My Heart Goes Bang

by Keris Stainton

  ‘You can put her down now,’ Lou told the guy carrying Issey.

  ‘Can’t he take me up to bed?’ Issey mumbled.

  ‘I can, yeah,’ the guy said.

  ‘No you can’t,’ Liane told him. ‘Put her down.’

  He put her down gently and she immediately curled around Liane.

  ‘Thanks,’ Ella told him.

  He gave her a thumbs-up and then the three of them joined the queue to get into the club opposite.

  ‘This key had better fucking work,’ Lou said, shoving it into the lock. It turned straight away. She bumped the door open with her hip and all five of them tumbled inside the house.

  ‘Are you holding my hair?’ Issey asked, turning to try to look at Liane.

  ‘Yes. I think you got a bit of sick in it anyway,’ Liane said. ‘But I’m holding it now.’

  Issey retched and lurched over the toilet bowl again. ‘I hate being sick.’

  ‘I don’t think anyone likes it,’ Liane said. She moved to put her hand on Issey’s forehead, but pulled it back at the last second. ‘Are you nearly done?’

  ‘I think so,’ Issey said. She sat back on her heels, bracing herself against the sink. ‘I feel like shit.’

  ‘I’m not surprised.’ Liane was far from sober too, but Issey had drunk so much more.

  ‘Sorry.’

  ‘You’d do the same for me.’

  ‘I don’t think I would,’ Issey said. ‘I think I’d leave you to get on with it. Oh fuck. I think there’s more.’ She lurched over the loo again and Liane held her hair back from her face.

  Once she’d finished vomiting, Issey sat down on the tile floor, her back against the side of the bath.

  ‘Did you have a good night though?’ Liane asked, shuffling along the floor to sit next to her. Issey’s bare arm was cold against hers. Liane thought about moving it away, but she was determined they were going to carry on as they’d been before. Neither of them had mentioned the kiss. Liane was trying hard to never think about the kiss.

  ‘Come on, get up,’ Liane said. ‘You’re freezing.’

  ‘Can I sleep with you?’ Issey asked, dropping her forehead down on Liane’s shoulder. ‘I’m really cold.’

  Liane stared at the wall. She didn’t want to look at Issey. ‘I think you’re better off in your own room. You might vom.’

  Issey nodded. ‘Yeah. OK.’

  Chapter 26

  Ella saw Nick through the window of the cafe. He was looking down at his phone and his glasses had slid down his nose. As she watched, he pushed them up, and something unfurled in Ella’s chest. She liked him. She really liked him.

  As she pushed open the door, he looked up and his face transformed into an enormous smile. She grinned back and bumped into a table in her eagerness to get to him. She apologised to the two women sitting there, squeezed through the gap, and then she was standing right in front of Nick.

  ‘Hey,’ he said, looking up at her.

  ‘Hi.’ She thought about kissing him, but instead she curled her hand around his cheek, fingers brushing over his jaw, thumb pressing into his dimple. He smiled wider.

  ‘You missed me,’ he said. ‘I can tell.’

  ‘I didn’t,’ she said, sitting down opposite him, even though she wished she could sit next to him and press into his side, maybe hook one leg over his thigh. ‘I was much too busy.’

  ‘Oh, me too,’ he said, passing her the menu. ‘It was wall-to-wall parties. But in the occasional quiet moments in between, I think I missed you a bit. Just a bit.’

  Ella grinned. They’d texted a lot in the few days they’d been away. They’d texted and called and whatsapped and facetimed. But she’d missed him anyway. More than she’d expected.

  While the waitress was taking their order – a bacon butty for Nick and smashed avocado on soda bread for Ella – Nick inched his hand across the table until his little finger was curled around Ella’s. When the waitress had gone, Ella turned Nick’s hand over and rubbed his palm with her thumb.

  They were still smiling dopily at each other – Nick’s ankles linked around Ella’s under the table – when their food arrived.

  ‘Why did you let me get so drunk last night?’ Issey asked Liane as they crossed Bold Street towards the coffee shop.

  Issey had drunk a pint of water and close to a pint of tea, and taken two paracetamol, but her head was still banging, so when Liane suggested popping over the road to Bean, she was all for it.

  ‘I’m not your mum,’ Liane said. ‘And you don’t take any notice of me.’

  ‘It was a good night though, wasn’t it?’ Issey said. ‘Until the puking.’

  ‘It was,’ Liane said.

  She pushed open the door and Issey followed her in. It was much warmer inside, the windows were all steamed up and the scent of coffee beans almost overwhelming.

  ‘Oh my god,’ Issey said. ‘I knew I needed a coffee, but I didn’t know just how much I needed a coffee until right now. No one’s ever needed a coffee as much as me.’

  ‘Sit down,’ Liane said, laughing as she pointed to a table near the back of the shop. ‘I’ll get you a coffee. Jesus.’

  Issey sat down and fiddled with the sugar sachets as she rolled her shoulders back and stretched her neck, listening to it crackle. She needed a new pillow. Liane’s pillows were better. She definitely slept better in Liane’s bed. But obviously Liane hadn’t wanted that last night. She’d said it was in case Issey was sick – which was a legitimate concern – but Issey knew it was probably also because they hadn’t talked about the kiss.

  But maybe they were going to talk about it now. If Liane didn’t mention it, Issey could. She could say it didn’t have to mean anything. They could just forget about it and never speak of it again. But maybe Liane didn’t really want that? Issey really had no idea.

  ‘He’s bringing them over,’ Liane said, sitting down opposite Issey. ‘Don’t look. But the guy … the barista? The black guy?’

  Issey turned to look.

  ‘I said don’t look!’

  Issey rolled her eyes. ‘Obviously I was going to look. He’s cute. Do you know him?’

  ‘He comes into the shop sometimes. He’s lovely. I’m going to ask him out.’

  The sugar sachet Issey had been fiddling with ripped in half and sugar tumbled over the table.

  ‘Shit,’ Issey said, gathering it into a pile with the side of her hand.

  ‘Hey,’ Alfie said, appearing at the side of the table and putting a tray down between Issey and Liane. ‘Don’t worry about that. I’ll get a cloth.’

  He put Issey and Liane’s coffees down in front of them, along with a glass of water each, and picked up the tray.

  ‘I’ll just be a sec,’ he said.

  ‘What do you think?’ Liane whispered to Issey, leaning forward over the table, one of her curls dangling dangerously close to her coffee.

  ‘He’s cute,’ Issey said. ‘He’s got dimples.’

  ‘Right?’ Liane said. ‘And a gorgeous smi—’

  She cut herself off because Alfie was back. He wiped the table, picked up the empty wrapper, gestured at the coffees and said, ‘Enjoy!’

  ‘So?’ Liane said, once he’d left for the second time.

  Issey thought that one of them should mention the kiss. Issey thought that was maybe, possibly – and aside from her hangover – why they’d come to the coffee shop in the first place. Issey thought they were probably never going to talk about it now. They’d go back to being friends and Liane would start going out with Alfie and it would just be this thing that had happened that neither of them ever acknowledged. Issey thought she should probably just accept that and stop being such a needy dick about it.

  ‘I think you should go for it,’ she said.

  Lou found that she was constantly looking for Kyle now. She was always aware that he could be somewhere nearby, watching her. She hadn’t even seen him or heard from him since Christmas, so she tried to tell herself she was just being paranoid, but j
ust knowing that he was here in Liverpool was enough.

  Most of the Austen lecture had passed her by because she thought Kyle was sitting down near the front – a skinny guy with black leather jacket and cropped hair. Literally the only bit of the lecture she’d paid attention to was when the tutor had read ‘Why do I not see my little Fanny’ and brought the house down. It was only when the lecture was over and everyone started filing out that Lou realised it hadn’t been Kyle at all. It was a mature student, with a close-cropped beard and glasses, not remotely like Kyle. She’d had to grab someone from her seminar group and beg to borrow their notes.

  She sat in the cafe now, looking out of the window at the drizzle, a limp cheese sandwich and weak tea on the tray in front of her. She knew she should talk to someone about it. Knew she shouldn’t carry on like this. She’d promised her mum she’d report it. But. She hadn’t heard from him. So maybe he’d accepted it and just … stopped. It was possible. He could’ve met someone else. Or just got bored. She hoped it was the latter. She didn’t wish him on anyone else.

  The boy was in the library again – the one who’d helped Issey pick up the books after she’d knocked them all off the shelf last term. He was sitting at one of the computer desks, his elbow on the desk, chin on his hand, staring at the screen. There was no way Issey was going to get his attention unless she actually walked right up to him, and she wasn’t planning on doing that.

  Instead, she walked over to one of the bigger tables and spread her books and notebook out in front of her, along with her water bottle and phone, remembering (for once) to put it on silent.

  She was halfway through noting down her highlights from the Social Psychology lecture when a shadow fell over her books. She counted to three before looking up. It was him.

  ‘Hey,’ Mickael said.

  ‘Hi,’ Issey said, smiling. He was cute. Actually cuter than she’d remembered. Since she’d last seen him, his face had become a bit vague and unformed in her mind. She’d remembered his jacket, his hands when he’d passed her the books she’d knocked down, even the way his hair fell over his face, but she hadn’t been able to picture his actual face. It was nice.

  ‘We go for drink?’ he said, one eyebrow raising hopefully.

  Issey wasn’t sure about that. What would they talk about? How would they talk? But she didn’t know what else they could suggest – the cinema would be a plan, but that seemed like something you’d suggest in advance. Instead they walked to the nearest bar. There was an outside terrace, but it was packed with smokers, so they pushed their way inside. Inside was less busy, but much noisier. The music was loud and the ceilings were high so the sound of glasses and talk was amplified.

  ‘Beer!’ Issey yelled into Mickael’s ear and watched him walk up to the bar.

  Issey got her phone out while she was waiting. Nothing from Liane. Which was what she expected – they’d hardly messaged at all since The Kiss – but she was still disappointed. And confused. The kiss had been amazing. And if Liane wanted more, Issey thought she would definitely be up for more. But if Liane didn’t want more … if Liane wanted Alfie … then she wanted her friend back.

  But if they weren’t going to talk about it, maybe that wasn’t going to happen. She couldn’t think about that, though. Not now.

  Mickael came back with their beers and leaned up on the pillar next to her, clinking the necks of the bottles together. Issey drank too much too quickly, some of the liquid spilling down her chin. Mickael reached out and brushed her chin and bottom lip with his thumb, the rest of his hand curled around her cheek.

  ‘Ohh,’ Issey breathed.

  Mickael was still looking at her mouth, his hand still on her face. Issey tipped her face up and his mouth was on hers, his tongue pushing straight in. Issey slipped one hand into his hair, partly to push him back a little since she couldn’t pull away because her head was pressed against the pillar. Mickael sucked on her bottom lip and she turned her body to press up against him.

  Mickael curled one arm around her neck and tipped his head back to drain his beer. Issey pressed her mouth to the side of his neck. He smelled really good. She curled her hand in the front of his T-shirt..

  ‘We go, yes?’ Mickael said.

  Issey nodded. She felt almost dizzy. Mickael kept his arm around her as he guided her through the bar and out onto the street. They made it as far as the next building before Mickael pressed her up against the doorway, his hips pushing into hers, one hand sliding up under her top, thumb brushing over her nipple.

  ‘God,’ Issey gasped. ‘My place, yeah?’

  Mickael looked at her quizzically and Issey thought about getting her phone out, bringing up Google Translate, trying to explain, but instead she just grabbed his hand and tugged him towards the traffic lights. He came easily.

  Liane was on her third coffee when she finally approached Alfie. And she’d lost count of how many times she’d been into Bean and failed to approach him. It was a good job she had a loyalty card. He’d served her the first two times, but apart from ‘Hey, how are you?’ and ‘Good, thanks’ they hadn’t exactly chatted. Now her hands were shaking and her mouth was dry (despite the coffees) and she was standing at the counter staring at him in his apron. With his dimples. And that smile.

  ‘Same again?’ he said.

  He was looking straight at her. She knew he was one of those people who always gave you their full focus. She liked that. Although it also made her feel too much. Like she had nowhere to hide. But she didn’t want to hide, did she? That was the point.

  ‘No,’ Liane said. And then cleared her throat and tried again. ‘No. Thanks. I was just wondering …’

  An alarm sounded – short beeps – and Alfie frowned and said, ‘Just one sec,’ before turning and doing something with a piece of machinery behind him.

  ‘Sorry about that,’ he said, turning back. His hands were on the counter in front of him, fingers spread. He had really nice hands. Liane needed to not be looking at his hands.

  ‘That’s OK,’ she said. ‘I was just wondering if, um …’

  ‘We don’t have any vacancies, I’m afraid,’ Alfie said. ‘But if you’ve got a CV –’

  ‘No, no, it’s not about a job.’

  ‘Oh!’ Alfie said. ‘Yeah, sorry. You work in Tesco, right?’

  ‘I do, yeah.’ Liane was slightly disappointed that he only just seemed to have realised where he knew her from, but still. At least he knew her. ‘I sold you the Phish Food.’

  Alfie frowned, as if he wasn’t sure what she was referring to, and then his face broke into a smile. ‘Course, yeah. So how can I help?’

  She took a deep breath and balled her hands into fists. ‘It’s not that. I was wondering if you’d like to go for a drink with me sometime?’

  His eyes went wide. ‘Oh. Right. Thanks. That’s … I …’

  There was a customer behind Liane now. She wished they’d go away.

  ‘I actually have a girlfriend,’ Alfie said.

  ‘Right,’ Liane said. ‘Of course you have. Sorry. It was just … my friend Paige works in the White Rose? You know, on the corner?’ She was babbling. She couldn’t seem to stop. ‘So I just thought … But, yeah, OK. Never mind.’

  Alfie smiled. Kindly. He was so nice. Liane wanted to die.

  ‘Did you want another latte?’ he said. He lowered his voice, dipping his head. ‘On the house?’

  Great. A pity latte.

  ‘No. Thanks,’ Liane said. ‘I think I’ve had enough caffeine for one day. I’m just going to … bye.’

  She managed to make it out of the coffee shop before she started to cry.

  Issey had folded her tenner into a fan and when the other girls joined her in the lounge, they found her lying back on the sofa, flapping her face with it.

  ‘The guy didn’t speak English?’ Lou asked, snatching the tenner from between her fingers and crossing the room to find the pot with the Fuck It List money in.

  ‘Yup,’ Issey said.

  �
��How was it?’ Ella asked, lifting Issey’s legs so she could sit down. Issey held them in the air for a few seconds then dropped them down on Ella’s lap.

  ‘It was good. We didn’t need words. We spoke the language of lurve.’

  ‘Christ,’ Lou said, flopping down on the other sofa. ‘You’re as bad as Ella.’

  ‘How is Nick?’ Issey asked Ella.

  ‘Lovely,’ Ella said, the human version of the heart-eyes emoji. They all laughed.

  ‘Are you going to see him again?’ Lou asked Issey.

  ‘Nah,’ Issey said. ‘No point. We can’t talk to each other so what would we do?’

  ‘The thing you already did?’ Lou suggested. ‘You don’t need to donate a tenner every time.’

  ‘It wasn’t that good,’ Issey said. ‘Not good enough to postpone the rest of the list. But, you know, if we’re ever both at a loose end …’

  ‘You’ll have another go on his loose end?’ Lou said, reaching for the remote.

  ‘Tight end,’ Issey said. ‘Very tight end.’

  ‘What’s happening?’ Liane said, walking in and straight across the room to close the balcony door, to keep out the cold air.

  ‘Issey pulled,’ Lou said.

  ‘Yeah?’ Liane stayed over by the door, her hands in her pockets.

  ‘Someone who doesn’t speak English,’ Ella said. ‘So she’s ticked that one off.’

  ‘And paid up,’ Lou said.

  ‘Great,’ Liane said tonelessly.

  Issey’s stomach felt twitchy. She wanted to curl over herself. She really wished Liane hadn’t walked in right then.

  ‘How about you, Li?’ Lou asked Liane. ‘Any prospects?’

  Issey looked at Liane, who looked as uncomfortable as she felt.

  ‘There’s this guy John in my Victorians class. He’s a mature student. Kind of hot.’

  ‘You’ve already ticked off someone twice your age, haven’t you?’ Ella said.

  ‘Yeah,’ Liane said, her eyes flicking to Issey and then back to Ella. ‘But he invited us over at the weekend. A few of us. He’s got a flat in Albert Dock. I think he used to work in IT or something. Seems like he’s got a bit of money.’