Pop Life

by Ryan Loveless

  "Hello, Nicole," he said. Even though I had never heard his 'sleep with me now' voice, I knew that this was it.

  "Hello, Jamie," she said. She smiled at him as I mentally kicked myself. I had accidentally introduced the new cover couple for Celebrity Spy. My talents had no limit. I was thinking of a way to bring Jamie's focus back to me when a man Nicole introduced as her fiancé came and asked her to dance.

  "She's nice. I like girls who don't giggle," Jamie said when Nicole was gone. He swished the ice in his club soda, unfazed that he had been flirting with an engaged woman.

  I watched Nicole dancing with her fiancé. "They go together don't you think?"

  "No," he said, after a cursory glance.

  "No?"

  "We were sat here ten minutes before he showed up, and she didn't mention him at all. It's not all about who's pretty together."

  It took me a second to process the colloquialism of Jamie's Northern English that used 'sat' instead of 'sitting.' Although my brain wanted to correct it, my heart loved his different way of using our language and the rich accent with which he delivered it. If he believed what he said, then I had a chance with him. "Well, they seem happy from a distance."

  His smile was immediate and blinding… and didn't reach his eyes, a practiced technique from someone who played his life in front of cameras. "From a distance, so do I."

  I pushed my thumb through the plastic tablecloth. I did not know what to say. I watched as Paeder again joined Keelin and Russell. This time instead of pulling Keelin away, Paeder stayed with them.

  "I told Keelin I'd write for him if he wanted me to," I said. "He turned me down."

  "I'm not surprised. Keelin's very devoted to Icon's fans."

  Paeder tapped Keelin, and they walked away together, leaving Russell alone. "Fans aren't the only thing he's loyal to," I said. "I tried to give him an afternoon away from Paeder yesterday and he spent half of it defending him."

  Jamie shrugged. "Things work differently in groups. They watch each other's backs."

  "Do you ever wish you had that dynamic?"

  "And have to share the money? No. Besides, look what happens when it ends." He gestured at Russell, and then swept his arm across the room to pick out Keelin and Paeder. "You wind up split in half with somebody stuck in the middle."

  "And that's who everyone will feel sorry for," I agreed, "which is why Keelin should go solo while he has the crowd on his side."

  "If Icon breaks up, I doubt he'll be thinking about how many fans he can snatch. That's not how Keelin works."

  "I know," I said.

  Jamie shifted in his seat and pulled himself closer to me. "I know you mentioned that you're going home tomorrow, but could I convince you to stay another day?"

  "I'd like to," I said, "but I'll have to talk to Michael about it. He may want to get started working. The truth is, the sooner I'm through with Paeder, the happier I'll be."

  "I understand. I thought it would be nice if you could see my show."

  "I've seen you perform before. Believe me, if I could stay just for that, I would. You are absolutely worth it." Enthusiasm bled into my voice.

  "Thank you." He accepted my compliment without modesty. No coyly ducked head for him. Performing was one thing he knew he did right. He slipped his hand under the table and touched my leg. "What if that wasn't the only reason I wanted you to stay?"

  His touch pushed warmth through my thigh. "There's another reason?" I asked, feeling a blush creep up my neck. I put my hand over his.

  "I think I need you." He turned his palm up and held my hand.

  My playfulness drained away. "I think you're mistaking me for someone else. No one needs me."

  "I haven't slept as well as I do with you for years. Stay one more night. I'm going back to England on Thursday to finish the tour. You can leave then."

  "I'll talk to Michael," I said.

  Jamie's grip crushed my hand. "I haven't been making… I'm not crazy, Andrew."

  I tried to pull my hand back and squeeze his arm reassuringly as the same time. Jamie looked frantic around the eyes, and it was rubbing off on me. "What? I didn't mean… I wasn't trying to put you off. He'll say yes. I'm sure he will."

  "I'm sorry, I'm just… I'm not used to asking for things. I need to go." He got up, as flustered as I had ever seen him.

  I reached for him. "Jamie, wait." Dodging me, he took off. I started after him, but a hand pounding my back with enough force to rock me forward stopped me. I turned around as the scent of lilac hit my nose.

  "My son sings a bit," the accountant said. Beneath the floral scent, I caught a whiff of alcohol.

  "I don't really deal with talent," I said. I craned my neck to keep Jamie's retreating figure in sight.

  "I brought a tape." He presented it to me with a flourish.

  I tried to back away, but he had me caught between his body and the chair. Somehow, the tape ended up in my hand. "Well, actually, I typically write the songs. I don't listen to other people's unless it's, you know, a client…"

  "Well, maybe we'll hire you. How much you go for?"

  "Too much."

  He didn't seem bothered by this. "So maybe you'll lower your price for me."

  "That's not what I meant."

  Paeder came up to us. He glanced at the accountant, at me, and plucked the tape out of my hand. He gave it to the accountant.

  "Hey, buddy, what's the idea?"

  "Have you seen Keelin?" Paeder asked. He ignored the accountant.

  "No," I said.

  "Help me find him, would you?"

  "Paeder, I'm sure he's fine."

  "I don't like not knowing where he is."

  "You're not his mother."

  I meant it as a joke, but Paeder glared at me, and walking backwards, said, "Just help me find him."

  I shrugged towards the accountant. "Sorry, man. Maybe later." I jogged after Paeder. "I owe you one."

  He grunted. "Didn't do it for you."

  "Oh. I thought maybe you saw someone in need and…"

  "Keelin gets himself into trouble when I'm not around."

  I followed him out of the hall into the foyer. There were a few empty couches, some potted plants beside them, and a staircase leading up to the main floor. There I found Jamie standing in a recessed corner with Keelin. Another step, and I realized that Jamie was hugging him. Paeder raced over without a word and lifted Keelin away.

  Keelin crashed into the wall inches from me. I was too stunned to do more than stare from him to Paeder.

  "You know better. You could have been seen." Paeder appeared to be shaking with fury.

  "Somebody sees a gay boy hugging me and you think that's news? No one cares, Paeder," Jamie said.

  Paeder's fingers squeezed into fists. "I care."

  Bob seemed to step out of the wall. He put himself between Paeder and Jamie. "Mr. Brogan, I'm going to ask you to step back."

  "It's okay, Bob. It's fine," Jamie said. Bob turned his head so he could watch Jamie and Paeder at the same time. Then he stepped back.

  "He touches you, and his head is coming off." He pointed at Paeder. "You got that?"

  "I'm not going to touch him," Paeder said.

  "Paeder. It was my fault," Keelin said.

  Paeder turned. "Keelin, go get in the car. We're leaving."

  "Stop it. It was nothing," Keelin protested. "Jamie just needed a hug. That's all."

  "Paeder, it was my fault that Jamie's upset. We were talking earlier, and…" I said, but then Paeder was on me, pulling me forward and yelling.

  "You. Stay out of this. And keep a better eye on your boy." Saying this, he flung me so I landed on the wall next to Jamie. I wouldn't have guessed he was so strong from looking at him.

  "I'm sorry," I said, even though I had no clue what was going on. It just felt like someone should apologize.

  Jamie shrugged. "Forget it."

  "Paeder, you're acting ridiculous." Keelin put his fists against his hips. His chest jutted forwar
d like a challenging peacock's. He might have looked threatening if he were in a room with kittens. However, he was in a room with Paeder. "It was just a hug."

  "He licked you this afternoon, Keelin. He fucking licked you, and I'm the one acting ridiculous?"

  "He licked you as well," Keelin said.

  "That is completely different."

  "Why is that…? Oh. I get it. It's different because it was you getting licked and you know what's going on in your head, but you don't know what's going on in mine?"

  It was starting to feel like the fight had shifted and left the events of the last few moments behind. I didn't think they were talking about a hug anymore. Come to that, I didn't know why a hug between friends was such a big deal. But, this was Paeder, and he needed to control everything.

  "Hey, you said it," Paeder said.

  "Well, guess what? If you want to know what I'm thinking, open your damn eyes. I'm a fucking open book. I'm just waiting for you to read me."

  Keelin's unexpected and uncharacteristic foul language startled my mind onto another way of viewing the unfolding argument. It was so close to the things Kate and I had shouted at each other that I was talking before I even realized what I had figured out. "You guys are together," I said. "I mean, you're a couple." Everyone stared at me. Even Jamie regained his interest in me.

  "Is that true?" Jamie asked.

  Keelin and Paeder exchanged a look. Paeder looked terrified, an expression that did not sit well on him at all, and Keelin looked confused, as if Paeder had threatened him to never tell and now he was trying to decide if he was in trouble. "Yes," Keelin said. It sounded like a question.

  Jamie started laughing. "Oh this is brilliant. I had no idea."

  Paeder stepped up to me. "How much will it cost to keep you quiet? I'll have Alfred draw up papers for you to sign."

  Jamie tapped Paeder to get his attention, then tilted his head towards Bob to remind him that he was still under threat. Paeder retreated, apparently recognizing that I was also under Bob's protection. It was a small relief. I wasn't worried about Paeder hitting me, but losing his commission after all the work I'd done did concern me.

  "I'm not going to tell anyone. You can spend your entire life in the closet for all I care. You won't make the tabloids because of me." I was starting to put everything together. Paeder hadn't lectured me about keeping a distance from Keelin because he was concerned about his image; he'd been warning me because they were together. It made sense now, although I wasn't sure if I preferred Paeder as a pompous ass or a jealous one. I decided that he could easily be both.

  Jamie gasped. His three seconds of silence had apparently given him an epiphany, too. "Paeder, you're married, you wanker. Look mate, you're a good looking bloke, but you're no Rock Hudson, are you? What makes you think you get to have a wife and a boyfriend?" Jamie had tears of laughter in his eyes.

  "I love Dianne very much," Paeder said.

  I hadn't known a person could talk with such a stiff jaw.

  "She's a wonderful lady," Keelin said. He smiled awkwardly, caught in the middle again.

  "That's enough, Keelin." Paeder grabbed Keelin's wrist and pulled him towards the staircase. Keelin gave a shy wave and went along without protest.

  "Oh, shit. I think we went too far," Jamie said.

  I was thinking the same thing. He ran after them. I ran after Jamie.

  "I'm not blaming you for anything, Jamie," Paeder was saying as I came up to him. The three of them walked as a group towards the door. A car was already waiting outside it. The driver was standing with the car door open. "This is between me and Keelin." He glanced over at me. "What?" His jacket stretched from his fists pushing inside his pockets.

  "I thought you might want to do some work on the way home." I said, gesturing towards the car.

  "I don't think so," Paeder said.

  "Well, why don't I ride with you anyway? Maybe I'll get some inspiration."

  Paeder looked from Keelin to me. Keelin chewed his lip, staring straight ahead. "Fine. You sit in the front."

  "Thank you." I started to open the door when Jamie stepped beside me. "What are you doing?" he asked in a low voice.

  "Making sure Keelin doesn't get killed," I said. I wasn't sure how much I was exaggerating.

  Jamie smiled, as if he saw arguments like this all the time. "Just make sure you don't either."

  "Will you grab Russell? Tell him we went back?"

  "I'll take care of it." He allowed me to go out. I got into the car. Paeder and Keelin followed, getting into the back. I watched Jamie as we pulled away.

  "We didn't say goodbye to Alfred and Rachel," Keelin said.

  "Correct me if I'm wrong, but that doesn't strike me as much of an apology," Paeder said.

  "I don't have anything to apologize about."

  "Some people might disagree."

  "I was just trying to help," Keelin said. In my sun visor mirror I saw him curl his fingers curled around his shirtsleeves. "Jamie was upset. I just did the natural thing."

  "I know," Paeder said. His tone softened. "We all love Jamie, but you have to face limits. You jeopardize things doing shit like that."

  "I wasn't thinking about my career, Paeder," Keelin said quietly.

  "I know."

  "But?"

  "But you should have. I would have."

  "We all make mistakes," Keelin said. The words spat and popped coming from his mouth.

  "That was a year ago," Paeder said. His tone reclaimed the familiar superiority. Maybe I'd been wrong about the settling down.

  "It seems like yesterday to me," Keelin said. He sounded bitter.

  "I've said I was sorry. I've told all of you."

  "Maybe you haven't said it enough."

  "I'm sorry," Paeder said. He ground the words through his teeth.

  "Andrew will probably turn this into a huge hit." Keelin gave a cartoonish smile that emphasized his sarcasm. "This isn't going to work. I can't handle it anymore."

  "What? Andrew staying? Driver, would you drop our friend off at the next subway, please?"

  I wrapped my fingers around the door handle. When I had fought with Kate, there was a poetic desperation in our battles. Begging on my part and storming out on hers. We had not hated each other. Perhaps I was romanticizing it, but I didn't remember wanting to rip her head off. Keelin and Paeder, though—they were ready to spit in each other's faces. Although I had come along to protect Keelin, it was pretty clear that he didn't need me, and I was ready to make my exit before I was targeted, too. In a fight like this, anyone was fair game.

  "No. Ignore him, Mel," Keelin said to the driver. "You know that's not it."

  We were almost to the hotel. I could duck and cover for two more minutes.

  "You know the pressures of being in a group, Keelin. I shouldn't have to tell you. It's hard on all of us. Suck it up. Be a man."

  "Once again, you've missed my point entirely. I'm telling you that you're difficult."

  "You've known that since the beginning," Paeder said.

  "Well, maybe it's good that your solo career is taking off. You'll only have to answer to yourself."

  "I'm all I answer to now."

  "No," Keelin said, "you're not. Icon is still a three man operation, no matter what you're telling yourself."

  Paeder looked at Keelin with wide eyes and slightly parted lips, as if he were seeing him for the first time. His forehead glistened and a strand of blond hair divided his left eye. "We'll all try harder," he said. "I'll try harder." Once again, I was pretty sure that the conversation had gone beyond my understanding. For one thing, I didn't think Paeder would be trying at all for Icon. This had to be about him and Keelin.

  "I wish I believed you," Keelin said, "but I don't know how I can since he's here." The car stopped in front of the hotel. He got out and walked into the building alone.

  He who? Keelin didn't mean me, did he? That didn't make sense unless he was talking about my working on Paeder's album, and I was pret
ty sure he wasn't.

  Paeder turned and looked straight at me. "Get enough for a hit? If you tell anyone about this… I guess I don't need to tell you what'll happen."

  He was trying to keep himself together, but he was shaking a little, crackling and desperate. I realized that I wasn't afraid of him anymore. I almost pitied him.

  "I didn't say, 'Hey, you guys are dating' on purpose, Paeder. Sometimes things just come out of me. I wasn't trying to be confrontational with you or Keelin."

  "Get out of the car, Andrew." Paeder raked his hand through his hair in a gesture that echoed Keelin's usual motion. His eyes were red. "I'm tired. Please go."

  I got out of the car. I stood for a moment, uncertain. What had I done? The car took off again with Paeder still inside. I had, however, made one decision. There was no way I was leaving Jamie alone in the middle of this. I went to find Audrey. "When you see Jamie," I said, "tell him that I'm definitely staying."

  Then I went to my room and called Michael to tell him I had extended my trip.

  Chapter Eight

  Neither Jamie nor Audrey appeared at my door in the night, so I slept alone. Getting to sleep was harder than it had been in a long while. With every noise, I was wide awake, expecting that it was one of them. I finally went into the bathroom and jerked off, trying to relieve myself of some of the nervous tension that had been building ever since I'd decided to accept Jamie's statement that he needed me. In the morning, I met with Paeder again. I expected that he would pretend that nothing had happened, but instead he didn't protest when Keelin planted his head on Paeder's lap. Paeder idly stroked his cheek and hair until Jeff arrived to take pictures, and Keelin got up on his own. I thought I caught another glare from him, aimed in Jeff's direction, but once again it was gone before I could be sure. Jeff took a few shots of me as I worked on the floor with papers spread around me. Eventually, he dragged a desk chair over and stood on top of it, holding the camera over his head.

  "You take good pictures, Andrew. It can be difficult with brunets, but you hold the light really well."

  "Thank you." I'd never received a compliment like that before. I wasn't sure what to do with it, but he didn't seem to want an in depth response. As he moved around, he brushed against me: a hand trailing across my neck, a leg against my arm. At first, I thought it was an accident, but when I looked up and saw him watching me, I wondered if Jamie had been right about Jeff trying something with me. I had no desire to do anything with him, so I focused on my notebook and ignored his touches until they stopped.