Bearly Hanging On (Miracle Book 3)

by Shea Balik

Ice formed in his veins as he looked up into his mate’s gaze. Blue eyes that he had started to look forward to seeing each day, now repulsed him. “You are supposed to be my mate. Put my needs and wants above your own, not do what you wanted without care of my feelings.”

  He refused to care when guilt and remorse were etched into Kirill’s expression. “You are no better than Abdiel. Get out. I never want to see you again.”

  He didn’t yell. Didn’t scream. He was too distraught for that much emotion. All he wanted was to get as far from Kirill and these men who thought it was okay to take someone’s free will from them. “I will be leaving in the morning unless you plan to keep me prisoner.”

  Kirill opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Instead, he gave Harper a nod then strode to the door. It was there, with his hand on the knob and the door partway open that he finally spoke, although he kept his back to Harper. “I’m so sorry, my petal.”

  Then he was gone.

  There should have been relief, satisfaction, or at least some measure of peace watching him leave. So why was there only grief?

  CHAPTER 9

  “Are you okay?”

  Kirill looked up from where he sat on the floor outside of Harper’s room to find Iniko and Jari both standing there looking down at him. “No.” He knew it wasn’t what he was supposed to say, but Kirill couldn’t lie.

  Jari nodded.

  Iniko slid down the wall to sit next to Kirill. “You know he needs you more than ever, right?”

  Kirill wasn’t so sure about that. As much as he hated to admit it, Harper had been right. Kirill hadn’t acted in Harper’s best interest. All he’d cared about was keeping his mate alive, whether Harper had wanted it or not.

  “He wasn’t wrong in there.” A tear Kirill had been holding back fell. “My only thought had been that I couldn’t allow my mate to die. Not because of him, but because I didn’t want to live in a world where my mate didn’t exist.”

  Oh Gods, he really was a selfish prick. That was the one thought Kirill hadn’t been able to let go when Harper accused him of being just like Abdiel. “His brother forced him into a life he hadn’t wanted. How can he ever forgive me after what he’s been through?”

  Tears now streamed down Kirill’s face as he blamed himself for causing his mate more emotional harm. The thing was, as bad as he felt about it, he wasn’t sure he could have made any other decision at the time. Harper might have died. No matter how much his mate had wanted to die, Kirill didn’t think he would have been able to allow that to happen.

  Who was he kidding?

  There was no way, then or now, he’d have just let Harper die without fighting tooth and nail to save him. Did that make him a bad person? One not worthy of his mate’s love?

  Jari reached over and covered Kirill’s much larger hand with his small one as he sat on the floor. “Believe it or not one day, Harper will forgive you, even thank you for what you did. He’s just lost right now in his memories.”

  Kirill wasn’t so sure about that. “How can he ever get over–” A sob that he’d been holding back finally broke. Curling his free hand into a fist, Kirill wished Abdiel were alive just so he could tear the son of a bitch apart.

  “Do you know he never once just gave in?” Iniko said. “He used to tell me that he might not be strong enough to stop what was happening, but he’d be damned if he’d just bend over and let them fuck him.”

  There was so much sorrow in Iniko’s eyes as he looked at Kirill. “I had tried, once, to stop what was happening, but Abdiel had no compunction putting my niece in the hospital for my interference. Never again did I fight.” Then he pointed to Harper’s closed door. “But that man never stopped fighting, so don’t you dare give up on him.”

  “I don’t know if he’s ever going to get over what happened.” Jari’s voice was husky with emotion. “It’s more a matter of living with it. Of not letting his past control his present and destroy his future.”

  Kirill turned his head toward Jari to find there were tears running down the smaller man’s face. “Oh, Jari. I’m sorry. This can’t be easy for you either.”

  Jari may not have been through what Harper had, but he’d still been forced to be Abdiel’s lover for years. And more recently been kidnapped by Abdiel and tortured. Jari had barely survived the experience. “I really am a selfish asshole,” Kirill whispered.

  “No, you’re not,” Jari insisted, the hand holding Kirill’s squeezed him in reassurance. “Yes, this is hard, but at the same time, it helps to talk about it.” Jari’s lips turned up in a half-smile. “And helping someone else puts my own stuff in perspective, you know?”

  Kirill had no clue. “How? I would think it would just bring up all those old memories and feelings.”

  It did for Harper. Not that he talked about what had occurred, but there were enough times when something would trigger a memory that set Harper off. The look on his mate’s face, the fear, the terror, the anguish, all served to ensure Kirill did everything in his power to never do anything to cause that reaction again.

  If that meant tying Kirill in knots as he second guessed every word he uttered, every movement he made, so be it. After all, it was a small price to pay when his mate had suffered so much more.

  “It does.” There was a waiver in Jari’s voice that told he was more affected that he was letting on. “But talking about it dispels some of the power those memories have over me.” Brown hair shook from side to side as if Jari were forcing some of those morose thoughts from his head. “It’s as if each time I talk about it, the hold Abdiel had on me lessens, allowing me to breathe just a little bit easier.”

  A small flame of hope flared in Kirill’s chest. He turned his head to stare at the closed door that led to Harper’s room. “What if he won’t talk about it?”

  Jari gave a heavy sigh. “Then I fear what Abdiel and those guards did to him will hold him in their grip and never let him go.”

  Just like that, that flame of optimism that valiantly tried to ignite was extinguished under the onslaught of despair.

  But that wasn’t Kirill’s way. Not even when he’d buried his sister had Kirill given up. He’d pushed on and made his own way in this world. When he’d discovered gay shifters were hunted and killed, he’d done everything in his power to save as many of them as he could.

  Iniko huffed and rolled his eyes. “If Harper won’t talk about it, make him. Believe it or not he doesn’t hate you.” Thoughtful brown eyes turned to the closed door as he said, “If I were a betting man, I would say he is falling for you. That scares the shit out of him and has him running scared.”

  Iniko was right, his mate needed to find a way to deal with his past, to live with the atrocities done to him. Kirill knew there was only one option for him. Help Harper cope. It wouldn’t be easy, but then again, when had life ever been anything but difficult, impossible even?

  “Can you stay here and watch over Harper for a little while?” Kirill asked Jari and Iniko as an idea formed. “I have to run a couple of errands.”

  Jari shrugged. “Sure.”

  Getting up, Kirill smiled down at them, “Thanks, for everything. I promise I won’t be long.” He just needed to make plans in case Harper went through on his promise to leave the next day. If his mate thought Kirill was just going to let him walk out of his life, he had better think again.

  Was he taking away Harper’s choice again? Maybe. But they were mates. Fate put them together, creating each of them for the other. Choice wasn’t exactly a factor. That didn’t mean Kirill wouldn’t give Harper his space, but he also wasn’t about to let his mate abandon the future they were meant to have.

  CHAPTER 10

  It had taken three days for Harper to realize the mistake he’d made in walking away from the safety of Miracle and his mate. If he hadn’t been running on pure anger for the first two days, he probably would have come to that conclusion earlier.

  For his whole life, Harper had lived in Mauston, never leaving the safety
of the colony or his family’s home. Never even taking a vacation that would take him away from the only place he knew.

  Hell, the first time he’d been outside the town’s limits was when Kirill had carried him unconscious to Miracle. He knew nothing about how the world worked outside the familiarity of his colony.

  On top of that, he had to camp out since he hadn’t had any access to money. Kirill had offered him a vehicle but Harper’s stupid pride forced him to turn his mate down.

  Harper rubbed his aching feet near the fire, cursing himself for being such an idiot. It felt like he’d walked at least a thousand miles when he’d made it maybe twelve miles, if he was lucky. He knew he was being optimistic in how far he’d traveled. He was only five-four. Short legs and traveling great distances on foot didn’t go hand in hand.

  Then there was the fact that he didn’t generally exercise as his brother and the guards had kept him locked up for the past five years. When he’d first started on this trip, Harper could still see Miracle when he’d needed to take a break. Except he hadn’t just wanted a break, he’d wanted to stop for the day.

  In order to not appear so weak in front of the whole town, especially his mate, who hadn’t even bothered to be there when Harper had left, he’d kept going. But he’d paid for it that night when he’d taken off the boots someone had graciously provided for him. Two blisters, one on his right heel and one on the side of left foot near his big toe, had throbbed, letting him know exactly how big of a mistake he’d made.

  But did he listen to those indicators that he should turn around? Nope. Not only didn’t he listen, the next morning he’d put those stupid boots back on and kept walking. His indignation at his mate taking away all choice in their mating out of his hands, fueled him to continue even though his body had been ready to give up.

  When he’d stopped last night, those blisters that had given him grief all day, had blisters of their own. Sleep had been impossible between his feet feeling as if they were on fire, especially when his blanket touched them, and the raw cold of the night.

  Having grown up much further south, Harper hadn’t been prepared for it to be so cold this early into fall. Not having any clue how to light a fire without matches, which he didn’t have, all Harper could do was curl up in his blanket and pray for the sun to rise so he could get warm again.

  That morning, when he’d given up the pretense of sleep, Harper had struggled to put his boots back on over his now swollen feet. It had killed him but he’d finally managed to shove them on. As much pain as that caused him, it was nothing compared to standing.

  Harper had thought he might pass out from the sheer agony that one act created. Nausea had burned a path from his stomach, up his throat, to his mouth. Not having anything in his stomach, he hadn’t thrown up, but it had been a close call, one he’d been fighting all day as his blisters continued to remind him of the mistake he’d made with each step he took.

  Only the determination to find matches so he wouldn’t have to freeze to death kept him going. He hadn’t found them. Hell, he hadn’t even found another building in the three days he’d been walking. But when he’d looked through the pack Edrick had given him for his trip, Harper nearly wept at seeing not only a pack of matches but a lighter.

  How he had missed them the first two days, he wasn’t sure nor did it matter. He was just glad he hadn’t had to try and survive another night without some warmth, for the day had been a cold one with the night promising to get even colder. Without the fire, Harper was pretty sure he would freeze to death.

  He should have been happy for that end, yet for some reason, that thought caused him anxiety. He just wished he knew why. For years, Harper had prayed for death, had even tried to end his own life several times. But each time, Abdiel or one of the guards had found him in time to save him.

  With each attempt, more of his things were taken from him, until Harper was only left with a thin pad on the floor and a thin blanket that ripped too easily to hold his weight for him to hang himself. By the end, he wasn’t even allowed plastic utensils to eat with. He was only allowed soup or finger foods.

  So why, after praying for death for all these years, did he bother building a fire instead of letting the elements end his miserable existence?

  An image of Kirill flashed in his mind.

  Harper shook his head, forcing the image out of his head. Kirill was no better than Abdiel. Harper needed to remember that or he was going to end up doing something stupid, like falling for his mate.

  Leaves rustled, a twig snapped and an animal howled too close for Harper’s comfort. Great. His first time going out on his own and he was about to be eaten by some wild animal. Maybe his father had been right. Harper was too weak to amount to anything.

  His head whipped to the right when another twig snapped, this time much closer. Slowly, as he was afraid to make any sudden movements, Harper reached for a branch that he’d piled nearby for the fire and put one end into the flames.

  It took several long moments but eventually, the wood caught. Just as his hand closed over the thick branch, another twig snapped, this one behind him.

  Peering into the darkness that surrounded him, Harper tried to see what was approaching, but he just couldn’t see well enough to make out any shapes but the trees nearby.

  His heart stopped when he heard a growl, deep and menacing, approach from his right. There was little doubt Harper was certifiably fucked. With one animal, he might have a chance, not a good one, but still, a chance. Three? He’d have a better chance sprouting wings and flying out of there.

  Harper was used to praying for a way out, but usually, it involved death. He was surprised to find, this time, he didn’t ask for that. Instead, he actually found himself praying he made it out alive. But, like every other thing in his life, Harper rarely got what he wished for.

  Yellow eyes peered out of the trees as the animal in front of him came closer. Harper couldn’t help but shake in fear. As much as he didn’t want to take his eyes off the animal, he needed to know if there was something behind him.

  Turning so his back was to the fire, he could more easily see in the direction of the three noises he’d heard. Just as he’d feared, just coming out of the trees directly opposite the yellow eyes that promised pain and death, were another set of eyes.

  This time he wasn’t paying as much attention to their color for he now could see the various shades of brown as a very large wolf broke through the trees and into the small clearing where Harper set up camp.

  Dread filled him as he turned back to the first pair of eyes he’d seen to find an equally large wolf staring at him like he would make a nice snack. This just couldn’t get any worse.

  Just as the thought had entered his mind, a growl rumbled around them. The warning was clear in the menacing sound.

  It was as if the Gods themselves were laughing at him for his idiotic thought. What had he been thinking tempting fate by thinking things couldn’t get worse? Hadn’t life taught him that important lesson? It could always get worse.

  With the large branch in his hand, Harper held it out to the wolf on his right. The blaze on the end danced as his arm shook in fear. “Go away. I’m not big enough to be a meal.”

  The wolf bared his teeth, saliva dripping from its mouth. He clearly wasn’t buying Harper’s story. If anything, he seemed even more inclined to find out if Harper was right. Crouching low, the wolf appeared ready to attack when another growl shook the ground around them.

  Harper had lived in fear for five years, yet in all that time, he couldn’t ever remember being quite so terrified. Maybe it had to do with the fact he no longer wished to die, but all he knew was a creature was coming that had both wolves changing their stance from ready to attack, to cowering.

  Their tails were tucked between their legs, ears lowered and bodies crouched as if preparing to flee. If whatever was coming made two wolves that scared, what chance did Harper have?

  His mind went to thoughts of Kirill. N
ow that he was facing certain death, Harper wasn’t positive why he’d left his mate. Sure, he was upset his mate hadn’t taken what Harper wanted into account when making such an important decision, but could he really blame the man? They were mates. Watching one’s mate die would have been impossible for most shifters.

  Comparing saving Harper’s life to what Abdiel and those guards had done hadn’t been fair.

  Harper barked out a laugh. He couldn’t help it. It was funny how, when faced with certain death, things became much clearer. Too bad he hadn’t had the clarity before he’d practically run from Miracle with no plan, no weapon, and no idea how to survive on his own.

  Branches parted and Harper got his first look at the animal headed his way. The prettiest blue eyes peered right at him. At first, Harper felt himself relaxing as he stared into, what he would swear was, a reassuring gaze. But then he saw the snow-white body of an enormous polar bear step into the clearing.

  Yep. Harper was going to die. Fortunately, he wouldn’t feel a thing as his brain, too stunned at what it was seeing, shut off and he passed out.

  CHAPTER 11

  Kirill sighed when he saw Harper crumple to the ground after seeing him. Sure, he was big. At seven feet in height when on all fours and thirteen feet on his hind legs, there was no denying Kirill was huge. Add to that his razor-sharp teeth, which he currently had bared to warn the wolves away from his mate, and Kirill most likely looked fearsome.

  That said, Harper should have known he had nothing to fear. Kirill was his mate. He would never hurt the small mouse shifter.

  The wolves, who moments ago appeared ready to piss themselves, saw an opening when Harper fainted in a heap. Both took the opportunity and leaped toward Harper.

  Letting out a roar that shook the very earth beneath them, Kirill sprang into action and snatched both wolves right out of the air, tossing them as far from his mate as he could throw them. Yips of pain greeted his ears as they landed on the ground with a hard thump.