Funny Bone

by Daniel W. Kelly

  “Tell me if this feels awkward or anything,” I said to him.

  I reached up and used the lube-like finger paint on his large areolas. They were so smooth and velvety under my fingertips. I watched his stern and focused expression for any signs of being grossed out by the male contact. He simply closed his eyes, his jaw clenched once again. I don’t know if he was blocking out the vision of a man doing this to him or if he was just loving the sensation. I circled inward to his large nubs and tickled the very tips with super fast swirls.

  “Ho fuck, that’s good!” he huffed, his heated breath tickling my chest hairs.

  His pecs poked forward to open up to the contact. I began to ever so gently pluck his nipples between my index fingers and thumbs. They were so shrunken with hardness that I had to really nip at them.

  “OH GEEZ!” His eyes burst open.

  I was being crushed. His hips were losing control as his ass and cock fell out of sync on their thrusting, each being stimulated in its own time. His legs sort of quit holding him up. I was still yanking on his nipples, and his rectum muscles were squeezing relentlessly on my cock. There wasn’t a part of me from the waist down that wasn’t in severe pain right now.

  “HOLY FUCK!” he barked. God, forgive him, too…

  I only momentarily saw his eyes bulge out of his head before thick streams of white liquid began to rain all over my face, which, much to my embarrassment, did a spastic dance not like the one his ass was doing on my cock.

  “Oh…fuck! Sorry…man!” He began laughing while squirting, doing both uncontrollably.

  My face scrunched up as I was utterly bombarded by jizz. I got it in my hair, almost in an eye, up a nostril, and naturally, an initial unexpected shot right across and partially in the mouth. By about the fifth release, it finally tapered off, hitting me across the chest for the few remaining squirts.

  Still draining the remains from his piss slit, he was totally losing it, laughing his ass off, although, not off my crushed waist. “Man! I’m sorry! That felt so fucking amazing! You had to see your face! I never came so hard in my life! That’s the funniest thing I ever saw!”

  He was caught between two totally different emotions at the same time, and it was all getting wrapped up in a mishmash of messages.

  “Jake, could you just get off me? You’re crushing me.”

  “Oh yeah. Sor—” he began, cracking up again as he dismounted. “Dude, seriously, that was great.”

  He reached a hand out to help me off the chair. I’d sunk to new levels.

  “Um. You got some cum on your face.” He pointed and then broke into a new fit, his eyes tearing.

  I felt every friggin’ blob of the stuff, some of it threatening to drip off at any second. “You’re an asshole, you know that?”

  “Here. Here.” He handed me one of the towels from the bed.

  I took it and did a quick wipe, feeling the already caking cream simply smear across my eyebrows, my nose, and my lips. And I saw him trying to hold back another laugh.

  “It was awesome, man. Really. You did right by me.” He pulled me in for a hetero back slap hug, but stopped halfway. “Ew. Don’t want to get any of that shit on me.”

  “Total fucking hetero dick,” I griped, now trying to rub the clumps out of my chest hair, thinking of how typically self-centered he was, assuming the privilege had been all mine, like him cumming on my face was doing me a favor, not to mention him not caring that I didn’t even get to cum, too. Total arrogant power trip heterosexual male attitude.

  “So,” he finally sobered from his giggle fit, “you think we could do this every once in a while?”

  “Hell yeah. No prob.”

  Gay Man on Campus

  “Guys, where are you taking me?” Aaron asked his schoolmates self-consciously as he was led blindly through the deserted halls of their wing of dorm rooms. It was the middle of holiday vacation, and he and a few of the other guys had stayed on campus to go skiing in the mountains that towered over their New England college.

  Or was that not the plan? Still drizzled in drops of water from his recent shower, wearing only a towel around his lean waist, with one big bear paw of football player Rocky firmly pressed over his eyes and the other planted between his shoulder blades, Aaron’s first thought was, What if they decided it was time to gangbang the token fag? His second thought was, I could take it…

  Had the sophomore jock crowd, to whose dorm hall he’d been assigned for his freshman year, been playing him, waiting for this isolated instance on campus to pull the ultimate prank on him? The only thing he really had in common with them was that they wore jockstraps and he liked looking at men in jockstraps. Yet they’d adopted him like a younger brother. When they weren’t piling into his and Rocky’s room to use his video game system on Rocky’s flat screen HDTV (one reason he and Rocky had hit it off from moment one), they were dragging him along on testosterone-filled excursions—from barhopping to strip clubs—even after they’d learned he was gay.

  Rocky, his roommate, had first broached the subject with him a month ago, the night before Thanksgiving break, after they’d hung out with the gang and talk had turned to how turkey dinner made them horny, followed by stories of supposed great turkey day sex. Aaron, clutching a game controller, had vehemently insisted he was too absorbed in zapping aliens to contribute a story of his own. So when he and Rocky were alone in their dorm room at bedtime, Rocky had leaned over the edge of the top bunk and asked, “So, dude. What’s the deal? You like stuffing other guys’ turkeys?”

  Before he could stop himself, Aaron heard the words “I don’t know; I haven’t tried it yet” coming out of his sweet potato pie hole.

  Rocky had flipped out…when he learned that Aaron was a virgin. He had immediately called the nearly asleep dorm crew back into their room to announce, “Yo, dudes. We gotta get this dick licker laid.”

  And so Aaron had been outed with no say in the matter. And it didn’t matter. The clan of football, basketball, and rugby players was bizarrely cool with it, perhaps because the biggest and most threatening of them all was not fazed by having a roommate who “licked dick.” In general, for the trio of months before Rocky even found out Aaron was gay, he seemed genuinely secure in his sexuality. From day one he would say things to Aaron like: “My man, you need to be a model or something”; “Mofo, I only wish I could be as fucking pretty as you”; “Dude, you need to start working that shit and get some girls up here for me.”

  Rocky, with his bulldog face, scrunched boxer’s nose, bleach blond relaxed Mohawk, and rotund, muscular-obese body, might not be a “stud,” but his adolescent charisma and tender green eyes wouldn’t have found Aaron complaining should the top bunk give way one night and plunge Rocky’s mass down onto him—with the hope that such a random accident would also just happen to take place when Rocky was lying on his stomach with an erection that just happened to plunge down into Aaron’s asshole.

  Yeah. When Rocky dropped the scary act, the beast of a guy could charm the gay out of anyone.

  Aaron had been inducted into the gang’s bodybuilding sessions, and he had gotten them into cardio via dance video games. Although they liked to refer to the dance games as Aaron’s “video gays,” they became hooked, having serious dance marathons that had caused the students in the room below them to run out of the dorm screaming “Earthquake!” the first time Rocky tried.

  Although surrounded by more mature guys (just his type), Aaron never showed any physical signs of excitement around them. He kept desire compartmentalized, despite communal showering and beefcake running around in towels, tighty whities, even naked, with no shame or modesty. Aaron was convinced the guys sort of got off on flaunting their wares in front of him, competing for his attention. He had even gotten over his own privacy issues and begun letting it all hang out…once he was confident that “it” wasn’t going to stand up…

  Right now, under these mysterious circumstances, he felt incredibly exposed and vulnerable. He tried to pul
l away from Rocky’s grasp and muttered, “Guys, I don’t feel comfortable with this—”

  “It’s all right, Down-Low. You’re going to love this.” Lonny, a black rugby player with a shaved head, thick goatee, phenomenally developed body, and deep bass voice, grasped Aaron’s wrist with a rough, callused hand. “Down-Low” was his nickname for Aaron, although it didn’t make much sense considering they all knew he was gay.

  “Be cool. We’re hooking you up,” a soft voice spoke as a new hand grabbed Aaron’s other wrist. It belonged to Chul, who, with his exotic, dark Asian eyes, smooth as silk skin, sharp cheekbones, and tall, lean, and ripped basketball player’s body, was one of those comforting souls who didn’t seem like he would harm anyone.

  There was the sound of a door opening, and Aaron was dragged and pushed forward gently but firmly. Justin, another lanky and lean dorm mate from the basketball team, with ruddy features, brownish-red hair, a full Brillo beard, loads of tattoos, and the token fisherman’s cap he only removed for basketball games, whooped it up with an, “Oh yeah! Here we are! Bring him in, boys!”

  Aaron was stopped. There was the unnerving sound of a door banging closed, which caused his shoulders to jump.

  “Yo. Relax,” Rocky said from behind Aaron. His thick hand, which had grown clammy and hot over Aaron’s face, was removed. “Surprise!”

  Aaron saw spots as his eyes readjusted to the light. He recognized a desk, cluttered with books and education tools, as that of two unfortunate geeks who had landed in this dorm wing and not been welcomed into the popular jock crowd as Aaron had—partly because of their constant complaining about the noise, adolescent pranks, and partying. The walls of their room were covered in science posters, including a huge periodic table of the elements and a chart of evolution. Hanging from the ceiling was a model of the solar system. However, of more interest to Aaron was what was hanging off the lower bunk. “What did you guys—?”

  Before he could absorb what he was seeing, his towel was yanked from around his waist by Justin. Aaron grabbed for it, but Justin had balled it up and passed it, basketball style, to Chul, who was standing several feet away. Chul, in turn, rebounded it onto the top bunk.

  “I’m getting the hell out of here!” Aaron turned to leave hurriedly.

  A thick hand slammed against the door right in front of his face, practically leaving a dent in the wood. The sound echoed through the empty hall on the other side.

  “Hell no. We scored you a nice piece of hairy ass, and tonight’s the night you lose it,” Rocky said, turning Aaron around to look at what they had gotten him.

  For each fast, jittery shake of Aaron’s head, Rocky’s big head responded with a single slow and assured nod.

  “Come on, dude,” Rocky provoked him. “I looked through your cookies on your laptop. I know what you like. Check it out. We got a big nasty shaggy ass, carpeted shit hole, and hairy ball bag.”

  It was obscene—and beautiful, indeed like something Aaron would see on the Internet. Jutting out over the edge of the bottom bunk was a swelling, rounded fuzzy ass, with a big pair of furry testicles hanging between thick thighs that were yanked to extreme distances. Feet dangled off the bed, the ankles tied with rope to the corner bunk posts. Around the calves were secured arms that had been snaked between the thighs. The man attached to that ass had to feel like a pretzel right about now.

  Aaron tried to peer around the side of the naked man. He could make out a solid, hairy upper body pressed close to the mattress, and a buzzed head pressed into a pillow, with numerous bonds circling it. “Who…who is that?”

  “Don’t worry. He can’t hear ya.” Chul pointed to a familiar electronic gadget sitting on the geeks’ desk, a white wire extending to and around the stubbly head. “He’s got twenty hours of gay techno shit blasting through his brain.”

  “And he’s blindfolded,” Lonny added. “And he’s been gagged. So he don’t know who’s going to be doing what to him…and he won’t be able to scream when you give it to him good.”

  Rocky huffed nastily. “And he deserves everything you’re gonna give him.”

  “Who is it?” Aaron demanded to know, completely forgetting he was naked as the four bigger college students stood around waiting for him to get to work.

  “It’s your loverman, Abercrombie.” Justin used his nickname for Aaron as he stretched his thin and veiny muscular arms behind his back, a habit that had begun on the basketball court.

  “Not—” Aaron’s eyes grew wide in shock.

  “Oh-ho-ho, yeeeaaaahhhh,” Rocky droned, his thick eyebrows forming an evil V. “Professor Pervy.”

  “You guys are crazy,” Aaron stammered, reaching for the doorknob again. “We’ll get kicked out of school.”

  As before, the door was stomped by Rocky’s bear paw. “You know he wants your shit. And it’s time for some payback for all those rectals.”

  Professor Turvy, nicknamed Pervy by the students, was the college health teacher and campus nurse practitioner. He was also infamous for being slyly inappropriate with male students—one of the benefits of being fully tenured. A male could simply visit his office for an aspirin for a headache and end up with an ass ache as well. No matter what the complaint, he’d insist on giving a full physical—including a rectal, for he claimed much of what ails us begins and ends in the colon. Each of the dorm mates present had fallen victim to Pervy. It had become an initiation rite for newbies: send a naïve freshman down to Pervy’s office to ask for something like nasal spray or cough syrup. When said freshman returned to the dorm room quite a while later, undeniable humiliation etched into his face, he’d be greeted by a gang of guys armed with tubes of KY, which they’d squirt all over him, covering him from head to toe while jabbing at the seat of his jeans with their index fingers.

  Aaron was thinking now it had been a mistake to confess to Rocky just a week ago that he’d popped a boner on the day of his initiation, because Turvy was totally his type—short and stocky, bald, dark, and hairy with hard features. When Turvy had seen the response his “examination” was sparking in Aaron, he’d spent a particularly long amount of time probing around with two fingers—and later asked Aaron if he’d like to go out for a beer sometime. Aaron had quickly pointed out that he was only eighteen and fled the office, arriving back at the dorm without the aspirin Rocky had requested…and soon finding himself coated in globs of KY.

  “This is against his will,” Aaron said.

  “You think I wanted two white fingers up my black ass when I went down there for a friggin’ Band-Aid?” Lonny argued.

  “But—”

  “Butt-FUCK!” Rocky cut Aaron off, his round cheeks turning red, his green eyes blazing. “Dude, I didn’t jump a hairy fairy for the fun of it. I want your cock up his ass, pronto. You’re not getting outta here until it happens.”

  “Rocky, please,” Aaron begged, sensing that terrifying psychological violation known as peer pressure poking around his brain. “You’re scaring me.”

  Rocky’s monstrous arm, hidden beneath a thick winter sweater, draped around Aaron’s naked neck, part playfully, part menacingly. “You know you’re my man. I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t really wanna do. And I know you wanna do this. You frickin’ talk about Pervy like he’s the second coming. Now it’s time for you to have your first coming.”

  The other guys, lined up against the wall in front of the periodic table, cheered him on like they were at a sports game.

  “Rocky, you know me. I wouldn’t do something like this to someone unless they wanted it as much as I did.” Aaron tried reasoning with the roommate he had come to trust deeply, who seemed to be completely defying that trust by forcing him dangerously out of his realm of comfort.

  “I got a little something to show you,” Rocky said.

  Rocky’s arm released its near chokehold on Aaron’s neck, but was quickly replaced with the big bear paw, the claws digging sharply into his nerves. He was firmly ushered across the room, his bare feet sl
apping against the floor, until he was only inches from the hairy ass. When Rocky crouched in front of it, Aaron was forced to do the same.

  “What do we have here?” Rocky pointed with his free hand as he moved Aaron’s face in closer with the other. “Is that…is it so? Why yes! Pervy has a raging hard-on! For all he knows, he could have been kidnapped and tied up by a serial killer. YET. There’s your evidence. The dude gets off on this shit. Those rumors about his kinky lifestyle ain’t no rumors. He’s digging this shit. He’s waiting for the payoff. He doesn’t even know who put him in this position, or what they’re going to do to him, but he’s anticipating it anyway.”

  Hidden in the shadows and thick tufts of curly black hair between the health teacher’s legs, there was indeed a pink, curved cock dragging the mattress, leaving a shiny streak of precum on the bottom bunk blanket.

  “This is insane.” Aaron swallowed hard. Perspiration was breaking out on his scalp, under his thick, still moist layers of hair. Worst of all, between his legs, his cock was rushing to full staff. He was only inches away from an entire undeniably delectable man area. His natural masculine instinct was taking over, and his mind was flooded with visuals of what the experience would be like.

  Rocky smiled. “Once you get a taste of this, all your nervousness will go away. Trust me. Just a taste.” He practically whispered the last word, and the hiss penetrated Aaron’s psyche.

  Aaron’s senses both awakened and numbed simultaneously as he realized he was being pushed closer to the object that had been the object of his adolescent desire as he came face-to-face (actually, face-to-ass) with his sexuality.

  “Just take a whiff of it.” Rocky’s voice was soothing Aaron into submission.