Cruising Through to Fulfilment

by Ann M Pratley

It would have been so easy to use her for the physical pleasure, except he knew he wouldn't have enjoyed it at all. One thing he did respect was making love with a woman who actually meant something to him, and he had never been any different in that respect.

  As he turned and started to walk back to his friends, Greg was aware of Tanya watching him and dreaded what she was thinking about what she had just seen. He sat down and said nothing, although he felt all eyes on him.

  Paul broke the silence. "So who was that?"

  "That was a girl that I met in the gym this morning. A dancer on board," Greg said, keeping his eyes lowered and no one dared to ask any more questions.

  * * * *

  The evening went back to normal as soon as the DJ started pumping out good music once again and Paul asked Tanya to 'dance the night away' with him. She laughed as they moved on the dance floor; he was a good dancer but also such a pleasure to listen to and to watch.

  "So what's up, Greg?" Tracey asked while they sat and watched the two on the dance floor.

  He turned to look right at her, like he was checking her sincerity. When he seemed convinced that she wasn’t just searching for gossip, he relaxed and started to talk.

  "Tracey, I have just gotten over my girlfriend of four years sleeping around on me and this cruise was supposed to help me get over it, but when I look at Tanya I feel such a pull toward her ... I can't explain it because I have never felt this way about anyone before. I've always gotten to know someone before I've ever felt like being that intimate with them, but when I am around Tanya ... wow, I just want to kiss her ... and hold her. And I feel bad about that because I don't want to act on my physical feelings. I'd never want to do that to any woman," he said and stopped, looking at Tanya on the dance floor again.

  "So why don't you just talk to her as a friend?" Tracey asked, although she suspected she already knew the answer.

  "I want to, but every time I look at her I just can't speak. She is stunning, you know? And we are only going to know each other for a week..."

  Paul and Tanya came off the floor and sat down, stopping the conversation that had begun.

  "I'm going to go outside for a walk and then go to bed," Tanya said as she stood up again, looking around at each of her new friends. "I'll see you guys at breakfast, okay?"

  "In the buffet? That would probably be easiest tomorrow morning, wouldn't it?" Paul said and she nodded.

  "Okay, that sounds good." She waved as she started to walk away. "Goodnight."

  Greg relaxed as she made her way out of the room, and then realised that if he didn't say anything now, he would only end up having a miserable week.

  He stood up, suddenly oblivious to Paul and Tracey, and ran after Tanya.

  "Tanya, wait." Tracey watched as Tanya turned and looked surprised at the sight of him.

  "May I walk with you?" Greg asked timidly, and she smiled.

  "Of course."

  Tracey looked to Paul, who had also seen what had happened.

  "Do you think anything can come of this, Paul? He's not going to do anything to hurt her, is he?"

  Paul took a deep breath. "He had better not."

  * * * *

  Greg and Tanya stood outside on Promenade Deck, leaning over the railing and looking at the water below. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, and Greg watched her face quietly.

  "You really are beautiful, Tanya," he whispered, almost breathless at the sight of her at such a close distance. She slowly opened her eyes and looked at him.

  "To me, Greg, beautiful is something a lot more than just skin deep. You should take the time to really look at these mountains," she said, encouraging him to do just that, "and breathe in the fresh sea air," she waited for him to take a deep breath, closing his eyes just as she had only moments ago, "and listen to the sound of the water and the birds in the distance." She studied his face and saw him relax more than she had seen him do since they had met. "And when you put all of these things together, Greg, that is a beautiful thing."

  He opened his eyes and looked deeply into hers. "I don't know why I feel this way about someone I don't even know, but I feel so close to you whenever we are together. It confuses me because I want to touch you," he lifted his hand and almost touched her cheek but pulled away. "But I know that that isn't right, well not for me ... I can't just have a week with someone, Tanya. I need someone who can be by my side for a long time."

  He saw her smile softly.

  "Good, because I don't think I can do that either, Greg. I find you almost irresistible..." she tried to ease the seriousness by being cheeky. "But not quite."

  He laughed and she took his hand, feeling a nice calm come over her as she did.

  "Let's walk, okay?"

  He nodded and let her lead the way. He, too, felt the warmth of her hand and although he had expected to get a rush of passion if he touched her, instead he felt like he had found his home, almost like they had done this a million times before.

  After walking around the outside decks for a while, he walked her back to her cabin.

  "Thank you for a lovely walk," he said graciously, still holding her hand but not daring to get any closer.

  "Goodnight Greg." And then she entered her cabin and was gone.

  Walking back to his room, Greg let a smile grace his handsome face. He had wasted an entire 24 hours worrying about someone who he now knew would never hurt him. If anything, she could help him to find his true self - something no-one else had ever been able to do.

  He walked into his cabin and Paul was still up, with a worried look on his face. "So?"

  "So what?" Greg responded, still smiling.

  When he looked at Paul he saw his concern and reassured him. "Paul, we talked for a while and then I walked her back to her cabin. Don't worry, there is nothing more to it. I know you don't want to see Tanya get hurt, but you have to trust me on this, my friend, I have no intention of hurting her either."

  Chapter 3

  The next morning Tanya woke up with an excitement she could see no point in containing.

  "Wake up Tracey. Today we are in Alaska!"

  Tracey moaned and pulled the covers over her head.

  "Tanya, we don't arrive in Juneau until 1 o'clock. What is the time now?"

  Tanya looked at the clock and felt a little guilty. "Seven."

  She decided to go to breakfast alone, hoping that she would have the pleasure of seeing the boys there, which she did.

  "Good morning," they both said, smiling as they sat down at her table. They chatted about the sunshine until Greg got up to go back to the buffet.

  "Is everything okay, Tanya?" Paul asked, with an intensely worried look on his face.

  Tanya smiled at him. "Paul, don't worry about me and Greg. I do really appreciate you caring, but I don't think that anything is going to happen for you to worry about. We didn't do anything last night except talk," she said and he nodded.

  "Yeah, Greg told me," he said, not sounding entirely happy with the whole situation. Still, they were two adults and he wasn't in any position to make judgement so he changed the subject.

  When Greg returned to the table Tanya and Paul were engrossed in a conversation about the Naa Kahidi Theatre, which they were going to visit that day, and the wildlife cruise they would go on in the early evening. So engrossed they were, that they didn't really even notice Greg sit down, so he took the time to look at Tanya. She looked at Paul with a kind of respect that he hoped he could earn from a woman at some time in his life, and he wasn't sure that he liked the fact that they were so close to each other. He quickly put the thought out of his mind and tuned into the conversation, determined to learn a little bit about the things that held such interest for both of them.

  "Where is Tracey anyway?" Paul asked.

  "She's having a little lie in this morning," laughed Tanya. "Shall we get her up for Bingo? Maybe today one of us will win," she said, looking at Greg and catching his eye with a smile meant just for him.

&nb
sp; As if acting on cue, Paul excused himself. "I'll see you guys in the show lounge at 11, okay?"

  And with a wave he was gone, leaving the two quietly alone.

  Tanya looked at Greg, wondering how to get him to speak more and look at her less. Suddenly she stood up and held out her hand.

  "Come with me," she said, smiling at him and he returned the smile as he took her hand.

  "Where are we going, Miss Beautiful Tanya?"

  She didn't reply, just walked him up to the Lido deck, where she instructed him to lie down on one of the deck loungers. When he had done so, she pulled another one up right beside his and lay down.

  "Now, turn on your side to face me."

  He did, and was overwhelmed by the physical need for her, now that they were lying side by side, even though they weren't touching. She read his face and his seriousness and smiled at him. "Now talk to me."

  He was broken out of his gaze and lost for words once again. She told him to close his eyes and do as she had done he night before - take a deep breath and just relax. She saw his face transform into a serene picture and he slowly smiled to himself. He really appreciated the soothing effect she had on him - if only she had been in his life when things had gone so wrong in his relationship with Brigitte.

  Her quiet and mellow voice came through the sound of the ocean.

  "Tell me how to get to know you, Greg. Tell me how you see yourself. What your good and bad points are..."

  He looked lost for a moment and had to open his eyes to look at her once again. Taking a deep breath, he knew he should face his new found timidity and talk to her face to face, rather than hiding behind his closed eyes.

  "I have never done anything like this before, Tanya. Usually I am the one to start conversations, you know."

  He stopped for a moment but when he saw that she wouldn't speak again until he had done what she requested, he went on.

  "I'm not hard to get to know, Tanya. I believe in honesty and respect, and every relationship I have ever had has been built on those things. Unfortunately some people find it hard to be honest and that is where my relationships have always failed in the past. I find it hard to forgive someone for having been unfaithful to me, so even if I had been in love with someone, when that happens ... the feeling just dies." He paused for a moment. "Do you think that is cold hearted of me, Tanya?" he asked and she shook her head.

  "No, I think that if two people aren't truly happy in a relationship they should accept it and move on. At least then there is a chance of friendship, rather than pain festering and growing stronger until it destroys everything they have shared."

  "Are you friends with your ex-boyfriends?" he asked and she smiled.

  "Greg, my luck with men is so bad that I have to make an effort to keep them as friends, otherwise I would never talk to a man at all."

  He looked at her, sensing that she had a sadness about her with the present topic. "Have you ever been in love?"

  She shook her head. "No. I go out with someone for a few months and by that stage I usually sense that they would never be good for me over the long haul, so I turn what I have with them into a friendship while we still like each other."

  "I can't imagine anyone treating you badly," Greg said, and she smiled sadly.

  "No man has ever treated me badly, Greg - in that way I have been very lucky. My problem is that I expect more from a man than it seems anyone can give."

  "Like what?"

  "Well, I don't want to be with someone who has no excitement, you know? I want not only to be romanced, but I also want for someone to really be happy with what I would do for them. I like making people feel good about themselves, and when I get a nothing response to that, I wonder why I bothered. And then I get caught up in wanting to do something nice for someone, but knowing that if I do, I will get disappointed with the reaction. It seems really silly because I just shouldn't take everything so seriously, but I can't help it - that is who I am and I just have to find the right person who wants to be with someone like me, that's all."

  She stopped and smiled at him. "And weren't we talking about you a minute ago? That is very sneaky, you know."

  Greg laughed and then just smiled at her. "You are very easy to like, Miss Tanya. I think that if you lived in America, I would pursue you and romance you until you couldn't see straight."

  "And I think that you could do it too..."

  They paused and just looked at each other for a few minutes. Then Greg looked at his watch and jumped up. "Oh geez, we are supposed to be playing bingo right now so let's make a move before Paul goes past the point of forgiveness."

  When they were about to enter the lounge, Tanya stopped Greg. "You aren't upset at my questions, are you Greg?"

  He smiled and went to touch her cheek, this time not stopping.

  "No, I would much rather people asked questions than made assumptions. Especially you."

  They found Paul and Tracey, just as the first game was being called.

  "Where have you been?" Tracey whispered in Tanya's ear as they sat down.

  "Later Tracey. Do you want me to do some of those cards for you?"

  "Shh," someone from behind said, and the four giggled quietly before being caught up in the action once again.

  * * * *

  "Well, maybe our luck just isn't going to come our way this week playing bingo, folks," Paul said as they made their way out of the lounge. "Let's go outside and see how close we are to land."

  They all headed outside and were taken aback at the beauty of the land around them in the final approach into the capital city of Alaska.

  "Listen, I'm going to go back to my cabin and get organised. I'll see you all on the dockside at 1.30, okay?" Tanya said and made her way downstairs with Tracey following behind.

  Once inside their cabin and sure they were alone, Tracey bombarded Tanya with questions. "What is happening with you two? Has he kissed you? Tell me everything, Tanya."

  Tanya laughed. "Chill, Tracey, there's nothing to tell. We've been talking a lot and that's all."

  "You don't want anything more from him?"

  "I want to enjoy my week ... that's the most important thing right now. Greg is lovely, but I don't want to be consumed by him every waking moment. Now, come on Tracey, let's get ready to go!"

  Their first tour was the Naa Kahidi Theatre, where performers shared dances and music of Southeast Alaska's native culture, and told the stories of the local tribes from long ago. Paul and Tanya sat riveted, listening to the sounds and watching the moves, while Tracey kept quiet, not understanding any of what was going on in front of her, and Greg watched Tanya. They only had four more nights together after this one ... where could they go in that time?

  In the afternoon they went on a wildlife cruise to Auke Bay and everyone jumped around in excitement as they became surrounded by humpback whales, harbour seals and porpoises, while eagles soared overhead in the distance. Greg found himself amazed at the size of the whales especially, and when Tanya looked at him she saw a little boy intrigued. She went to him, suddenly oblivious to everyone else on the boat, and took his hand.

  "God, Tanya, I never imagined ... wow, how do they move with such grace? How ... how come I ... God, I don't know what to say..." he was flustered and Tanya laughed at him.

  When he caught his breath he turned and kissed her on the cheek. "You are very good for me, Miss Beautiful ... I have never..."

  He didn't finish the sentence, just squeezed her hand and smiled at her in contentment.

  When they returned to the ship, Tracey asked everyone if they would go and see the movie with her in the cinema. Paul looked at Tanya, wishing they could sit down and talk together, but thought she might want to be with Greg.

  "Yeah, Tracey, I'll join you. How about you guys?" he asked.

  "I think I'm going to call it a day. All this excitement has worn me out," Greg said, starting to withdraw himself from the others. He looked at Tanya with a kind of sad look on his face but looked aw
ay just as quickly, readdressing them all. "Goodnight."

  And then he was gone, leaving everyone for a loss of words.

  "Tanya, are you coming with us?" Tracey asked and Tanya nodded.

  "Of course," she said but wondered what was going on with Greg. Maybe he was seeing that girl who had been in the bar with him the night before, after all.

  * * * *

  As the three of them became entranced in the movie, Greg lay in his bed and let himself cry for the first time in so long. He had been holding back for months now and today had left him so overwhelmed that he didn't want to deny his feelings of anger and hurt any more. He had met a woman who was a wonderful human being, and it was time to make sure he was rid of all the rubbish he had kept stored inside his head up till now. The past was the past and he had no regrets about it, so he made himself think of all the bad things that had happened - the level of trust Brigitte had abused in him when she was with that other man - and let himself release it all.

  When Paul returned to the cabin, Greg was sound asleep, and it was the first night in a long time that he slept completely soundly, through the entire night.

  Chapter 4

  The next day they woke up in the small goldrush town of Skagway. For a special treat the four of them had booked on a tour that took them up in a seaplane over glaciers, and then onto the ancestral fishing grounds of the Tlingit Indians. The guides, while sharing their world of information on the land and tribes with the group, also kept a sharp eye out for wild mountain goats and brown bears which frequented the area. Greg and Paul argued whether they were all lucky or unlucky to have avoided seeing a bear.

  "Personally I'd rather come face to face with a baboon..." Greg said, cheekily. "Oops, sorry Paul, I already am face to face with a baboon!"

  A walk through the rainforest ended up at a lakeside where they stopped for a short snack and then they were off once again, flying over the crevasses of the Glacier Bay Icefield, back to the township. As they walked up and down the main street with its wooden sidewalks, Greg became suddenly aware of the attention Tanya got from passers by. They were all young men who were looking her up and down, so he presumed they were crew members off one of the ships in town that day, and suddenly he felt a pang of jealousy. When he looked at her, though, she seemed totally oblivious to the way others looked at her. She was so into the history and atmosphere that surrounded them that she was almost in a world of her own.