Jude

by Linda Warren

  *

  PAIGE DIDN’T BOTHER with the lights in the house. She went straight to her bedroom and cried as though her whole world was crashing down around her, and in a way, it had. Her son’s anger destroyed all her confidence and made her weak because he had that much power. He had every right to say what he wanted. She just hadn’t been prepared for the pain.

  The sound of a door opening had her sitting up straight. She hadn’t locked the door, but this was Horseshoe and she felt safe. She got out of bed and tiptoed to the doorway and down the hall. She could see a figure, a tall dark figure, standing near and her heart leaped into her throat.

  “Paige.”

  She sagged against the wall at the sound of the voice that was dear to her. Jude.

  “I’m in the bedroom.” She went back and sat on the bed, waiting for him.

  “Why are there no lights on?”

  “Because I like the dark. In the light, I can see all my flaws and there are many.”

  His shadowy figure framed the doorway. “Well, it’s hard to see. Are you living here now?”

  “Yes. With the new paint and all, it looks so much better and I wanted to be near in case Zane…you know…”

  “Yeah.” He moved farther into the room.

  “Why are you here and not with Zane?”

  He sat on the bed beside her and it sagged, drawing them closer. “His head was hurting, so I gave him a pill the doctor prescribed and he’s out for the night. I was worried about you.”

  “What if he wakes up?”

  “Phoenix is with him. How are you?”

  “I’ve cried until I can’t cry anymore. Now I’m just numb. I knew it would be hard, but I never imagined it would hurt this bad. It hurts.”

  He put his arm around her and she rested her head on his shoulder, loving his strength and his softness at the same time. There was no one like Jude, with his big heart and his code of honor. That was why she never minded too much when he was quiet. She knew she could trust and depend on him no matter what.

  “I’m sorry.” He kissed her hair and his lips trailed to her cheek, to her jaw and then to the corner of her mouth. She touched his face and felt the stubble of his beard and breathed in the scent of him, which, oddly, smelled like birthday cake.

  “You’ve been eating cake.”

  “Mmm. Mom baked a celebration cake for Zane.”

  “Jude.” She buried her face into his chest and burrowed against him, trying to get as far away from herself as she could. If she could soak up one ounce of goodness from him, maybe she could breathe normally again.

  His arms went around her and he held her, rocking her gently, and her feelings for him were as new and vibrant as they’d ever been. “We’ve made mistakes, Paige, and it’s time to stop paying for them. It’s time to start living.”

  “It just kills me that he’s hurting.”

  “Shh.” His lips touched hers and it was like striking a match. Every sense ignited and all she wanted was him. Completely and forever. His mouth opened over hers, their tongues tasted and danced, and they took and gave until they were breathless with need. Time and place ceased to exist. It was just them, two teenagers or two adults. It didn’t matter. It was all the same because it was Jude and Paige and it would always be that way.

  Her hand went to his belt buckle. She knew what she wanted.

  “Paige.”

  His voice was hoarse and she reveled in the husky undertone. “Don’t think, Jude. Just feel.”

  “But…”

  “No worries.” She pulled his shirt out of his jeans and her hands splayed across his roughened masculine skin. After that, there was no turning back for either of them. She unsnapped his shirt with lightning speed and her T-shirt was gone in an instant. The rest of their clothes were thrown to the floor.

  And they were skin on skin, renewing all those feelings that had been dormant for way too long. He lay back and she lay on top of him, enjoying his hardened muscles, which fit perfectly into hers. His hands touched all those sensitive places he knew so well and she in turn stroked and caressed every inch of him until they both were sweaty, panting and beyond rational thought.

  He rolled her onto her back and they came together in perfect harmony, as they always had. The moment his body joined hers, a thought ran through her head: Welcome home. That was the way it felt. She was home in his arms.

  She bit into his shoulder as pleasure rocketed through her body. The taste of salt and blood filled her senses and she wanted to remember this moment forever. Because she knew beyond any doubt that their love would never end.

  *

  JUDE BREATHED DEEPLY and tried to calm his racing heart but he was far from calm. He was charged. Fulfilled. Complete. In a way that only she could make him feel.

  He softly kissed her nose, her mouth, then trailed down to her tender breast. Her skin was a satiny palette and he soaked up every sweet nuance that was Paige. His Paige. His beautiful, intelligent, incredibly naive Paige.

  The hum of a passing car outside invaded his fantasy. His paradise. He winced at the reality. He drew away and pulled her with him. They lay together in the darkened room as the outside world went on. For a moment in time the world had stood still. Just for them. Now he had to face one more mistake.

  Loving her didn’t feel like a mistake.

  He’d forgotten her. Gotten over her. Now everything was as real and new as ever.

  But it still was a mistake.

  Her life wasn’t in Horseshoe. His would always be. He pushed it to the never-never part of his mind and held her because he couldn’t let go just yet. He selfishly held on to these minutes that he needed just to survive.

  She slept peacefully in his arms. Content. Her breath fanned his cheek and a pain shot through him as he pulled away and reached for his clothes. Silently, he dressed. She slept on and he was grateful for that. He had to go. His son was waiting. Their son.

  Unable to resist, he kissed her one more time.

  “Jude,” she murmured.

  He took a long breath and walked out of the room. As he did, he was very aware that he’d made everything that much worse. How many mistakes could one man make in a lifetime?

  *

  PAIGE WOKE UP to a lethargic feeling. She rolled over and reached for Jude, and all her hand encountered was an empty spot. He’d gone. But then, she’d known that he would. Their son needed him. She was just happy that he’d come last night to help soothe her aching heart. She pulled the sheet over her naked body and went back to sleep.

  Two hours later she was up and dressed and busy painting, but her thoughts were on Jude and Zane and she hoped her son was much better this morning. She kept waiting for a phone call from Jude to let her know how things were, but it never came. By midafternoon she knew it wouldn’t. His quietness now would test her patience.

  *

  ZANE SLEPT UNTIL ten the next morning and at first it worried Jude. But his son had had a rough Saturday, so Jude let him sleep in, knowing he needed the rest. When he woke up, he was bubbly and chatty, as always. The ankle was a little more swollen and Zane said it didn’t hurt that bad. Jude didn’t give him any more medication, because he wanted to save it for when he really was in pain.

  After a shower, Zane changed into shorts and a T-shirt. “Look at my trophy, Dad.” He stood on one foot in front of the dresser where it was displayed, stroking it lovingly. He ignored the box his mother had given him, sitting next to it.

  They were back to pretending Paige didn’t exist. Zane hobbled around on one foot and Jude helped him down the stairs to the living room. His grandmother made a fuss over him and Zane was all smiles. Jude just hated that once again they would have to tackle the subject of the elephant in the room: his mother. But not until later.

  “I’m making a special dinner just for you,” his grandmother told him. “Chicken-fried steak, mashed potatoes and gravy.”

  “Oh, boy.”

  “It’s almost eleven. Would you like a glass of
milk or something to hold you over?”

  “Okay.”

  “Dad, could you bring my trophy downstairs, please?”

  Jude did as his son requested and the morning passed quickly as the whole family turned out to cheer up Zane. He was the center of attention, except when baby John stole it every now and then wanting to kiss Zane’s boo-boo.

  Over lunch, Zane talked about the race and Dudley hitting him with the crop. Jude was glad he was talking about it, because he didn’t want him suppressing that, too.

  “The next time I see Dudley McCray, I’m going to beat the crap out of him,” Elias said.

  Zane’s face crumpled. “No, Uncle Elias, don’t do that.”

  “Hey, buddy, I was just joking,” his brother hastened to reassure him.

  “Good, because I don’t want you to hurt him. It doesn’t feel good to be hurt.”

  Elias did something unexpected. He got up and hugged Zane. “No one’s going to hurt you again.”

  There was gut-wrenching silence around the table and then Phoenix slayed the emotion-stealing moment with, “Who wants to play poker this afternoon?”

  “I do!” Zane shouted, and Jude stared at his son. His brothers played poker a lot and Zane had never shown any interest in it.

  “You got any money?” Elias asked with a gleam in his eye.

  “Yes. It’s in my room.” Zane looked at Jude. “Can you get it, Dad?”

  “I don’t know if I want you playing poker with…”

  “Dad, please.”

  “The boy wants to learn, so let him,” was Grandpa’s response. “I’ll make sure these yahoos don’t mistreat him.”

  Jude had never feared for one moment that his brothers would mistreat Zane. He was just hoping that he and Zane could have some time alone this afternoon. But maybe fun time with his uncles would be best.

  He gave his son five dollars out of his pocket and told him when he lost that, the game was over. But he knew his son. He learned things quickly and easily. If his brothers and Grandpa didn’t watch out, he’d clean their clocks.

  Jude left his son in his brothers’ hands and went to his saddle-making workshop to be alone. He had to think. Paige filled his mind so completely that he had to get his thoughts straight. He’d wanted to call her this morning but had thought better of that. He had to talk to her soon, though. He just wasn’t sure what to say. Being quiet solved a lot of problems. He didn’t have to stress over words. That left a big wad of emotions that were never expressed. And it was the reason he’d found himself at a hospital signing away his rights to his son. He never wanted to go back to being that person.

  The moment he opened the door, the scent of leather greeted him and he relaxed. His parents had worried about the fact that he was so quiet, and they’d wanted to get him involved in something that would help him. So he’d taken woodworking and leather craft in school just to get them off his back. To his surprise, he’d loved it and he’d loved the teacher, who had taught him so much. He’d diligently worked at his craft and improved. It was something he was proud of and something he could talk about. Now it was more than a hobby. Every saddle he sold went into Zane’s college fund. But Zane would very likely be like his mother and receive a full scholarship. There would be extras, though, and Jude wanted to be prepared. He spent many evenings cutting and working with leather.

  A black saddle with silver conchas took pride of place in front of his desk. He’d made the saddle for his father when he was fifteen and his father had used it until the day he died. One day Jude would give it to Zane, who had never met his grandfather. Jude wanted his son to have a part of the man who had shaped Jude’s life.

  He picked up a soft cloth and leather cream and rubbed it into the saddle. Every time he did this, he felt closer to his father. The leather was smooth and had a sheen to it. Jude leaned back on his desk and stared at the saddle. He could almost hear his father’s words. Do your best, son. That’s all I’ll ever ask of you.

  I’m trying, Dad, Jude replied silently. I still love her, but I don’t see a future for us.

  “Jude?”

  Chapter Fourteen

  “Paige.” Jude swung around with a startled look on his face.

  “I don’t mean to intrude, but a guy with long hair and a scar on his face told me you were in here. I wanted to know how Zane is today. I thought you would call.”

  “I’ve been busy.” His words were testy and the new feelings of the morning began to fade. “He’s pretending you don’t exist and I’m giving him time before I force it again.”

  She drew a steadying breath and looked around the room, with its tables covered with leather pieces, a working stool, different machines, a big sink, leather-making tools covering one wall and a big desk. “You have your own shop now.”

  “Yeah, I built it about two years after Zane was born. I needed to make extra money for him. I wanted him to have everything.”

  Her throat clogged at the accusing implication, and the man who’d made love to her last night was gone. A cold stranger was staring back at her. She walked over to the black saddle and touched it. “I remember when you made this in school. We weren’t dating then, but everyone knew how excited you were to give it to your dad.”

  “Yeah. I never dreamed he would die that quickly.”

  “I’m so sorry about that. I know how much you loved him.”

  He stared at the rag in his hand. “I wish he could’ve seen Zane. He would have loved him.” He moved to a table and placed the rag on it and then turned to her. “What are you doing here?”

  “I wanted to check on Zane.”

  “I wished you’d called first.”

  “I did, but you didn’t answer your phone.”

  He patted his shirt pockets and then his jeans. “I must’ve left it at the house.”

  “How’s he feeling?”

  “Sad, but my brothers are cheering him up.”

  “I see.” She should have never come here, but with the newfound emotions of the night, she couldn’t stay away. Clearly it was only one-sided. But she wasn’t going to walk away without an explanation. “What’s wrong? You’re different this afternoon.”

  He swallowed visibly and remained silent, as he always did. That angered her. She had hoped he’d outgrown that.

  “If you don’t talk, we can’t solve anything.”

  “You want me to talk? Okay.” His words were sharp, as if he’d been honing them for years. “When you first came back, you said there was nothing here for you. And you said the same thing over twelve years ago. I’m here, Paige. Didn’t that mean anything to you?”

  “Of course it did.”

  “No, it didn’t. You went on with your plans as if I didn’t exist.”

  “That’s not true. We talked about the baby and you never offered any solutions. I kept waiting, Jude, for you to make suggestions, but you never did. So don’t lay a guilt trip on me.”

  He took a deep breath and stared at the ceiling. “When I took you to Austin to the airport, you kept crying, and I didn’t know what to say to you. Words were just not there. When did we stop talking? That’s what I’d like to know. When did we start forgetting the important stuff?”

  “The moment I told you I was pregnant, things changed. You were different and more quiet than usual. That’s why I listened to Mrs. Carstairs. But we both decided the baby would be better off with a loving couple.”

  “We were a loving couple!” he shouted, and for a moment a spasm of fear gripped her. “I just kept thinking we were doing the right thing, but in my heart I knew we weren’t. I focused on you and your career and your dreams and I should’ve been focusing on the baby and his life and his dreams.”

  She wanted him to talk and now she had to listen and she had to bear each word, even though they cut right through her skin.

  “I was going to join Phoenix and Paxton and rodeo that summer. I had to pack and I was going to meet them in Amarillo the next day. But every mile I drove toward Horse
shoe, I wasn’t thinking about the rodeo. I was thinking about that baby I left behind. He was mine. He had my blood and the closer I got to Horseshoe, the more the rodeo faded from my mind. I couldn’t live with myself if I just walked away. Telling my mother was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, besides giving my son away. She supported me and I was able to get Zane back and I will always be grateful for that. I’ve protected him for over twelve years now. Everything I do is for Zane.”

  He ran both hands through his hair and seemed to stagger with all the words that had come out of him. Words he’d never said before. “I knew nothing about babies. I’d bounced Eden around and played with her, but I never fed her or changed her diapers. It was a rude awakening for an eighteen-year-old boy. I learned everything I had to do, and for someone who slept soundly, I learned to wake up at the slightest noise because Zane might need me. It wasn’t easy by any means and I’ve made so many bad decisions. But if Zane doesn’t want to see you again, I’m going to ask you to leave.”

  “No, Jude, please.” The plea came from deep within her and she would beg if she had to. She might not deserve it, but she was willing to do anything to be a part of her son’s life.

  “How long do you plan to stay in Horseshoe?” he asked instead of answering.

  The question flustered her. “I don’t know. As long as it takes.”

  “But you have to go back?”

  “Yes, I have to finish my residency.”

  “And what about Zane? You’re going to walk away from him once again?”

  “Why are you being so mean?”

  “Because I’m a father and I have to look out for what’s best for my son. If he gets to know you and you leave, how do you think he’s going to feel?”

  She hung her head and stared at the concrete floor as twelve years came full circle and she now had to face the biggest decision of her life. This time she would get it right, even if it meant giving up everything she’d ever worked for. But Jude wasn’t going to believe that.