Choices

by Sydney Lane

  When he sees me, his whole face lights up. He quickly walks to me and wraps me in a big hug. “I’m so glad you’re back. The house was getting lonely.”

  “So the real story comes out. You’re just using me because you’re bored!” It’s just so easy to joke and laugh with him. I don’t understand why things can’t be this easy with Brody.

  We have the same dilemma here that we had in his room. The bed is the only comfy place to sit. But this bed is much smaller than his. He takes off his shoes and sits against my headboard, waiting for me to put in the movie he brought. He knows me well. The Hangover 2.

  I climb on the bed and sit next to him. For the first time ever, I am uncomfortable being this close to him. I know I need to tell him something, to be honest with him. But I can’t imagine hurting this sweet, sweet man. He has become my friend, the only person, besides Jenna, that I can really talk to. I don’t want to lose that. I don’t even know where things are going with Brody, so I don’t say anything at all. And when he reaches for my hand, I let him hold it.

  When the movies ends, I immediately jump up and get his movie out of the blueray player. I take my time putting it in its case and smoothing my clothes down. Sitting on the bed is out of the question.

  “Quincy, is something wrong? You’ve been a little quiet tonight.” He is always so perceptive. Looking into his bottomless brown eyes, I know he would never forgive me if he knew what I did.

  “Not really. I’m just tired, and I’ve got to work tomorrow.” And I think I just messed everything up.

  Sitting up on the side of the bed, he stands and walks toward me. I have to force myself to stand still. But when he gently pulls me into a hug and rubs my back, I hold on tight. Why does he have to be so perfect?

  “Well, why don’t I get out of here and let you get some sleep? You look beat.” He steps away and opens the door. I walk him out, as usual, but when he leans in to kiss me, I turn my head just in time for the kiss to land on my cheek. He looks surprised, but he doesn’t mention it.

  “Dec, thanks for coming over tonight. I just didn’t want to be alone, and I missed our calls.” I try to smile, but guilt is eating at me from the inside out.

  “My pleasure. I figured I would just have to listen to Brody and his latest hook-up all night anyway. Not to mention, being with you is better than just about anything else.” His words hit me like a punch in the stomach.

  I give him one final hug, and I hold on like I never want to let go. I know, without a doubt, that I do not deserve this man. “I guess I’ll see you in class Wednesday.”

  He reluctantly lets go and pulls back from me. “Sure. I’ll call before then.” He walks away and tosses, “Night, Quincy!” over his shoulder.

  I can’t even speak. As soon as I walk back into the building, I double over in pain. Leaning back against the wall, tears flow freely down my face. I feel like I need to throw up. Quincy, you are so stupid! What the hell have you done?”

  Chapter 28

  When I wake up, the silence is deafening. My throat is sore, and my eyes are swollen from crying myself to sleep. Deciding that I need some fresh air, I get dressed and put on my running shoes. A quick run and breakfast may actually make me feel human again.

  Running is a stress reliever for me. Back home, there are some great parks with trails where I run. It’s always been an escape for me. When Katie has her meltdowns, it’s so easy to grab my iPod, put on my headphones, and run as far away as I can get. But today, it isn’t as effective. Because, today, I am running from myself.

  After I eat, I decide to walk back to the dorm. I don’t have to be anywhere until this evening when I work. Rounding the corner, I see someone sitting on the steps of Baxter Hall. As I get closer, I realize it is Katie. What is she doing here?

  I walk to the steps and sit beside her. “Whatcha doing, Katie?” I’m trying to gauge her mood, but she isn’t giving anything away. “I was just out running.”

  She rolls her tongue around her mouth a few times, eyes darting in every direction, and says, “I need to borrow some money. Mom and Dad wouldn’t help me out, but I’m in trouble.” She just laid all of her cards on the table. It doesn’t take much to figure out she’s on something. Her arms are mottled with needle tracks and bruises. My neck prickles with apprehension. When she is manic and on drugs, she can easily become paranoid or violent. And we’re pretty much alone here.

  “Katie, you know I don’t have any money or else I’d give it to you.” I am aware that if I give her money it’s as good as putting a needle in her arm myself.

  “Get real, Quince. I know you’ve got it. You have a job, and Mommy and Daddy help you out all of the time. So don’t lie to me.” I sense that she is ready to crack, but I have no idea what to do. “I owe somebody, and he’s going to come after me if you don’t help me out. He might kill me!” Her eyes are wide, as she gets lost in her mind. But I’ve heard this story too many times. No one is after her but herself.

  “Katie, how did you get here?” I try to change the subject, but I already know that this is not going to end well.

  “Does it matter? Come on, Quince. Go get me some money.” She quickly stands, leering down at me. I jump up and move up the steps.

  “OK, Katie. Just stay out here, and I’ll go get it. How much do you need?” Moving toward the door, I try to pacify her.

  “Anything. Just give me what you have.” She calms down the minute she thinks I’m going to give her money. I back toward the door because I’m afraid to turn my back on her. I don’t know how far she will go, and I don’t want to find out.

  I scan my ID to get access to the building. When I open the door and go inside, she tries to grab the door before it closes. I turn and pull it closed as hard as I can. She is bigger than me and much stronger, but this door is my shield. I manage to pull it until I hear it click into place.

  “You little bitch! You don’t give a fuck about me. You’re the golden child, and they’ve always loved you more. Someday, I’m going to kill myself, and I’m going to haunt you every day for the rest of your life!” She is still yelling and beating on the door as I sprint up the stairs. Thank God there is no one here to see this.

  When I get into my room, I go to the window to see if she is still there. A car pulls up to the curb, and she gets in. Probably one of her drug addict friends. Katie is sick, and she uses drugs to self medicate. When she is down, she is fine. But when she is up, she will snort, inject, and swallow anything she can get her hands on. Her friends just use her when they can. She is easily manipulated, but when the money runs out, they disappear. She will never learn.

  I grab my phone and call home. Dad answers the phone, and I am relieved. I can’t talk to Mom right now. “Dad, Katie was just here. She was high on something and wanted money.”

  “I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t even think she’d know where to find you. She’s been gone for a few days, but Mom didn’t want to tell you. She doesn’t want you to worry so much.” This is why Dad is my ally. He knows I need to hear the truth. Not knowing could get me hurt.

  “Dad, when is Mom going to stop covering for her?” She doesn’t realize what she’s doing, but protecting her is hurting her. She enables her to be this way.

  “Quincy, she’s her daughter. She won’t ever stop believing that Katie will get better. She says there is always hope.” He’s heard it as many times as I have.

  “But you know, Dad. You know she’s never going to change. She has to want to change, and she doesn’t.” She has never wanted help, and in fact, she resents anyone who tries.

  “I do know, but your Mom has to see it for herself.” He always tries to be the peacemaker. “I’m going to call the police and see if they can bring her home. Please don’t talk to your mother about this. You know how it will upset her.”

  “I won’t. Bye, Dad. I love you.”

  “Love you, too.” I finger the charm on my bracelet and ponder the reality of my life. I was afraid of Katie only minutes ago, but
I will worry about her safety forever.

  Chapter 29

  When I walk into Player’s, I stop dead in my tracks. Brody is playing pool with several of the guys. Dressed in ripped jeans and a black t-shirt, he looks dangerous. I take a deep breath and try to move, but my feet are firmly planted on the ground.

  “Girl, I don’t know what you’ve done, but I know your car stayed here all weekend.” Shit, shit, shit! I forgot I would have to answer to Alex. “And that look on your face doesn’t do anything to reassure me.” She is the only person who knows I left with Brody. And I need to keep it that way.

  “Nothing, Alex. I’ve done nothing. Can you just forget what you think you saw?” There is nothing worse than making a fool of yourself, except having a witness when you do it.

  “Whatever you say. But you ain’t fooling me, Quincy Priest.” She shrugs her shoulders and rolls her eyes. She’s letting me off the hook. And in that moment, I realize how much I like her. Jenna’s not my only friend here.

  I’ve been neglecting my tables, so I take one last look at Brody. He is leaning back against the wall. His arms are crossed over his chest, and a small blonde is looking up at him as he smiles down at her. I tear my eyes away from them and force myself to walk away.

  The next time I risk a glance in that direction, I’m relieved to see that the blonde is nowhere in sight. Brody is leaning over the pool table, his shirt riding up on his back. He’s lining up his shot when his eyes meet mine. I am mesmerized. He blinks and turns his attention back to the game.

  Although I’m distracted by his presence, I avoid looking his way. But I can feel his eyes on me all night. I want to be angry with him. Instead, I visualize his lips on mine and his hands on my body. He was gentle, even loving. And although it probably didn’t mean anything to him, he took me somewhere beautiful. A secret place where only the two of us existed and no one had to be perfect.

  I am so distracted when I walk into the employee dressing room that I don’t realize Brody is behind me. As soon as the door closes, he grabs my arm and spins me around. Before I can react, his mouth is on mine. All of my doubts are washed away. When he touches me like this, nothing else matters. His tongue enters my mouth, and I taste the very essence of him. It’s as if he is breathing life into me.

  He unexpectedly pushes me away, and I stumble backwards. “Fuck! You’re driving me crazy! I’m trying to do this the right way, and everything just goes to hell when I see you. All fucking night, I couldn’t think of anything but the way you felt underneath me” He takes a deep breath, trying to gain some control. “But it feels wrong, Quince. You know why? It feels wrong because there were three people in that bed.” His voice shakes with anger, and his eyes are full of pain.

  That makes my blood boil. “No, Brody. It feels wrong because you left me and ran straight to another girl! That’s what feels wrong!” Tears threaten to fall, but I’ll be damned if he will see me cry.

  “What are you talking about? Since I laid eyes on you, I haven’t touched anyone else. And believe me, I tried. But when I closed my eyes, all I saw was you.” He closes the gap and wraps me in his arms. I lay my face against his chest. His heart is pounding, and his chest rises and falls unevenly. “What have you done to me?”

  Everything is so intense with Brody. My feelings, good and bad, are amplified when I am with him. He makes me feel beautiful. He makes me feel crazy. But most terrifyingly, he just makes me feel.

  “Brody, I just don’t know what you want. Am I supposed to be at your beck and call while you sleep around and do whatever you want?” His arms still. “I mean, you say you don’t want a relationship, but you don’t want me to see anyone else.”

  “Baby, I said a lot of things before I met you. I don’t do relationships.” He exhales. “But you make me want to try.” His voice is so low, I wonder if he even meant for me to hear.

  “What do you want me to do? Declan is my friend, and I don’t want to hurt him. I told him I am talking to someone else. It’s not like I can tell him it’s you. Just give me some time to figure it out. I just need some time, Brody.”

  Running his hands through my hair one last time, he backs away. “I’m afraid to ask you to choose, Quince.” He slowly traces my lower lip with his thumb. His eyes search mine. “I’m afraid you won’t choose me.” His hands drop to his sides as he walks away. Again.

  Chapter 30

  Jenna is her annoying, sun-shiny self the next morning. “Wake up, Quincy Girl! You’ve got some explaining to do.”

  “Jenna, please. I had to work late last night, and I have class in two hours.” Maybe I’m not really a girl. I have no desire to share the details of the night with Brody, not even with Jenna. It hurts that the most beautiful and intimate night of my life is overshadowed by a cloud of lies and shame.

  “Well, then, you better hurry up if you expect to make it to class on time.” She’s relentless, but I know that behind her question is genuine concern. So I do what any normal girl would do. I get up and prepare to bare my soul.

  I can’t do anything until I’ve at least brushed my hair and teeth. Looking at myself in the mirror, I wonder again if I’m still the same girl I was a few weeks ago. So much has changed, but my old insecurities are holding firm.

  When I sit on my bed and cross my legs, Jenna sits facing me. “So, where the heck were you this weekend? And you better not say Collier since my mom says she didn’t see your car all weekend.”

  “Ha-ha, Jenna.” I attempt sarcasm. “We both know I didn’t go to Collier.” I take a deep breath and let it out. “I went with Brody to the cabin.” My face is instantly hot, and my heart is pounding so hard I can actually hear it.

  For a moment, I’m not sure she heard me. Jenna sits still and examines my face. “You, um… you did what?” Again, she is speechless.

  “Yeah. We left after work Friday. We went hiking and stuff, then we came home on Sunday.” Short and sweet. And entirely inadequate.

  As she studies my face, my belief that there is a sign on my forehead is confirmed. “Oh, my God! You did it! You did, didn’t you?” Why, oh why, does she see right through me?

  “Jenna, this is hard enough. Promise you won’t kill him. And you won’t tell Eric.” At her look of doubt, I say, “I mean it. Promise.” She silently nods, her eyes wide with shock. “Ok, so, yeah. We had sex. It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced, but now I wish I could take it back. And I don’t know if I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.” The words gush out, and it really is a relief to get it all out.

  “What? I mean, why? What happened?” I think this is the first time I’ve really shocked her. She still can’t say a complete sentence.

  “I really don’t know. While we were there, everything was great. But when we were driving back, it’s like reality slapped me in the face. I slept with someone who I’m not even dating. I’m pretty sure he’s had his fair share of hook-ups, and it probably didn’t mean anything to him. Then, Declan came over, and he’s just so sweet. He’s someone I could see myself dating. I’ve screwed up everything!” Tears threaten to spill over, panic consuming me again.

  Jenna moves closer and pulls me to her. With her arms around me, I fight to control myself. I refuse to cry. I did this, and now, I will deal with it. “Girlfriend, did you just say it was amazing? Because I’m going to tell you right now – my first time sucked. It hurt, and it was over before I knew what happened.” When I register what she said, I burst out laughing. Soon, we are both laughing as we cling to each other.

  “Dammit, Jenna! I’m wallowing in my self pity here. You’re not supposed to make me laugh.” The truth is that Jenna isn’t just trying to make me feel better. She always sees the positive side of everything. “But, yes. It was amazing. He was very gentle, and I enjoyed every minute of it.”

  “Then tell me why you look so lost.” Her face is plastered with concern, and I’m not used to seeing this side of her. We are the same age, but I’ve always felt like she was older. Her
maturity always amazes me.

  “I just don’t want to get hurt, and I don’t want to hurt Declan either. He is perfect. I can talk to him, and I feel like he really gets me, you know?” At the end of the day, this is my primary concern. I don’t want to lose Declan.

  Suddenly very serious, she says, “Quince, I’m your oldest and closest friend, so I’m going to be honest with you. I know you’re afraid to love, afraid to get hurt. You’ve always played it safe, and you’ve always tried to make everyone around you happy. You’ve got to learn that not everyone is Katie. And we aren’t in Collier anymore. People here aren’t just waiting for you to screw up, and I can’t imagine that they’ll turn on you if you do. You’ve spent so long trying to please others. I think it’s time for you live for you. If there is something that makes you happy, I say go for it. Just live life to the fullest. No regrets.”

  “Thanks, Jenna. I just wish I knew what to do.” Her words remind me that I have to tell her about Katie. “Oh, and by the way, Katie knows where we live. Yesterday, when I got back, she was waiting for me. She was out of her mind, wanting money. I didn’t let her come up, but you need to watch out for her.” I hate this. Jenna shouldn’t have to deal with my problems.

  Rolling her eyes, she says, “Great. That’s just what you need.”

  We have to rush through showers and breakfast to make it to class on time. As I walk across campus, with the breeze in my hair, I think about Jenna’s words. She is the only one who would understand my feelings. If I ever told her.

  It’s hard to admit that you are not only ashamed of your sister, but you are glad it isn’t you. When I feel like I’m not in control, I worry that I might get sick like Katie. I worry that I’m walking the same line, and someday, I will fall over the edge.

  Chapter 31

  Wednesday comes too quickly. Declan and I are already sitting in our regular seats when Brody walks in. He strides purposefully toward me and my heart races. I know exactly what he’s going to do. He’s going to sit in the empty chair on the other side of me. Panic and bile rise in my throat. I plead desperately, silently with my eyes. Don’t do it. I shake my head just a fraction of an inch, and he stops short. His eyes flash, and I can feel the anger rolling off him as he abruptly turns and sits by Eric.