Jude

by Linda Warren

  The days fell into a pattern and Zane never mentioned his mother or the box. By Friday the swelling in his ankle had gone down and Zane said it didn’t hurt to step on it. The crutches found a home in the closet. Since Zane was doing so well, Jude was wondering whether to force the issue once again. Paige had texted every day to ask about Zane and it was a real test of his patience not to go over and talk to her. She’d been back only a week and he realized how much he missed seeing her, talking to her, touching her. Oh, man, he was in so much trouble.

  *

  PAIGE SPENT HER days working on the house and in the yard as she waited. She pulled weeds out of the flower beds and planted new flowers. She made a trip down to the antiques store and bought things for the house. That was a little insane since she wasn’t planning on staying there, but it kept her busy. She walked around the town and spoke to people and renewed her love of the small town. But she grew doubtful that her son was ever going to acknowledge her.

  Jude stayed away, and every time she heard a car, she’d run to the window to see if it was him. Sadly, it never was and she began to see just how much she needed him. How much she needed to simply hear his voice and be with him. They’d been apart too long. Was there still a chance for them?

  *

  ON SATURDAY, JUDE, Elias and Jericho worked on the hay baler. They usually hired a man to bale the hay, but since he’d raised his prices, Falcon had decided it would be cost effective if they took up the task themselves again.

  After lunch on Sunday, Jude worked in his saddle shop and Zane played poker with Grandpa and the brothers. But Jude’s mind was totally on Paige and how she was handling the wait. Tonight he might broach the subject with Zane. He was in a better mood and might listen. Jude had to make his son understand his world wasn’t going to change if he spoke to his mother. It was just something he needed to do for his own peace of mind.

  A thought kept running through his mind: Once Paige visited with her son, would she be gone from their lives again? That cut deep into Jude. Would she stay or would she go? And would he survive this time?

  When he went back to the house, his mother was alone in the den. “Where’s Zane?”

  “He went upstairs a long time ago. I hope he’s feeling okay.”

  “I’m sure he is. He’s probably counting the money he won at poker.”

  “They had a lot of fun. It’s good to see him happy again.” His mom closed the farm and ranch magazine she was reading. “I try to stay out of my sons’ childrearing decisions, but…”

  “I’m on it, Mom. I’m just waiting for the right moment.” He took the stairs two at a time to avoid a discussion on what he should or shouldn’t do. He didn’t need any advice, not even from his mother.

  Jude went through his room into the bathroom, washed his hands and then continued into Zane’s room. He stopped short in the doorway. Zane was in the middle of his bed with children’s books all around him. Paige’s box sat at the foot of the bed, opened.

  Children’s books? The box had been filled with children’s books?

  “Dad, listen.”

  Jude pushed the box aside to do just that.

  Zane read from one of the books. “‘My precious baby, today I felt you move for the first time and realized that a tiny human being is growing in me. Someone your dad and I created. A gift from God. That fills me with so much joy. I want to make all the right decisions for you because I want you to grow up to be a strong, healthy and secure person.’” He held the book out to Jude. “See, my mother wrote messages to me in all of the books. Want to hear another one?”

  “Sure.” Paige had never told him about the books, but then, they hadn’t talked much about the baby, just what they needed to do. Avoidance was their mode of communication back then.

  “‘My precious baby, I’m sitting in the bathtub reading to you because you fill my every waking thought. My mother is yelling at me and I’m trying to shut out her voice. I feel resentment and bitterness toward her. I can’t bring a precious baby into the house, because I feel she will poison you like she’s poisoned me. I want the very best life for you and I’m afraid that means I will have to let you go. It will break my heart, but I want you to have everything that I never had. I want you to have love.’”

  Jude swallowed hard as all those old emotions churned inside him. He tried to concentrate on Zane and his reaction. That was what was important. Zane’s eyes were bright and shining as if he’d just discovered something beautiful that only he understood.

  “Here’s another, Dad.” Zane picked up a book and began to read. “‘My precious baby, today your father and I will travel to Austin to bring you into the world. And today we will let go and it will be the hardest thing we’ll ever have to do. But I believe in my heart we’re doing the right thing for you. You’ll have two loving parents who will treasure you and love you and give you all the things that you’ll need in this world. I will think of you always. I love you, my precious baby.’”

  There was silence for a moment and Jude was glad because words clogged his throat in a way that prevented him from speaking. He’d been right there with her through all of it, but he’d never felt it so deeply as he did at that moment as he experienced her pain, her suffering in letting go.

  “There’s a lot more about the counselor she spoke to who gave her advice and how she encouraged her to do the right thing for her baby. I don’t like those, but I’m glad they’re there because I can read what she was feeling at the time.”

  “Brown Bear, Brown Bear is my favorite. It’s where she wrote she felt me move for the first time.”

  Jude swallowed the sob in his throat. “Do you want to talk about your mother?”

  “She’s pretty, isn’t she?”

  “Yes. I always thought so.”

  “She wrote in one of the books she overate because she was nervous and people never knew she was pregnant.”

  “That’s true. Her mother’s cruel behavior was hard on Paige and the reason she made so many bad decisions.”

  “She’s a doctor now.”

  “Yes, she is. She’s has a few more months before she takes the Medical Licensing Exam and then she’ll be working in obstetrics. Her favorite part is working with teenage girls who are undecided about adoption.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. She doesn’t want another girl to go through what she did and she certainly doesn’t want a girl listening to a counselor who does not have her best interest at heart.”

  There was silence again as Zane ran his fingers over the words inscribed inside a book, as if to soak up the message. “Dad, why did you never ask my mother to marry you?”

  That was a tough question and he didn’t want to lie to his son, but the explanation hung in his throat.

  As if sensing Jude’s difficulty, Zane said, “Were you afraid she’d say no?”

  He looked into those dark eyes so much like his own and wondered if the kid was a mind reader. That was exactly how Jude had felt. If he had asked and she had said no, he would’ve been devastated. Fear was a powerful thing and he’d controlled his emotions until the moment he realized he’d lost his son. Losing Paige was something he still hadn’t grown accustomed to.

  “Yeah. Her life was set and if I had asked her to stay, she would have had to give it all up and I didn’t have the courage to do that.”

  “You’re the bravest person I know, Dad. How many teenage guys would go back and get their kid after he had been given up for adoption?” Zane flipped through the book without looking at Jude. “Do you ever regret doing that?”

  “Not for a second.” That answer was easy. That one action in his life would stand out until the day he died and probably beyond. It had taken every ounce of courage he had.

  “I don’t think I want to be a teenager. They’re crazy. Even Eden was crazy. What happens to them?”

  Jude smiled at his son. “You’re a smart kid and I’m betting you can figure it out.”

  “Yeah. It’s about
girls and sex and all that stuff.”

  “Yes, and all that stuff.”

  Zane picked up a book and placed it back into the box. “Dad, do you think we can visit my mother?”

  And just like that, the world had righted itself and his son was now ready to face the woman who’d given him life. Jude couldn’t have been happier.

  *

  STACI CALLED, AND Paige went to Austin to spend some time with her. There was a big wedding reception at two and she wanted Paige to see all the decorations. She had never seen her sister’s work, so she drove in to have lunch and see the spectacular wedding Staci was raving about.

  Paige, who had never been one to flip through wedding magazines, was impressed with the gala affair. The ballroom was decorated in pink and white and silver. She’d never seen so many flowers adorning tables, and just about everywhere, huge arrangements stood. Silver candelabras sat on the bride and groom’s table, as did fine china, silver and crystal. Every chair was covered in white with a big pink bow on the back. Small pink boxes tied with white ribbon waited at each place setting.

  “What’s in the boxes?” she asked her sister.

  Staci winked. “Chocolates, my dear.”

  “Everything’s gorgeous.” Paige looked around the room at all the beautiful decorations and wondered if tonight a young woman’s fantasy would come true. She would marry her Prince Charming. Ah, how unrealistic that sounded. But it was every little girl’s dream. Paige had found her prince and she had a sinking feeling he was never going to forgive her. But she would keep hoping and dreaming and maybe she wouldn’t need all these decorations, just a four-leaf clover. And a prayer.

  Things began to get a little hectic as Staci had to deal with the kitchen crew, the waitstaff, the decorators and the wedding planner. Paige kissed her sister goodbye and headed back to Horseshoe. She didn’t want to be gone too long. She made it home at about four and took off her dress and heels and wondered what she was going to do for the rest of the evening.

  Slipping on her jeans and a T-shirt, she thought she might walk around the town square and try to enjoy the evening. She might even stop in at the bakery and buy something delicious. A buzz interrupted her thoughts and she realized it was her phone in her purse in the kitchen.

  She ran and fished it out and saw that it was Jude. He was calling, not texting. Could that mean…?

  “Are you busy?” he asked.

  “No. I went to Austin to see Staci and I just got back. Is Zane okay?”

  “Yes. He’s fine and walking without his crutches, as I told you.”

  “Oh, good. I thought something had happened.”

  “Something has. Could we come over for a minute?”

  We. “Jude, do you mean you and Zane?”

  “Yes.”

  Her heart raced and she had trouble pushing words from her throat. “Yes, I’ll be waiting. Thank you.”

  She clicked off and ran around the house like a madwoman. Maybe she should put her dress and heels back on. No. Maybe she should put on some makeup. No. She already had makeup on. She ran her hands up her arms and felt cold and hot all at the same time. Her son was coming. Her son was coming. Her precious baby. She sank to the floor and began to cry. Uncontrollable sobs shook her body. It seemed as though she’d waited forever for this moment and she was so nervous she wanted to scratch her skin until it bled. But she’d outgrown that habit. She’d outgrown a lot of things.

  The sobs subsided and she wiped tears away with her back of her hand. Rising to her feet, she drew a calming breath and went to the bathroom to wash her face. She had to get control of herself and she didn’t have much time. Looking in the mirror, she saw she’d smeared her mascara. Oh, crap. She scrubbed her face clean and then applied lipstick. That was the best she could do.

  She took several more calming breaths and forced herself to walk to the kitchen. Her son was coming, but she had no idea what he wanted to say. She had to brace herself for that. She had to brace herself for the reality that this was not going to go as she wanted. But it was a start. And she hoped her son had at least lost some of his anger.

  The doorbell rang and she jumped.

  Her precious baby was here.

  Chapter Seventeen

  With a shaky hand, Paige opened the door. Zane stood in front of his father with the box in his hands, his eyes bright but cautious. The resentment she’d witnessed last Saturday wasn’t there anymore. A sense of relief washed over her.

  “I read what you wrote in the books,” Zane said. “Could you read them to me?”

  “I’d like nothing better. Come in.” She opened the door wider and they came into the house. Paige’s knees were trembling and she had to calm down or she wasn’t going to get through this. “There’s not much furniture here, though we have a table and chairs in the kitchen.”

  Zane placed the box on the table and sat in a chair.

  “Zane, I’m going over to ask Bubba some questions about the hay baler we’re working on. I’ll be back in half an hour.”

  “Okay, Dad.”

  Paige didn’t want Jude to feel he had to leave—or maybe she just wanted someone else here as she faced her twelve-year-old son. Before she could voice her concerns, Jude was gone and she was left staring into the most beautiful eyes she’d ever seen, just like his father’s.

  “I read what you wrote in the books,” Zane said again. “And it made me… I don’t know…sad.”

  She pulled a chair close to him. “Why did it make you sad?”

  “Because I thought you gave me away because you didn’t want me.”

  Her breath caught at his admission.

  “But as I read, I could see how much you wanted me and how much you suffered in making your decision. I really don’t like the counselor or your mother, but I don’t know them and I’m glad that I don’t.”

  “It was a very difficult time, but I felt in my heart I was doing the right thing for you. But once I reached California, I knew I had made the wrong decision and there was just no way to turn back the clock.”

  “My dad said you lost your scholarship and had to live in a homeless shelter.”

  “Yes, but I found there are good people out there. People who helped me to find myself again. And once I was on my feet, I worked hard to accomplish a dream I’d had since I was a girl, even though it cost me my baby.”

  “But it didn’t. My dad came and got me. My dad, he’s special.”

  “Yes, your dad is very special.”

  “He can do all sorts of things with horses and cows and he makes saddles and repairs hay balers and tractors. He can do just about anything, but he doesn’t talk much. Grandma says he’s been that way since Ezra McCray shot him.”

  “Sometimes people with as much character as your father don’t need to say a word. People know how he feels.” As she said the words, she knew they were true. Jude didn’t need to talk to her. She knew how he felt.

  After that, Zane had loads of questions and she answered each one as honestly as she could. Her son was a talker, so unlike his father. His eyes lit up as if there were candles burning behind them. It was a joy just to watch this amazing child who was hers. And Jude’s.

  She didn’t say she was sorry and she didn’t ask for forgiveness. She didn’t need to. It was clear her son had forgiven her. That was a miracle in itself.

  All too soon Jude returned and she wanted to hold on to the moment and to never let it go. And to never let her son go again. But summoning the maturity she’d learned over the years, she hugged her son with everything that was in her heart and he hugged her back. It was a moment she would remember forever.

  She saw her son every day after that. He continued to ask questions and she continued to answer them. She wanted him to know everything that had happened and some of the answers made her look bad. But she didn’t care. She wanted to be honest with her son.

  Jude was busy baling hay and he asked if she could pick up Zane from school. She happily agreed. Zane wanted her
to meet his teachers. He had no qualms about telling people she was his mother. Every teacher she talked to told her how bright Zane was and how he was a pleasure to teach.

  They went to the bakery to get kolaches and a drink and Zane told Angie’s mom and everyone in the place that Paige was his mother. No one seemed surprised, not even Angie. They walked around the town square and Zane talked constantly, telling her about Horseshoe and its businesses as if she’d never been there. She listened avidly. They met Wyatt and Hardy on the courthouse lawn and once again Zane introduced her as his mother. And again they didn’t seem surprised.

  One afternoon Staci came to meet her nephew and there was no awkwardness at all as Zane chattered as if he’d known Staci all his life. Of course, most of his conversation was about his dad and it was very clear how much he loved Jude.

  Everything was perfect, better than she’d ever imagined, except Jude wasn’t there. He stayed away and she didn’t know if that was on purpose or if he was busy. Or maybe he was just giving her time with their son. In a way, it hurt. She wanted to see him and share this experience with him.

  *

  JUDE WAS DOG tired from a full day of hauling hay. One more day and they would be through with the hauling. Then they would start on another pasture. It was a never-ending cycle during the summer.

  He showered and changed clothes. Zane still wasn’t home and Jude decided to go to his shop to work on a saddle. He should have just sat in a chair and rested, but when he did that, thoughts attacked him from all sides and he hated how his mind was filled with questions he couldn’t answer. Hard work solved that problem. If he kept working, he’d be too tired to even think.

  His mom stopped him before he could get out the door. “Eat something before you go, and don’t say no. You’ve been working all day and you need nourishment.”

  For the first time he realized he was hungry. He filled his plate with pot roast, vegetables and a hot roll and took it to the table to eat. His mother brought him a glass of tea.

  “When is Zane coming home?”

  “I told him he has to be home by seven. Although Paige helps him with his homework now, so I guess just any time will do, but he’ll be home by seven.”