Finding Home

by Meg Harding

  “I am.” Elliot’s skin was clammy, but he didn’t withdraw from the touch. Jaden scratched his lower stomach with his free one. He closed his eyes. “It’s frustrating. Because I know I’m better off without, and I know he’s a massive dickwad, but I miss him anyway. Well, I miss the illusion of us. The stability. And the ring doesn’t mean anything, but the idea of giving it back hurts.”

  “You been having the panic attacks since the break up?” Elliot’s tone was soft, filled with care.

  Jaden shook his head. “I’ve always had them. I’m high strung.” Every time was like the first time. The fear of not being able to breathe. The restriction in his chest. The “what, why” sensation.

  Elliot pushed at his shoulder. “Sit up.” Reluctantly Jaden did, glancing questioningly at Elliot. There was a damp spot where Jaden’s back had been on the beach towel. He wrinkled his nose. Elliot maneuvered to face him, legs crossed. “I used to have anxiety attacks all the time,” he said. “And then I met Chase. He showed me a couple things that help ease them, and it all starts with breathing.”

  Sitting under the tent, with the sun beating down on them through the material and the breeze an ever present rush of noise, Elliot guided Jaden through breathing exercises. Jaden expected to humor him, to say “oh yeah, it’s working,” when really he felt nothing. But with every steady inhale, with every push to focus on the calming sound of the waves crashing and the birds yelling, his shoulders unknotted a little.

  A very wet Magneto found them like this, and he broke up their meditation by shaking water all over them. Jaden flinched away from the spray, cursing and laughing at the same time. He got louder when Magneto knocked him over, slobbering everywhere and looking like he was having the time of his life dirtying up Jaden, covering him in dog hair. Jaden tilted his head back and tried to take in air that didn’t smell like damp dog.

  It turned out Chase could get hotter than he already was. And Jaden didn’t mean temperature wise. His gaze was glued to Chase on his surfboard, standing on it like balance was nothing and the waves weren't trying to send him ass-over-kettle. His boardshorts were clinging to his muscular legs, hanging dangerously low on his lean hips. His hair was plastered to his head and instead of looking stupid, like he was wearing a tight hair cap, he looked like James fucking Bond coming out of the water.

  “Chase is a good guy,” said Zane, dropping his soaking butt to a seat beside Jaden. He grunted when he landed and everything. Jaden raised his eyebrows questioningly. Zane stretched his legs out, toes flexing as he groaned. He, too, was watching Chase surf. “He’s a great friend.”

  Jaden dug his feet into the sand, watching the little grains cover his pale-as-all-get-out but now pinkened skin. He was going to be sunburned, even with his constant every thirty minutes application of sunscreen. They'd been out here for hours now, lunch time and their picnic of sandwiches and junk food in the past. He didn't know what to say to Zane, so he didn’t say anything. In the water, Phoenix rode a wave in on his boogie board, and Magneto pawed at the ground, jumping around.

  Inevitably, Jaden’s eyesight was drawn back to Chase. He was lying on his board, propelling further out into the ocean, skin glistening under the intense sun. Watching the muscles in Chase’s back move as he stroked his arms against the current made something low in Jaden’s belly throb. He shifted to hide the chub he had going from Zane.

  Zane sighed. “You’re leaving.”

  It was a statement of fact, not a question. Jaden stared at the dark blue ocean and the sandy shore. He waited.

  “Don’t hurt him.”

  Jaden blinked. He didn't know what he was expecting, but it wasn’t that. He turned to look at Zane. His expression was serious, the lines of his mouth thin. “What?”

  Zane tilted his head toward Chase’s ant-like form, he was so far out now. “I’m not blind and you’re not subtle. You could take off at any moment, and you’re coming off a divorce. Nothing about that screams ‘good idea for Chase.’ He’s been through a lot, and I’d hate to see him get hurt.”

  Jaden snorted. It was a kneejerk reaction done without thought. He pointed at himself and then out at Chase. “You think I’m going to hurt him?” He giggled. “Have you seen him? Guys like that don’t get hurt by guys like me.”

  Zane’s brows furrowed. The wind blew his hair into his eyes and he shoved it back. “What does that mean?”

  Pointing at himself again, feeling like he was walking into a trap, Jaden said, “I’m like a four, and Chase is a ten.” Zane’s thunderous expression only grew more so. Jaden wished he’d kept his mouth shut. His mind was helpfully picturing dark, stormy clouds hanging over Zane’s head. “I’m an accountant who currently is jobless, the only actual muscle I have is in my calves from walking so much, and I live with my mom. I’m not a catch.” He planned to add to the list, but Zane slapped his hand over Jaden’s mouth. It shocked him, and he went a little cross-eyed trying to see what Zane was doing. He jerked away a second later, once he was able to recover from the sense of what the fuck. “Personal space bubble,” he blurted out. Why did no one in this town believe in it?

  As if to prove his point, Zane rolled his eyes. “The only thing wrong here is your self-esteem,” he said. “I’m not going to sit here and listen to you beat yourself up. You’re more than that.”

  What could he say? Zane was defending him. From himself. Jaden stared. No one had ever done that before. “Um.” Zane shook his head, looking disgusted. Jaden had a feeling it wasn’t at him, though. He swallowed hard. He was going to open his mouth and agree with Zane. Tell him he was totally right and change the mood. He opened his mouth. He said, “You don’t even know me.”

  So, not what he was going for.

  “Because you’re not letting us,” said Zane. “We’ve known you a week now, and every time we ask about you, you turn the subject to us without revealing anything. And I’m not saying you need to spill your guts out to us. I get that we’re strangers to you, and this wasn't what you were planning to deal with when you came here.

  “I’m not going to lie, I didn’t want to like you at first. Elliot, Phoenix… they’re more open. You could do damage there. More so to Elliot. They’re my first priorities. If this is nothing but a vacation to you while you figure out how much money to get from us—which I don’t think it is—then you need to stop playing and leave. But if you’re in this for us, when you leave here, we’d like you to keep in touch. You’ve got a family network now. If you’ll let us be that.”

  Jaden’s eyes were burning. Sand must have blown into them. He blinked repeatedly, trying to alleviate the burn without rubbing them. “I’ll try,” he said, and it was more of a whisper than anything else. His throat felt tight. He couldn't promise more than making an effort. He didn't know if he was capable.

  Zane scooted closer and brushed their shoulders together. He draped his arm over Jaden’s shoulders and pulled him into a side hug. It was hot and uncomfortable, their skin sticky and way too humid. Jaden didn't move. Zane squeezed. “How about we get you in the water?” He paused when Jaden stiffened. “Do you know how to swim?”

  “I know how to swim.” In perfectly safe pools with no currents or sea life to kill him.

  Zane stood and then held out a hand. “Come on, then. You’re the only one who hasn’t got in. Even your dog’s out there.”

  “I’m not going in past my waist,” he warned, accepting the hand up. He'd look like a coward if he didn't get in now. “And if anything happens to me, I’m coming back and haunting you.”

  “Ah,” said Zane. “You’re one of those.”

  “One of those?”

  “News watchers,” said Zane, lips quirking. “Don’t worry. Far more people die from gators than sharks, and there aren’t gators at the beach.”

  Chapter 8

  Sunset spilled over Serenity in a wash of pink, red, and yellow. The colors reflected brilliantly off the ocean, not a cloud in the sky to mar the beautiful sight. It was cool enough that
they could finally move their beach towels from under the tent to under what would soon be a blanket of stars.

  Chase crouched by Jaden’s side, watching the rise and fall of his upper back as he snored quietly. His fingers twitched. He bit back the urge to touch. It had taken over half the day to get him in the ocean and still longer to get him to do more than stand in it like a rigid pole, looking at the water like the Kraken was going to pop out at him. By sixish they’d coaxed him onto a boogie board and convinced him to race all of them. Chase had gladly set aside his surfboard to do so.

  The first thing Jaden did when they moseyed their way to the tent for a break was pass out, facedown, on his towel.

  He hadn’t budged since.

  His dark hair had dried in short little spikes, the salt making it hard and prickly looking. All of his skin was a dull red, sure to be a more painful, bright red come shower time. His perfect backside beautifully filled out the boardshorts Zane lent him. They too were dry now, no longer molding to every curve. It was a shame.

  Phoenix passed by, the cooler with their picnic dinner dangling from his fingers, and he coughed. Chase arched an eyebrow, twisting to see him. Phoenix copied his expression. “This isn't Sleeping Beauty. Shake him and he’ll wake up.”

  Chase scoffed and rolled his eyes. He wasn't about to admit that kissing Jaden awake was probably where his thoughts were going to head next. Jaden’s bicep beneath his hand was warm and a little rough from dried salt and sand clinging to him. In the slowly fading light, Chase could make out the barely there freckles Jaden had acquired from his time in the sun. He shook him gently, before the desire to trace the new marks became overwhelming. “Jaden,” he said. He nudged him again when all Jaden did was grumble and swat at him in response, eyes still shut, breath deep and steady. He wasn't waking up that easily, apparently. “Jaden.”

  Jaden rolled over to his back slowly, and then covered his face. “What?” he slurred from beneath his hands. He massaged his forehead with the pads of his fingers. “Was I drinking?”

  “Your head hurt?” There was a tiny pink shell stuck to Jaden’s stomach, right next to his belly button. Would it be too forward of Chase to brush it off? Chase bit his lip and tried not to stare at the shell and the dark happy trail so close to it.

  Jaden groaned. “Yes.”

  Chase blinked, rerouting his thoughts to remember what he’d asked. It took him a second. “Sun hangover,” he said sagely. “You need water. Being out this long can do that to you.” He scratched his jaw, frowning. Jaden wasn't used to the heat and they all knew that. They should have been making sure he was staying hydrated. “When was the last time you drank something?”

  Jaden worked his fingers into his hair, using the heels of his hands to rub his forehead while simultaneously soothing his scalp. “Before I went for a swim.” He licked his lips. They were dry and cracked at the moment. “I think.” A yawn cracked his jaw. “Why’d you wake me up? I’m tired.”

  Yeah, Chase needed to get Jaden hydrated and fed stat. He prodded at Jaden’s shoulder. “Come on. We’re going to eat. You’ll feel better after.”

  Watching Jaden stand was akin to watching an eighty-year-old rise from a beanbag. He was stiff, the beginnings of sunburn no doubt making his skin feel tight. He moved glacially, releasing soft noises he was probably not aware of. He yawned again. His eyes were hazy, still glazed with sleep. He kept blinking.

  Giving in just this once, Chase placed a hand on Jaden’s lower back, directing him toward the sheet Elliot had laid out not too far from the tide. Jaden shivered for a second. Chase didn't take his hand away as they started walking. “You’re going to sleep like the dead tonight,” he promised Jaden. “But trust me, you’re going to want to put Aloe on first.”

  Jaden stroked his index finger over the bridge of his nose. It was the reddest thing on him, closely followed by his shoulders. He sighed. “I’m going to be a lobster, aren’t I?”

  Chase nodded. “Afraid so.” Selfishly Chase hoped Jaden didn't get a tan out of it. He liked his paler complexion, and he was way too charmed by all the freckles. Chase didn’t know till now that he even had a thing for them. He was so distracted studying Jaden’s face—to see if any freckles had appeared on his rosy cheeks—he almost didn't catch him when Jaden startled, tilting back, arms windmilling. If he didn’t still have a hand low on Jaden’s spine, he wouldn’t have caught him. “Wha—” Chase began to ask but stopped when he saw the crab running for the hills—in this case the ocean. “Ah.”

  The brothers all turned to stare. Chase waved at them with his free hand. “It’s okay. Just a crab.” He looked at Jaden. “Don’t have those in New York, huh?”

  Jaden answered as they reached the sheet, his cheeks a little redder now with what was probably embarrassment. “Not anywhere I’ve been. I’ve only seen the big ones you eat.” Chase didn't know if it was done purposely or not, but Jaden pushed back into Chase’s touch for the briefest of moments before lowering himself to sit on the sheet. He fished a water out of the large blue cooler without Chase prompting him.

  Because he didn't want to listen to his friends later about how obvious his crush was, Chase walked around so he could sit between Phoenix and Zane. “Anyone know what I did with my phone?” he asked. “I want to get a few pics of the sunset before it’s gone.” Whenever he got a particularly good photograph while out exploring Florida’s vast nature, he got it printed and framed it either for his house or the shop. He sent them to his family, too. They liked the updates, liked knowing he was enjoying himself. He couldn't really blame them for worrying sometimes.

  The sun was almost below the waterline now, just a fiery sliver of it left visible. What there was to be seen was reflected on the ocean’s surface. A mirror image. Elliot fished Chase’s phone from one of the backpacks they brought, and then tossed it over. Chase caught it no problem, his hand-eye coordination just as good as ever.

  He started snapping. He always loved the beach—he liked to joke that it and yoga were the loves of his life now that he didn't have football—but this was hands down his favorite time to be here. The water was at its darkest blue, each wave a shimmer flickering over the surface. The sound of the waves was steady, the birds quiet compared to during the day. Everything was bathed in a rainbow of colors that would soon fade to the moon’s white glow. It was undeniably peaceful.

  Phoenix fixed Chase’s plate for him, because he was a big softie at heart and his need to take care of everything near him was immense. This many years into their friendship, he knew exactly what Chase liked. If the looks he kept sending between Chase and Jaden were anything, Phoenix maybe knew a little too well.

  Between mouthfuls of pasta salad, Chase directed the conversation. He asked Phoenix about the shelter, about the cat he was way too tempted to adopt (Phoenix still had it and the feeling in Chase’s stomach was definitely not relief), and the orphaned brown bear cub Phoenix just took in. He discussed a new physical therapy method he’d read up on with Elliot, and he tried to convince Zane to teach water aerobics. He didn't give any of the men a chance to show their true colors—as nosy, meddlesome troublemakers. And because he knew his audience, it worked.

  Phoenix stole a chip from Chase’s plate during a rendition of his assistant, Gillian, feeding the bear cub—even though he could get more chips from the bag full of them—and popped it into his mouth, munching loudly with no manners. “He’s a sweet thing,” he said once he’d swallowed. “Keeps tripping over his own feet. He had me up every couple hours for feedings and I’m not even mad.” Chase rolled his eyes. Phoenix was never, ever, mad at any of his animals. “Gillian’s in love with him. She offered to sleep over to take care of the two and five a.m. feedings.”

  At this point, Zane started fake coughing while Chase choked on a noodle. “Moron,” Zane said amidst a cough. Chase couldn't talk—he was legit coughing—so he gave Zane a thumbs up to show his agreement.

  Phoenix paused, looking confused. “How am I a moron?”
>
  Elliot flicked a grape at Phoenix’s head. Phoenix caught it before it could reach his cheek. “She has a thing for you. Her offer of help is just an excuse,” said Elliot.

  “She could just be nice,” said Jaden, speaking for the first time since they sat down. He was breaking a tortilla chip into a bunch of tiny pieces, gaze on what he was doing with his hands as he talked.

  Phoenix pointed at him. “See. This guy knows what’s up. Gillian’s not like that. We’re friends.”

  “If you say so,” said Zane. “But I heard from a little birdy—”

  Phoenix covered his ears. “Lalalalala,” he sang. “I can’t hear you.”

  Chase wasn't watching Zane to see how he retaliated. He was looking at Jaden and the soft bemused smile quirking his lips. Because Chase was paying attention to him, he heard Jaden’s quiet laugh under the noise of his siblings.

  If Chase were a whimsical, romantic kind of guy, he’d say Jaden’s laugh sounded like a cat softly purring as it was scratched under its chin or a dog’s tail hitting everything in sight as it swung crazily with excitement at its favorite person being home. His version of heaven. Realistically, Chase knew it sounded like none of this. Not even close. It would be weird if it did. But the feeling of happiness that settled in his chest was the same. A flood of warmth and affection brought on all because of a sound.

  It was an oddly introspective moment for Chase, and he had to shake his head as he reminded himself he wasn't that kind of guy. He tuned into the conversation around him just in time to have Phoenix ask him, “Did Elliot tell you about how Jaden got trapped in the house by raccoons?”

  Jaden sighed, loudly and exaggeratedly, head tipped back so he stared at the sky now sprinkled with stars and not at them. His throat was a long, slender stretch that Chase found he’d very much like to get personal with. How would Jaden’s Adam’s apple feel under his lips? Would his pulse race if Chase kissed him near the hinge of his jaw? You’re doing it again. Focus. He forced his gaze away, glancing at Phoenix instead. Chase grinned. “I’ve not heard this story. Yet. But I’m all ears now.”