Pop Life

by Ryan Loveless

  Jamie and his band and crew left midmorning to head to the Hammerstein before I had a chance to talk to him. I grabbed Audrey, though, to ask her to hold a ticket for me. After I finished meeting with Paeder, I locked myself in my suite and filled nine more pages of my yellow notebook before my knees began rubbing together in a feeble attempt to warm themselves. The hotel management chilled the rooms as if they thought their guests were disguised Antarctic penguins.

  Paeder probably wouldn't approve of the lyrics, inspired as they were by my new knowledge of him and Keelin. I thought it was the best thing I had done since "Forgetful". However, once Michael was done scoring it, only an idiot would reject it. Paeder was no idiot.

  I called Michael to go over the new material. With him on speakerphone and my notebooks in front of me, he played a melody and I matched a lyric to it.

  "I think you need a two-syllable word here." He played a measure of a song that sounded like a cross between Riverdance and Beastie Boys.

  "I cannot believe we're doing this," I said as I jotted down a few other words to consider.

  Michael's laugh at least made me feel good.

  Something large thumped against my door.

  "Hold on," I said. "Be right back. Weird noise I have to check out."

  "Don't go through that door!" he said in his best horror-movie audience shriek.

  "Ha," I said loudly as I walked towards it.

  Opening it, I stuck my head into the hallway. A few feet away, I saw Jeff shove Paeder against the opposite wall and, taking his hands, raise them over Paeder's head. As I tried to figure out what I was seeing, Jeff smashed his lips onto Paeder's mouth. Jeff nudged a knee between Paeder's legs. Jeff was the 'he' Keelin had meant. I contemplated going back inside, but seeing them do this so openly had me frozen. What were they thinking?

  I understood Keelin and Paeder's fight now. This was why Keelin had been so angry. For all his jealousies and accusations, Paeder was the one who had cheated. Though I had sense enough to feel ashamed about it, my first thought was that Michael and I would get a platinum record out of this. Nothing sells so well as a jerk brought to earth by his own stupidity. Especially when the jerk was as famous as Paeder.

  The kiss ended, but Jeff stayed pressed against Paeder. Paeder slid his hands beneath Jeff's and, in a move perfected during a decade of synchronized dancing, flipped him around and slammed him into the wall. It struck me how blatant they were being. While the floor was private, Keelin was on it, and fuck, why wasn't Paeder acting like that mattered? As if in answer, Paeder knocked Jeff's hand away from his hair. He said something. Jeff followed Paeder's gaze down the corridor. Seconds later, Russell walked past me coming from the elevator. He glanced at Paeder and Jeff.

  "I'm telling Keelin," Russell said. "I'm through with you doing this to him."

  "It's not your business, Russell," Paeder said. He twisted out of Jeff's arms and smoothed his hands over his shirt.

  "I'm making it my business." Russell said. He walked away, towards Icon's block of rooms. Paeder followed him. I could not hear if he was talking or not. Paeder was not the type to beg. And Russell would ignore him if he made threats. So, I guessed there wasn't anything for Paeder to say that could make any difference. Jeff had not moved. Could he know that I was watching? I made no sound. Easing myself back into my room, I closed the door as quietly as I could. A moment later, something banged on it. Through the spy hole, I saw Jeff sauntering down the hall.

  My first thought as I fell against the wall was, Thank God for steel doors. What the hell was that? was my second. I slid to the floor and held my head between my knees.

  "Drew? What happened?"

  As Michael's worried voice came out of the phone, I dragged myself back up. I'd forgotten all about him. He was going to love this.

  * * * *

  I tried to work for another hour after I got off the phone and came up dry. Finally, I went downstairs to keep my promise to the bellhop who had helped me clean out Jamie's mini bar. I stopped at the desk and spoke to the clerk. She took my folded fifties and promised to give them to him.

  Russell was standing beside a couch talking with three of Jamie's young fans. He nodded and they produced notebooks and pens. I lingered at the counter, intending to wait until he finished. Russell, however, grinned and waved me over.

  I reached him as he returned the notebooks to the girls.

  "Lovely to meet all of you," he said. He kissed three upturned cheeks, one after another. The girls giggled and returned to their group across the lobby. The reformed gaggle erupted in delight as they examined their adventurers' bounty.

  "Paying off the staff?" Russell asked when they had gone.

  "Something like that," I replied.

  Russell perched on the couch's arm. He clasped his hands between his knees. "So, doing anything today?"

  "Just Jamie's concert later."

  "You've got a few hours then. Let's get out of here. I'm feeling caged."

  "I could use a walk, come to think of it." We walked out, but the honking cars and people-encrusted street were no cure for claustrophobia.

  "Sometimes I think I'll go mad in those places," Russell said. He skip-stepped to avoid being hit by a cyclist. "Hotels are nice enough for getting your laundry done, but I have got to get a house. I'm sick of living out of a suitcase. You'd think we'd all be used to it, being on tour all the time."

  "Yeah, and it must be hard with all the, um…" I nudged myself into a trot to keep up with Russell. "Fighting," I said when I was beside him again.

  Russell glanced over his shoulder at me while accepting a pamphlet on men's suits from a man in a sandwich board. "Fighting? You got something on your mind, or are you talking about how charming we are in general?"

  "I figured out that Paeder and Keelin are together. I kind of blurted it out in front of him and Jamie, who also, uh, hadn't known. I didn't mean to. I just… I'm not used to being right about this sort of thing." Russell had stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and was staring at me. I kept talking anyway. "Paeder's not too happy. With me, I mean, or, well, in general, I guess."

  A herd of elderly women wearing maroon T-shirts and laminated Georgia State Chorale name tags parted around us and between us like a Southern urban reenactment of the Red Sea. Russell pushed his way through to me. He grabbed my elbow. Instead of squeezing it, or pulling, he just held on.

  "Not happy? Jesus! You're lucky you're still alive, mate."

  "I'm not going to ask if you're speaking literally. I don't want to know." I started walking. Russell let my elbow go. I stepped into the intersection as the light went yellow. Russell snatched my arm again and pulled me back onto the curb.

  "Watch it."

  "Sorry." A bus rumbled past. The wheel dipped into a pothole, exactly where I had stepped. I wrapped my hand around the coins in my pocket and squeezed, needing to ease my nerves when I saw how close I'd come to getting squashed. "Thanks."

  "Any time."

  I released the coins as my heart rate returned to normal. "I don't understand why they're together. They're not exactly the match made in heaven, you know."

  Russell flashed a teasing little smile at me. "Are we still talking about Keelin and Paeder?"

  "Russell." I tried out the hard tone I used on Michael when he was trying to skirt around a question.

  "The question could be applied to any number of couples."

  "I'm asking about Keelin and Paeder."

  He resumed his long-legged pace after we reached the sidewalk on the other side of the street. I half-jogged to keep up with him. "It's actually not that hard to understand. Keelin used to get homesick when we started out, and Paeder and I promised we'd take care of him. I did the supportive thing, but Paeder spent so much time with him that he convinced himself that he was in love. Not that I doubted it." He dropped a coin into a homeless person's cup and stepped around him as if he had paid a toll. "Paeder has always been inclined towards passion. Not as much as Keelin. I figured it w
as a temporary thing, but I was wrong." He bent his arms at the elbows and put his hands up, an on-the-go shrug. "Not the first time. You kind of get used to being wrong around Paeder. Then Paeder's grandmother died and all of a sudden the tables turned. Keelin was the one watching out for Paeder, making sure he didn't go off the deep end. That pretty much cemented them." We came to stop at a curb and waited on the traffic light with a group of other pedestrians.

  "But I've known you guys for years," I said. "Even if I had known that Paeder was bisexual, I would never have felt that those two would make a good couple. I don't even think they make good friends."

  Russell's smile did not reach his eyes. "I can't say I disagree. But they've got something else keeping them together now."

  "What's that?"

  "Habit."

  I considered this. Habit had kept me with Kate until she had gone cold turkey on me. I understood habit.

  "You know, I saw what happened today with Jeff and Paeder. It was right outside my room." I looked up and caught Russell's studiously unconcerned expression. "I saw you, too."

  "I see," Russell said. "You're seeing a lot, aren't you?" He sounded amused, which was a relief from the accusatory tones I'd expected.

  "I know Paeder's having an affair with Jeff. And I'm guessing it's been going on for awhile." I said.

  He massaged his temples. "I don't think it's actually possible to have an affair with Jeff. That implies exclusivity, and Jeff's not capable of that."

  "Are you going to tell Keelin about today?"

  "I already did. Keelin is very forgiving. Paeder takes advantage of that."

  "Yeah. I imagine a lot of people would." I was glad that Keelin had Russell to protect him. However, after what I'd seen the day before when Keelin had stood up to Paeder and made him apologize, maybe Keelin didn't need as much protecting as I'd thought.

  "Well, now that you know all of our deep darks, how about giving up a few of yours?" Russell asked.

  "I don't have any." I did a mental rundown of my deepest secrets. I could not think of one that would concern Russell.

  "Right. So you won't mind my asking about the slumber parties you and Jamie have been enjoying?"

  "What?" I asked. Oh. That one. "I don't know that 'enjoying' is really…"

  "Don't worry about it. We all know Jamie can't sleep alone. He's slept in all of our rooms before." He paused. "Well, maybe not Keelin's."

  I was glad for the excuse of watching where I was going so I didn't have to look at him. I didn't want him to see any reaction that I had on my face. I knew it would give away what I was feeling, even if I wasn't sure what that was. Jamie had spent the night with everyone. I wasn't special after all. Granted, that had been my suspicion the first night, but having it confirmed still felt like a bottom dropping out beneath me.

  "Do you know why?" I asked. I had to push my disappointment aside. Jamie might have gone to all of them at one point, but he'd returned to me. He'd asked me to stay because he thought I was the one who could help him. Could Russell spell out Jamie's problems here, with shoppers pushing past and traffic honking? If so, then all my confusion could be cleared up in the middle of a road.

  "He's never told me. I think it has something to do with drugs. Most stuff involving Jamie does."

  "He told me he was afraid of something. I think he meant someone."

  "Well. He's told you more than us, then. He trusts you. You know that, don't you?"

  That made me feel a little better, less like the next person in a long line. "I know. I don't understand it, but I know."

  He stepped in front of me and waited until I looked into his eyes as he peered down at me. "There's something about you. If we spent much more time together, I'd probably tell you everything, too."

  I looked away. "I'm not sure if I should say thank you or sorry."

  He squeezed my shoulder. "Hey. It's a good thing. You're a good thing."

  "Thanks."

  "People don't know what to do with you, do they?"

  "I don't know," I said. The turn in the conversation had started to make me uncomfortable.

  "Sure you do. You've always known it, haven't you?"

  "You trying to make me cry?"

  "Me? Never." He put his arm around my shoulders. I had been joking, but when I realized that it was the first comforting touch I'd had since Michael had hugged me at the airport, I almost did tear up. Unlike everyone else here, it seemed, Russell didn't need or expect anything from me. "Come on. Let's get back. I've had about all the fresh air I can stand."

  "Yeah." I checked my watch. "I have to get ready for Jamie's show."

  "You've got three hours," Russell said.

  "Yeah, I need to buy something to wear."

  Russell chuckled. "Don't worry, Andrew. I'll take care of you."

  I'd seen what Icon wore onstage, and I wasn't comforted. "I'm not wearing a jumpsuit," I said.

  Russell soothed, "Of course not; you're not performing."

  Chapter Nine

  "You look good," Russell said.

  "Are you kidding me?" I stood in front of him in black leather pants and a button-up white and black tiger-striped shirt that, at Russell's insistence, I had left untucked.

  "It's perfect." He had taken ninety minutes to decide on this ensemble, pulling half his clothes out of the closet while I sat on his bed.

  The pants were too long and the shirt's sleeves fell past my hands. I pushed them up. "If you say so." Russell was a size larger and four inches taller than me. I felt like I was playing dress-up.

  The door flew open and Keelin burst into the room. "Is Paeder in here?" He shoved his hand into his bangs to hold them back.

  "Haven't seen him, Keelin," said Russell. He had his hands on my collar and was smoothing it into a crease. I tried to turn towards Keelin, but Russell pushed my head down like a hairdresser trimming around the neck.

  "When I find him, he'd better have something good to say. When I find him, he'd better, he'd better, or I'll…" Keelin stopped and took deep breaths, quelling either tears or fury. "We had another fight about Jeff. I sent him out. I don't know where he's gone. I should have gone after him." I heard a thump and turned enough to see that he had slumped against the wall.

  "You didn't want him back right then, though, did you?" Russell asked. He released me and went to stand in front of Keelin.

  "No, I suppose not," said Keelin. He ducked Russell's petting hand.

  "Well, then," said Russell. "He's gone for a bit. He'll be back. In the meantime, you've got what you wanted haven't you? A bit of a break?"

  Keelin thrust himself forward and gave Russell a shove that had no impact at all. He might have been pushing air. "You don't think Paeder's good enough for me. You never have!" The door was still open. I wondered if I should close it before someone came to see about the noise. Russell beat me to it. Watching Paeder fall apart had been one thing, but now I felt another kind of awkwardness. Maybe I saw too much of myself in Keelin. The difference was that I would have been in tears. I wasn't good at being angry. I was unable to separate it from despair. Keelin didn't seem to mind that I was there. Even so, I sat on the bed and kept quiet.

  "If it makes you feel better to think that, go ahead," said Russell.

  "It doesn't." Keelin sat down next to me. I wanted to put my arm around him, but I didn't. "I've looked everywhere," he said.

  "Maybe he's downstairs signing autographs?" I suggested.

  Russell shook his head. "Paeder doesn't deal with fans unless they're mad for him. Believe me, it's driving him crazy right now that those girls are here for Jamie instead of him." He lowered his voice. "He gets jealous of Keelin. I'm lucky being the least popular one of us. If I wasn't, Paeder would have me put out, you know."

  "What am I going to do?" Keelin asked.

  "I'll help you find him," Russell said, turning his attention back to Keelin.

  "I won't give him up, I can't; we've been through too much," Keelin said. He sounded more angry than de
sperate. Russell sat next to him. He patted Keelin's shoulder.

  "Andrew, will you be all right going to Jamie's concert with Jeff? I think Keelin and I are going to miss it."

  "Yeah. No problem." Sure I could go with Jeff, the man Jamie took me out to dinner to warn me about, the man who ravaged Paeder in front of my door, the man who, as Russell put it, was incapable of having an affair because he was so in demand.

  * * * *

  "Did you like what you saw today?" Jeff asked. We were in the back of a taxi together. It was nine in the evening; Jamie was scheduled to go on at nine-fifteen, and we were probably thirty minutes from the venue. Jeff was wearing baggy jeans that had slipped below his hips, exposing the waistband of his Banana Republic briefs as he sat. He glanced over at me and wandered his eyes up and down my body, somehow making me feel even more exposed in my borrowed leather pants and oversized shirt than he was with his skivvies showing.

  "What?" I asked. I had convinced myself that he didn't know that I was watching, that he had jumped against my door for a lark without knowing it was mine.

  "I wanted you to watch us." Jeff scooted towards me. "Why do you think I stopped Paeder where I did?"

  "I don't know."

  "I thought you might come out to play if you saw how much fun we were having."

  "I… What?" Jeff crowded against me like a giant cat. Or a wolf. Jamie would say a wolf.

  "Did I scare you? Or thrill you? It's all the same, isn't it?"

  "What? Wait, uh…" He was too close, both to me and to the truth. I flattened my back against the door.

  "You're a hard one, you know. I'm not used to having to try to get a guy's attention."

  "You still don't have mine. I'm with Jamie."

  "Did he tell you to say that?"