Bearly Hanging On (Miracle Book 3)

by Shea Balik

  Figuring it was a good time to interject, Kirill went to the kitchen doorway and said, “We would prefer a diner and maybe a grocery store.”

  All heads jerked in his direction as none of them had heard him coming. “Seriously,” Chadwick said. “You have got to show me how you do that.”

  Kirill flashed the annoying man his pearly white teeth. “Don’t hold your breath, pussy.” Considering everything he’d been through the past couple of days with Harper, it felt good to joke around. He hadn’t realized until then just how on edge he’d been.

  Chadwick scowled. “People really need to stop calling me that.”

  “Not when it’s so much fun to watch you squirm,” Nole joked before turning to Kirill. “Are you sure you want us to work on the town when you and your men are still camping?”

  Kirill nodded. “Let me ask the others, but yeah.” Although he knew from the constant complaints about having to eat out of cans and cooking over fires, no one would object. “We’re tired of having to drive nearly an hour away, never knowing who might see us just to get food. With no refrigerators or any other way to keep the food for more than a day or two, we’re stuck either eating out of cans or making that trek every couple of days.”

  Glad there was something to look forward to, Kirill got back to why he was there. “But I’m actually here for another reason. Harper reinjured his hand and I was hoping Nole would agree to look at it.” Even though Kirill was speaking to Nole, he was looking at Edrick, since it would his decision if his mate was allowed anywhere near Harper.

  “Of course,” Nole said as he pushed his chair back and got up from the table, not caring whether his mate agreed or not. “Just let me get my bag.”

  Nole hadn’t even taken a step from the table before Edrick was out of his chair and following his mate. Nole rolled his eyes at the move. “You do know that I’m mated to you and I would never cheat, right?”

  The frown that had been on Edrick’s face the moment Harper’s name had been mentioned turned into a scowl. “You know I do. That doesn’t mean I trust Harper not to try something.”

  After everything Harper had been through, that statement pissed Kirill off. Alpha or no, Kirill wasn’t about to let Edrick get away with talking about Harper like that. Getting in Edrick’s face, he warned, “Don’t talk about Harper that way or this pack will need to find a new Alpha.”.

  He could feel everyone looking at him like he’d just lost his damn mind. In some ways that was true. Dealing with a mate who wanted nothing to do with him was taxing. It wouldn’t take much to cause Kirill to go on a rampage with how frustrated he was.

  Then Nole did the one thing Kirill had never expected. He came over and gave Kirill a hug. “I promise it will get better.”

  Edrick snarled and yanked his mate from Kirill’s embrace. “Don’t touch my mate,” he warned.

  Kirill just smirked at the man. It was Nole who had hugged him, not the other way around and Edrick knew it. Kirill didn’t see any reason to rub salt in that wound.

  “Gods save us from mates,” Nole muttered as he stormed out of the kitchen.

  It was too much. Kirill tilted his head back and laughed. “If you need a tent tonight, I’m sure I can find one for you,” he told the alpha, slapping Edrick on the shoulder. “Not that you deserve my help.”

  Edrick scowled at Kirill. “I won’t need a tent.”

  “Don’t count on it, buddy,” Nole said as he walked past the kitchen on the way to the front door. “I’m going to check on Harper. Don’t follow me if you know what’s good for you.”

  For a full minute, Edrick stood there staring after his mate before he grinned like a loon. “Damn, but I love that man.” Then, against Nole’s warning, Edrick followed him and Kirill followed right behind.

  He just hoped one day he and Harper would be able to say, “I love you,” but he feared that day would never come.

  CHAPTER 7

  Harper ignored the soft knock on the door. He felt guilty enough for yelling at Kirill, who had only been trying to help him. He didn’t want to do it again, which he most likely would if faced with his mate. A mate he didn’t want.

  So why did his heart ache to be held by the man?

  The knock sounded again. Harper stared at the door, wishing he had the courage to answer it. But he didn’t.

  It sucked.

  He’d always hoped one day to find his mate. Of course, if he had, they would have had to run far from his colony for Abdiel, as their father before him, not only abhorred gays but didn’t allow any mates to remain together. Something about mates being more important than the colony as a whole or some such shit. It was a made-up reason to keep the citizens of the colony under his father and Abdiel’s thumbs.

  Yet, now that he’d found his mate, Harper was too afraid to allow Kirill anywhere near him, even though every cell in his body yearned for his touch. It left Harper confused, horny, and terrified all at the same time. No wonder he couldn’t have a civil conversation with his mate. How could he, when he didn’t know his own mind?

  The knock came again.

  At least Kirill respected him enough to give him his space, most of the time. If Harper was somewhere other than this room with the door shut, all bets were off. But here, in this room, was Harper’s sanctuary. The one place he could be by himself.

  His head snapped up to stare in horror at the door when he heard the knob jiggle. Harper’s gaze fell to the lock only to realize he hadn’t locked it, something he always did. How could he have been so careless?

  Panic bubbled up from deep within his body, clawing its way up his throat as the door opened. Sweat popped out all over his body and his heart raced a mile a minute. This couldn’t be happening, not again.

  Rapid, shallow breaths had him panting like an animal as he waited for a fate worse than death. Harper refused to allow anyone to touch him ever again. If whoever was coming through that door thought he’d just lie there and take it, they had another thing coming.

  “Harper,” a voice shouted, but he ignored it as he scrambled off the bed and raced to the adjoining bathroom. His foot had just left the carpet and hit the tile when an arm snaked around his waist, dragging him back into the bedroom.

  “Harper.”

  But he didn’t hear his name, Harper just started fighting for all he was worth. Satisfaction bloomed within him when his fist hit flesh, causing whoever was holding him to grunt in pain.

  Embolden, Harper kicked, connecting solidly with his captor’s leg. “I won’t let you touch me,” he screamed out as he once more threw a punch. It wasn’t as effective, but he still managed to hit the guy.

  Frustrated that he wasn’t able to get free, he cried out, “I will die first.”

  “I’ll never let that happen, my petal.” The deep timbre of whoever held him caused Harper to still for a moment.

  There was some memory trying to surface about that voice and the endearment but Harper was too lost in hell to remember.

  A snort was followed by a harsh laugh. “Petal? More like hellcat.”

  Just as fast as he’d stopped fighting, Harper renewed his attack on his captor. Now that he knew there were more than one, he had little doubt what his fate would be, but Harper was determined this time he’d die first.

  A cry fell from his lips when his hands were held in one mammoth one. Unable to hit, Harper kicked out with more strength than he knew he had.

  “Gods damn it, Nole, isn’t that shot ready yet?” the deep voice yelled.

  Harper had no idea what they were talking about, nor did he care. All he knew was he had to keep fighting.

  “Done,” a third voice called out.

  Three of them?

  More determined than ever, Harper wiggled and squirmed to get free so he could cause as much damage as possible. “No,” he screamed when he was suddenly lying on the bed with a huge weight on top of him. His throat was raw from his screams but Harper didn’t care, he kept screaming, praying someone would rescue him
from what was about to happen.

  “Shhh, my petal. I’ve got you.” Something inside of Harper wanted to listen to that voice, but he knew what would happen if he stopped fighting. “When is the drug supposed to start working, Nole?”

  Huh?

  “Any minute,” one of the three voices he’d heard so far, said.

  They drugged him. Oh, Gods. How was he supposed to fight if they drugged him?

  Already he could feel the lethargy sapping his strength. A whimper escaped when he could no longer yell. A tear seeped from his eye. It wasn’t fair.

  “That’s it, my petal. You’re safe. I’ll protect you.” Kirill.

  When had Kirill gotten there? Harper didn’t know and at that moment wasn’t sure if he cared. All he knew was that he was safe. He couldn’t explain why he felt that way when he knew better than to trust anyone, but as he floated on a drug-induced cloud, he knew Kirill wouldn’t let anyone touch him, ever again.

  CHAPTER 8

  “You what?” Harper was sure he’d heard wrong. It had to be some sort of joke. A sick feeling in the pit of his stomach had Harper dreading the words that were about to come out of Kirill’s mouth. His mate’s unease told a truth no words could have done better.

  “You were out of control, lost in fear. There was no other choice but to sedate you.” The words were the same, but try as he might Harper just couldn’t understand how Kirill could be saying them.

  Harper stood in the corner of the room with his arms wrapped around his midsection, adrift in a world he just no longer understood. Then again, had he ever really? Between his father’s harsh treatment of him and Abdiel, to the edicts of their kind to not mate with the same sex even if their mate was, to the colony insisting no one be with their mate – ever, to his own brother turning Harper over to his guards to be raped for the past five years, life had been very difficult for Harper to navigate.

  “We didn’t have a choice,” Nole said. “You would have hurt yourself if we didn’t find a way to calm you down.”

  Not sure how to reconcile being betrayed by his mate, Harper turned all his rage on Nole. “Get out of my room. I said I never wanted to see you again.”

  Nole blinked at him but then nodded. “Okay. I’m not sure why you’re mad at me, but after what you’ve been through, I will honor your wishes. Just try not to hurt yourself again so you won’t need to see me.”

  There was a twinge of something when he watched Nole and his mate, Edrick, leave the room. He wasn’t sure where it came from when it had been Nole’s fault Abdiel had caught them together. If that hadn’t of happened, if Nole hadn’t of run, leaving Harper to take the blame, Harper wouldn’t have been handed to the guards to be raped for the past five years.

  “Blaming him for what happened isn’t going to help,” Jari said from the safety of his mate, Lucca’s, arms.

  Jealous that his brother’s whore got to be happy with his mate when Harper cringed each time Kirill got too close, he lashed out. “What do you know? You chased after my brother like a pathetic puppy, happy with whatever scraps he gave you. Not even the fact that he was fucking half of the colony stopped you from begging for his cock.”

  Lucca growled and started to step toward Harper, but Jari put a hand on his chest, stopping him. Jari looked up into his mate’s eyes for a moment then turned to stare at Harper. “Say what you will, but it doesn’t change that you were held against your will and beaten.”

  Jari left the safety of his mate’s arms to step right up to Harper until they were toe to toe. “And it doesn’t change the fact that your brother, the one person who should have protected you, gave you to his guards to rape, over and over again.”

  Raw, searing pain swamped Harper. He couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t survive. Sinking to his knees, Harper struggled to find air, precious, life-giving oxygen to take in and fill his lungs, but try as he might, he just couldn’t get his body to work.

  “None of what you’re feeling will get better if you don’t find a way to deal with it.” Jari knelt next to him, forcing Harper to look right into his eyes. “Ignoring it is what has you collapsing to the floor, sweating, struggling to breathe with your heart racing a mile a minute, wondering how you’re supposed to live after what they did to you, all the while trying to come up with a plan to die so you wouldn’t have to feel their hands on you another moment.”

  The world stopped.

  Harper looked at Jari – really looked at him. How could he know? Was he just guessing or had he…

  “To answer the question I can see in your eyes,” the sadness in Jari’s eyes said all Harper needed to know, the truth. “Yes, I may have started out naïve enough to believe the lies Abdiel told me, but when I wised up and tried to leave him, he forced me to stay with threats.”

  Jari reached out to take Harper’s good hand and give it a squeeze. “I won’t pretend to understand what you went through, and I’m sorry I never knew, or I promise you I would have tried to help, but in the end, Abdiel didn’t care if I was consenting or not. He just took. That I was stupid enough not to see that side of him in the beginning, is on me, but what he did...” Jari’s gaze hardened. “That’s on him.”

  Harper snorted on that ridiculous statement. “So the fuck what? Like you said, it still happened. Who’s at fault isn’t going to change that.”

  Nothing would.

  “No, it doesn’t,” Jari admitted. Then he let go of Harper’s hand and stood back up. “But it does put the blame where it belongs and not on those who only want to help.”

  The pity Harper could see in Jari’s eyes killed him. He didn’t need anyone feeling sorry for him. He wasn’t sure what was worse, the way the guards used to eye him like a whore or how everyone else seemed to feel sorry for him.

  All Harper wanted was to be left alone.

  His gaze went to Kirill, who instead of pity, had a mix of rage and sadness so profound it was Harper who felt the urge to wrap the much bigger man up in a hug. Not sure how he was supposed to handle the emotions welling up inside of him, Harper stuffed them as deep inside as he could.

  He might wish with all his heart he could love his mate, but after everything that had happened Harper knew that was nothing more than a dream, one that would never come true.

  Grief for what could have been welled up inside of him, threatening to explode out of him. Desperate to be alone where he could fall apart without so many eyes watching him, Harper said, “Get out.”

  His breathing became erratic as Harper struggled to keep whatever measure of sanity he had left intact. It wasn’t easy, especially when no one moved to leave.

  Then strong arms that Harper was starting to crave were around him, holding him, comforting him. But he didn’t want that comfort. All Harper wanted was to fall apart in peace.

  Pushing away from the only person he’d been able to tolerate touching him in years, Harper screamed, “I said leave.”

  Kirill’s entire body seemed to sag in defeat, his pretty blue eyes crushed as he stood there with his arms still partially stretched in his direction as if it killed the man to have to let Harper go. “But…” Kirill started but didn’t finish.

  “Whether you want to accept it or not,” Jari said. “You need your mate. You should let him hold you. I promise you, it will make things a little more tolerable.”

  Harper watched as Jari gravitated to Lucca as if proving a mate can soothe any turbulent emotions. But all Harper could see was what he would never have. A part of him wanted it, yearned for it even, but whenever he thought of being touched, by anyone, his skin crawled as if a thousand ants were eating him alive.

  The panic he’d been trying to control set in. “I will never mate anyone,” he screamed. He couldn’t, wouldn’t.

  “But you’ve already started the mating. Not finishing it will be nearly impossible,” Jari said with his eyes wide with concern. “It’s why you keep telling Kirill to leave yet can’t help inching closer to him.”

  Horror filled
him as he realized Jari was right, Harper had been getting closer to his mate. But as he scrambled to the far wall, the rest of Jari’s words hit him. “What do you mean we started the mating?” He was sure he would know if he’d done anything that would have started that process.

  “I…uh…when you were…” Kirill’s face was flushed as he stumbled over his words. “I mean…”

  Blue eyes pleaded with him, but for the life of Harper, he didn’t have any idea why, although the sinking sensation in his stomach said he wasn’t going to like what Kirill had to say. “You were hurt, badly.”

  He stood there, waiting, praying Kirill wasn’t going to destroy that small part of Harper that had been valiantly trying to believe one day he might just claw his way out of this life of despair.

  “We were afraid you were going to die, so I exchanged blood with you,” Kirill finally blurted out.

  What he said after that, Harper couldn’t say, for his whole world came crashing down around him. Until that moment, Harper would have sworn there had been no hope for the future inside of him, but now he knew the truth. Against his better judgment, he had started longing to find a way to have a life with his mate.

  To discover that love he’d been witnessing with Jari and Lucca and Nole and Edrick. To not be afraid every second of every day. To learn what it meant to trust another person.

  Now, in just a few words, all that had been destroyed. Like a bug, it had been stomped on without thought or concern for what he wanted. Kirill may have acted to save Harper’s life, but it wasn’t because it was what Harper wanted, it had been out of a selfish need to not lose his mate.

  His own mate had done exactly what Abdiel and the other guards had done. They had taken all choice from Harper. Once more, Harper had no say in his own life. How was he supposed to trust someone who didn’t even care enough to ask Harper what he wanted?

  How could he come to love someone that only thought of himself?

  He couldn’t.