My Heart Goes Bang

by Keris Stainton

  ‘So you’re going to go?’ Lou said.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Not just you, though?’ Ella asked.

  ‘No,’ Liane said. She’d taken one of her hands out of her pockets and was chewing at the skin around the nail. ‘A few of us. Like, I dunno, six of us, maybe? Violet and Matt from my seminar group, I think.’ She glanced at Issey, but Issey was staring down at her phone.

  ‘Good,’ Lou said. ‘Like, I don’t want you to go round to some random bloke’s house and get murdered.’

  Liane rolled her eyes. ‘I won’t get murdered.’

  ‘Probably,’ Ella added.

  ‘Ring me,’ Issey said, before she could stop herself. ‘So I know that you haven’t been … you know.’

  Liane nodded. ‘I will. But I’m sure it’ll be fine.’

  ‘If you do get murdered,’ Lou said, ‘can I have your room?’

  Chapter 27

  ‘Am I first?’ Liane said, as she followed John into the flat. She actually felt slightly apprehensive. Bloody Issey and her murder jokes.

  ‘No, no,’ John said. ‘Matt’s in the loo.’

  Matt was in their seminar group too, but Liane hadn’t really spoken to him. He seemed nice though. Quiet.

  The flat was much smaller than Liane had expected. And plainer. White walls, boring beige carpet and curtains, no pictures or plants or homely touches. The view over the dock from the end of the room was the only interesting thing. John looked the same as he did at uni – slightly scruffy in well-worn jeans and a baggy black jumper, hair all over the place. The only difference was that he’d shaved and he wasn’t wearing shoes. He was hot at uni and possibly even hotter at home. Not as hot as Alfie, but Alfie wasn’t interested, and maybe John was.

  Matt came out of the bathroom, Violet arrived, and John brought them all drinks, before disappearing into the kitchen again. Liane, Matt and Violet wandered over to the balcony, looking out across the dock to the Liver Building.

  ‘Has he invited any other mature students, do you know?’ Violet asked. One of her plastic extensions was hanging partly over her face. Liane wanted to put it back in its rightful place.

  ‘Dunno,’ Matt said. ‘Why? You worrying he actually wants to harvest our youthful organs or something?’

  Violet laughed and Liane noticed she had a tongue stud. ‘No. I mean … probably not, no. But it’s a bit weird, isn’t it?’

  ‘My friend was worrying I was coming here to get murdered,’ Liane said. ‘Actually, I should probably text her. She’s a bit melodramatic, she’ll be calling the police if she doesn’t hear from me.’

  Liane tapped out a text, feeling slightly guilty for taking the piss out of Issey behind her back. But honestly.

  ‘My mum made me promise I wouldn’t go anywhere on my own,’ Violet said. ‘Before I came to uni, I mean. Like, literally anywhere. How would that even work?’

  They sat out on the balcony for a while, looking down at the dock and talking about university, but when Liz, another mature student, arrived they moved back inside.

  Liane thought she should probably go home. It was all a bit weird. She didn’t really know these people, didn’t think they had much in common, but then Violet started telling a story about her first year and John kept bringing out more beers and she just slumped back against the sofa and relaxed.

  ‘Do you think this whole thing was just because he fancies Liz?’ Violet whispered to Liane. They were out on the balcony so Violet could smoke, the door mostly closed.

  Liane peered inside before reaching out for Violet’s cigarette. She handed it over without questioning it.

  ‘They are sitting very close together,’ Liane said. ‘But why wouldn’t he just ask her out on her own?’

  ‘Maybe he was nervous,’ Violet said. ‘He was married before and I don’t think it ended very well.’

  Liane nodded. ‘This is still a bit weird, though. I mean, if she likes him too what are they going to do, ask us all to leave so they can get it on?’ She blew out some smoke.

  Violet laughed. ‘We just need to make sure we all leave until it’s just them.’ She took her phone out and squinted at the screen. ‘It’s already eleven, actually. I need to go soon.’

  ‘Shit,’ Liane said. ‘I need to make sure I ring my friend.’

  ‘So she knows you’re not murdered,’ Violet said, nodding. ‘I mean, they do call me Violent.’

  Liane laughed. ‘I don’t think it was you she was worried about.’

  ‘Well, that’s sexist.’ Violet took the cigarette back from Liane and took a long drag. ‘Women can be murderers too.’

  Liane let out a bark of laughter and raised one fist. ‘Girl power.’

  Violet laughed so much she started coughing. Liane thumped her on the back.

  ‘It’s true though,’ Violet said once she’d recovered. ‘That whole virgin/whore thing boils my piss.’

  Liz and John both got up and left the room.

  ‘Are they going to shag?’ Matt asked, too loudly.

  Liane and Violet both laughed and shushed him.

  ‘I think so,’ Violet said. ‘But maybe not now. That would be rude.’

  Liane started to laugh, imagining the three of them sitting there on the sofa while John and Liz shagged in the next room. Liz came back and sat down on the edge of the other sofa. She looked nervous, fiddling with her bracelet and biting her lip. Liane realised she’d seen her doing that at university too.

  ‘You OK?’ she asked her.

  Liz nodded. ‘Just … I don’t really do this. Drinking. Or smoking. Or … dating.’

  Violet snorted, and Liane shoved her with her elbow.

  John came back with a small rectangular Tupperware box of weed and started rolling.

  Liane needed to ring Issey before she started smoking. She’d never remember once she was high.

  John rolled two spliffs and lit them, handing one to Matt and offering the other to Liz.

  ‘You first,’ she said.

  ‘Do you want to go first?’ Violet asked Matt.

  ‘I don’t know what to do,’ Matt said.

  ‘Just, like … like a cigarette,’ Violet said.

  ‘I’ve never smoked a cigarette either,’ Matt said.

  ‘Fucking hell, Matt,’ Liane took the spliff from between his fingers. ‘Who even are you? Were you just hatched or something?’

  ‘I’ve got really strict parents,’ he said.

  Liane lit the spliff and leaned closer to him, holding it up just in front of her own lips. ‘So you put it in your mouth, yeah. And then you breathe in. Gently. Or you’ll choke yourself. Do that.’

  She put the spliff between Matt’s lips, holding his face still with her other hand. His eyes went wide.

  ‘Breathe in,’ she said.

  He sucked in a breath, choked, and yanked the spliff out of his mouth as he coughed.

  ‘That always happens,’ Violet said, as Liane took the spliff from his hand.

  ‘Fuck,’ Matt gasped.

  ‘What if I did it for you?’ Liane suggested.

  ‘Fucking hell,’ she heard Violet say.

  ‘What? It’s easier, particularly your first time. That’s how I –’

  ‘No,’ Violet said, nudging her. ‘Not that.’

  Liane turned to look at Violet, but she didn’t even need to because as soon as she looked away from Matt, she spotted what Violet was referring to: John and Liz grappling with each other on the opposite sofa.

  ‘That was fast,’ Matt said.

  ‘Nicely done with the weed, John,’ Violet said.

  John didn’t respond, just pressed even closer to Liz, who was already slipping down the sofa onto her back.

  ‘Are you going to do the thing?’ Matt said.

  ‘Eager,’ Liane said, taking a drag herself.

  ‘I just … I might not get another opportunity. So I want to make sure that I, you know, have a go.’

  ‘Right,’ Liane said. ‘Hold still, OK. Open your mouth a little.�
��

  She held his jaw with her hand again, using her thumb to drop his mouth open. She inhaled and then pressed her lips up to Matt’s – not properly touching, but only a hair’s breadth away. And then she breathed out. She watched Matt’s eyes widen and then the lids drop. He tipped his head back against the sofa cushions.

  ‘That was better,’ he said.

  ‘Well, you’re not coughing up a lung,’ Liane said.

  She took another drag. She could already feel it flowing through her blood. Her limbs felt heavy. And, as usual, she was starting to feel horny.

  ‘Do me,’ Violet said.

  Liane tried to hand the spliff back to her, but Violet ran one hand down her arm.

  ‘No, do me. The same.’

  ‘Oh shit,’ Liane said. ‘OK.’

  Violet was sitting up straight, her legs crossed underneath her, hands resting on a cushion in her lap.

  ‘You ready?’ Liane said.

  Violet nodded, staring at her mouth.

  Liane clambered up onto her own knees on the sofa and braced herself with one hand behind Violet on the wall. She breathed in, leaned in, breathed out into Violet’s mouth. She could smell beer on her breath, along with faint traces of her perfume – a Thierry Mugler one she wasn’t sure she liked.

  ‘More,’ Violet said.

  ‘Fuck,’ she heard Matt murmur.

  Liane did it again. She was about to move back to Matt when she felt Violet’s fingers in her hair, tugging her closer. She closed her eyes and let herself be pulled the short distance to Violet’s lips. They were soft and Liane felt a throb of arousal. She half wanted to swing one leg over and straddle Violet’s lap, but instead she opened her mouth and slipped her tongue along the underside of Violet’s bottom lip. Violet moaned into her mouth and Liane heard Matt say ‘Oh shit.’

  She laughed against Violet’s lips and opened her eyes long enough to see Violet grinning back at her. She closed them again and saw Issey. Shit.

  ‘Can I …’ Matt said and Liane felt him take the spliff from between her fingers. Which was probably for the best – she could quite easily have dropped it and set the sofa on fire.

  She kissed Violet again, moving her free hand up to stroke her face, her thumb slipping over her bottom lip.

  ‘You’re a good kisser,’ Violet mumbled.

  ‘Could you …’ Matt said. ‘Could I … I feel like a bit of a spare prick right now.’

  Liane leaned back. ‘Shit, yeah. Sorry. Are they still …?’

  She sat back down on the sofa and looked across at Liz and John. Liz was on her back now, John half on top of her, his hand pushed up under her top.

  There was a knock at the door.

  ‘Shit,’ Liane said. ‘Are we being loud?’

  There was music on, but only quietly, as they’d turned it down a while ago.

  ‘Ignore it,’ John said, his face buried in Liz’s neck.

  There was another knock. This one harder and louder.

  ‘Should I get it?’ Violet said.

  Liane glanced over at John and Liz again.

  ‘I can’t really … I’ve got a bit of a …’ John said, half turning on the sofa and gesturing at his crotch. Liane could see Liz’s hand was inside the front of his trousers.

  ‘That escalated quickly,’ Violet said and Liane laughed.

  ‘I’ll go,’ Liane said, shuffling to the edge of the sofa and using Matt’s knee to push herself up.

  She wobbled for a second, but took a breath and then a step. On the way to the door, she thought about how weird it was that she was somehow in this situation with these people she barely knew but saw almost every day. As she got to the door, she realised she still had the spliff in her hand and that it could, theoretically, be the police at the door.

  ‘Hang on,’ she said, knocking on the door from the inside. And then detoured to the kitchen and dropped the spliff down the sink.

  Whoever was out there hammered on the door again – it sounded like both hands this time – and Liane said, ‘Hang ON!’ again as she headed back from the kitchen and turned the lock, opening the door to find Issey.

  ‘Are you OK?’ Issey said immediately.

  ‘M’fine,’ Liane said. She couldn’t quite work out what the other girl was doing there. They weren’t in their house, were they? No. They were in Albert Dock. It wasn’t that far from Bold Street, but it was far enough. And it was the middle of the night. ‘Are you?’

  ‘You were supposed to ring me!’ Issey said.

  ‘Ohhhh,’ Liane said, resting her head – which suddenly felt quite heavy – against the door jamb. ‘I forgot. Sorry.’

  ‘Have you taken something?’ Issey said.

  ‘Can you come in?’ Liane heard John say, presumably still from the sofa. ‘The neighbours –’

  ‘Come in,’ Liane said, reaching for Issey’s elbow and pulling her inside, before closing the door quietly behind her.

  ‘I was really fucking worried,’ Issey said, her mouth close to Liane’s ear. It reminded her of Violet. Of kissing Violet. Which reminded her of kissing Issey. She couldn’t think about kissing Issey.

  She looked over at the sofa where Matt and Violet were kissing each other. John and Liz were still lying down on the other sofa, but her hand was out of his pants, at least. Both of her hands were now on his arse.

  ‘What the fuck?’ Issey said.

  ‘It’s OK,’ Liane told her. ‘They’re all good.’

  ‘But …’ Issey said. She was standing in the middle of the room, next to the coffee table, turning slowly in a circle. ‘What have you –’

  ‘We had a few drinks,’ Liane said. ‘And then we smoked some weed. Oh fuck, I dropped it down the sink.’

  ‘Can we go?’ Issey asked Liane. ‘This is fucking weird.’

  ‘It’s not,’ Liane said. ‘It’s fine. But yeah. I’ll find my coat.’

  ‘On my bed,’ John said. ‘Past the kitchen.’

  ‘What even was that?’ Issey said once they were outside.

  It had obviously rained at some point during the evening, because the cobbles were wet and slippy. Liane hooked her arm through Issey’s to make sure she could stay upright. She probably shouldn’t. But she didn’t want to fall. And she was meant to be acting normal. She wasn’t sure she was doing a great job of it, but still.

  ‘It was fine,’ Liane said. ‘And I can tick two more off the list. I mean … I didn’t fuck either of them, but –’

  ‘I don’t care about the list!’ Issey said, stopping and pulling her arm away from Liane’s. ‘I was so fucking scared. I phoned you and phoned you and you didn’t answer and I knew it would probably be fine, but then I kept thinking … what if it wasn’t? What if I decided it was fine and went to bed and then in the morning found out you were dead? So I had to come down. And you made me feel like –’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Liane said, trying to wriggle her arms around Issey’s waist under her stupid pouffy coat. ‘John got the weed out and it all went a bit hazy and … but it was fun. I had fun.’

  Issey shook her head. ‘Well … I mean, I’m glad you did. But still. That was fucked up. I came all the way down here.’

  ‘It’s not that far,’ Liane said. ‘And you didn’t have to.’

  ‘That’s not the point!’ Issey almost shouted. ‘Fuck!’

  ‘I know,’ Liane said, squeezing Issey’s waist and rubbing her face into Issey’s neck. ‘I’m being a dick. I’m still drunk. And stoned. I’m sorry. Forgive me?’

  She tipped her head back and looked up at Issey. ‘You look pretty,’ she added hopefully.

  ‘Oh my god,’ Issey said. ‘You’re the fucking worst.’

  Usually Liane would say ‘but you love me’ or kiss Issey on the cheek or nose. Or she’d snuggle up against her and make her laugh. But she couldn’t do any of that now, could she? Cos she’d fucked it all up.

  FEBRUARY

  Chapter 28

  Lou was running late. She’d slept through her alarm, couldn’t fin
d anything to wear, had forgotten she’d loaned her straighteners to Ella and had turned her room upside down looking for them. She had a seminar first thing and she couldn’t miss it. She was struggling with the essay – Colonialism in Victorian English Literature – and really wanted to talk to her tutor about it before she got back to it, and it was due at the end of the week.

  She made herself a coffee in a takeaway cup and left, slamming the door behind her. She turned on to Bold Street and had to step into the road to avoid a street sweeper on the pavement. It was only when she stepped back up again that she saw Kyle. He was leaning against the plate glass window of the new cafe on the corner.

  ‘Hey,’ he said.

  ‘I’m late,’ Lou said and carried on walking, biting at her lip. Her stomach had clenched at the sight of him, but she couldn’t stop; she wasn’t going to engage with him. It had been so long since she’d last seen him that she’d really started to believe he’d given up coming after her. She should have known better.

  And then he grabbed her arm.

  ‘What the fuck?’ she said, yanking it out of his grasp and spilling some of her coffee. She yelped, licking the back of her hand.

  ‘I want to talk to you,’ Kyle said.

  ‘Not now,’ Lou said. ‘I’m late. I’m sorry. I’ve got to go.’

  ‘I’ll walk with you,’ Kyle said.

  Lou shook her head, but carried on heading up towards the main road. She couldn’t believe she’d apologised to him, what the fuck. And what was he even doing there, waiting for her? Tears pricked her eyes and she glanced down at the back of her hand, which had turned pink. That was why she was almost crying. Not Kyle. She’d burned her hand.

  At the lights, she sipped tentatively at her coffee, the steam prickling her top lip.

  ‘What are you doing for Valentine’s Day?’ Kyle said.

  Lou stopped and stared at him. ‘Are you joking? I told you. I’m not interested. And I really don’t think it’s OK for you to turn up here …’

  The lights changed and Lou crossed, Kyle keeping pace with her.

  ‘There’s a party,’ Kyle said. ‘For Valentine’s. And I thought you might –’

  She stopped on the other side and turned to him. ‘Look. Please. I can’t … I just need to get to uni. And I’ve hurt my hand and I’ve had a shit morning and I can’t –’