Funny Bone

by Daniel W. Kelly

  “Yeah. I got my colonic at seven tomorrow night. Will that do it?”

  Damn. The boy had thought it through. Maybe this wasn’t some cruel joke.

  “Oh yeah. That’ll more than do it,” I assured him. “Just don’t get too excited while you’re there. You don’t want to have all your fun too soon.”

  “Heh heh,” he huffed. “You’re funny. I’ll be all good and ready. Promise. We’re cool, man. You’re awesome. I really appreciate this.”

  He reached across the table and grabbed my hand in a manshake, thumbs locked like we were about to arm wrestle, and then he folded his other hand over our linked fingers and gave them a masculine pat.

  “You ready to blow this joint?” he asked as he slipped out of the booth.

  Ignoring the interesting choice of words to avoid the risk of blurting out a witty gay response, I simply said, “Yeah. Let’s go.”

  *

  The doorbell rang at five after nine. Its usually playful singsong chime suddenly sounded so ominously masculine. My heart raced. All day at work, Jake acted as if absolutely nothing was up. It was the same old dull routine. We took our morning walk down to the cafeteria for coffee. He hung at my desk for a little while during his slow time, making me go on all the latest time-killing websites he’d discovered, loaded with sound bites and movie clips. At the end of the day, we walked out to our cars together and he gave me his standard, “Later, Chris.”

  It didn’t sound any different than usual. I started to doubt this was going to happen. There was no sly flirtation, no suggestive IMs, no looks, no double entendres in our conversation.

  Yet, here the doorbell was, ringing a second time. How badly would it suck if I answered and it was a Jehovah’s Witness? Of course, that could be the start of a completely different porn story.

  Freshly showered and shaved, I quickly checked to make sure my baggy T-shirt was pulled well over the crotch of my jeans to hide the effects of the Viagra.

  Don’t judge me! I panicked! I was terrified my nerves would get the better of me and I wouldn’t be able to perform. So I scored a pill from the old queen who lives three condos down from me. And damn, does that shit work. I had to point my schlong upward against my lower abdomen before gently pulling on my jeans.

  My mind nonchalantly opened my door, but my hand shook on the knob and my jugular pulsed spastically.

  It wasn’t Jake!

  Psych! It was totally Jake, all casually perfect in a T-shirt, jeans, and sandals. One beefy arm was holding up a six-pack of his favorite bottled beer. How romantic.

  “Hey, man, what’s up? You ready to party?” he asked brightly, his fantastic white teeth contrasting with the tan of his stern features.

  “Hell yeah.” I moved aside to let his hulking form pass. He patted my shoulder all buddy-buddy as he handed me the beer.

  I followed him into my galley kitchen, my eyes drifting down to the solidly packed seat of his jeans, sticking out underneath the bottom of his untucked T-shirt. Could that ass really be on my face in the next hour?

  “You want one now?” I asked, placing the six-pack on my counter.

  “Sure thing. Right outta the bottle is fine. You having one?”

  “Um…no. I’m okay for now.” Nothing could go wrong tonight, and the last thing I needed was to find there were dire consequences to mixing Viagra and liquor. I popped the top on his bottle (Hee hee. That sounds dirty) and put the others in the fridge. “So…how’d your appointment go tonight?”

  “I feel like a new man. You have to try it. It’s incredible. Getting all those toxins sucked right out of you. So invigorating. I could take you one time. The people there are great. And they got a guy who does it, too. Who knows? You might find a boyfriend.” He smiled, then gave his beer bottle a butch swig.

  “Is he cute?” I searched for pre-sex conversation.

  “I’d give him the green light. I think he’d look good on your arm.” He stepped back a bit as if to size me up, or maybe insert the ass cleanser man of which he spoke into the picture. “Oh, yeah. You’d be a cute couple.”

  I imagine if I wasn’t on auto-erection, I’d have grown a stiff one by now.

  “So, what do you want to do? Watch some TV? I could throw some new shit I discovered in your cloud,” I suggested. It was something I did whenever he came over.

  He waved his hand. “Maybe later. Let’s relax. You got the whirlpool up and running?”

  “Always,” I replied.

  “Let’s soak for a while. And pop in a mix like the one you made me of the new stuff that sounds like eighties new wave,” he said. “I play that all the time.”

  “Gotcha.” I gave him the thumbs-up. His willingness to have me expose him to music he didn’t ordinarily listen to was one of the reasons we bonded so well.

  I selected the requested playlist on my computer to fill the place with music, then we padded through my condo and through my bedroom to the master bath. I dimmed the overhead to a bright yellow warmth. I didn’t want to go too low for fear of coming across as seductive. I had no idea how this was going to unfold and intended to let him do all the initiating. He’d already friggin’ suggested we do the whirlpool. A man who calls all the shots. Should have known he was a bottom.

  “Awesome,” he said as he stepped up to the four-capacity tub on a platform next to my shower. He didn’t hesitate. His short muscular arms grabbed the collar of his shirt and he slipped it right up over his head.

  God forgive me, but…Holy FUCK. What a body. He had muscles in places I didn’t know muscles could exist, and I just loved his slightly top-heavy overdevelopment. His waist was so frigging tight.

  As he stepped out of his sandals, I went to a linen shelf for two big bath towels. I placed them on a hamper near the tub…just as he was slipping out of his jeans. I never saw briefs so white, and so tautly drawn across massive glutes. Oh my God. Was he getting naked?

  Drat it all to hell.

  In he went, still in his undies, his athletic physique being embraced by the water (not even H2O could resist his deepest crevasses). Grabbing his beer, which he’d placed on the rim of the tub, he treaded the tub and landed on the seat at the other end, facing me.

  “What’s up? You getting in?”

  “Yeah. How’s the temperature?”

  He sighed with an erotic groan (that water must be treating him good). “It’s perfect. Come on in.”

  “I gotta get a suit on—” I began.

  “Just get in with your skivvies on. It’s cool.”

  “Um. I don’t have any on.” I winced. What can I say? I didn’t know we were going to get half-naked before we got whole naked, and I didn’t want to constrain my Viagra cock any more than I had to.

  “It’s cool. It’s just us.”

  And my Viagra dick.

  “I’m just going to turn the jets up a bit,” I stammered quickly.

  “No prob.” He closed his eyes and dropped his head back, his arms up on the sides of the tub, revealing deep, hairless pits walled by muscle.

  His chest was big, round, and solid, and two half-dollar nipples glistened with water, erect as usual but no longer hidden by a shirt. His presence was so frickin’ real. I could see every goose bump.

  I cranked up the bubbles until the water looked like scorching lava. I could easily believe it was his HOTNESS boiling my water. Making sure his eyes were still closed, I kicked off my sneakers (so glad I was sans socks) yanked my jeans down, and stepped clumsily into the water without removing my crotch-covering T-shirt.

  DAMN! I forgot how scalding the water can be if you don’t ease into it. My cock and balls were on fire! I forced a pained smile as Jake opened his eyes. I quickly removed my T-shirt, which had already gotten soaked around the edges.

  “Good, right?” he asked.

  “Yeah,” I said, but my strained voice said otherwise.

  Bubbles danced over my erection. I checked closely to see if I could make it out. It was well hidden. The downside? I also couldn�
��t see his package in his tighty whities.

  He took another sip of his beer, then offered me the bottle. I risked the possibility of my dick falling off from alcohol poisoning and took a mouthful. What can I say? I wanted to do something sort of intimate before the big stuff. At least swap spit with the guy before I stuck my tongue up his asshole.

  I leaned back and let peace come over me. The heat penetrated my joints, and I felt my heartbeat at last slowing. I barely jumped when my foot accidentally slipped on the floor of the tub and our toes touched. He simply smiled before taking another gulp of his beer, which made me as molten on the inside as I was on the outside. He offered a final sip to me and I shook my head, so he downed it, emptying the bottle.

  “I might have to get me another one soon.” He swirled the bottle to signify that it was finished.

  “You can just leave it back there.” I pointed to a corner shelf behind him.

  “Don’t want to forget it when we get out,” he said, flipping onto his belly in the tub to place the bottle on the shelf.

  His body bounced buoyantly to the surface of the water. His thick obliques appeared, the curved lower part of his back staying submerged, and his monstrous ass rose in the center of the tub like a submarine (sandwich!). It looked like two big twin islands because the water had caused the briefs to cling even tighter to his muscles, creating a deep cavernous wedgie.

  He glanced at me glancing at his ass. “You like that?”

  “Yeah, I do,” I admitted, shaking my head in disbelief at its beauty.

  “Good. I was hoping,” he said, and finally, I saw a hint of flirtation at the corners of his mouth. “How about this?”

  He submerged his lower half, reached his hands into the water, and after some maneuvering, let his lower half raise back up as it had been before…only now, he had removed his underwear, which I saw get tossed out of the tub from the corner of my eye. I sure as hell wasn’t going to follow it and take my eyes off that ass.

  He was a naked tanner. His ass was gorgeous caramel brown and baby smooth. Since his legs were floating comfortably apart in the water, his mounds actually parted a bit, and I could see it! I could see his pucker! It was pure pink elegance! With such a slight separation of his cheeks, it was nothing more than a hairline slit. I thought I was going to pass out.

  “That’s amazing,” I muttered.

  He looked over his shoulder at me, smiling brightly. “Thanks!”

  He sounded so flattered, like he was surprised that a gay guy was so incredibly impressed by such perfection.

  “You want to get out?” he asked.

  “Yeah,” I answered quickly.

  We both stood.

  “Whoa! Guess you really do like it.” Jake pointed.

  I looked down. Bad enough I’d forgotten about being naked, but the Viagra dick had completely slipped my mind. I sort of covered it with my hands.

  Jake reached for a towel. “We’re going to have to put that guy to work.”

  I was surprised at how casual he was. I’m not one to brag, but I’m BIG. Like longer than eight inches. I was hoping a straight guy would be at least impressed, if not downright scared knowing he had agreed to have it shoved up his ass, sight unseen.

  I noticed he wasn’t erect, but he had a plump one drawn up against his crotch at the moment, two tight balls tucked underneath it. He clearly groomed down there. Was that the issue with my display? Did my slovenly, unkempt mop make my big dick look smaller?

  We both dried off and he was chatting about one of the songs playing on my computer, as nonchalantly as if we were just buddies in a locker room. It put me at ease. It felt so normal to be chumming around with him, completely naked. My occasional glances over at him were more to appreciate the beauty of his body than to drool over the idea of molesting it. Lucky me, because I was going to get to do that, too!

  “I’m grabbing another beer. Want one?” Jake asked as he wrapped the towel around his waist. He looked so friggin’ good.

  “Nah. I’m good. Be there in a sec. Just wanna straighten up in here,” I said.

  As soon as he was gone, courteous enough to take his empty bottle with him (Marry me!), I ran to my vanity mirror and got vain. I did some quick maintenance, brushed my teeth (I had done so only moments before he rang my bell, and really, if things went my way, I was just going to end up with ass breath anyway), and then exhaled my anxiety. I hurriedly sucked my stomach in upon seeing it expand as a result. Don’t get me wrong, I do go to the gym, just not as often as I should. Luckily, I have one of those naturally contoured physiques, so when I’m fully dressed, people think I work out heavily.

  I took my almost hot bod into my bedroom.

  There was Jake, all beefcake on the bed, propped up against a pillow with one muscle-bound arm tucked behind his head, his other arm on the mattress with a beer bottle in his hand. He still had his towel on, but he had one leg propped up, creating an enticing slit. I could see the entire back of his tree trunk thigh, right down to where his ass began.

  I still had my towel on, too, but it was so uncomfortable because my Viagra dick was all caught up in the knot around my waist.

  “Are we ready?” he asked.

  “Sure. I’m up for it whenever you’re ready,” I stated flatly, trying not to let my nerves get a hold of my throat and force a crack into my voice.

  “No doubt you are,” Jake reminded me, placing his beer bottle on a nightstand.

  I dug into my bureau drawer for the lubrication and condoms I’d had to buy in preparation for the possibility of tonight. When I turned back, Jake had assumed the position, with his towel opened and draped on the bed underneath him. His two obscenely meaty legs were pulled up to his chest, his hands grasping his calves to keep them in place. And his ass, I don’t even know how to describe it. It simply swelled in all directions. Now I could see the perfect gorge that held his pucker. It was slightly whiter than the rest of his tanned ass, with the pink bull’s-eye looking right at me.

  “Let’s get this party started!” he cheered. “You hungry for this?”

  “I just heard my stomach growl,” I responded.

  He laughed and his hole pulsed from the contraction of his gut muscles.

  I put the container of lube and condoms down on the free side of the mattress, then grabbed another pillow from the head of my bed. “If you could just maybe tuck this under your butt, it’ll raise it up for me.”

  He power moved his frame, rocking back on his shoulders and head so I could slip the pillow under his butt.

  “Perfect,” I said.

  “Why, thank you,” he responded, and I wasn’t sure if he was joking or if he thought I was truly making a statement about his ass. I let him have that one. I was thinking it, after all.

  I positioned myself stomach down on the bed with my face right near his ass. My legs hung off the edge of the mattress, and I slightly tilted onto one hip so my cock wouldn’t be crushed under me. I finally undid my towel from my waist and left it spread underneath me.

  He smelled like a hint of moisture, thanks to my whirlpool. I gazed at his slit, which was only half an inch long. It was the most virginal asshole I’d seen since I had begun examining my own asshole in a hand mirror when I was fourteen. Ah, those were the days…

  Amazingly, there was the daintiest line of brunette hairs circumventing his pucker, as if drawn on with a thin Magic Marker. His testicles, the left one bigger than the right, had smooth, silky strands on them, and were pulled tightly to his body. I’d love to lick them, but I didn’t know if there was room for improv, because we hadn’t discussed anything. It would have been nice to have sucked on his pretty mouth for a while, too.

  I also noticed that his plump cock was just lying lazily on its side. Didn’t look all that long to me, but it also wasn’t erect. Which made me wonder…

  “You sure you’re ready for this?” I asked over his cock and balls.

  “No. I often get into this position with my friends just for the fun of
it,” he wisecracked.

  And speaking of cracks…

  “Okay. Here goes.” I moved in, opened my mouth, let my tongue begin sliding out, took hold of the sides of his ballooning ass cheeks (they were hard as rock), and then ever so gently touched the tip of my tongue against his warmth.

  “OH!” he gasped, his whole body heaving with the sigh.

  OH! my mind gasped. I just stuck my tongue in the hot muscle ass of my straight friend from work!

  I couldn’t resist. I did it again, giving it a lick with barely any actual contact this time, leaving his mind to fill in the gap instead of having my tongue completely fill the gap.

  “Fuck!” Jake barked.

  This was the moment where I so wanted to say, “Yeah! You like that? You like when I lick your straight man’s asshole?” But, of course, this was reality, so I had to play along and make sure he didn’t feel like he was doing the “gay” thing. So I slithered my man tongue up the length of his crack and made him groan. I watched in amazement as the folds of his flaccid dick began to iron out. The chubby piece of flesh moved of its own accord, changing direction and heading upward. I was impressed. He was growing fast, and growing fairly big. He was probably almost seven inches long (it was hard to tell from this vantage point), but the thickness of his cock made it look somewhat shorter, not to mention that the large body it was attached to tended to dwarf it.

  How badly I wanted to nuzzle my nose into his naked balls, lick around the tight scrotum, and then up his shaft and over and down on his head. But he hadn’t made any request for a blowjob, and hell, I was already being taken advantage of, considering my tongue was bathing his asshole.

  I licked up the sides of his glutes, so smooth with only a hint of musk. He tasted so fresh and clean. I avoided direct contact with his pucker, and it pulsed at the flirtation, making Jake wheeze quietly. Yet that damn slit still remained predominantly sealed.

  I pushed my face in between his two mounds, pressing my nostrils up against the cool, firm texture of his perineum, smelling the whirlpool water scent that had dried into the flesh. With my tongue embedded in his opening, I did a quick, rhythmic flicking of my tongue in the still predominantly dry orifice.