When You Know

by Archer, Kiki

  “Is there a difference?”

  “Of course there is. Ask Lisa, she was there.”

  “Well she wasn’t, was she? It was just you and Jade in that cosy little booth.”

  “Jade’s fine. She’s harmless.”

  Susan shook her head. “You said that about Amber. These women aren’t harmless, Jenna. You just don’t see what other people see in you, do you? You give off vibes. You must do.”

  “I don’t mean to.”

  “But you do.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Susan wasn’t ready to accept any apologies yet, so she carried on. “And how exactly did you end up in a booth all by yourself, with a blonde lady attached to your lips?”

  Jenna sighed. “I’ve been teaching her all week. She was fine with me today. They leave tomorrow. I won’t be seeing her again.”

  “But there’ll be someone else next week, and the week after that. People want you, Jenna. They’ll always want you.”

  “The only person I want to want me is you.”

  Susan stared at the wide eyes. “Lying by omission is still lying.”

  “I didn’t mention Jade because she’d only just arrived. I was trying to protect you. To reassure you.” Jenna shook her head. “I was never meant to be out with her. She just turned up.”

  “Yes, she turned up to see you, no doubt.”

  “Maybe.”

  “And you couldn’t tell her to leave?”

  “No. I’m her ski rep.”

  “And that means you have to kiss her?”

  “She kissed me.”

  “There’s no difference.”

  “Of course there is.”

  Susan reached out and adjusted her laptop screen. “You must have given off signals. People don’t just kiss you for no good reason. You must have encouraged her.”

  “I didn’t.”

  “But you probably did.” Susan nodded. “It happens all the time. You just don’t realise it. You’re charismatic, Jenna. People love being around you. They want to get close to you. You draw them in.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Susan paused. What was she cross at? What was the issue here? She sighed and shook her head knowing the truth. “I’m jealous.”

  Jenna frowned. “What of?”

  “Everyone.”

  “But I’m yours.”

  “You’re not.”

  Jenna nodded. “I am. I’m yours.”

  “Oh Jenna, I’m just finding this really hard. I—” Susan stopped as she heard the shouting.

  “YO YO YO! It’s party time! Oh hey, Susie,” said Amber, suddenly appearing in the screen.

  Susan watched as the pink-haired ski rep laughed at Jenna’s forehead, calling her a total loser. “I’m going to go,” said Susan into the screen, not sure if Jenna could hear.

  “Wait,” said Jenna, trying to shove Amber out of the shot. “No wait, I haven’t even created, what was it called? Dissonance? I haven’t created dissonance yet. Priggy and Champs were going on about smoking or something and how I have to—”

  “You shouldn’t be talking to the girls, especially if you want to do your school placement here.”

  Amber was shouting again in the background. “Is that all she ever does? Tells you what you can and can’t do?”

  “They won’t be there in September,” said Jenna, still trying to move Amber out of the shot. “They’ll be at uni.”

  “Look, I’m going to go.”

  “No, wait.”

  Amber was back in the screen. “Sorry, Susie, it’s Flaming Fridays down at Maimies and they’ve got a Sambuca special going on. Jade’s meeting us there in an hour.”

  “No she’s not,” said Jenna into the screen.

  “She is!” shouted Amber. “So are the men! Come on, girl, let’s get ready. Sambuca, Sambuca, Sambuca.”

  “Have a good night,” said Susan. “I’ll speak to you soon.”

  ****

  Jenna watched the image of Susan drain away from her screen. “You are such a pain, Amber!”

  “What?” said Amber, lifting up one of Jenna’s scarfs from her cabinet and starting to dance. “Sambuca, Sambuca, Sambuca.”

  “You can’t just come crashing into my room, announcing to my girlfriend that we’re off to meet the lady who kissed me last night.”

  “But we are, and I can’t wait to see what Paul plies me with tonight. He just kept that Champagne flowing.” Amber nodded. “I really do think he could be the one.”

  “Well Susan’s my one, and you’ve got to stop posting pictures of me.”

  “Stop giving me pictures to post!” Amber pulled a face. “Look at you, Jenna. You’re sitting there with the word knobber stamped across your forehead looking utterly miserable. What’s happened to you?”

  Jenna reached for her make-up remover and squeezed some onto a piece of cotton wool. She started to rub. “I’m not happy.”

  “Thank goodness for that! You’re finally being honest about the situation! So end it. End it all now.”

  “Okay, I will,” said Jenna, pointing to the door. “Out you go.”

  “What?”

  “I’ve had enough. I want you to leave. I want you to delete every picture you’ve ever posted of me, and I want you to leave.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Because I’m leaving too.”

  Chapter Twenty One

  Jenna watched as her door slammed shut, really tempted to jump back up and apologise. She hated the idea that she had upset anyone, even if that person most probably deserved it. She stopped herself and thought about the priority at hand. An email to Susan. An email declaring her love. An email declaring her plans. An email that would create that dissonance and stop Susan from smoking. No, she thought, smiling to herself. Just an email. Just her words. Just the truth. Much better than a phone call where things could be misheard or misinterpreted. Just words. Words that would speak for themselves.

  “Susan,” she wrote. “My darling.” No, she thought, deleting the second bit. “My love.” No, she thought, deleting again and pressing enter. “I’m just going to write. I’m going to write and see what comes out. Then I’m going to send, without re-reading because I know if I re-read I’ll cringe at myself and all of the clichés I’m probably about to use. So I’m sorry. But I love you. You’re my one. My life. My world. You complete me. You make me want to be a better person. You’ve shown me the way, the truth, the light. Ahhhhh, no, I’m stopping. Okay, what is it I want to say?” Jenna paused for a moment. “I want to say that I want you. I need you. I need you in my life right now.”

  Jenna nodded at her progress and pressed enter, starting a new paragraph. “Susan, I’m a different person to the Jenna I was. I want different things. I want a different life. I want that because of you. You’ve changed me. In a good way. I’m done with all of the parties and stupid nights out. I’d much rather just snuggle up with you and stroke your hair.” Jenna cringed as she wrote it. “It sounds ridiculous I know, but it’s true. I just want to be with you. All of the time. I love being with you. There’s this electric chemistry between us, and I know we both feel it. It’s there every time we step into each other’s space. It’s magnetic and indescribable, and I never really believed anything like this existed. But it does, and I’ve found it with you. You’re my match, Susan, and we set off such a spark in each other.” Jenna paused, feeling the goose bumps all over again.

  “It’s so easy to get sexual with you, but I won’t. Not this time. This time I want to get emotional. I want you to feel me. Really feel what I feel, if that makes sense? My heart feels bigger. My soul feels fuller. My mind’s just completely consumed by thoughts of you. I’m dreaming, Susan. I’m dreaming of the future. Our future. Our house. Our home. Our family. I’m sorry if that’s too much for you, but that’s where my mind goes. I can’t stop it from wandering. It wanders and then it wonders. We have our whole lives ahead of us, Susan, and I’m so excited by our future. The places we’ll visit. The peop
le we’ll meet. The friends we’ll make together. We’re a really good match. We complement each other. Even something silly like the way you fit perfectly under my arm when we’re walking. Stuff like that shows me we’re meant to be. You calm me down, Susan. You calm me down, and you help me see clearly. I see what I want. I want you. Here. Now. Forever.” Jenna quickly pressed enter, feeling the words in full flow.

  “It’s like I finally understand what all the fuss is about. All of the people who talk about love with that glint in their eye. Well now I’m glinting and glowing, and I might even find myself gurning sometimes with glee.” Jenna smiled to herself. “Susan, I’m shining so brightly that I light up every room every time your name is mentioned … and your name gets mentioned a lot … because I’m constantly bringing you up. I’m constantly pulling the conversation back around to you, or us, or our future. People are getting fed up with me, but I don’t care. I want to talk about you. I want to tell the world how happy I am. How I’ve met the one. How everything’s fallen into place just like a giant jigsaw that’s been unsolvable for the whole of my life. Suddenly it’s easy. Suddenly I know what the bigger picture looks like. Suddenly everything’s slotting together and making such sense.” Jenna paused. “My life’s no longer a jumble of jagged pieces with me forcing things together only to find they don’t fit. Suddenly my life’s whole. My picture’s whole. My puzzle’s no more. My jigsaw’s complete. All because of you.”

  Jenna nodded to herself. “I no longer have any questions. I understand everything. Everything, Susan. It’s simple. I was made for you, and you were made for me, and our lives up to this point have just been our journeys to finding one another once more. We fit, Susan. We’re one, and I know I said I wanted to be emotional not sexual, but I’m sorry, it has to be mentioned. We’re explosive in bed. We’re a match, quite literally, that’s lit and ready to burn. In fact we’re more like two sticks of dynamite. You’re such a natural, with a hint of inner wickedness that drives me absolutely crazy. The look you get in your eye when you want me. I don’t think you have any idea just how arousing you are, or just how satisfied you make me. I can’t get enough of you. I won’t ever be able to get enough of you. You’re loud, you’re confident, and you’re crazier than I’d ever imagined was possible.”

  Jenna sighed. “But I miss you. If I’m honest I thought these three months would fly by. I love skiing. I love my job. Hey, I used to love my life. But now everything feels different. So…” Jenna paused. “Here comes the important bit. The bit I’ve thought long and hard about since I left you with two dildos shoved under your jumper - long and hard thinking, not long and hard dildos. I’m going to hand in my notice. I’m going to leave. I’ve been with Club Ski for five years now. I know how this works. They’ll let me go. We’ve got the staff to cover my groups. There won’t be an issue. I just know I need to be near to you. I won’t crowd you though: I’ll check in with my family, I’ll check up on my flats, I’ll call Sheila from Stage School and see if there are any slots available. I was thinking of starting a group for really little ones, maybe calling it Dribbling Dramatics or something like that, and focusing on facial expressions and noises. You know how new mums are. They’ll sign their kids up for anything. But anyway, my point is, I’d be around. We could date. We could do all of the normal things that normal couples do.”

  Jenna paused for a moment and ran her fingers through her hair. “This is hard, isn’t it? Harder than either of us ever thought it would be. The distance is too great, and social media’s the scourge of society. Now do you understand why I hate Facebook and Instagram and all of those other sites? I’ve asked Amber to delete all of the pictures of me. I’ll ask Hugo to do the same too. I know it’s not appropriate to have those sorts of shots accessible on the internet. I want to conduct myself professionally. I want to teach. I want to teach alongside you.”

  “So,” typed Jenna, wondering how she could make her point really clear, “I’m flying back. I want us. I want you. I want forever.” She lifted her fingers from the keypad and brought them together in front of her mouth, smiling in her decision. She glanced down as a small ping sounded in the corner of her screen. It was an email alert. An email from Susan. She clicked on the link and started to read.

  “Jenna,” it said, “I’m just going to say this. We’re not working.” Jenna gasped, unable to stop her eyes from reading. “We both know the truth. It’s over. In fact I’m not even sure it properly began. Please don’t contact me for a while because I really need some space. I just don’t want to feel like this anymore. Don’t think this means you can’t teach. You can. You’ll be a brilliant teacher, and maybe, if you do get your placement over here, then we can start off again, as friends. But us? As a couple? We were never going to work.” Jenna read the last line, simply signed: “Susan.”

  “No,” gasped Jenna, dropping her head into her hands. She kept her eyes closed and tried to control her breathing, eventually finding the courage to peep through the fingers, hoping that the words would have changed. “No,” she whispered once more, as her heart broke completely. Jenna dropped a hand and lifted a finger, feeling her stomach recoil in pain. She tapped on the mouse pad and clicked back to her own email. She scrolled to the send button and hovered over the pad, sighing slowly as she swiped the other way and clicked on delete instead.

  Chapter Twenty Two

  Susan walked down the wide stone steps in front of the school’s main entrance, glimpsing the last glowing remains of the sunset across the acre, pleased to be out in the fresh air a lot earlier than anticipated. She turned around and watched Danielle Watts manoeuvre the red mobility scooter down the twisting access ramp. “We’ll be quicker if we walk,” shouted Susan.

  Danielle pulled on the handlebar and turned the final corner. “I came this early on the condition we’d drive up. Hollyoaks hasn’t even started yet.” She tapped the wire basket at the front. “Plus this is perfect for my snacks. Shall I throw you a Malteser? We can pop Martha’s port in here on the way back.”

  Susan shook her head and started to walk down the long drive that wound its way through the school grounds leading out towards the main road. “No thanks, I’ll see you up there.”

  Danielle twisted the speed setting on the dashboard and pulled on the throttle. “No you won’t!” she shouted, whizzing past Susan. “I’ll see you up there!”

  Susan started to jog. “Why’s it going so fast?”

  “Mary’s tinkered with the settings. Come on! Jump on!” Danielle shouted over her shoulder. “Who’s this friend we’re meeting?”

  Susan increased her pace. “She’s called Felicity. She was in my year at school.”

  “Why’s she out so early? It’s not even half six.”

  Susan was running flat out. “She’s just moved back into the Westbury Homes estate, asked if I’d like to catch up.”

  “This early on a Friday night?”

  “No,” shouted Susan, panting, “I just messaged her. I needed to get out. I couldn’t wait until ten.”

  “Your Jenna Skype didn’t go well then I take it?”

  “What?” shouted Susan, falling too far behind.

  Danielle pulled on the brakes, screeching to a stop. She reached into the basket and broke off a chunk of chocolate from her family-sized bar. “Your Skype with Jenna? It didn’t go well?”

  Susan slowed to a halt and dropped her hands onto her knees, catching her breath. “You were listening then? In the staffroom?”

  “Hey, I’m the school nurse. It’s my job to pay attention to the health and wellbeing of the residents and attendees here at St Wilfred’s.” She stuck the scooter in reverse and drew up alongside Susan. “Ears always open. Here, have some cola.”

  Susan refused the outstretched bottle and pulled herself upright. “Does that thing have a slow?”

  “No, now hop on. There’s room behind me.”

  Susan looked at the padded leather seat. “It’s almost dark, I guess.” She paused. “And it doesn�
��t look like anyone’s about.”

  “Exactly, we’ll be up there in no time.” Danielle revved the engine. “Just like Thelma and Louise.”

  Susan took a deep breath and threw her leg over the seat, tucking herself in behind Danielle. “Take it steady though.”

  “Of course,” said Danielle, twisting the speed knob back up to high. “Health and wellbeing and all that. Hey, someone else I’ve been watching is Daisy. Little Daisy Button in Year Seven. You brought her to me with that rash.”

  Susan grabbed on to Danielle’s waist as the scooter burst into life. “Y-y-yes. What about her?”

  Danielle pulled even harder on the throttle. “Can albinos turn into oompa loompas?”

  “W-w-what?” said Susan, feeling the wind in her hair.

  “She’s so tiny anyway, but now she’s started to look orange. I mean it’s more than an orange tint. It’s oompa loompa orange. I was wondering if the two syndromes are connected.”

  “What?” said Susan, furiously trying to blink a fly out of her eye.

  “Her pigmentation. It’s changed from see-through white to glow-stick orange.”

  “There!” shouted Susan, squeezing Danielle’s waist, thrilled at the opportunity to slow their speed. “That’s her up ahead. Look, she’s next to that patch of soil with Timmy and Bob. Let’s slow down a bit, shall we? We can check on her.”

  “You can’t be too obvious about these things,” said Danielle, loosening her grip on the throttle. “Don’t make her feel self-conscious.”

  “What’s that up ahead?” said Susan.

  “Where?”

  “In the road.”

  Danielle was glancing from left to right. “I can’t see anything.”

  “It looks like a spade, be careful!”

  “Where?” Danielle started to slow the mobility scooter.

  “Down there. Be careful!”

  “Oh bugger,” said Danielle as the front tyre hit the metal.

  “It’s a rake,” shouted Susan as the long wooden stick shot up and hit Danielle on the side of the head, almost knocking her off her seat.