Funny Bone

by Daniel W. Kelly

  “That’s good, man,” he said through gritted teeth.

  I was so proud of myself. I was using such restraint. If this had been a gay ass my face was buried in, I’d probably already have lockjaw from gnawing away at it lustfully. Instead, I was remembering what it was like to be passionate and gentle. I was putting love back into the lovemaking…despite the fact that there was no love involved here.

  I thought back to the early days, before my asshole had become desensitized to such pleasures. How was the joy of rimming sustained?

  Drying the crack and starting over!

  So I pulled, back, amazed all over again each time I got a visual reminder of the glorious crack I had fallen between. I ever so gently pursed my lips and blew up and down the slit, making it quiver, seeing the tiny line of hairs spring back to life as my thin layer of saliva dried.

  “Whoa! Damn, you know how to lick an ass!” Jake exclaimed. I glanced quickly over his hairless package. He wasn’t even looking at me. His head was back against his pillow and I think he had his eyes closed.

  I smiled at the odd compliment loosely tossed into thin air. Especially considering Jake had never had his ass licked before, so he had nothing with which to compare it.

  With the valley dry again, I tried a new approach. I tilted my head so I could sideswipe the slot.

  “Son of a bitch, that’s great! This shit’s amazing!”

  I decided it was time. I got on my knees as if to worship his holy shrine (his hole shrine?), placed both hands on the back of his thighs to balance myself…and I fucking feasted, feeling resistance in his tight anal muscles. Exhaustion set into the back of my tongue from my efforts. I had to loosen this damn thing up—for his own good. I rammed my face deeper, putting my lips into it. I brushed my coarse facial whiskers against the tender flesh within.

  “Whoa! Whoa! WHOA! What are you doing to me? Good Christ! That’s unbelievable! I can’t take it! WHOA!”

  I heard and felt both of his hands pound into my mattress, over and over. The bed was rocking; he was shaking madly. His thighs trembled in my hands. I could taste the tension leaking from his anus. The flesh became more pliable. I pushed my tongue deeper, wiggling the tip and tasting the spicier insides that were scorching my buds. I locked my mouth on him and sucked inward, pulling savagely on the flesh with my suction.

  “I can’t—” he choked. “No more! CHRIS!”

  I pulled away with a pop as his huge legs came crashing down around me. He was finally looking at me across the length of his chiseled torso, his brown eyes dazed, his round pecs rising and falling quickly. I swiped a hand at my mouth to catch the saliva that slathered it.

  “Are you okay?” I asked nervously, unsure of what had just happened. Did I just totally freak him out? Was this it? Was it over? Was I about to get my head beaten in?

  “It was too good, man. I just didn’t know where to go with it anymore,” he willingly admitted.

  I let out a relieved sigh. “I’m sorry, it’s just, there’s a real method to this whole thing. I need to prep you—”

  “I get it. Like getting a pussy all wet, right?”

  “Uh…yeah…sort of.” I tried not to cringe at the mention of that word.

  “Thanks, man. For all of this. You’re taking me to new places.”

  “It means a lot to me that you trusted me enough to ask me.”

  He smiled and I practically liquefied.

  “Let’s not get all gay and mushy.” He smirked, sitting up and clapping me on the back. “Let’s just have fun. Man to man. What’s next?”

  “I think we’re ready,” I said. “You ready?”

  “He seems to think so.” Jake pointed to his nicely swollen cock, which had a wonderful and natural upward curve. I’d have given anything to sit on it and bounce. But alas, that’s not why we were here.

  “Okay,” I said, grabbing the container of lube and unwrapping a condom. “Personally, I think for a first time, it’s always best to have it inserted on all fours.”

  He got up on his knees. “Okay. You’re the master. How do you want to do this?”

  “Um. How about face the headboard and just drop over a pillow?”

  As I slipped on the condom, he crawled boyishly around the mattress until he was in position. I was loving my cock’s rigidity. It felt like it was somehow bigger, filled with an extra dose of blood and straight as an arrow.

  I stared at his broad back and those beefy buns as he lined up in front of the pillow. He looked over his shoulder, making sure I was ready, almost as if he didn’t want to just be hanging out doggy style for no reason. I guess maybe he was beginning to realize how vulnerable he was allowing himself to be.

  “You still cool?” I checked.

  He sent me a close-lipped smile and nodded, and I could read the nervousness and the excitement clashing. “I can do this.”

  “We’re only going to go as much as you feel comfortable with,” I assured him. “You get any weirdness, I stop immediately. I know how much you’re putting out there when you do this.”

  “Very cool,” he said, and I sensed the relief in his voice.

  He dropped down, and his two huge cheeks burst forth. I thought they were going to bounce into me and send me toppling off the bed.

  “Jake, I can’t believe what an unbelievable ass you have.” I spoke without thinking.

  “Cut it out. You’re gonna embarrass me,” he said from the pillow his head was on.

  “Sorry. This is just all a bit surreal to me. Now, this is going to be a little cold.”

  “I know. I get this during the colonic, too.”

  “Oh. Right. Okay. Just try to let the center of your back drop more.” I walked on my knees to get behind him.

  His slot appeared, noticeably more dilated than its original retention. His balls were being hugged between his big thighs, and his cock was still swollen.

  I dug the pasty lube from the container with my finger and painted it into his crack. His hole shivered, allowing my fingertip to dip slightly into it. The area was so incredibly smooth and slick because he had virtually no hair.

  “Just going to use my finger to lubricate the inside a bit,” I explained.

  Incredible. His tightness embraced my finger. He let out a little moan.

  “That’s it,” he said. “That’s that sensation I get when she puts in the tube. It’s such a turn-on.”

  I could tell he was having an uncontrollable reaction to the slight stimulation of his prostate. Clear, stringy liquid dribbled from the head of his cock to the bath towel spread across the mattress.

  “Okay. But this is a bit different. I mean, this isn’t going to sit still. There’s going to be movement. Tell me how this feels.” I pulled my finger out of him, feeling his insides close as I exited. Before I was all the way out, I slid back in, a tad faster than the first time.

  “Ummm. Still nice,” he said softly.

  Out again. So silky smooth. In more swiftly.

  “UUUUUhhhhh,” he moaned.

  I finger fucked him, gentle but persistent. I actually saw his back arch. He was feeling it the right way.

  “It’s good, man. It’s really good!”

  Should I build him up? Do the two-finger test?

  Hell no. I wasn’t so pampered my first time.

  I took my finger out. It was time.

  “Okay. Somewhat bigger now. I’m going to put on some more lubricant and go slow. If it hurts, you holler.”

  “Go for it. This is amazing.”

  Now the nerves returned, swimming hand in hand through my scrotum with erotic anxiety. I was so fucking hot to do this, but I was also terrified that either I would do it all wrong because I’m so bottom, or it would be too much for him and he’d call the whole thing off.

  “Just relax and don’t tense up,” I warned him, lubricating the condom, then rubbing more lube in his crack. Looking down at my cock and measuring it up with his hole, it suddenly seemed much bigger than I’d ever wished it could be.
I didn’t think that tiny slot would be able to accommodate me.

  “I’m an old pro at this,” he insisted. “The colonic therapist has me breathe into it.”

  Then start breathing, pussyboy, the overactive fantasy realm of my brain wanted me to bark. Of course, I said nothing. I placed the head of my cock against his hole. I had to take one leg out of the kneeling position and get on my foot so I could angle my crotch correctly. I slowly began pushing in.

  I watched the lips of his anus fold inward to absorb me. My head was gigantic! When did it get this big? Finally, the ridge I’d been able to make out through the foggy material of the rubber disappeared. Jake’s anus retracted around it so that it was now sitting snugly inside. Jake didn’t make a sound.

  I proceeded. I inched my way in (more like, millimetered my way in), welcoming the incredible sensation of a tight inner ring squeezing the length of my shaft. It’s a feeling you have to experience to understand—and it made me wonder why the hell I opted to offer my ass so often instead of doing this.

  “Uuuh,” Jake groaned quietly as two inches of me made it in.

  “Uuuhh.” His voice climbed a few notes higher with another inch.

  My cock was being strangled. Autoerotic ass-dicks-elation.

  “UUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNN!”

  I could hear Jake “breathe into it” as another two inches were swallowed. His hands had found my comforter and were wringing it tightly. I could see his gorgeous, sharp-featured profile pressed against my pillow. His deep tan was turning beet red. What a trouper. What a man.

  I punctured that point where the rectum opens up into a larger cavern, giving my cockhead some breathing room of its own as his sphincter still gripped my shaft.

  “Almost there. Just two more inches,” I lied. I fed him more of my cock.

  One more inch disappeared, and then I nearly jumped out of my rubber as Jake growled deeply, “Aaarrrrrhhhhhhh! I can’t, Chris!”

  “Do you want me to stop?” I asked anxiously.

  He was panting. I could see his whole back expanding.

  “No…no…just, no more than that. I don’t think I can handle any more. It’s hurting.”

  “Okay. Just relax for a second and get used to it. First time’s a bitch. But once I start the momentum, it’s going to change. You’re going to feel a loosening, and then it will start to tickle. I promise.”

  “You better not be messing with me, or your ass is mine.” Jake sounded like he was actually trying to regain his hetero control, even with a dick jammed up his ass.

  “Okay. I’m going to come out a bit.” I got back on both knees carefully to create my own comfort zone and allow for more control. I withdrew slowly, feeling Jake’s inner walls shrinking back into place behind me. I got myself to the point where my head was about to pop out, then gripped his chunky cheeks, my thumbs placed on the insides of his crack. I used them to pull his ass apart, stretching his anal muscles and opening his tight hole. I began the inward trip again.

  “Mmmmmmm—OOOH!” He pitched up again as the length got him good. “Easy, man!”

  “Okay.” I started the process again. Almost all the way out. Almost all the way in. He hitched in his throat and exhaled through his nose. The sounds were so alive in the quiet of my room. Did it again. Less tension in the breaths. Once more. The exhale turning into a sigh. And another inch of me slipping into him, leaving only a half inch out in the cold. I stayed inside and slowly thrust my hips to give about an inch leeway of movement back and forth.

  “Uhn…uhn…uhn…uhn…uhn…”

  His quiet but constant grunts were so sexy, partly because I knew exactly what he was feeling. That transition from painful, to uncomfortable but oddly stimulating…

  “UH…UH…UH…UH…”

  …and now, opening a world of wonder. I extended the thrusts. Two inches out, two inches in.

  “That’s good…that’s good…that’s good…that’s good…”

  Three inches out. Three inches in.

  “Aah…aah…aah…aah…aah…”

  Five inches out, five inches in.

  “Aaaw!…Aaaw!…Aaaw!…Aaaw!…”

  Seven inches out, until just the head was sunk, then seven inches all the way back in. Now I was able to really witness the beauty of it: those two huge balloons covered in a thin layer of sweat, sparkling on the nearly translucent hairs that covered them. And my cock making minced meat out of that tense pucker.

  “Oh…fuck…what’re…you…do…ing…to…me…man…that’s…un…be…liev…able.”

  I came out until just the urethral opening was positioned at the hole and then took an eight-plus-inch plunge all the way in.

  I never thought I’d hear such a high-pitched squeal emit from the natural bass larynx that belonged to Jake. I’d hit it hard—that spot that most men don’t know exists, or are unwilling to even contemplate, because giving in to it means losing all self-control.

  He pressed the upper bulk of his body so deeply into my mattress to accept me that it looked like I was fucking two big caramel beach balls. I may not be a professional top, but I’d seen enough movies to know what that self-positioning required. I lifted off my knees and landed on my feet, still in him. I needed to hold myself up. I put my hands in the most convenient place—the rock-hard slabs of Jake’s back. I leapfrogged the fuck out of him, forcing short staccato stabs of pleasure from his vocal cords. Leaning so far over him, I could fully appreciate the relinquishing of control. His brown eyes were wide open, drool spilled out of the corner of his open mouth and onto my pillowcase (I was never going to wash it again), and his charmingly dated Caesar cut was soaked with knife blades of perspiration.

  And finally, he did it. He looked up at me. He gave recognition to the fact that this was a man bringing him this pleasure. His eyes communicated that I was the master of his chakras right now (he’s so into that chakra crap). Then his expression changed to the ultimate sign of sexual arousal. The strained, crow’s feet-inducing constipated look of a man whose bowels don’t know how to process the pleasure, but are no longer strong enough to ward off the ecstasy attack. His lips quivered, his eyes watered, nonverbally begging me to stop, but also to keep going.

  My Viagra dick was so up to the challenge. I couldn’t believe how nonexistent was the urge to cum. One reason I was not a top more often was because I never lasted very long. A couple of thrusts inside a warm tunnel and I’d squirt it, leaving a very sore and unsatisfied partner to wonder why he had submitted to all that pain without the payoff of getting to the pleasure part.

  But not this time. I was grinding and gyrating and digging and pounding and…

  Oops! Forgot there was an inexperienced hetero ass under me. Jake had begun a sort of sexual sobbing, and he was practically suffocating in the pillow while I was daydreaming. He’d stepped into the paralysis zone, where the erogenous overload zaps away all powers of motor skills. If he’d had use of them, I’d most likely be plastered against my ceiling right now from his tossing me off of him.

  I didn’t want him to go into withdrawal shock, so I didn’t pull right out, but petered off (so-to-speak), until I was finally inching in and out slow enough to remove myself entirely. I climbed my way off him, slipping on the sweat between his back and my palms to come crash landing on the bed beside him.

  He didn’t move, didn’t look at me. He just stayed in that vision of a position with that bubble ass raised high, heaving gutturally, trying to get his strength back. Damned if this wasn’t the Instagram opportunity of a lifetime. And a perfect selfie photobomb shot if I were to just stick my face cheek against his ass cheek.

  Next dilemma: what do you say to a big muscle head straight guy whose ass you just totally tore apart? I wished I could kiss him, hug him, stroke his hair. Instead, I just stayed sprawled out on the bed on my back, looking at the ceiling, very aware of my still-hard, gloved cock against my belly, sticky with lubricant.

  Finally, he gulped and picked himself onto his arms. His tr
iceps flashed their amazing dimples. Still on all fours, he looked at me and said, “I really need to shoot my load.”

  “Oh. Okay. Do you want me to leave the room or something?”

  “No. I want it again. But not as crazy. Can it be more controlled?”

  “Um…the most control would be if you sat on it and did the work,” I explained. Oh yeah. I did him good. This straight bitch is hooked!

  “Okay. Let’s try that.”

  I climbed off the bed, grabbed the lube, and pointed to a low easy chair in the corner of my bedroom with square-edged armrests that flowed right into the back of the chair. It was a pretty sturdy piece of furniture. I sat down and slumped into it, extending my legs forward so I was almost lying horizontal.

  “Okay, you can straddle my legs and then you’ll be able to control your up-and-down motion,” I explained. He kicked one leg over my lower body, facing me, holding his hard cock in one hand and stroking it unconsciously. He looked at me, seemingly confused as to how to proceed. I was kind of surprised he opted for a face-to-face fuck. It was quite intimate. “All right, move up until you’re hovering over my dick.”

  I rolled the disheveled condom down my shaft until it was smooth again. I quickly smeared on a dollop of lube.

  Jake’s luscious physique was still oiled with sweat and I was catching hints of pit stink. I kind of liked it. He stepped up and over my cock.

  “Now, try and sense where your asshole is and squat slowly down on me,” I instructed as I held my cock straight up.

  “I got it,” he assured me, and pretty swiftly found his way onto my cock. He sank almost all the way down. His pumped legs rippled as he held himself in place, nicely impaled. He began to do squats over me, quickly getting the hang of how to make his insides happy. “Um…good. You know your anal action.”

  I said nothing, just watched the incredibly masculine way in which he propelled himself up and down, veins popping on one arm as he stroked his cock in time. Every muscle in his body was standing out with pride. His nipples jutted prominently from the lower part of his pecs. I decided to be adventurous. Since I wasn’t doing anything right now besides acting as a human dildo, I grabbed the lube I’d rested on the armrest and scooped a large glob on one finger. I then touched my two index fingers together and shared the cool paste between them.