepared, but how do you prepare for something like that?” Jude had been peeping around the door, just in case Zane needed him, and he’d seen the shattered look on Paige’s face. She hadn’t been prepared at all.

  “Can you stay here for a little while?”

  “Um… I guess. Why?”

  “I have to make sure she’s okay.”

  Phoenix groaned. “Jude, don’t do this. You barely survived the first time and now you’re jumping right back…”

  “Zane should sleep for a while. I won’t be gone long. Call me if he even stirs. Just don’t leave him alone.”

  Phoenix lay back on the bed and reached for the remote control. “Okay, but you better get your butt back here in a hurry.”

  Jude was out of the house in five minutes. His mother was in her room, so he didn’t have to explain anything. Everyone else had gone to their own homes. It was like living in a fishbowl.

  It didn’t take him long to make it to Paige’s house. He was just hoping she hadn’t driven back to Austin. A car was in the driveway and the house was dark. The car wasn’t Staci’s, so Paige must have rented one. That puzzled him. Was she staying in the house?

  He wasn’t sure what he was doing here. He thought she might need comforting after the talk with Zane, but clearly she had gone to bed or had left with Staci. He’d worried for nothing. Then it hit him. He was repeating an old pattern of comforting Paige. So many times he’d come here when her mother had been so vile to her. But Paige didn’t need him anymore. It was about time he faced that. Even though he was still attracted to her, she had moved on to the life she’d wanted without him. But those old habits still died hard.