Outing of the Heart

by Lisa Ann Harper

  ‘Truly,’ she added and smiled. Doris felt encouraged. ‘That’s my Tennie.’ She gave her shoulder a squeeze. ‘Want to give your mom a hand with supper?’ she asked hopefully.

  Tenille didn’t, she wanted to be left alone, but her mother had been trying so hard to make up for things, she felt obliged to be co-operative. Her distress in all this upset was deep and she herself felt badly at being its cause. Nonetheless, she felt she had every right to lead her life as she wished. It hurt deeply to see her mother like this. There was a time when they’d been much closer, but Doris expected too much of her. She just couldn’t live up to it. And now … the final blow. This was like a cleaver between them; conflict beating a more bitter note in her heart, but what could she do?

  She wanted to open up; would welcome the chance to tell of her joy and delight in her love for Sid, how wonderful and fulfilled she was. But fear wavered inside her, scraping her raw. Doris could not, would not listen. She could see no resolution. To her mother, it was all revolting; against the lord’s teaching and the Christian ethic.

  She exhaled a deep sigh and nodded to her mother. She would be along in a moment. Doris left.

  She withdrew the letter from her book and read it again, knowing the words off by heart, but liking to hold in her hands something Sidonie had touched. Especially, she loved the part where she had written: ‘You are the best thing that ever happened to me and my love for you is pure, devoted and adoring.’

  She stopped reading and held the letter against her bosom. An indefinable sense of melancholy invaded her spirit as her dreams stretched before her, seemingly forever unattainable, like a mirage.

  In the open air the garden was warm and scented. Reflected sunlight skimmed off the white, wrought iron table and lit up the color of each rose, as if from inside. A fresh breeze played amongst the Maple and Lime trees and snapped the Black-eyed Susans into a lively dance.

  Betsy lay contentedly on the grass, happily soaking up the sun, eyelids drooping sleepily. Her back was to Tenille, front paws placed either side of her head as she rested her chin between them. The steady rise and fall of her chest was having a soporific effect. Tenille looked up through the lacy canopy of leaves, rendered luminous by the filtered light, to the infinity of the crystal blue sky, her thoughts returning to Sidonie. She could see her face in close-up, the fine hairs running from above her ear down onto her cheek. She saw especially, the vivid cobalt of her eyes, with amber flecks like highlights, as they held her gaze. She could spend all her day looking. She was heartsore, so deep was her love. She heard her voice with its throaty laugh, saying in mock threat: “Wait ’til I get you alone, I’ll show you who’s boss.” The memory suffused her body with a hot rush, making her face glow and her heart beat faster.

  “My darling, why does time pass so slowly?” She let her hand drop and her head rest back against the seat, experiencing her sadness like a fist, clenched around her heart as her eyes misted. The heat of the day and her reverie filled her with lassitude, but she had to stir herself and go indoors.

  Doris had already started. She set her daughter to the cutting of vegetables, needed for a goulash. As she bent her hands to the task, she let her mind relive the conversation she’d had with her dad. He had noticed the desolation of her mood; had been concerned for her welfare. She was sitting in the living room, she recalled and he had come to her, taken her hands in both of his and said: ‘I hate to see my daughter so upset.’ He then asked gently if she could tell him what was troubling her. The concern in his bearing and the softness of his voice had undone her and she’d been unable to stem the tears that had flowed copiously down her cheeks. Through them she unburdened her heart and confessed to him her great love. She told him of the happiness and enchantment she experienced in her life now, since knowing Sid. It hadn’t been ’til later she’d realized the risk she’d run. He could have responded like her mother … with disgust, perhaps rejection even. She smiled to herself. He had sat there quietly, still holding her hands, eyes never moving from her face, at that time filled with anguish and despair.

  ‘Dad, I want so much to be with Sid,’ she disclosed. ‘I would like us to find a place and for us to share our lives. I want you and mother to be a part of our lives too, but I can’t see how any of this can be.’ She had taken a tissue from the proffered box and wiped her eyes. ‘Mom is so dead set against Sid. She thinks I’m just going through a weak period and that I’ll get over it.’

  She moved onto the next lot of veggies, as she remembered how vehemently she had declared that she wasn’t and wouldn’t. Alex had made no verbal response to this, just squeezed her hand in mute sympathy for her plight, a wealth of tenderness pouring from him. Not until she had finally talked herself out, had he counselled her with mature words of wisdom.

  ‘Tennie, from this perspective, everything looks disastrous and hopeless,’ he had said, then very seriously continued: ‘But with the passage of time, circumstances will change and you will be able to assess the situation, looking through a different lens. If you can try to take the long view … oh, I know that’s hard right now …’ and he never spoke a truer word she thought to herself, disconsolately: ‘ …you will be able to reconcile all the conflicting aspects.’ He had let go her hand at this juncture and gazed off into what seemed to be a middle distance. ‘Through life I have found this to be a method by which to manage many of the vicissitudes which have beset me. It has enabled me to keep a reasonable balance on things and prevented too heavy a swing either toward pessimism or optimism.’ He had stopped and looked back at her, bringing himself to the present and smiling with compassion.

  ‘You are young yet and I do realize that such counselling can seem empty to your youthful impatience, when everything has to be done yesterday, but believe me, daughter dear, if you can carry on in the ‘day-to-day’, the big issues will begin to sort themselves out.’

  Then he had changed his tack and asked how Sidonie was feeling about all this. She recollected on that day she had not known. This was part of her problem. She had had no chance to speak to her in private, but she knew she had been mad. Yes, angry more than hurt. Now she was aware she had been keeping herself strictly under control, not wanting her mother to take it out on her. Otherwise her volatile temper could get the better of her. She really appreciated that Sid’s first concern had been her well being. She had held herself on a tight rein, not giving in to pent up frustration or raw anger.

  As Tenille worked on, contemplating all these things, she came to realize the depth of character in her father. She regarded him with new respect and felt ashamed of her previous view of him as sweet, but ineffectual. She had seen him as taking the easy way, giving in to her mother. Sometimes it took more strength not to react. Now she appreciated his advice and the generosity of his sympathy. He’d probably not liked it any more than Doris, that her affections were being directed toward a woman, but he’d said nothing of his own opinion. He had tried, first and foremost, to understand where she was coming from; had refrained from passing judgement. Not as she had on him.

  ‘Have you finished the carrots yet?’ Doris’ voice reached her through a thick curtain.

  ‘Almost.’ Her hands had begun to slow down. This would be her mother’s way of bringing her back on track. ‘Auntie and Uncle are coming a long way just for the weekend, aren’t they?’ She made an attempt at conversation. “I must try,” she chided herself.

  ‘They may stay longer,’ Doris temporised. They heard the car. ‘You have a rest now, Tennie, I’m just going to have a word with Dad. Let him know they’ll be arriving.’

  After greeting her father, Tenille took herself off.

  Doris set drinks down on the coffee table and told her husband, rather officiously, she wanted to talk to him. ‘I got a call from Carmel today. She and Roger will be arriving later this evening, for the weekend.’ She let the words hang in the air, waiting for her husband’s reaction.

  ‘That’s all right, we have nothing on,’ his v
oice was measured, giving nothing away.

  ‘Yes,’ was all she could think of in reply to this. She would have to take the bull by the horns then. ‘They’re coming to help me deal with Tenille,’ her voice was almost a challenge.

  ‘Deal with Tennie. Whatever for?’

  That had gotten him going, she thought.

  ‘Haven’t you noticed how strained she’s been recently? I don’t seem able to get through to her. It’s since that creature left.’

  ‘By ‘creature’, do you mean Sidonie?’ Alexander turned to look squarely at his wife.

  ‘I do indeed. Alex … I have to tell you some horrible news.’ Doris drew in a deep breath and set her glass down. ‘I found them that morning in bed together.’ She looked sharply at him to observe his reaction, but there was not the shocked expression she had expected. She picked up her glass again: ‘Well, what do you have to say?’ she pursued, relentlessly.

  ‘Doris, I have nothing to say,’ Alex’s tone was adamant. ‘This is something she has to work out for herself. I hope, like you, it’s just a passing phase, but if it proves not to be so, well … Tenille is still my daughter and I’ll love her to my dying day.’ He now set his glass down carefully too and leaned back, crossing one leg over the other.

  ‘How can you countenance such behavior?’ Doris retorted, spiritedly. She was incensed by his unruffled calm. ‘It’s against all the Lord’s teachings and no way for a daughter of ours to behave. I don’t know what’s come over her. We brought her up to have good values in life.’ She drew a deep breath. ‘Besides, what would the neighbors think, Tenille keeping company with someone like that? She’s not even our social level.’ By now Doris was very red in the face and her voice beginning to rise.

  ‘Calm yourself, dear,’ Alex tried to quieten her. ‘It’s all right. If it’s what makes her happy, who cares what the neighbors think?’ He was beginning to lose patience with his wife, but he knew he must keep control. ‘Anyway, she’ll not be staying here. She’s most likely to live in the city.’ He took another swig of his rye, deciding to pursue his line while he had the floor. ‘I think Sidonie is a very nice girl. Yes, she’s been around a bit, but she’s got her head screwed on right.’

  ‘How can you say that, Alex? She’s cheap and common. It’s obvious her upbringing had no refinement.’ Doris stopped to draw breath and quickly, Alex cut in.

  ‘ …but it had plenty of love and she has lots to give. Ten would be well looked after by someone as caring as Sidonie,’ he declared.

  ‘She should have a man, like any other natural and normal woman. This attachment is against nature and all our Christian teachings. It’s not good for her,’ Doris ended forthrightly, so positive was she, she had right on her side.

  ‘Well, she thinks it is,’ he contradicted.

  Doris picked up on this, coming in scathingly with, ‘ …and how do you know what she thinks?’

  ‘We’ve talked,’ was all he said.

  ‘You talked?’ Doris’ voice filled with disbelief, then she became even more incensed. To think, the two of them talking tete à tete, behind her back … and Tenille wouldn’t say two words to her. This was infuriating. She put down her glass and turned her full attention on her husband.

  ‘When was this?’ speaking slowly and distinctly, a white ring circling her lips in her fury. Alex could see the gall was in her now and hated it.

  ‘Doris, I’m her father. I have every right to talk to her,’ becoming as heated as she.

  ‘I’m her mother. And you mean I haven’t?’

  ‘No I don’t mean that.’ He took deep breaths, trying to calm himself.

  ‘Doris, I’m being reasonable with you, but you are not. You’re twisting everything.’

  ‘I tell it like it is,’ she snapped, more angry by the moment. ‘From here I see a man who’s siding with his daughter against his wife.’ positively glaring at him now; a steely edge to her voice, eyes narrowed to slits. ‘You’ve always supported me in the past, why this change now?’

  Alex sighed: ‘We’re talking about Ten’s happiness and possibly her future, Doris. She’s going through a bad patch, that’s why she’s tense and strained. We need to support her all we can,’ he said reasonably, ‘not confront her as though she’s some sort of piranha. Roger and Carmel, trying to talk her out of this will only end up driving her away from us. You don’t want that, I know you don’t.’ Alex got up and went over to sit next to his wife. ‘Let’s just go gently.’

  ‘Oh, you’re so weak,’ Doris spat out, shaking her head in irritation. ‘You mean to do nothing, like always,’ she continued contemptuously. ‘Well, I intend to do something and if you’re not going to help me, then I’ll get Carmel and Roger to give me the support I need.’ Her eyes glittered as her resolve solidified. ‘The three of us will bring her back to the fold …’ she stood up and turned to leave, then looked back at him: ‘ …with or without your co-operation.’

  Alex, still sitting, sighed. She could be so stubborn at times. He knew it would be useless to try to reason with her when she was like this. There was a time when he would have matched her, shout for shout, but not now. It was best to let her cool down. Now he thought of the recovery period and no longer would risk saying things to be regretted later. Perhaps he could talk to her sister. He didn’t want her and Roger ganging up on Tenille and driving her beyond her ability to cope. She was a sensitive woman; easily hurt. He finished off his glass. He was not looking forward to this weekend.

  * * *

  Roger made good time, getting them to Lindsay at about nine o’clock. They felt travel weary after a full day, but were in good spirits. They were bent on the Lord’s work and embarked on that, there was no such thing as ‘too tired’. It was important to Doris; she’d lavished all her hopes and dreams on Tenille. When Tennie was little, she’d had a beautiful singing voice and she’d looked so cherubic, singing the old hymns with them. Doris had thought maybe there was a calling here for God’s work, but she’d turned away from the church in her teenage years. Look where that had gotten her.

  Whilst the two travellers ate, Doris filled them in on her exchange with Alex. He sat at the table too, but she spoke as though he were not there. After tolerating a fair amount of this, he interjected to remind them that what was best for Tenille was their love and support.

  ‘Don’t get me wrong, both of you, I dislike this state of affairs as much as you, but the situation exists,’ he stated firmly. ‘If it’s a passing thing, then we want to be here for her when the blinkers come off. If it’s not …’ he looked at each one, ‘ …then we can’t just turn our backs. Surely, that would not be the Christian way. So … why don’t we listen to what she has to say, then try to guide her gently, and hope she understands us, too?’

  They all sat silent, following these words, thinking over the part they could play in this drama. Eventually Roger took up the spokesmanship and suggested they wait ’til tomorrow and speak to Tenille then. It was late now.

  ‘I’ve tried talking to her, but she’s obdurate,’ Doris said, testily.

  ‘Let’s try tomorrow, Sis. It’s a week later and she’s had time to think things over.’

  LETTER FROM TENILLE TO SIDONIE.

  27, Maple St.,

  Lindsay, Ontario.

  Sun. July 27th.

  My darling Sid,

  How I wish I could be with you. I miss you so much. My happiness is you. Why does life have to be so complicated? Complicated and frustrating. Hurtful too. Darling, this is how it is.

  Right now life is intolerable to me, but I must stay, stuck on crutches and unable to do for myself. I’m dependent on mom and dad. Actually, dad is my guardian angel, so to speak. He let me talk to him and listened with great sensitivity. But now mom has enlisted my aunt and uncle and the three of them have been giving me the third degree. Yesterday Sid, you wouldn’t believe it. They were at me to explain myself and to say why I’d turned away from the path of right living. They’d brought me up to be God-fea
ring and why had I turned my back on all their teaching? I tried to explain that I’d not renounced the ‘golden rule’, but that I had this love for you. Oh my, they became so angry by that. They could hear nothing else but my ‘unnatural love’ for a woman. It got them so worked up; their voices rose and they talked over top of each other. In the end I had to give up trying to say anything. They wouldn’t listen. Finally, I told them I was going to my room and left the three of them staring after me. I guess they got the message that I wasn’t going to renounce you or deny my love for you. I did try to tell them that I’m still me, that I’m not a changed woman, but they would have none of it.

  So my dearest, I’ve been thinking. I know we haven’t talked about this yet but … do you think you could find a place for us? Somewhere in Toronto? I just can’t stand it here. Please say it’s possible. I know I’d get better faster if I were with you, than being stuck here.

  Please come and take me away, Sid. Not a moment passes, but I dream of the time we’ll be together; when you can look into my eyes and see how much you mean to me. I love you with all my heart and body.

  Sid, I am yours always.

  Tenille.

  Sidonie finished reading this letter and let out a long breath. She had to make her move and fast. Slipping it into the back pocket of her shorts, she drove straight away downtown to the Women’s Bookstore on Harbord Street. She would speak to Chrysta.

  She had known Chrysta Purdom only a short time, but they had clicked right away. Kindred spirits with like minds. Chrysta had been working at the bookstore for two years, developing an extensive network of women’s organizations and self-help groups. After listening to Sidonie’s story, it was in the post-prandial lull before the second wave of browsers, she promised to get on to it. She knew someone at the community co-operative near Mount Sinai Hospital. Sidonie should call her the next day.