A Desperate Road to Freedom

by Karleen Bradford

  Miss Clarke is so quiet and gentle, not bossy at all. But the children are good as pie for her anyway. All but one boy who sits at the back. He acts up all the time. I think he can’t learn anything and just wants to make sure nobody else has a chance to either. He made trouble all day until finally Miss Clarke had to take the strap to him. She didn’t enjoy it the way our old overseer enjoyed whipping, though. She only gave him three licks, but Joey, he was hollering and crying fit to beat the band. Miss Clarke, she got tears in her own eyes and looked just as miserable as he did.

  “Joey,” she said, “This is hurting me as much as it hurts you. Please don’t make me do it again.”

  And do you know, that boy sat still as a mouse for the rest of the day. Don’t think he learned anything, though, and I expect he’ll be up to his old tricks again tomorrow. Even when he’s quiet, he’s got the devil in his eyes.

  May 1863

  Friday, May 1st, 1863

  Mama got a job! Thomas and Papa haven’t found anything yet, but they’re looking. Missus Blunt and Mama have become real friendly, and Missus Blunt has a sister working at a big hotel down by the lake called The Queen’s Hotel. Missus Blunt’s sister was able to get Mama a job there taking in washing. She told the hotel people that Mama was an expert washer-woman who was used to doing laundry for fine folks. Which is the truth, of course. Papa’s been making the rounds of the stables, but nobody seems to need any more help, no matter how good he is with the horses. I know he’s worried, but I’m praying he’ll find something soon.

  The Queen’s Hotel where Mama’s working is a place where people rent rooms and they get all taken care of. They’re not letting Mama do the guests’ washing yet, till they know for sure she’s dependable. (Miss Clarke teaches us a new word every day and that’s my word for today — dependable.) She’s just doing some of the kitchen washing, tablecloths and all, but Mama’s so good at everything she does, I reckon she’ll be doing the guests’ things soon.

  Missus Blunt has a big washtub that she’ll let Mama use out in the backyard. Mama will pay her out of her wages for the wood she uses to heat up the water. After school I go with Mama to collect the towels and sheets and stuff, then help her carry it home. Mama is not too happy about me even going near there — she says the hotel is full of soldiers and bad men and it’s no place for a young girl. But Mama can’t carry the washing all by herself, so she’s made me promise to stay right close beside her.

  The hotel is so big and so grand! There certainly are a lot of rough looking men around, though, so I am careful to do exactly what Mama says.

  It’s worth your life to get across the street in front of the hotel, it’s so wide and there are so many horses and wagons and buggies. The noise is enough to make a person deaf — everybody shouting and calling out, the horses whinnying and neighing. Those are two more new words I learned. Miss Clarke told me how to spell them. Don’t they just sound like the noises the horses make? I told Joseph that and he went around whinnying and neighing and pretending he was a horse for the rest of the day until Mama put a stop to it.

  Monday, May 4th, 1863

  Mama and I go in the back door of the hotel. I stay in the kitchen with a girl name of Sibby while Mama collects the washing. Safe enough there. Sibby gave me a glass of water and told me stories about the people staying at the hotel. There are even Americans there! Officers’ wives come up here to be safe from the war, she said. When she told me that I remembered that burned-out plantation we saw.

  That started me to thinking. Escaped slaves like us come up here to be free and away from our masters, then the masters come up here to be safe away from the war. Something wrong there.

  Today she let me peek through the kitchen door into the dining room where everyone was eating their supper, but a little boy saw us and we had to duck back into the kitchen quick-like before he set up a scene.

  Sibby’s older than me, and colored like me, but she was born free here in Toronto. Her mama and papa came up from New York after the American Revolution. When Mama came to fetch me, Sibby said she’d look out for me tomorrow.

  Imagine, a girl like me working and taking home wages every week!

  Sunday, May 10th, 1863

  Church today. We go to the British Methodist Episcopal Church. Miss Clarke helped me spell it. Sure is a long name. Good people there, though, and Reverend Brown preaches a fiery sermon. What I like best is the singing. There’s lots of it. I haven’t been singing much since Sarah was sold off, but I do enjoy the hymns and songs in this church. After services Mama went to Sabbath School as usual, and I looked after Joseph. He was being a horse again today and it was really tiresome.

  Thomas and Papa are still looking for jobs. No luck yet.

  Monday, May 11th, 1863

  Spelling is a mystery to me. Seems here in Canada they put Us in lots of words that they didn’t in Virginia. Seems now I’m coloured with a U. Word looks a mite more elegant (that’s my word for today), but it means the same. I want to please Miss Clarke so I’m trying my best to write proper and I’ll put the Us in if I can figure out where they go.

  Wednesday, May 13th, 1863

  Rain today. Mama couldn’t get the washing dry. It’s hanging all over Missus Blunt’s kitchen and she’s none too happy about it.

  Friday, May 15th, 1863

  Something terrible happened today. I was walking down Queen Street with Joseph after school. Mama gave me a penny and I promised to buy him a candy from Missus Teakle’s candy shop on Centre Street. That sure is a treat for him. For me, too. I like walking into a store and laying a penny on the counter and buying something. Never did that before in my life.

  Anyway, we were walking home, and Joseph was too busy sucking on his candy to talk, which is unusual for him. He’s so happy here, he’s right back to being the rampageous (How’s that for a word? I just made that up!) little boy he used to be. I was sort of daydreaming, I guess, and not paying much mind to what was going on or looking where I was going. All of a sudden I walked right into someone.

  A man.

  A white man.

  He stumbled a bit, then reached out and grabbed my arm.

  “Where do you think you’re going, gal!” he shouted at me. He was holding my arm so tight it hurt. I got a big bruise there now.

  I was so scared I couldn’t say a word. I just stood there, staring at him. That made him even madder. He gave me a powerful shake, almost knocked me off my feet. Then Joseph shouted out for him to leave go of me and kicked him!

  The man let me go and made a grab for Joseph, but Joseph is small and quick and he nearly got away, but the man caught him.

  “Oh, no you don’t!” the man cried. “You’re going to pay for that, boy!” He raised his arm and was about to hit Joseph when another man on the street shouted at him.

  “Leave that child alone!” he cried. He was a white man, too. Two more white men joined in, shouting at the man holding Joseph. Then a white woman strode right up to him and looked him square in the face.

  “You leave that child alone,” she yelled.

  I never would have believed a white lady would do that. Especially to defend a coloured boy. The man let go of Joseph but he was still steaming mad. Then he took a good look at both of us.

  “I know what these children are!” he said. “They’re runaways for sure. I should take them back with me. Find their rightful owner.”

  Hearing that, I just turned cold from my head to my toes.

  “Oh, no, you won’t,” one of the other men said. “They’re free here. You can’t touch them.”

  At that, Joseph lit out for home and I ran after him. We got back to Mister Blunt’s and before I could warn Joseph not to say anything to Mama, he blurted the whole story out. That put Mama in a fury.

  “I thought we were safe,” she kept saying. “I thought we were safe!”

  “We are,” Papa told her. “Didn’t those people protect Joseph? White people, they were.”

  That calmed her dow
n a mite, but then Thomas started in to laughing. “Tell again about the lady yelling at the man,” he said to Joseph.

  That was all the encouragement Joseph needed. He told the whole story again and then he started laughing, too. Even Papa had to smile, but Mama didn’t see one funny thing about it at all. She wouldn’t let me go with her to take the washing back to the hotel and made me promise not to step foot outside Mister Blunt’s house, or let Joseph out of my sight.

  Monday, May 18th, 1863

  A new boy came here yesterday. He escaped from Alabama, he said, and he’d been running for three months. Some folks carried him here and he’s sharing the shed with Thomas. He’s just about the same age as Thomas. I’ve never seen anyone so skinny and scared. Never seen anyone eat like he did tonight, either. Missus Blunt put a bowl of soup in front of him and he picked it up and slurped it so fast I was sure it was going to scald him all the way down. I thought Missus Blunt would be after him for bad manners, but she filled that bowl up again and watched him lap that down just as fast as the first one, then gave him a whole hunk of bread. That disappeared fast as the soup did. Guess he must’ve been half starved.

  Made me remember what it was like when we were running. I almost forgot. Or maybe I just shut it up way back in my mind and I don’t want to remember.

  Wednesday, May 20th, 1863

  Thomas is up to something, I know it. Something to do with that boy — Jeremiah, his name is. They were talking this morning in the kitchen before Thomas went out to work, but they stopped soon as I walked in. Thomas got a real guilty look on his face.

  Thursday, May 21st, 1863

  Miss Clarke says I’m learning so fast it plumb bedazzles her. Then she told me how to spell bedazzle. That’s my favourite word yet. I never wrote zzs before. They’re even more fun than ffs. They call the letter z “zed” here, not “zee” like back home. Can’t for the life of me figure out why. Makes no sense at all.

  Friday, May 22nd, 1863

  Don’t know what Thomas is up to, but he and that Jeremiah are planning something. Jeremiah’s been resting up and eating all week and got his strength back by now. Papa asked him was he looking for work but he said he wasn’t. Polite as he could be, but said he had other plans.

  What other plans could a coloured boy have here? He’s got to work!

  Saturday, May 23rd, 1863

  Well, we found out what plans that Jeremiah had, and they included Thomas. I can’t set my mind straight, I am so shaken up. Don’t know if I can even write of it.

  This morning early, Thomas announced he had something to say. Jeremiah came into the kitchen but he stayed quiet by the door and let Thomas do the talking. Thomas said that Jeremiah told him that President Lincoln had created a regiment of coloured boys who could fight in the Union Army, and he and Jeremiah were going to go back south and sign up. I thought Papa would explode.

  “Go back!” he shouted. “You crazy, boy? After all we’ve done to get up here safe, you’re going to go back?”

  Mama stared at Thomas and didn’t say a word, but her whole face just kind of sagged. Joseph didn’t rightly know what was going on but he knew it was bad and he ran to Mama and howled. I guess I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. For once I couldn’t think of a thing to say.

  Then it sank in. “You can’t!” I just about screamed.

  Thomas was looking all fierce but his mouth was set in that way that I know so well. Thomas sets his mouth like that, nothing’s going to change his mind.

  “I got a chance to fight, I’m going to do it,” was all he said. “They beat us and sold us like animals. I want to pay them back.”

  “Thomas, think what you’re doing!” Mama cried. I never heard so much pain in her voice. “I can’t lose you, too!”

  “Not going to lose me, Mama,” he said. Tried to make his voice light, but it sort of broke halfway through. “I’ll come back, I promise.”

  Then Papa turned to Jeremiah. He near roared at him. “This is your doing, boy! Why are you going back when you just got here and all these good folks have been helping you? Why are you taking my boy back with you?”

  Jeremiah didn’t answer for the longest time, then he sort of straightened up and looked Papa full in the face.

  “My brother ran with me, sir,” he said. “My baby brother. They shot him. Shot him in the back. He never had a chance. I’m going back to get revenge and stop them from ever doing that to anybody else again. Thomas — his brothers been sold off, even his sister. Maybe they’re dead, too. He’s coming with me because he wants to.”

  Then, I still can’t believe it, Thomas picked up a bundle he had already packed, and he and Jeremiah made to go. Thomas tried to kiss Mama goodbye, but she just turned and ran out. He held out his hand to Papa and Papa took it. He hung onto it so long I thought he’d never let go and I swear I saw tears in his eyes. Papa. Who never cries.

  “You keep that promise, hear?” was all he said, then he dropped Thomas’s hand and followed Mama into the other room.

  Joseph ran over to him and grabbed him around the knees. I just kept on standing there.

  “Julia May?” Thomas said. “Aren’t you going to wish me well?”

  At that I just ran at him same as Joseph and glommed onto him just as hard. He gave me a hug that squeezed all the breath out of me, then bent and pried Joseph’s fingers off. By then I was crying and Thomas was, too. I saw Jeremiah take off, then Thomas turned and followed him. I watched till they turned the corner of the street, and they were gone.

  Mama took to her bed and Joseph and I did the washing, both of us crying hard. Papa sat with Mama for a spell, then took himself off to the stables.

  Safe or not, seems like there’s all kinds of ways to smash a family apart.

  But Thomas isn’t safe any more.

  Monday, May 25th, 1863

  Mama won’t get out of bed. She won’t even talk to me. I haven’t seen her this upset since Sarah was sold off.

  I stayed home from school today. Joseph and I did the washing for her. Joseph tried his best, but he’s too small to be much help. It’s heavy work. I told him he did good, though, and he managed a bit of a smile, then burst back into tears. I wanted to take the washing back to the hotel, but Missus Blunt wouldn’t let me go on my own.

  Tuesday, May 26th, 1863

  Stayed home from school again today. Somebody’s got to mind Joseph. They sent a boy around to find out why Mama hadn’t taken the washing back. I promised we’d get it back tomorrow somehow. I’m afraid they’ll let Mama go if we don’t. Then what would we do?

  Wednesday, May 27th, 1863

  Papa carried the washing to the hotel today, and brought the dirty laundry back. Then he went into his and Mama’s room and pulled the curtain closed behind him. He was in there a long time. I could hear his voice, talking low to Mama. Finally he came out, Mama behind him. She didn’t say a word, but started in with the washing and shooed Joseph and me out. Joseph looked to be hurt and relieved all at the same time. I know just how he feels.

  We were so happy there for a while. I keep telling myself that it will be all right. We’re free, after all, and surely Thomas will come back to us when this war is over.

  If he can.

  If he doesn’t get killed.

  I’m not even going to think that.

  Thursday, May 28th, 1863

  I was so glad to get back to school today. Miss Clarke asked where I had been. I told a lie. Said I’d been sick. I can’t bring myself to tell about Thomas yet. I feel like if I don’t tell it out loud it won’t be true. I’ll walk in the house and there he’ll be.

  Papa’s fretting a lot now. He’s been able to find a bit of work now and then, mucking out stables here and there, but nothing permanent. And I guess he was hoping that Thomas would find work and be able to help out, too, but now he’s gone we can’t count on that. Mister Blunt says not to worry, we can stay here long as we want, but I know there’s new people coming all the time and they need the room.


  Sunday, May 31st, 1863

  There was a new family in church today. But they won’t be needing to stay at Mister Blunt’s. They’re free folks, came up from Ohio with a horse and a wagon just loaded with furniture and food. They’re staying at a house just down the street from us. They got three sons, two older ones named Elisha and Jonah, and a boy just my age, name of Noah, but I don’t like him much. He says I talk funny. Sounds to me like he’s the one who talks funny. Talks like a Yankee.

  Reverend Brown prayed for all the boys who had gone south to fight for the Union Army. Seems like Thomas and Jeremiah weren’t the only ones. Mama started crying. Noah’s mama put her arm around her. She’s a nice lady, even if her Noah isn’t. Her sons looked kind of shamefaced, I thought. Maybe they thought they should be going to fight, too.

  June 1863

  Monday, June 1st, 1863

  Wouldn’t you know it, that Noah is coming to my school and he is even in the same classroom with me. He is a terrible show-off, but he can’t write or read nearly as good as I can.

  Tuesday, June 2nd, 1863

  Had to stay home today. Joseph is sick.

  Wednesday, June 3rd, 1863

  Home from school again. Joseph is worse. He has such a sore throat he cannot swallow anything. Mama tried to get him to gargle with muriatic acid and honey, but it just made him gag and vomit. It’s really worrisome. Mama has to keep up with the washing for the hotel so I’m still staying home to care for him.

  Thursday, June 4th, 1863

  Noah’s mama, Missus Long, came by today. She says we should call for Doctor Abbott who lives not too far from here in St. John’s Ward. Mama’s hesitant to do that, though. Even though he’s a coloured man, he’s a real doctor, graduated from university and all, and we don’t have the money to pay him.