A Desperate Road to Freedom

by Karleen Bradford

  Friday, June 5th, 1863

  Joseph’s throat is a little better, but he’s got a fever and a red rash all over him.

  Saturday, June 6th, 1863

  Joseph is so sick he’s raving and seeing things that aren’t there and talking all kinds of nonsense. He doesn’t even know us! Missus Long is over here every day helping nurse him. She says lots of children are sick and Doctor Abbott is tending them. Mama finally gave in and Papa went for him. People got this sick back home, they usually died.

  Later

  Doctor came and went. Don’t know if I feel better or not. He says Joseph’s got something called Scarlet Fever. He got Mama to wring out a sheet in warm water, then wrapped Joseph all up in it and piled on every blanket we had in the house. Poor Joseph started in to sweating, but after a while he seemed a bit better and he’s sleeping now. Doctor said when he wakes up tomorrow we have to give him eggnog and milk punch, and he left quinine and sweet spirits of nitre to dose him with four times a day. We have to give him a good purge, too, and keep sponging him off with hot water.

  Missus Blunt’s being good about letting us keep water boiling on her stove, but I’ve been set to keeping it supplied with wood.

  Sunday, June 7th, 1863

  Joseph is a little better. He’s not seeing things anymore and he recognized Mama, even managed to sip a little bit of the eggnog that she made for him. It’s got a little whiskey in it, Doctor said that would help bring his strength back. He’s still got a fever, though, so we wrapped him up and got him to sweating again, then he went back to sleep.

  Mama and Papa are off to church, but I’m staying with him. Makes my heart just feel like bursting to look at him sleeping there, he looks so small and helpless. We’ll give him another sponge bath when they get back. I’ve got the water good and hot.

  Monday, June 8th, 1863

  Missus Long came over to watch Joseph so that I could go to school, but I no more than got there than my throat started in to hurt. I tried to pretend it didn’t, then I vomited all over my desk. I don’t know what was worse — how sick I felt or how humiliated. (That’s another new word, but I’m not one bit happy to have to use it to describe what I went and did.)

  Missus Long got me tucked up in bed alongside Joseph. Poor Mama. What’s she going to say when she gets home and finds out she’s got two sick children.

  Missus Long just came in and gave me some honey and muriatic acid. Throat’s hurting so much, but I managed to swallow it, then it came right back up.

  My head is all swimmy and my eyes hurt. Can’t write any more.

  Monday, June 22nd, 1863

  Today’s the first day I can sit up and write, but my eyes still hurt and we’ve got to keep the room dark. Rash is gone, but I’m peeling and itching all over. Mama put lard all over me. That makes it even worse! Now I itch and I’m all greasy, too. I can’t believe I’ve been sick for two weeks. Seems like I was in a dream.

  Wednesday, June 24th, 1863

  Still need the curtains closed over the window. Sunny today and the light hurts my eyes. I’ve been just as sick as Joseph, Mama says. I don’t remember much about it. Mama says Missus Long is an angel. She’s been taking care of me and also Joseph, who is feeling so much better he’s running around now and vexing her something terrible. She scrubbed off the lard andrubbed me down with glycerine and rose water. That’s a lot nicer. Feels cool and smells real good.

  They couldn’t get Doctor Abbott for me because he’s gone off down south to be doctor to the Union Army, but Mama and Missus Long dosed me and wrapped me and sponged me just like they did for Joseph.

  Papa’s been cutting wood and carrying it home for Missus Blunt and he’s been carrying the washing for Mama, too. He came in and sat by my bed today. Didn’t say much, just held my hand, then gave me a kiss and a hug and went out. Joseph was acting up something terrible, but he just patted him on the head and didn’t say anything, and his eyes got all teary. I guess he’s glad he didn’t lose his last two children.

  Thursday, June 25th, 1863

  I got up for a while today. My legs are weak as a newborn kitten’s. Didn’t help any that Joseph roared into the room and nearly knocked me down.

  Saturday, June 27th, 1863

  Thomas’s birthday today. We none of us said a word, but I know we were all thinking about it.

  Been a sad day.

  Monday, June 29th, 1863

  I’m finally well enough to go back to school. I’m so mad, though. I’ve missed so much and it will be over for the summer end of next month. I’m so mad! Just when I got the chance to really learn, I had to go and get sick. It’s so unfair — Mama gets to keep on going to Sabbath School. It doesn’t stop for the summer. She says I can go back in the autumn, but that’s such a long time away. I’m going to keep on writing in my journal, though. That Noah came round and brought me all the lessons that I missed, so I’m going to work through them on my own. He had to brag about how much he learned while I was sick. Bet he still doesn’t know as much as I do.

  It was kind of him to bring me the lessons, though I expect his mama made him do it.

  Tuesday, June 30th, 1863

  Helped Mama carry the clean washing to the hotel today, but I couldn’t carry much. Nearly all I could do just to walk there. I sat for a while in the kitchen, talking with Sibby while Mama collected the dirty laundry. We were peeking at all the fine people in the dining room. Sibby says more and more Americans from the Confederate states are coming all the time. Guess that means the war isn’t going so well for them. That’s good news. Wonder if Thomas is fighting now? Wonder if he’s killed anybody? That’s a fearsome thought.

  I won’t let myself think any more thoughts like that.

  July 1863

  Wednesday, July 1st, 1863

  My hand is shaking so much I can hardly write.

  When we were in the hotel today, Sibby and I peeked into the dining room, like we always do, and there, sitting right in front of my nose, were my old Missus and Miss Marissa!

  I ducked back in like I’d been scalded. Sibby asked what was the matter, but I didn’t dare tell her. Just said I was come over weak all of a sudden.

  What if Missus Jackson saw me? What if she tries to get me back!

  Rest of the time till Mama was ready to go I hid out in the kitchen. Wouldn’t talk to Sibby, and all the way home with Mama, I had to bite my tongue. Wanted to tell her, but didn’t dare. I knew how upset she’d be.

  Don’t know what to do!

  Thursday, July 2nd, 1863

  Worse and worse!

  I couldn’t get up the nerve last night to tell Mama about seeing Miss Marissa and Missus Jackson, but I should have. Now we’re all in a terrible way.

  We were walking past the front door of the hotel this afternoon, like we always do on our way to the kitchen at the back, when at that very moment Miss Marissa and her mother walked out. Missus Jackson took one look at us and just shrieked. “That’s my Selie!” she screamed, loud as could be. “That’s my slave! She’s a runaway!”

  Everybody on the street stopped to look. Mama just froze right where she stood.

  Then Miss Marissa saw me and she started in to screaming, too. “You ungrateful girl!” she shouted and started to run at me. “After I treated you so nice! Why did you run away?”

  Then she came up so close I could feel spit flying from her mouth. “I’m going to see you get punished,” she yelled. “I’m going to tell. I’m going to tell that you learned to read and write like the little sneak you are.”

  I didn’t even stop to think, I was so stupefied. I just screamed right back at her. “I’m allowed here,” I yelled. “I even go to school. I can read and write better than you!”

  With that, Missus Jackson slapped me. Slapped me so hard I near fell down.

  Well, that did it. Mama dropped the clean washing she was carrying, right there in the mud of the street. She stood herself in front of me and she faced Missus Jackson down.

  “You
can’t hit my child here!” she cried. “We’re in Canada now!” Then she grabbed my arm and pulled me away. We turned and raced back here as fast as we could. I collapsed on the front steps, but Mama just yanked me inside and slammed the door shut.

  We’ve been waiting here for someone to come after us, but nothing’s happened yet. I’m so scared I have to keep reminding myself to breathe.

  Friday, July 3rd, 1863

  No one came, but Mama won’t let me out of her sight. She even kept me home from school. We haven’t heard a thing from Missus Jackson, but the hotel sent a boy round to say Mama was let go on account of her dropping all the washing in the mud. We’re still nervous as cats, but I guess it’s true that Missus Jackson can’t get at us here in Canada. Besides, Papa says if she’s in Canada, it must mean she’s not safe in Virginia, and she’s not about to return or try to carry us back.

  I guess I know now how Miss Marissa feels about me running off. She’s not happy for me, that’s for certain. I should have known it. Should have expected it, but I didn’t. We used to play together when we were little, and I thought we were almost friends, even though she was my mistress, but I was wrong. I was just her slave, after all. She never cared a bit for me.

  Plain stupid of me to feel so bad about it.

  Mama and Papa are arguing something fierce. Mama wants to leave right away. But where could we go?

  Saturday, July 4th, 1863

  Missus Long has been here talking to Mama all day. She says they’re all going to leave Toronto and go farther north to some place near a village called Durham. Says they’re farmers and they’ve given Toronto a try but they really don’t like city living. No jobs here for Mister Long or the boys. I think maybe she’s scared, too, that her boys might up and go join the Union Army like Thomas did if they can’t get any work here. She’s got a sister living near Durham with her family, and that sister’s been writing Missus Long letter after letter begging her to come up to them. Missus Long says there’s land to be had for coloured folk up there and we should go with them. Her sister’s well fixed and can help out any way we need till we get settled in proper. Papa’s home now and Mister Long’s talking with him.

  Imagine having kinfolk! I haven’t any kin that I know of except my own family, and most of them are gone. Mama was sold off when she was pretty young, but she remembers her mama and her two sisters. No way of knowing whatever happened to them. Papa says he must have been sold off when he was a bit younger than Joseph, because he can barely remember his mama, but not his papa. Says he remembers he might have had a big brother, but he can’t recollect for sure. No telling what their names were.

  It’s like I have this big, unknown family of ghosts. But imagine having a real aunt or an uncle! And cousins! I used to call folks Aunt or Uncle back on the plantation, but they weren’t really kin. It was just more polite that way. And Missus Long says her papa lives with her sister and her family, too. Imagine having a grampa! Noah sure is lucky.

  But I don’t want to leave Toronto. I want to keep on going to school. I like it here better than any place I’ve ever been. I may not have kinfolk but I’m beginning to have friends. I don’t want to start running again.

  Sunday, July 5th, 1863

  We’re going whether I like it or not. After church Mama and Papa sat down with Joseph and me and told us. We’re leaving next week. Mama’s too afraid to stay in the same city as Missus Jackson. Papa’s discouraged about not finding work, too. Figures he might do better if we go up north with Mister and Missus Long.

  Moving again!

  I hate this!

  I hate Missus Jackson!

  I hate Miss Marissa!

  Why did they ever have to come to Toronto? Haven’t they done hurt enough to us?

  Tuesday, July 7th, 1863

  I’ve been too angry to write, but we’re leaving tomorrow and I don’t know when I’ll get another chance. The most amazing thing happened today. Mama didn’t let me go back to school, but Miss Clarke came by here. She said she heard we were leaving and she wanted to say goodbye. Told me again what a smart girl I was. Said I should keep on with my schooling no matter what. Then — I near dropped dead with surprise — she put her arms around me and gave me a hug. I couldn’t help it, I started in to crying. She gave me another hug and then she left.

  Now I got to pack up my things. I don’t have much, but I’m going to take my journal and all my school work. Mama says it will be different from before. We’re not running and we’ll have the wagon to ride in and carry our possessions in. She says we should thank the Lord for the kindness of the Longs.

  I do thank Him. But I still do not want to go.

  Wednesday, July 8th, 1863

  It is different this time. First of all, we’re travelling right out in the open in the daytime. No hiding, no running. No dogs chasing after us. It was a bright, sunny day, not too hot, and if I weren’t so riled up about Marissa and having to leave Toronto, I might even have enjoyed it, but for one thing. Except for Mister Long driving, only Joseph was riding in the wagon. I was determined to walk just like Noah, but along about noon time I got so tired I couldn’t anymore. Mister Long saw me lagging and just lifted me up and plopped me in the wagon before I could protest. Guess I’m still weak from being so sick, but I’m going to walk farther tomorrow, and farther than that the day after. Noah, of course, just swaggered on with Elisha and Jonah and acted all superior.

  We left Toronto by way of Yonge Street. It wasn’t too bad at first, but soon got muddy. That’s one reason why I got so tired. Pretty hard slogging through all that mud. The sun dried it up a bit, though, and the going got easier.

  Joseph is in his element, as Miss Clarke used to say. He is so crazy mad about horses. He persuaded Mister Long to let him sit up on the seat beside him and hold the reins. Then, when we stopped here in the woods where there’s a little stream to provide us with water, Mister Long let him fill the feedbag and helped him put it on the horse. The horse’s name is Luck. Joseph is standing up on a stump and currying and brushing it to death right now. He’s singing a little song to it! Made up words, all about a big strong hero of a horse. Most foolish thing I ever heard. Horse seems to like it, though. Keeps twitching one ear after the other as if he’s listening.

  Elisha shot a squirrel and Missus Long and Mama have squirrel stew boiling away over the fire. Smells good. Joseph trails after Elisha and Jonah all the time. I guess he misses Thomas. They’re nice boys, though, and they don’t seem to mind. They’re lots nicer than Noah.

  It does make the dark seem less fearful when you can have a fire! And when you got lots to eat.

  The Longs have two old army tents to sleep in tonight, but we’re going to put blankets down beside the wagon and prop a tarp over us. Lucky it’s not raining, but the mosquitoes are fierce! I’m bit to pieces.

  Papa’s being awful quiet. I think he’s feeling as bad as I am about leaving Toronto. If he’d been able to get a job, maybe we might have been able to persuade Mama to stay.

  But probably not. Not with Missus Jackson there and Mama losing her job and all.

  I sure hope things get better for us, wherever we’re going.

  Thursday, July 9th, 1863

  Went through a town called Richmond Hill today. The Longs tried to stay at a tavern tonight, but the owner just chased them away really rudely. Said they didn’t cater to coloured folk. We may be free in Canada, but it seems we’re not always welcome. It was different in Toronto, we kept to our own neighbourhood for the most part, but out here there’s mostly white people and they’re not all friendly.

  Friday, July 10th, 1863

  Turned west today. At first it was real pleasant. Lots of little farms and villages along the way, but then it started to rain. Turned the road back into a muddy, squishy mess. In places it was so swampy there were logs put crosswise, side by side, to make a kind of trail through the trees and bushes to walk on. Poor Luck had a hard time of it. His hooves kept slipping and sliding on the logs. Miste
r Long walked up beside him, leading him by the halter, and the boys pushed the wagon from behind. Joseph, of course, had to push, too, even though he was more of a nuisance than a help, I reckon. Mama was afraid he would fall, and fall he did. By the time we stopped here tonight he was mud from head to toe. No way to wash him up, though, so he’s just huddled here beside me, wet and smelly.

  We couldn’t make a fire, just ate some bread and cold leftover squirrel stew. It wasn’t nearly as good as it was last night.

  I wasn’t too unhappy about riding in the wagon today, even though Noah pranced around pretending not to mind the rain. He’s just as muddy and wet as Joseph now, though, and I suspect he’s just as miserable as the rest of us.

  Saturday, July 11th, 1863

  No rain today, the Lord be thanked. We got to a little village called Bolton. There’s a tavern here but they’re making us stay in the stable. No coloured people allowed in that tavern, either. Actually, I’m just as glad. The tavern’s no more than a log shanty and when I peeked in I’ve never seen any place so dirty and stinky. The stable is much nicer and the horses smell nicer, too.

  Good chance to dry out and wash up at the pump in the yard. Luck seems happy to be in a warm dry place with other horses. He keeps making funny little nickering noises and they make noises right back at him. Joseph says they’re talking to each other. I could almost believe him.

  Papa told me a bit more about where we’re going. Missus Long’s sister and her family live on a farm near the village of Durham in a place called the Queen’s Bush. Guess it belongs to that same Queen who made all the slaves in Canada West free. Missus Long says they’re going to get a piece of land, too, and set up farming there. I asked Mama if we were going to farm, but she didn’t answer me. The Longs had a farm in Ohio so they know all about that, but my Papa doesn’t know anything but tobacco planting and tending horses, and Mama has always worked in the Big House. Besides, without Thomas, there would be too much work for Papa to do on a farm.