Outing of the Heart

by Lisa Ann Harper

  Not expecting to be a champion, or even runner up, she did have hope she could acquit herself creditably in the early stages; could gain valuable experience for pursuit of the sport. She’d never make it her career, wanting to work with animals above all else. She would be going to Guelph come September, all being well. Now, with Tenille going on tour, she was glad to be part of the competition.

  “What will this do to our relationship?” she worried. “Will we have built up enough between us to withstand the strains of separation? Tenille is so damned attractive, once she’s on the Lesbian scene there’ll always be someone with their eye on her, waiting in the wings.” She drew a deep breath, giving enough time to her alter ego: “Listen kid, you can’t keep worrying about everything before it happens. Who’s to say you’ll still be relating by then. There’s still her trip to the States to get through.”

  By the time she’d dressed and was ready to leave it was approaching six. She said goodbye to Serena and headed off in the direction of St. Hubert’s. She would pick up her usual protein-plus dinner, but change the garden salad to a pasta one. It would soon be time to tip the balance to the carbohydrates, but the thought of all that rice and potato was daunting.

  Thinking about tomorrow, she decided they could do no better than eat at Windows on Church. It was not far from Cawthra Square so they could walk; so nice on these balmy nights. She pictured them, hand in hand, looking at the stars. “Well, drop the hand part,” she told herself. She liked the other bit though. She would make the reservation from St. Hubert’s.

  * * *

  It was a good morning’s work at the stables. Sidonie had eyed the grooms more than once and wished she were of their legion, but she was not prepared to give up her night-time hours to racing. With the groom’s job came the responsibility for travelling with the horses if they were racing at the downtown track and returning with them, late at night, oftentimes not finishing ’til after midnight. It also required travelling in the trailer with the horse and in confined spaces, who knew what damage they could inflict. If grooming had just meant cleaning stalls, tacking and grooming, she’d have loved it, but the other was just too much.

  After work she went through her clothes, taking time to select what would be most appropriate. For dinner her favorite forest green, cotton blend, hemp shirt. It had a soft, almost velvety feel, in a western style with pearlized buttons down the front and on two patch pockets, one over each breast, long sleeved with long cuffs, also adorned with the little buttons. Baggy style pants, black, with large patch pockets on the outside of each thigh. Her black leather casuals completed the outfit. The combination reinforced her butchness, but she also looked stylish. Very nice for a gay restaurant. The green shirt gave her hair a silver-blonde sheen that she knew would set off her tan.

  Before leaving for BODYSHAPE, she packed two bags, one for over-night, the other for the gym. Should she take PJs? Maybe. Her Moosehead Beer T-shirt would be all right. She smiled to herself. With a bit of luck, she’d not have to wear it for long. All her toiletries she put in her grip, including her Anteus cologne. She hoped Tenille would like it.

  Monday afternoon turned out to be busy. Everyone trying to work off the excesses of the weekend, perhaps? Nina was on the desk and was surprised to see her at that time. Flashing her membership card, she told her how she couldn’t make it this evening because she was going out. Explanations caused her cheeks to flush hotly, but Nina didn’t seem to notice anything.

  It was a good, satisfying session. The definition in her thighs was beginning to show at last and her abdominals were tightening up nicely. She devoted a chunk of time to ankles and wrists, these being problem areas. Although quadriceps and hamstrings were important, she could look unbalanced if the calf seemed to disappear into nothing. It was the same with well developed Biceps and Triceps. Without the forearm groups, the ‘body beautiful’ was not so lovely after all. Balance was the key.

  Signing out two sets of dumbbells, she took a peak at the other names. She was a bit slow getting to it. Girls had been taking equipment home for a while, but she observed they were for the major groups, whereas she was starting to fine-tune. So far so good … on target.

  The day was still hot and muggy, but now the sun was burning through the dismal greyness of bruised clouds and the thick layer of pollutants. After her shower she pulled on a tank top and shorts. She would have loved to be driving a convertible, but didn’t relish the afternoon sun beating down on her shoulders and especially not on her nose. The tan she had achieved gave her just the right glow.

  A glance at her dash clock – ample time to make it downtown, even considering rush hour traffic. It was the timing of the pick up that would be tricky. She would head for Harbor Front to wait there, then drive up to the south entrance. She could slip up Victoria Street and head west on Queen and hope like hell Tenille was waiting.

  Driving south from the gym, she took her time, then hit the Gardiner Expressway, fortunately against the flow of commuters returning home to Mississauga, Etobicoke and points west. Her thoughts, for some unknown reason, turned to Karen. She hadn’t thought of her in quite a while and here she was, looking forward to being with Tenille and yet her mind was dwelling on the past, when she and Karen had first met at George Brown College and were trying to find their way.

  They needed to familiarize themselves with the bookstore, students’ union, the library and the one hundred and one places they were required to know. Everything had been strange and exciting, that first semester and they had clicked, right off. All things possible in the beginning; soul mates, never to part. Would she and Tenille end up the same way?

  Karen had loved the sex too. Unfortunately, for her, there had been something missing. Karen was sweet natured in those days, but later, as she came to realize that Sidonie hadn’t felt as much for her, she had become demanding, more shrill. Could Tenille turn out like that? Was it something that happened to women as they came to deal with frustration and resentment? “Dear Goddess, don’t let it be like that for us.”

  They had their discords now, but that was to be expected; two such different personalities and backgrounds. Or was she deluding herself? She wanted this woman so badly. Would dissimilarities be their undoing? Or would these be the very making of them?

  “Why can’t you just accept what you’re getting now,” her alter ego questioned. “Do you always have to dump on the future? Especially as you’re no clairvoyant.”

  She twisted her mouth into an ironic smile and switched her thoughts back to the traffic, nose to tail in both directions as she reached the downtown core. The Toronto skyline from this vantage point looked impressive. Northward from the Lake, the imposing towers of Toronto’s business district attested to its position as Canada’s leading city. With the CN Tower dominating its neighbors, no one could mistake this place. She passed the Skydome on her left and thought how nice it would be one day, to take Tenille to a ball game.

  “She may never want to watch me play if I do that,” she speculated perversely.

  At King’s Quay she pulled into a parking bay close to the water’s edge, and strolled over to a picnic table, but decided to stretch out on the grass, under a big Maple. The yachts in the distance bobbed about like toy gulls, their white sails, wings taking advantage of the stiffening breeze. She too, appreciated its cooling freshness. This was one hell of a stinking, hot day.

  Getting onto Queen proved a more difficult accomplishment than she had anticipated, but once in the flow, impediments were minimal. It was just after five-thirty when she drove as slowly as possible past the Eaton Centre, craning her neck for a sight of Tenille. She would have to go up to Dundas and come round again.

  ‘I hope this plan is going to work,’ she breathed. It was getting past the time now. Would Tenille think something had happened to her? “No, no. She’s more sensible than that. She’ll know it’s rush hour,” she chided herself.

  Coming up closer, she spotted her, so keeping in the left lane
, slid smoothly into place. Quickly, Tenille was inside and Sidonie indicating to join the traffic. There was no let up in the steady stream, until a change in the lights gave her the break and they were off.

  * * *

  Robert showed them to their room which was a beautifully appointed, Victorian-style master bedroom. The decor had been completed with loving detail, even to puddling of the damask drapes at the big bay window. The double bed had an intricately carved, wooden headboard and the dark mahogany of the furniture, contrasted pleasingly with the blue and gold color scheme of the fabrics and walls. Tenille was delighted. There was even a 19th century duchess table, ready to receive her bits and pieces.

  A discrete knock at the door drew Sidonie. A complimentary glass of chilled, sparkling wine and a posy of flowers adorned a presentation tray. Feeling pampered, they sat together on the love seat sipping, as they caught up on the day’s events.

  ‘The morning went slowly and dragged and dragged ’til lunchtime. Monday often is a quiet day, so we occupy our time catching up on stock and re-ordering. I hate that part of it though. You have to spend all your time in the gloom of the basement.’ Her voice brightened as she savored another mouthful. ‘Interestingly enough, someone was in looking for shoes for Flamenco.’ She paused: ‘Don’t know if she’s joined Belen’s or Montserrat’s class.’

  ‘You feel happy here?’

  ‘Oh yes, very. Why do you ask?’

  ‘Just checking.’ This time she gave her a little kiss on the fullness of her cheek, then continued: ‘I have to shower and change. Do you want to go first? The washroom’s at the far end of the hall.’

  ‘I don’t mind. It might be a good idea. I have to do my face after.’

  Sitting back, Sidonie watched the process of getting together what was needed. It was hard to believe her good fortune … this most beautiful of women; her most absolute perfect ideal … and she was about to spend the next ten hours with her.

  Suddenly, an excited observation from Tenille: ‘Look. We’ve been given complimentary robes.’ as she withdrew a hanger from the closet, a gold embossed card attached. Two, pure white, fluffy, terry cloth robes had been waiting for them.

  She went off to her shower deep in thought. Tonight would be a defining moment in their lives. How she prayed she wouldn’t do, or say anything to upset this balance between them. Inescapable images of the girl pursued her as she soaped her body and scrubbed it to a glowing freshness.

  Sidonie had a great longing for her, it was like a tangible aura, making her own desire hard to control. But this time of anticipation should be savored, not squandered by hastiness. Her confidence in Sidonie was absolute, trusting her body to her implicitly, knowing she would come to no harm.

  The sting of the water jets was enjoyable as she rinsed off the suds and thought back to that time in her apartment, how she had missed out before. Now was her chance to make Sidonie feel so good; to explore her body, learn everything about her.

  Stepping out of the cubicle, a cool breeze from the window brought up goose bumps on her sensitive skin. This was such a bewitching time of day. The sun, yielding its dominance to the magical powers of the moon. The moon, every lover’s friend and confidante, providing night’s mystical shadows, making all things possible; giving even the most trepid of lovers the courage to pursue her course.

  Sidonie had laid out her clothes on the bed in readiness, and had the toiletries for her ablutions to hand, on Tenille’s return. A soft: ‘See you soon,’ as the door closed quietly.

  Tenille had dithered between being exposed, all bare arms and shoulders or covered up. Finally the decision had been to cover up. Everything she’d picked had been plain. Plain white crop top and matching cotton briefs. Another plain white cotton dress, this time in her favorite, crinkled Indian cotton. The top half had white satin embroidery across the bosom, with little brown buttons running through, which tucked into a salmon pink sash of the same fabric. This was wrapped around her waist several times, the ends falling with the fullness of the skirt. The dress finished in a deep flounce at mid calf. Sidonie liked her hair when it was off her face, so she pulled it back into a white on white, embroidered scrunchie, giving herself a centre part, the way she wore it for dancing, only this time it curled loosely to her shoulders.

  Now for the face. As she worked on her eyes, she noticed again Sidonie’s clothes on the bed. “What a contrast we’ll be,” she thought. She liked her colors, the forest green with black. She was glad now she had chosen white. She’d almost finished when Sidonie returned.

  ‘That’s a nice shower, don’t you think?’

  ‘Mm..m,’ she responded as she concentrated on her eyelashes. With her back to Tenille, Sidonie dressed quickly. She’d already gotten her underwear on so it didn’t take a moment to slip into the shirt and pants. When she turned around, she went over to the duchess and began to brush her hair with quick, deft strokes, leaving the front to fall across one eye and the sides to curve toward the centre at the back.

  She looked into the mirror at Tenille as she finished brushing and bending her head towards her whispered: ‘My, how beautiful you are.’

  Tenille returned her gaze, frozen for a moment in time, holding the brush in one hand and the mascara container in the other, their eyes locking as their hearts hammered. Sidonie broke the spell as she straightened up: ‘I have to pop down to see the guys. I’ll need them to give me a wake up call. Will you need one too?’

  Tenille considered. ‘Yes, I’d better.’

  ‘What time?’ her hand was already on the doorknob.

  ‘Make it seven, please.’

  ‘I’m on it.’

  Tenille picked up her rings and two gold bracelets. They were all good legacies from her marriage, but held no sentiment; items of adornment only.

  Surveying herself critically in the looking glass, she thought: “She thinks I’m beautiful. I wonder if she sees more in me than just my looks? I hope so.” A deep sigh. “Only time will tell.”

  With this she gave a mental shake and chided herself for her despondency when she should be happy. “Your moods never used to fluctuate like this, Tennie. What’s the matter with you?” Heavily, she pushed herself away from the table and rose from the stool.

  ‘I heard that,’ came Sidonie’s voice from the doorway: ‘Such a big sigh. Is everything all right?’

  ‘Oh yes. I just sigh sometimes. It doesn’t mean anything.’ Keen to deflect this attention she continued: ‘Is it time for us to go?’

  As Sidonie gave a quick glance at her watch, she noticed a pinkie ring on her left hand and stepped forward to give closer inspection. In so doing a beautiful aroma, very much to her liking, assailed her. The ring was silver, medium sized, fashioned of several intertwined bands. It suited her hand perfectly. Tenille made an observation to that effect, admiring its unusualness.

  ‘I’m glad you like it,’ she acknowledged modestly, ‘it’s Mexican. Shall we go?’ then smiled her pleasure.

  It was now seven o’clock. They could take their time walking down. She pictured the evening stretching ahead of them; the soft ambiance of the restaurant, conducive to quiet intimacy, providing a field of energy for their points of attraction. Tenille gave her such a feeling of centeredness. Nothing she could define, but she was more her ‘essential’ self with her, than at any other time.

  Work was fulfilling to a degree, but that represented only one facet of the personality that made up this person called Sid. Being with the gang was good, either on the sports field or in the bar, but again, she was still fragmented into the persona which suited that particular situation; that cohort of buddies.

  With Tenille, she was truly her whole self, capable and competent; cherishing and loving, her butchness appreciated and valued. Tenille enjoyed her difference, she had seen it in her eyes; had caught her looking … really looking. This felt the way it should be, she knew it. Just knew it. At times, least expected, her body would flame with desire. She smiled happily to herself.
Such moments were becoming more and more frequent between them, reinforcing her expectation that something exceptional was developing. She didn’t want this woman to slip away. She hoped; hope against hope that Tenille would feel how special it was for them. She believed she wasn’t interested in a novel experience, but didn’t know for sure. This night; this first night alone together, could be the turning point in her destiny. Everything had to go right. She felt fatalistic. If they hit it off; if she could be for Tenille what she needed, wanted; then this could be the beginning of forever. She sighed at the profoundness of her musings, thinking how unlike her to be so introspective. This time it was Tenille’s turn to reach across the silence and enquire if everything was all right. ‘You were so quiet, then such a big sigh,’ she observed.

  ‘Yes, my lovely, everything is all right, in fact … it’s perfect.’ She placed her hand gently on the back of Tenille’s neck and looked deeply into her eyes. Her senses reeled with the impact of this light caress on her skin. She couldn’t understand these reactions. Sidonie was not being sexual, only showing friendliness, but her body seemed to translate everything into an erotic experience. How many times now, had she told herself to get a grip? A woman of her age shouldn’t be behaving like some lovesick adolescent.

  As they approached the restaurant they could hear the sound of music and merry-making. Sidonie held open the door. The place was buzzing around the bar at the front, but looking through to the interior, vacant tables were in evidence. A slight young man with a beautiful tan smiled as he approached them and enquired if they were here for dinner. Sidonie gave her name and informed him of their reservation.

  ‘Ah yes; of course,’ he replied pleasantly as if he should have known all along. ‘You have this table up here, in the corner. I hope it suits.’