Outing of the Heart

by Lisa Ann Harper

  ‘It’s getting late.’ She stood, expecting Tenille to follow suit, which she did, leaving her drinks undrunk.

  Outside in the fresh air, they both took deep breaths. Jasmine scented the wind from nearby Cabbagetown gardens. Walking to the car, Tenille reflected that such a short time ago they were in each other’s arms, so close, swept away by the romance of the music and their happiness. Now they were poles apart, not touching; not speaking.

  Sidonie drove in silence to McPherson. Tenille was surprised to see so many people still on the streets so late in the night. “That’s Toronto in summer for you. No one wants to go home.”

  In the quiet cluster of the old Toronto houses where Tenille lived, all was tranquil and serene. Sidonie pulled up jerkily. ‘I’ll get your things.’

  Mrs. Sandrelli knew she was back late on a Saturday night, but Tenille had never been this late before. It was now almost three and she hoped everyone would be asleep, her arrival unnoticed. She alighted from the car and took her grip from Sidonie.

  ‘Shall I see you at the gym tomorrow?’ she asked, diffidently.

  ‘I don’t know. I may have to sleep in the afternoon.’ Sidonie’s reply was delivered in a brittle voice.

  ‘Oh, I see,’ she responded. ‘Well, thank you for a lovely evening. I really liked The Rose and being there with you.’ She was trying to bring her round, but there was no lightening of the mood.

  ‘Well then …’ she faltered, ‘ … it’s possible I may see you tomorrow at the gym …?’ She stopped speaking, but continued standing there.

  ‘Perhaps,’ was the abrupt reply.

  ‘Oh, Sidonie. Don’t let’s part like this,’ her pleading voice was low, passionate for understanding. She put her grip down and reached out her hand. ‘We were so happy before. We still feel the same about each other, don’t we?’ The centres of her dark eyes became alarming in their naked intensity, as she searched her face. The pressure of her hand tightened perceptibly. ‘That hasn’t changed, has it?’ Her eyes now threatened to spill over with tears.

  Sidonie felt like an inconsiderate brute as she began drowning in the depths of this compelling gaze.

  ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t take this out on you. It’s not your fault things haven’t worked out as I planned.’ She took a big lungful of warm night air, trying to compose her tumultuous thoughts: ‘And you’re right. Nothing has changed between us.’

  Moving closer to Tenille, she took her in her arms. She tilted her head, lips parted. She looked at their soft moistness and despite the open road, could not hold back from claiming her mouth, an undeniable expression of her urgent need. She wanted to experience once more the ravishing sensuality of her yielding body, pressed against hers as they melded together in the softness of a shared embrace. She had to steel herself to pull away, their hearts racing madly, as tensed excitement pulsated with the blood in their veins. Tears now coursed hotly down Tenille’s cheeks, her heightened feelings overflowing with each one.

  ‘Yes. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ Sidonie was breathing heavily against her shining tresses, savoring the seductive smell of her as she held her close. They became conscious of their surroundings and dropped their arms, achieving a respectable distance. ‘I’ll probably be later than usual because I will have to rest after work.’

  She began to wipe away the salty tears as Tenille cautioned: ‘Just try to make it before three. I have my rehearsal at four and I can’t change that.’

  ‘You have my word,’ Sidonie replied earnestly, as she turned abruptly and got into the car.

  Like so many times before, Tenille was left standing on the sidewalk, but this time she was feeling miserable. ‘Why can’t happiness last for longer?’ she wondered, watching the blue Tercel disappear round the corner. Would there ever come a day when these heart-wrenching partings would be no more and the night would not have to end in solitude?

  * * *

  The weather was perfect for a lazy July Sunday. It was a summery, sun-lapped day and the temperature had been rising steadily. Morning sped by. One of the horses was exceptionally restive and Sidonie had her work cut out to keep her under control during the cool down. It was bath day. In the heat the horses could sweat incredibly. They seemed to appreciate the extra attention too. When she returned them to their stall they went peacefully, enjoying the cool shade and fresh straw put down by the groom. She loved being around these big animals, especially her favorites. Kelly’s Fancy, whom they called Kelly, was a beautiful big bay whose eyes followed everywhere, as if she hated being left. When Sidonie gave her a treat, her mouth was so gentle, the lips velvety soft. The other horse was a feisty little grey who had a spirit of fun about him. He wasn’t malicious though. That was the problem with thoroughbreds, they could be unpredictable and nervy.

  Sidonie was back to her apartment in good time to catch a full two hours’ sleep. When she had showered and changed into her big, soft T-shirt for sleeping, her mind began again to worry at what she now looked upon as her ‘Tenille problem’. Perhaps it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe they just weren’t right for each other? Could she be battling against insurmountable odds, with this one? If things between them were so difficult, perhaps she should really consider letting Tenille go and settling for ‘just good friends.’ Until her return from the States, that was all they could be.

  What she needed was her body to get this message; to stop going off the rails at the mere sight of her. Even now, as she lay on her narrow bed, she knew she was aroused, just thinking and remembering. Her sweet face as she had watched the dark eyes brim over with glistening droplets. She had taken her in her arms to kiss away those salty tears.

  Tenille was such a soft-spoken, gentle woman. She really did love her for herself; was not simply attracted to her beauty. In her heart she was sure they could be a solid ‘item’. She gave a long sigh. Perhaps it was only wishful thinking; but her yearning for that woman left her in an anguish of need. Her body would not let her rest. She began to move her pelvis as she squeezed her legs together. The desire for Tenille built quickly. She could not achieve the release she needed and moved her hand down over her stomach and slid to the hardness of her clit. It took only a few strokes for her body to explode, as it toppled over the edge. She was disappointed in herself as she called out her beloved’s name, over and over, burying her head in the pillow. She had wanted to wait for Tenille, but was glad of the release. She would be able to sleep now, but the orgasm had not given her emotional pleasure. This was an empty sham; selfish and calculating. No pleasure at all; only a few hours respite from the tormenting ache she always carried with her. Once she knew their special weekend was no longer the go, well – there was nothing to save herself for.

  ‘Tenille,’ she whispered again: ‘My darling, beautiful love. I want you so much. I hate living like this. We should be together, creating a shared life and future. It would be so good. I need you so.’ she cried into her pillow. As the sobs subsided, her eyelids began to feel heavy and finally, she dropped off into deep slumber.

  * * *

  Tenille kept a look out at the archway as she worked through her program. The afternoon had been quiet, many women on vacation, spending time with their families. She had been able to move through the routine without hindrance. By the time Sidonie arrived, only the swim was left.

  Sidonie didn’t set up, but took her off to the coffee shop where she ordered juices. Being empty, there was the pick of tables and as they sipped, they scrutinized each other closely; happy to be there, but subdued. It was Tenille who opened the conduit for exchange and began with a question.

  ‘Why don’t we go away somewhere together, next weekend?’ She had spent much time thinking through this possibility. Other couples did it, couldn’t they? Sidonie did not respond. She had been shocked into silence. She had never expected this.

  ‘We could book into a motel, out of town … couldn’t we?’ Her eyes were round and questioning as she looked into Sidonie’s frowning face. Had she gone too far?
Did Sidonie consider this too bold? Why didn’t she speak? Nice girls don’t do motels? She dropped her eyes to the table, the fringe of black lashes shielding their expression. Sidonie’s silence was making her nervous.

  These were not the considerations stifling Sidonie’s tongue. Her problem was work, seven days a week. Would Tenille accept one night in town? She proposed this and waited anxiously for the reply.

  ‘Sidonie.’ She looked up into those clear, sea-blue eyes which were regarding her with amazing intensity and continued: ‘I’m willing to do anything to be able to spend time with you … for us to be together.’ She held her gaze where Sidonie could see the sincerity shining through.

  ‘Well,’ she ventured, feeling encouraged: ‘I know of some gay Guest Houses.’

  Tenille smiled at this. ‘Oh, you do, do you.’ It was not a question but a tease, as her now laughing eyes attested.

  She hastened to clarify that she’d never been to one.

  ‘That’s okay.’ She laughed out loud this time. ‘I believe you, thousands …’ and winked.

  ‘We could possibly stay at one of those if they’re not all booked out. It’s a bit late notice, but it sure is worth a try.’ She was not able to joke back; too intense just now. This possibility was consuming her energies. ‘Let’s find a phone booth.’ She jumped up, almost flipping her chair in her haste. She was riding a wave and she wanted everything organized, this minute.

  ‘Okay darling,’ Tenille replied, in like mood. Everything was possible.

  Sidonie had loved hearing the use of the endearment. Her cup was over-flowing; the earlier depression behind her … no more doubts. She led the way down a side corridor to a telephone shell. Riffling through the white pages, she came to the ‘C’s and looked up Crawford House. This was a women’s B&B. It was true, she’d never been there, but she’d heard it had a nice, relaxed atmosphere. Once through she asked if there were any vacancies for the 3rd or 4th weekend in July. The voice at the other end took on a regretful tone. They were booked up for the whole of the summer season.

  There was only enough room for one, so Tenille was waiting anxiously outside. She could tell from the responses that this was a no go. As soon as she hung up, she asked if there was anywhere else.

  ‘Well, I know of another one, but it’s not exclusive to women.’ Tenille looked disappointed. She had liked that idea. ‘But it is gay,’ she qualified.

  ‘Whatever is fine. After all, we’re not going to be wandering the passageways all night, are we?’ The joking mood, still in place, nothing could keep her down just now.

  ‘Right.’ Sidonie was still business-like. ‘I’ll try Gaslight Bed and Breakfast. Two guys I know stayed there and raved over it, but they’re probably all booked out too,’ she amended pessimistically.

  ‘You don’t know yet,’ Tenille chided. ‘Let’s call before you give up totally,’ she encouraged, squeezing her hand.

  ‘Don’t take any notice of me. It’s just my way of preparing for another letdown,’ she clarified with a smile. Back at the shell, she thumbed through again to the G’s. There was a longer wait before the receiver was picked up and then a breathless voice said: ‘Gaslight B&B, can I help you?’ Sidonie explained what she wanted. The young man asked her to hold while he searched for the register. He spoke into the phone as he checked, the receiver caught between shoulder and ear; obviously a move of long practise.

  The extended waiting period began to sound alarm bells in Tenille’s head. She was beginning to believe Sidonie was right, when she saw her face brighten. She turned to her and mouthed the word: ‘Cancellation.’ Tenille’s grin broadened as she danced a pirouette. When she got off the phone this time, Sidonie gave her a bear hug, swinging her off her feet.

  ‘Any time after noon, tomorrow’ she told her excitedly, as she placed her back down. ‘The people had to leave a week earlier than expected. Their loss; our gain. Yee ha.’ She jumped up and clicked her heels, almost toppling over in her exuberance. ‘It’s not the whole weekend Babe,’ she regarded her directly: ‘But at this time of year, really, we’re very lucky to get anything on such short notice.’ They retraced their steps and she continued: ‘So many people come up to visit from the States. They reckon it’ll be that much cooler this far north.’ She would have liked to take Tenille’s hand, like an ordinary couple as they walked on towards the car. ‘They’re shocked, once they realize how hot it gets in July and August. That’s when they decide to cut the vacation short. Why pay for an air-conditioned room when you can get one at home for free? I’ll take you to Eglinton. Jump in.’ She didn’t move, pointing out instead that Sidonie had not yet gone through her gym routine.

  ‘It’s OK Ten, don’t fuss. I’ll have time before they close. Jump in. We can plan for tomorrow as we go.’ At this she unlocked the door and Tenille slide into the now familiar surroundings. She thought she would always couple steel blue Tercels with being in love. Even when she would see one drive by, down town, her heart would leap, almost as a reflex, knowing full well it couldn’t be Sidonie.

  It was decided to collect her from work. She’d need an over-night bag. ‘Parking is difficult outside the Eaton Centre so be waiting for me at the south entrance and I’ll just drive by. Like a pick up,’ she added and laughed. Then she wondered if she should have said that. Perhaps Tenille would find it offensive. She shot over a glance and saw laughter lines forming as she nodded in agreement. The silence continued as each mind grasped and internalised that tomorrow would be their first night alone.

  Both windows were down as they turned onto Bloor St., now busier and noisier at this time of day. Sidonie stopped at the lights where a convertible, overflowing with testosterone and head-banger music, pulled up beside them. Young men, returning from a day out eyed up the girls, nudging one another. She hoped for Tenille’s sake they wouldn’t make sexist comments about dykes. Fortunately, the lights changed and she could let them surge ahead. The last thing she wanted was coarse, derogatory remarks. Tenille wanted to be closer; to put her head on Sidonie’s shoulder. Now she felt too exposed in the little car; those guys had unsettled her.

  Sidonie pulled up some distance from the rehearsal rooms, no spot closer even on Sunday. They had made good time and sat for a moment to finalized plans.

  ‘Anywhere in particular you’d like to have dinner?’ She’d like everything to go ‘precision perfect’ tomorrow.

  ‘You choose. You’re more knowledgeable about eateries than I.’

  ‘Give me a clue; Italian, French, Ethnic,’ – she was enjoying the game – ‘Indonesian, Thai, Chinese – Fish and Chips?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ she chuckled at the list. No matter how many names were called out, she’d not be able to decide. ‘I’ll go wherever you take me. Is that any help?’

  ‘No,’ she laughed back, ‘but I love it.’ There was the promise of delightful intimacies ahead, as she scanned the swell of Tenille’s breasts and cast her eyes down to the smooth curve of her thighs. “Wait up,” she admonished herself: “All in good time.”

  Tenille watched the direction of her eyes and felt herself respond to the meaning behind their gaze. Being with Sidonie made her feel so alive, so desirable … and so in love. She looked back at her and her breath caught as she began to say: ‘I have to …’

  ‘’Til tomorrow,’ Sidonie replied thickly.

  * * *

  Sidonie took her time on the return journey, not wanting to get back to the real world of competitive speeds, cut-ins and road-rage. The gym was quiet when she walked in at about half past four, thinking she would have to come to grips with this Amazons’ contest. If she were serious, then she needed to put in more time than she had been of late. Also, a home program for work on a daily basis – the lower legs and wrists. “Those dedicated shapers will put you in the shade, if you don’t pick up the pace … and soon,” she thought. There were about four weeks remaining. She knew the pitfalls of trying to do too much at the eleventh hour. Yes, this was only amateur, but the gi
rls had a strong resolve to be the best. “Let’s face it,” she remonstrated truthfully: “No one wants to set up on that podium not looking at least halfway decent.”

  Serena was still hard at it when she walked in and only gave her the briefest of acknowledgments. ‘Catch ya later,’ she called out between lifts. Sidonie noted the amount of her weight and whistled softly. “Mama Rosa, that’s some big bar,” groaning inwardly. Stop dreaming and get on with it. If Tenille was going to be away for two weeks, she could use the time profitably so she put her personal thoughts to one side and settled down into a strenuous, cardiovascular workout and mentally got into gear to attack the weights.

  The hour passed unbelievably fast. Checking her watch at half past five, she was amazed. Looking around, there was no Serena and guessed she was in the pool. Serena had involved herself in the ‘body beautiful’ game only recently, being content before just to work out, but she’d come a long way in a short time. They were like kindred spirits and with no-one special in her life just now, Serena was dedicated to the gym. The reason she was doing so well.

  ‘Yup. In the pool.’

  She dove in and joined her in the next lane, letting her pace the lengths, keeping her thoughts on maintaining rhythm and strokes. In the locker room, they discussed the up-coming contest. It would be held this year in Hull, just outside Ottawa. The big day was August third. The preliminary rounds would begin the Friday evening and the judges would go through the process of elimination Saturday. The finals were Sunday afternoon, at which time there would be a new champion, reigning for twelve months; acting as ambassador for the sport and winning lucrative endorsements.

  So many people had assured Sidonie she had the goods, they had decided her to take the plunge. Most of the time positive, but at others she could regret putting her name down, not altogether sure she had the mental dedication. Before meeting Tenille determination had been to the fore. “Falling in love sure can turn your life around.”