Outing of the Heart

by Lisa Ann Harper

  * * *

  Tenille stirred, hearing her mother’s voice: ‘I’ve brought you breakfast in bed, Tennie.’

  She stiffened, her heart suddenly banded in iron, heavy and cold, as she realized the significance of the situation. Her mother must be in the next room. “She’ll know I’m not in the bathroom,” she thought. What to do? This was awful. She clamped down on her panic. Sidonie still slept. Could she get out of bed and pretend to be visiting? But her crutches were over there. Damn this leg. “Sweet Mother of all, what shall I do?” she agonized.

  The decision was taken from her as Doris appeared in the doorway, her gaze steely, lips firm, looking at her daughter.

  ‘What is the meaning of this?’ she demanded in tense, furious tones. Sidonie stirred and was instantly awake. “Goddess Sophia.” she came round fast. “We’ve slept the night away.” She reached out for her watch on the night table. It was a quarter to eight. Then she too, sat up and looked uneasily at Mrs. Fenech, experiencing a sudden surge of prescient foreboding. Fortunately they were both still wearing their night attire so at least they were not naked in front of her, but in bed was bad enough.

  Tenille found her voice as she ran nervous fingers through her hair, but only to say: ‘Mom.’ Throat dry and constricted, she was filled with shameful humiliation under that stony stare. Her mother’s eyes never wavered from her daughter’s face.

  ‘I will see you downstairs,’ she commanded, then turned to the perpetrator of this monstrous affair. It would be she who was the instigator in all this. No doubt about that.

  ‘Young lady. I’ll thank you to pack your bags and leave this house – this morning.’ She wasn’t sure she could bring herself to address this person another moment but, thank God, she knew how to behave. ‘Mr. Fenech and I appreciate your driving our daughter home, but we need detain you no longer.’ With that she turned and left the room.

  * * *

  LETTER FROM DORIS TO CARMEL.

  27, Maple St.,

  Lindsay, Ontario.

  Sun. July 21st.

  Dear Carmel,

  It’s been an age since we were in touch. I miss the long chats we used to have. Still, it’s good to have a chance to sit and write you. Tennie’s been here four days now and is recuperating very well. I think the quiet pace of life is good for her, although she’s still looking rather pale. But then, she doesn’t go out much. It’s hard with the crutches anyway.

  I’d been looking forward to having this time with her but it’s not worked out as I’d hoped. Do you remember, Carmel, how she used to chat away? She was such a sunny child. Now it’s all different. We don’t have those lovely heart to hearts we used to enjoy so much.

  One of the reasons she’s been so quiet is because I had to send her friend away. I’ve been unable to bring myself to mention this to anyone, but I feel I can discuss it with you, you’ll understand. It was like this.

  The very first morning of Tennie’s stay here, I caught her in bed with that creature. I should have guessed when I first set eyes on her. She’s not our sort and completely unsuitable as a friend for my little girl. Anyway, I’d decided to take her breakfast up to her and, after I got no answer opened her bedroom door, only to find the bed was empty. I knew she wasn’t in the bathroom since Alex was there. I thought then she’d gone next door to chat with her friend and when I went to that room … well, there they were. I can tell you, I was horrified. To think poor little Tennie was being corrupted by such a woman. I’ve always protected her from the wicked ways of the world and then I discover this, under my very roof.

  Well Mel, you can imagine, my indignation knew no bounds and I ordered that tramp to leave immediately. She didn’t give me any trouble, I was thankful for that. Mind you, any cheek from her and she would have heard the sharp edge of my tongue. After she’d gone, I sought out Tennie and found her sitting under our big Maple, at the back. ‘We’ll, what do you have to say for yourself?’ I asked her. She didn’t say anything, Mel, just continued to stare at the ground. ‘Answer me,’ I demanded of her. At that she looked up and I saw a spark of defiance in her eyes and her words confirmed it. Do you know, Sis, she had the nerve to say to me, ‘I love her.’ Can you imagine, just like that. So belligerent.

  ‘You don’t know what you’re saying,’ I told her. ‘She caught you at a weak moment and has worked her evil influences on you.’ Mel, my feelings were running so strong, it was all I could do to control my voice and prevent it from becoming strident. I was that mad about the whole thing. A daughter of mine behaving in such a disgusting and unnatural way. She looked upset, but not repentant. Upset at being caught I suppose. Anyway, I continued trying to find excuses. I told her she was vulnerable after her accident and everything; probably didn’t know what she was doing. I did feel that removing her from that perverted influence would help her to see straight. I said: ‘Stop this nonsense Tenille and come to your senses.’ I was furious, I can tell you, but she just continued to sit and stare. I expected her to throw herself into my arms and beg for my forgiveness. I would have given it to her too, Mel. I was ready to help her back to the righteous path; welcome her back to the fold, but she showed no remorse – oh, except to say she was sorry I’d seen them like that, but not that she regretted being there, you know, in bed with a woman. I know she wasn’t there just for sleeping. I could tell how they were. It was disgusting and offensive.

  I’ve not told her father. He would be so distressed to think a daughter of his could behave in such a depraved manner. I can’t imagine where Tennie’s self respect could have gone, to let herself get involved with someone like that. Her other girl friends were never like this one. I’ll grant you she has a striking appearance, the most intense blue eyes you can imagine, but no class whatsoever. I knew I didn’t like her when first we met. Right from the beginning she seemed to have an unnatural power over Tennie. I could sense something between them, although I was unable to put my finger on it. Of course, now I know it was this deviate influence that she was practising on my innocent.

  The upshot of all this, however, is that Tennie keeps pretty much to herself. She doesn’t go visiting with me any more and sometimes it’s like I don’t have my daughter home at all. She reads a lot. To tell you the truth, we’re a sad household just now. I don’t feel at all well and I’m not sleeping nights. I don’t know if Alex suspects anything. He’s not mentioned that girl’s leaving, but you know how he is, never one to really express himself and he’d run a mile before he’d confront any issue. I could never count on him for active support. Generally he won’t openly oppose, but that’s not much help either, is it?

  Well Carmel, this has brought you up to date on our sad state of affairs here. I hope you and Roger are well and still enjoying your new house. Do write soon. I need to know what you think about all this, although I’m sure it’s just a temporary aberration and Tenille will come to her senses.

  Much love to you both,

  Doris.

  LETTER FROM TENILLE TO SIDONIE.

  27, Maple St.,

  Lindsay, Ontario.

  Tues. July 23rd.

  My darling Sid,

  How are you my love? I have to tell you, I am so torn apart over all this business. Your having to leave like that wrenched at my heart. To be separated so cruelly, I felt I would die. It’s hard to act normally with everyone when all I want is to be with you.

  Darling, I have been thinking and I know I can never live without your loving. I’m only half-alive when we’re apart. I want to be with you all the time. I am sure now, that I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I want, with all my heart, to give you happiness and to have you love me. This sad business has made me realize, more clearly than anything previously, that you, Sid, are my heart’s desire and the love of my life. Nothing and no one can change my mind or heart on this.

  Please tell me your feelings have not changed toward me. I know mother behaved insufferably. She can be very intolerant and dictatorial. But Sid, it’s more
because of her feelings for me than against you. I’m sure this is the way of it. I know it must be hard for you, but please try not to take her dismissal personally. I’m desperate that you know all this hasn’t turned me against you. Sid, I could say nothing that day you left and I know how miserable you must have been. But believe me, whatever my mother tries to do or say, (she’s forbidden me to ever see you again). she won’t be successful in changing my feelings for you.

  Since we can’t talk on the phone, (Mom would never let your call through), will you write me, care of my friend Kirstie, I’ll include her address with this. Kirstie is a very old friend. She’ll bring your letters to me.

  Actually, darling, I had wanted to write this sooner, but had no way of posting it before. This will be my first chance. We have a mailbox at the end of the street. When mom goes out, I’ll hop down to it. It’s quite a long distance, but I consider every step worth the effort.

  You know, it’s hard for me to say goodbye Sid, and this is true even in a letter. As I write, I feel so much closer to you and I hate to have to break the contact. Anyway, I regret I’ve had to wait so long to get this to you, but I have a chance to be out on my own this afternoon.

  I love you, my dearest, darlingest Sid, with all my heart.

  Your Tenille.

  PS. One day can we be together properly?

  PPS. I wrote this poem for you, with my love.

  People must be somewhere,

  This I know.

  Yet, when here I am alone,

  My spirit brought so low,

  Why is it you are there?

  The sun that warms the earth,

  Disdainful, in its course above,

  To bring us our sustaining weather,

  Shines alike on you,

  But not on both of us together.

  One look into those eyes

  Whose glances, my heart pierce,

  It’s hard to minimize

  A yearning that’s this fierce.

  The moon rides the night sky.

  In the heavens I see the stars,

  But on you they do not shine.

  So when I gaze, I sigh.

  For those you see, aren’t mine.

  How can I stand such torment?

  The pain of separation?

  To be with you is all I ask.

  Not this total desolation.

  If only I could place my lips to yours.

  Could feel the beating of your heart.

  Could press you close against my breast,

  No more to be apart …

  Ah then, my Love,

  Then would I be at rest.

  LETTER FROM SIDONIE TO TENILLE.

  Woodbine Racetrack.

  Rexdale, Ontario.

  Thurs. July 25th.

  Hi Babe,

  Your letter gave me so much happiness, you can’t imagine. (And your poem transported me to raptures). You’re right, I returned home that day never having felt more miserable in my life. I was a whole bundle of feelings on many different levels. It hurt having to obey your mother with dumb obedience, but I felt I couldn’t say anything in my defence. I didn’t want to risk making things worse for you. I understand when there’s only one child in the family, the parents take it much harder. You’re the sole object of her apprehension and as such, receive the full force of her anger and disappointment.

  I could see how distressed you were. I wanted to roll up into a small ball. Believe me, my love, it tore at the very centre of my being, to have to leave like that, unable to comfort you and yes … make a sincere vow at that moment that something like this would never happen to us again. One day we will be together properly, as you put it. We will look for a place of our own. Not to be dependent on renting a room somewhere. That’s not good enough for you. I want the best and if I can’t afford it now … after graduation, when I go into private practice, I’ll be able to give you all the things you’ve ever dreamed of. I swear it.

  After leaving you I drove straight back to the Residence. I hardly remember the journey. I was so miserable and could think only of that dreadful moment when your mother walked in and we were both immobilized. Frozen in horror was more like it. I felt so bad, not for myself, but for you. I knew instinctively what your mom’s reaction would be and I knew you’d recoil from the severity of her censure. (Although I have to admit, I had no idea of the strength of her religious beliefs at the time. I’d not heard much of that side of her nature from you before, or at least had not taken in the significance of her faith).

  Darling, I wanted nothing more than to bundle you up right there and then and take you with me, out of that house, but I feared you’d probably not come. Until your letter, I didn’t know if all this business had changed your feeling toward me. At that time I wasn’t sure if you could be suffering from self-loathing, as seen through your mother’s eyes. The thought crossed my mind you could be regretting your association with me. You see, you didn’t look at me when you got up and went to your room. You just left and I was alone, not sure what to do, except knowing I had to pack and leave. Once I’d collected my belonging, I felt I couldn’t go back.

  Leaving the house like that made me feel dirty, like I’d done something real bad. Ten, I know that loving you is exactly the reverse. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me and my love for you is pure, devoted and adoring. I know what I feel for you is good and when we’re together it feels so right. My world too, seems a better place when you are in it, where everything is possible and together we can accomplish great things. Without you I feel unsettled and uncentered, like a windblown flame. Being with you gives me an inner feeling of peace and of course, that inner excitement, which I love. No one has ever made me feel the way you do. It’s wonderful and I want it never to stop. I just can’t get enough of it and I can’t get enough of you. Please hurry and get well, my Sweetness. I could still look after you at your place, but I suppose now, more than ever, you’ll have to stay at your parents’. Your mother would never let you come back to me.

  My darling Ten, I’ll have to close. Thank you so much for your letter. You can’t know how awful it’s been, these last days, not hearing from you and being unable to call. It was like being set adrift on the open sea, alone and no land in sight, only my memories with their attendant fears, for company. They kept playing tricks on me until I was sure you hated me and would never want to see me again.

  My Angel, I love you. I’m missing you dreadfully. I count the days ’til we’re together again.

  Your devoted Sid.

  LETTER FROM CARMEL TO DORIS.

  Barkdene Hills Ave.,

  Scarborough, Ontario,

  Thurs. July 25th

  Dear Dorrie,

  Thank you for your letter. I was sorry to learn of the sadness visited upon you by this recent development. Roger and I have prayed for Tenille and hope that the power of the Lord will shine through and touch her that she may see the error of her ways. (I think you have no need to worry about her future, Dorrie). Tenille was a good wife to Jerred so I do believe this is just a passing thing.

  Aren’t there any nice young men you can introduce her to at church? Jerred was a nice man too, but let’s face it, he was that much older than Tennie and pretty set in his ways. Roger and I were not really surprised he proved too much for her, although I know you felt it was a good catch at the time. You weren’t to know how things would turn out.

  Well, that’s all behind us now. We’ve got to do what’s best for Tennie, to get her back on the right path. Would you like us to come visit this weekend? Our being there might help soften the atmosphere a bit. What do you say? You know we’ll do anything we can to help.

  Your loving sister,

  Carmel.

  Friday afternoon found Doris reading Carmel’s letter. There and then, she decided to give her a ring, too impatient to worry about timing. Carmel answered and hearing Doris on the line, remarked: ‘I guessed you’d ring. So you got my letter.’

  ‘Y
es, thanks, Mel. I think it would be a good idea to visit us for the weekend. Tenille is looking paler than ever with the circles under her eyes getting darker. I can’t do anything to get her out of this black mood. She’s not eating properly and is completely withdrawn, except for answering when spoken to. I feel so awful about it all. Things are not good here.’

  ‘Hang on, Dorrie. We’ll get everything back on track. How about I get Roger to drive us tonight after work. We’ll not stop for dinner and get to your place about eightish. How’s that? I think better than waiting ’til Saturday morning. Roger can catch up on his sleep when we’re there.’

  ‘Mel, you and Roger are good Samaritans.’ Doris felt the load lightening. ‘I’ll have to speak to Alex tonight and put him in the picture. I’m sure he must know something is amiss, but he’s not asked and I’ve not said. I’ll have something in the oven for you when you get here. This will be great. See you later.’

  Feeling better, Doris went out to Tenille who was sitting in her favorite place under the big Maple, Betsy at her feet. She looked up from her book at her approach.

  ‘What are you reading,’ she enquired affably.

  ‘It’s the history of the horse,’ Tenille responded. Her words were pleasant enough, but her voice was flat. ‘I thought I would find out more about such a beautiful animal. It has been the servant of man for so many centuries and yet, unlike other animals that man has domesticated, it still requires to be broken. Strange that, isn’t it?’

  ‘Tennie dear,’ Doris didn’t want to be distracted from her purpose, ‘I thought I’d let you know Carmel and Roger will be visiting us this weekend.’ She stopped and intently scrutinized the face before her. ‘That will be nice won’t it?’ She was hoping to see some of the old spark.

  ‘Yes,’ she replied then returned to her book.

  ‘You will … talk … to them, won’t you dear? I don’t want you … disappearing,’ she said hesitantly, diffidence in the interactions with her daughter beginning to show.

  ‘No Mom, I won’t … disappear,’ Tenille sighed. ‘It will be a pleasure to see them.’ She looked up at her mother, hovering over her.