Cruising Through to Fulfilment

by Ann M Pratley

  She wandered into the restaurant without observing the surroundings or people in it, and numbly put food on her plate before choosing a table and sitting down where she could look out the window. She had just started eating when a familiar voice appeared beside her.

  "Am I being too forward in asking if I can join you?" he said, and turning to look at him, Tanya saw David smiling at her.

  "I would love for you to join me, David," she responded, happily. She hadn't thought about him since they had gotten off the bus the day before, but found herself pleased to be in his company again.

  He sat down, with a smile on his face.

  "How are things with you today?" he asked, tentatively, as if uncertain if he should be asking.

  She smiled at him. "Everything is fine, thank you."

  He looked at her, taking in the crisp youthfulness in front of him. She certainly did look happier this morning.

  "I am currently deciding what to do today," she continued, with an enchanting smile on her face.

  "And what are the options?" he asked, enthusiastically.

  "Well to be honest, I am not sure. I picked up a number of brochures at the front desk, but everything just looks so good!"

  She looked at him, wondering again at how much she appreciated the look of him. When he caught her looking at him, he actually started to have a slight blush on him, and she thought she can't have seen correctly. He had a mature confidence about him, so why would he blush?

  "Well I am going to catch the ferry over to Victoria, to have a look around there. You are welcome to join me, if you like," he said, sounding like he expected her to say no.

  She smiled at him. "Actually that was one of the things that I was considering. I heard there is a very good seafood restaurant there that do an amazing lunch buffet," she said, laughing at herself, wondering if he might think she was obsessed with food.

  He bloomed - that was how she would have described his face then - before laughing quietly.

  "I love seafood too," he said, remembering that that was one thing he and Laney had always fought about - she hated everything from the sea, and did not want 'anything fishy' in their home.

  He considered purposely avoiding any mention of the man he had left her with the previous day, but decided to speak anyway.

  "Can I ask what happened when you got back to the hotel yesterday?" he asked, tentatively. "Was everything alright?"

  She took a moment to think about Greg, and smiled sadly at David.

  "When I saw Greg I knew I didn't want to spend any more time with him, and I told him that."

  "He left the hotel?" he asked and she nodded.

  "I assume so - he left my room and I have not seen him since."

  "And you are okay about everything?"

  "Yes, I don't want or need to deal with any jealous girlfriends!" she said, laughing.

  They both sat in silence for a while, eating their breakfast, enjoying their coffee, and looking out the window.

  "How do we get to the ferry?" Tanya asked in an effort to lighten things up, and from there they formulated their plan to get to their destination.

  "Shall we go?" David asked, and they were off.

  * * * *

  On the ferry over, Tanya felt yet another wave of relief, escapism and freedom. She lifted her face toward the sun and focused on the feeling of it beaming down on her, combined with the wind in her hair. It was glorious, and reminded her of standing up on the deck of the Glacial Sun.

  David watched her as she was enjoying the sun and the wind on her, and he was mesmerised. More than that, he was starting to feel something he hadn't felt in a very long time - physical attraction. Not just looking at her and seeing her as a beautiful woman, but he was starting to feel his body wake up physically and actually long for the touch of someone other than his wife. He hadn't felt this since he had first met Laney - it had been literally decades - and it surprised, confused and flustered him.

  Tanya took a deep breath and stopped to open her eyes and look at him, and saw on his face a moment of desire. Surely she couldn't be wrong - could she? She once again thought of his being recently widowed and shut the thought out of her head. She looked away, turning to look out over the water instead, and he followed her cue, also turning to look out over the water. He stood close to her and their hands closed in vicinity on the hand rail until their two little fingers touched. Neither knew if it was merely a mistake - an accident - or if the other made that happen.

  Tanya turned to look at him, as he turned to look at her. In each other's eyes they saw the same thing - it wasn't one way, and it was equal in strength.

  David felt confused. This was all happening too quickly. Only yesterday morning he was back in his safe zone of being committed to the memory of his wife, and now he was looking at someone new. And was she really looking back at him, mirroring the feelings he was having? Or was he still in some kind of dream world, making it to be more than it was?

  He broke away from her gaze, trying to regain composure. Inside his head, he cursed himself. What was he thinking? That someone that age could be attracted to someone as old as he was?

  Tanya saw the change in David's face and turned away also, not wanting to upset him, and they remained in their own heads until the boat docked.

  Heading down onto the island, both of them relaxed and rejoiced in their good fortune to be in such a beautiful place.

  They walked around the island, stopping to both enjoy visiting the museum and learn about the history, before finding it was close to lunchtime.

  Walking into the restaurant, David was surprised at how easily the morning had gone, despite the couple of moments of confusion on his part. She was such good company, and had shown him some of her depth on the island, knowing so much about different aspects of history.

  Now they sat and enjoyed their seafood buffet, and he was enraptured with her enthusiasm for eating plates of oysters, mussels, scallops, prawns - everything that was on the buffet she tried some of and he took delight in seeing her delight in it all. To him, she was quite a vision to behold.

  "Oh I don't think I can fit any more in!" she said finally, and he laughed at her.

  "I think we have both done pretty well in getting our money's worth at this buffet!" he said, smiling whilst patting his tummy.

  They laughed together and left to start their walk back to the ferry.

  "I am very much enjoying your company, David," Tanya said to him as they waited on the dock for it to arrive.

  He turned to look at her and smiled.

  "And I yours," he replied quietly.

  Looking at her, he blushed and then looked down with a sad smile.

  "What?" she prompted him and he was quiet for a moment before looking up at her again.

  "I find you very attractive, Tanya," he stuttered out, looking unconfident, and lowering his eyes once again.

  "And I you," she replied, and he had to look up to see if he had heard right.

  "What?"

  She was looking right at him. There was no mistaking it if he was honest with himself, but he still needed reassurance that he wasn't just an old man being silly.

  "David, I am very attracted to you too," she said, clearly so there was no misunderstanding.

  "But I'm old," he said before realising he had spoken it out loud, embarrassed.

  "You are having a great effect on me. I don't think it has anything to do with age," she said and he looked at her with new eyes. Her years were young, but she was wise - she was much older in soul.

  The ferry pulled up beside them and they remained quiet while they waited for passengers to disembark, while they themselves boarded the ferry, and while they cruised over the harbour to the other side.

  He guided her, leading her to where they would catch transport back to the hotel.

  Once in the hotel lobby, he found new confusion. What was he supposed to do? What was she expecting, if anything?

  They both naturally walked through th
e lobby and into an elevator.

  He pressed the number for his floor - 11. She pressed the number for her floor - 8. And both wondered what the other was thinking.

  * * * *

  When the elevator stopped at Level 8, Tanya looked at him, wondering how he was feeling. She didn't want to approach him directly - not with him grieving for his wife. But she didn't want him to think she wasn’t serious either.

  "I'm in room 820. Please come and find me if you want to," she said quietly and walked out of the elevator.

  David felt like he was in shock as he processed what had happened. This young woman had told him she was attracted to him - and now she gave him her room number? Was he in an alternate universe? He rode the elevator to his floor and entered his room, where he sat down on his bed and took a breath. He hadn't embarked on 'dating' since he had met Laney all those years ago. He hadn't even had his head turned since then - whatever this was, it was new to him. Which seemed ridiculous since he was so much older than Tanya was!

  In her room, Tanya lay down on her bed and thought about the day so far. She had had the best day in a couple of weeks, with absolutely no stress or drama. David was a very nice man and he had captured her attention, and she was still surprised, given their age difference, but she didn't care. If he came to her, she knew she would welcome him.

  She decided to take a bath, to soak away doubts and thoughts. After filling the tub with bubbles, she slid down into the luxury of it, and appreciated having this time just to herself. After half an hour she forced herself to get out and was just getting dressed when she heard a knock on her door. She looked through the peep hole and David was there, but while for a fleeting moment she considered opening the door to him in her present state, she decided against it and called to him.

  "Just a minute," she yelled and quickly put on jeans and t-shirt. One quick look in the mirror and then she opened the door.

  David stood there and looked nervous, but smiled at her.

  "I'm not sure…" he started, looking so flustered that Tanya's confident nature took over and took the lead.

  "Come in," she instructed him and stood aside so he could enter, closing the door behind him.

  He looked at her - she had just showered or bathed, and she smelt so good, and looked good. It was enough to play with his senses.

  She sat down on the bed and welcomed him to sit beside her.

  He felt extremely nervous as he did so, leaving a gap between them.

  "Tanya," he started, determined to talk, to tell her how he was feeling. He believed there was a chance that she would laugh, that this would turn out to be a joke, and he had prepared himself for that.

  "Yes?" she asked, looking at him.

  "I loved my wife for a very long time - she was the greatest woman I knew and in our time together I never felt compelled to be with anyone else."

  She waited as he paused.

  "And over the past year since she died I have still not looked at any other woman - in that way, I mean. I still feel grief when I think about her," he said and she nodded.

  "So it is very confusing for me to now find that I am so attracted to you," he stuttered out and looked up at her.

  She was uncertain of what to do now, and sat quiet, letting him continue to lead the conversation.

  "You have woken something in me that I haven't felt for a very long time. It is invigorating but scary at the same time," he said.

  He looked at her, wanting to hear something from her now. When she realised that, she turned her body slightly so she was facing him, and took his hand.

  "David, I don't know what is like to love someone the way that you loved your wife, so I can't say that I understand where you are at, but I do know that when someone close to us leaves this world, it can hurt for a very long time," she said simply, speaking volumes with those few words. "I am here for this week and I would love to spend more time with you, if you want to."

  "I don't think I'm ready to be physical with someone new," he went on.

  "Okay," she replied, assuring him that it was fine, she didn't need anything.

  He raised his hand to her cheek and touched it gently. He wanted to kiss her - God he wanted to kiss those lips - but held back. He needed to be sure of his own feelings before he played with anyone else's.

  She looked right into his eyes, and his breath caught when she said, "You lead."

  They looked at each other for some time, before he knew he had to give in. This feeling of longing was so strong.

  He leaned in towards her slowly, judging her reaction but only seeing that she wanted him to kiss her. When he placed his lips on hers he savoured it. Different lips from those that he enjoyed for more than 20 years. Different movement and size … and softness. He didn't escalate it, just enjoyed kissing her softly, and he felt something else that he hadn't done since Laney had died - he wasn't getting hard exactly, but certainly he was waking up there too, for the first time in so long. Feeling it and acknowledging it, he felt a blend of excitement but also extreme disloyalty, like he was going against his wedding vows.

  Tanya indulged in the feeling David was producing in her as he kissed her. His kisses were so soft, so unrushed, and not in any way forceful. They brought out in her new sensations that she hadn't experienced before - like kissing was enough and there was no need to rush to anything else. She had always been forward, and moved at her own pace, but with him she wanted to respect the place he was at and see how things panned out, letting him take the lead.

  He broke away sharply. "Sorry," he mumbled before pulling away and standing up.

  Looking down at her, he expected to see confusion or annoyance, but she showed neither. She looked up at him with no expectation whatsoever, and stood up in front of him.

  He looked at her face and was confused as his eyes drifted down, and through her t‑shirt he could see her nipples erect. He blushed and raised his eyes but could see in her eyes that she had caught him looking. He looked sheepish as he smiled shyly.

  Tanya watched him, mesmerised by his combination of boldness, looking at her in such a way, and his shyness. It was so endearing. She took both of his hands in hers and moved right up to him, so their chests were just touching. She didn't move for anything else, waiting to see what he would do next.

  David looked at her face, at her lips, into her eyes. He remembered this yearning from years before, but always with the same person who he had loved. He removed his hands from hers and lightly stroked her arms, feeling goose bumps appear on her skin at his touch. He let his hands travel, touching the skin all over her arms, up and down. It had been so long since he had enjoyed physical pleasure - when he considered that, he realised it was a very long time since he had even thought about it, if he was honest with himself.

  Tanya closed her eyes and let the feelings happen. He wasn't sexual, but he was so sensual. And all the physical touch was on her arms, and yet it was blissful. She opened her eyes and looked into his, and liked what she saw reflecting back to her.

  "I think I should leave," David stuttered, feeling confusion on many levels now. He wanted her - but he didn't want to want her. His body screamed he was meant to have her - but his mind and heart screamed that he was meant to stay loyal to Laney, and not be with any other woman.

  He pulled himself away and started to walk away.

  Tanya looked at him, and followed him to the door.

  "Will you join me for breakfast tomorrow morning?" she asked, hopeful that he wasn't going to walk away altogether.

  He smiled at her sadly. "I will," he said, before kissing her on the cheek and walking out the door. "Goodnight Tanya."

  * * * *

  Alone in her room again, Tanya remembered her thought of that morning, looking in the mirror and saying to herself 'you aren't meant to be loved'. How was it that she kept meeting men who were still wrapped up in the women from their pasts? Not that she was upset at either of them, of course - especially David, who obviously had loved his wife v
ery much. But why did these men keep crossing her path? And when would it be her turn to be one of these women who these men loved so much? What was missing about her that didn't make her loveable to the men that she met?

  She jumped into bed, at least appreciating the good time she had had with David, out and about in Vancouver. He was good company, so even if there was to be nothing more, she could certainly appreciate spending any time with him as a friend.

  * * * *

  Three floors up, David showered and climbed into bed also, letting his mind wander to things that were pleasant but scary. He let himself think about Laney - always in his thoughts he thought of her with fondness and of all the good and sad times they had shared. But in thinking of her, he realised now that he never really pondered the physical side of their relationship anymore. It had been fulfilling, although more comfortable than exciting in their later years together. It wasn't forgettable, yet it was an area of their relationship that had fallen on the wayside over the years, replaced by a deeper love that didn't need to be expressed physically.

  Turning his thoughts to Tanya, he was very aware of sexuality. She had awoken a part of him that had been ignored for such a long time. But what would Laney think of him moving on only a year on? And with a woman in her 20s? Oh how he missed his wife, he thought to himself, and he knew it was time for him to think about her, cry about her, and go to sleep dreaming of her as she had been in her prime, before she got sick. It was time not to forget, but to push her aside a little in his mind and make room for someone new.

  Chapter 10

  Next morning, Tanya and David, each in their own rooms, woke and readied themselves to start the day. Tanya now only had four days until she was due to leave Vancouver and fly home to New Zealand, and the thought saddened her. Despite the craziness of this week, she had had a good holiday overall. She certainly laughed at her initial concerns that she would not meet anyone to spend time with while away!