Funny Bone

by Daniel W. Kelly

He verbally abused me in his native tongue as he gripped my buns with his claw-like hands, frequently placing a fist firmly against my cheeks with a thud. Then his arms encircled me as he rose up on his work boots, and he was soon tugging at my hair-covered nipples, which were like stone. He bounced on my entire frame, doing push-ups with his cock.

  I had to give him at least a little taste of his own medicine. I sucked and salivated on my index finger and reached my hand through my own legs in search of his virgin hole. He groaned with pleasure as I found his perineum. I was sure he knew what I was about to do, but he was in too much ecstasy to argue.

  “Uuuuggghhh!” he grunted as my finger slid into his tight tunnel, which gripped it immediately.

  “Take it like a fucking man!”

  “I can take it like a fucking man! Fuck me while I fuck you!” he said.

  My finger disappeared in a cave of taut flesh and hair. “You love this, don’t you?”

  “Oh yeah. Come on. Give me another. I’ll show you who’s the man, maricón! Aaarrgghh!” Reno sucked it up as I opened him wider with a second finger. “Shit! That feels good!”

  Reno’s buns of rock squeezed the hell out of my fingers. The rectal massage seemed to give his fuck job more vigor, and I knew I was going to shoot. When I begged him to jerk me off, he gladly wrapped one huge hand around my meat.

  Splat! The first huge drop of pearly white jism hit the Plexiglas, followed quickly by another…and another.

  “You’re wringing the fuck outta my cock!” Reno cried as my sphincter reacted to the orgasm. “I’m gonna fucking cum!”

  He vacated my manhole and shouted Spanish expletives, pelting my back and buttocks with what my epidermis would describe as a steaming load. Then his wet tongue was running over my cheeks as he drank every ounce of his own juice. Finally, we dropped down on our backs on the glass floor and stared each other down (hungrily), our solid chests expanding in unison, mine naked, his in a now soaking-wet tee.

  “I gotta get me a Spanish dictionary,” I said.

  “You can afford it. You’ve got a job,” Reno said, getting off the floor and tossing me a “Don’t make me bounce that ass” tee of my very own.

  Gay Man Off Campus

  It was the end of the first full day skiing in the mountains for the gang of five college guys. Chul, who’d learned plenty of family secrets to making healthy Asian wok dishes, had been the chef of the night in the deluxe cabin they’d rented. And Aaron, the resident gay, had gone into town earlier and come back with a bunch of holiday trimmings, from lights and garland to a three-foot miniature pre-lit Christmas tree that was brightly glowing beside the big stone fireplace in the living room. His straight buddies had totally busted on him for being the happy homemaker when he’d decorated the place, but during their meal in the dining area, what none of them admitted was how welcome the glittery lights and trimmings were. For all of them, this was their first Christmas away from their families.

  Now the fivesome was soaking in the hot and steamy whirlpool on the porch right outside the living area of the cabin, immune from the mounds of contradictorily icy snow surrounding it. They were nicely buzzed from the sweet concoction made by Justin, who’d taken on the role as resident bartender. He hadn’t told them what was in it, but when they’d tasted how candy-like it was, they had griped. Because of his deadbeat look—fisherman’s cap, tall thin body covered in tattoos, and a narrow face covered in a scruffy brownish-red beard—they joked that he should have been able to score them something much “stronger.” But the truth was, they were all too serious about their sports careers to dabble in drugs.

  They had soon found out that whatever they were pounding by the pitcher was deceivingly potent. Now they were moving and talking in slow motion in the tub.

  “Man. That skiing kicked my ass,” Rocky said, the creases in his bulldog face smoothed by the steam rising from the tub. “My muscles are aching.”

  “Muscles?” Lonny, his bald black head and contradictory thick furry goatee both glistening with moisture, shot Rocky a skeptical look, and said, “Big boy, you got tits.”

  Rocky tried to give Lonny a punch in his muscular arm but missed, his big bear paw crashing into the water. He reached up and cupped the dense hairy pecs on his chest. “These are moobs. And they been good to me. I got the horniest nipples.”

  As he pinched the thick areolas between thumbs and index fingers, the others groaned.

  “Dude, you’re gayer than Aaron,” Lonny said, which made Aaron, who was sitting quietly on the other side of the tub, his sculpted model-like features looking tight even when he was relaxed, giggle in response.

  “I ain’t the one who fucked Pervy’s hairy ass last night,” Rocky said.

  “No, you’re just the one who jammed your fingers up both his and Down-Low’s asses,” Lonny refreshed his memory further.

  “Tiiiiiiiiight!” Rocky giggled, sucking liquid from the cocktail glass he’d had perched on the deck outside the tub. “We’re never gonna feel anything that tight. Pussies ain’t that tight.”

  “Chicks got assholes,” Justin said.

  “Any you ever fucked one up the ass?” Rocky asked. “And if you say yes, you lie.”

  “This is some pretty gay stuff you’re talking about,” Aaron said.

  Chul laughed, a glint in his beautiful dark Asian eyes. “We’re all sitting naked in a hot tub together. With a gay guy. Don’t get much gayer than that.”

  “It ain’t gay,” Rocky said. “This is our man retreat! Just a bunch of guys getting back to nature!”

  He stood up, his hairy, rotund body taking center stage, which made all the other guys cry out and shield their eyes (except Aaron). He pounded on his moobs like King Kong and shot mist from his mouth as he roared into the frigid night air.

  “Yo! Abercrombie!” Justin averted his gaze toward Aaron. “Tame your beast of a roommate.”

  “He might be the one taking care of me tonight,” Aaron said, holding up his own cocktail unsteadily, causing some of it to spill into the water.

  “You know it. I’m there for you. My man takes care of me every time I get shitfaced,” Rocky said, leaning over and catching the lip of the tub next to Aaron just in time.

  Behind him, Lonny’s macho bass morphed into a girlish squeal of horror as a big fat ass parted almost in his face.

  “I love you, man. You’re my roommate.” Rocky ruffled Aaron’s soaking-wet blond shag cut—and almost fell on top of him in the process. But he managed to catch himself, right before letting out a yelp as Chul slapped his ass cheek hard.

  “Come on, Rockster,” Chul said. “You’re blocking my view of the moon.”

  “I got your moon right here.” Rocky pointed his big butt in Chul’s direction.

  “I can’t even see that moon through all the fucking hair,” Chul said.

  “Fuck you all,” Rocky slurred. In standing up straight, he gave Aaron a very close-up examination of his short pudgy cock and big, low-hanging balls, which were coated in kinks of soggy fur. “I’m hittin’ the sweat room.”

  He climbed with a huff out of the tub, water showering from his body with a splash. As he grabbed a towel off a nearby chair, he turned to the others. “Who’s comin’?”

  Five minutes later, four of them were sitting naked on their towels, which were working as a barrier between their butts and the hot wood bench that ran along the wall of the sauna. Chul, at the end of the bench, was in charge of drizzling occasional ladles of water over the sauna rocks.

  “This should work wonders on your…muscles,” Lonny said, his dark brown skin glistening with a layer of moisture.

  “Yeah, but now I gotta worry about my lungs,” Rocky said, not noticing the satirical pause in Lonny’s choice of words. “I feel like they’re being lit on fire.”

  “Just sit back and relax and let the heat penetrate those pores,” Aaron said, truly astonished at the Christmas he was having. First his straight friends had watched while he fucked a man for the first t
ime, and now they were casually letting it all hang out in hot tubs and saunas with him. Sure, they’d all been in the school shower room together every day, but in that situation, there was a task at hand. This situation was much more intimate. He just hoped that it wasn’t because they were as wicked drunk as he was tonight and would wake up tomorrow feeling all weirded out.

  Justin opened the door and stepped in with a tray of cocktails.

  “Close the door! It’s freezing out there!” Lonny barked.

  “Okay, okay. Jeez!” Justin closed the door and offered them each a drink before sitting on the towel he’d left on the bench beside Aaron. His body was so covered in skin art that it was hard to tell he was naked. The real giveaway was the patch of pubes and the dick that was stemming from it, which matched his thin and lengthy basketball player body.

  “Geez. You ever take that off?” Rocky referenced the fisherman’s cap on Justin’s head. It was wet from their time in the hot tub.

  “I’m having a bad hair life,” Justin shot back, removing the cap just long enough to brush back his long, sopping-wet waves of thick reddish-brown hair. “Now just suck on your cock—tail and shut up.”

  “Should we be drinking while we’re sweating so much?” Aaron asked. “We might get dehydrated or alcohol poisoning or something.”

  “Nah. We’ll just get drunk faster,” Rocky said. He had his head back and his eyes closed as he brought a hand down on Aaron’s knee reassuringly.

  Aaron’s dick twitched slightly. It was really weird having that big paw in such close proximity. He gently shook his thigh and the paw slipped off lazily, thudding onto the hard bench. Rocky was feeling too good and relaxed to care.

  “We got a whole week ahead of us,” Chul said, breaking the silence that had descended for a few minutes as they closed their eyes and simmered.

  “Yeah, a week of getting all hot and sweaty with a bunch of guys every night,” Lonny complained. “It’s Christmas. I should be getting my big black cock sucked and ridden every night.”

  Justin paused while taking a sip of his cocktail. “Hey, Aaron. We got you a BBC for Christmas.”

  Everyone laughed except Lonny, who flipped them all the bird. “Don’t be putting thoughts in Down-Low’s head about sucking my BBC or looking at it, for that matter.”

  “Believe me. I’d rather be choking on Professor Turvy’s dick anyway,” Aaron shot back.

  “Yeah, right. Down-Low, ain’t no one, woman or man, can resist this dark meat,” Lonny said, grabbing his whole package in one hand and shaking it.

  “Yet you don’t want me to think about blowing it or looking at it,” Aaron said, making the others laugh.

  Lonny quickly moved his hand out of the cupping position and tried to cover his genitals. “That’s why I was covering it up!”

  The others mocked him, shaking their crotches as he had.

  “You can ALL suck my cock,” Lonny finally grumbled.

  “Can we all stop talking about getting our dicks sucked?” Chul said. “I’m getting horny. It’s been a while.”

  “Why don’t you let Down-Low suck your dick?” Lonny sought revenge.

  Chul shrugged. “Whatever. It’s just a mouth.”

  “Man, you be nasty and shit,” Lonny said. “I wonder about you sometimes. Come on. You ever been with a guy? You and Justin?”

  “Why you gotta bring me into this?” Justin said defensively.

  “Hey. You’re both basketball players. And you’re all artsy and shit. And you’re roommates,” Lonny rationalized.

  “And we’re your roommate, too, asswipe. Do you fuck around with all the other rugby players?” Justin asked.

  “Fuck no!” Lonny said. Then he added, “But they all want me.”

  Everyone laughed.

  Lonny got back to the discussion. “So come on, Chul. You’re way too cool with the gay stuff. You done guys?”

  Chul shook his head. “Not yet.”

  “OOOOOHHHH!” the gang chorused loudly, and Lonny made the obvious observation, “He said not yet!”

  Rocky sobered slightly at the intriguing turn of the conversation. “So, you would let a guy suck your dick?”

  Chul shrugged. “Outta curiosity. To see if it’s different. Some guys are kinda sexy.”

  Justin was nodding his head with an expression of admiration for his friend being so honest.

  “Aaron. Suck his cock so he can tell us if it’s different,” Rocky said, nudging his roommate.

  Aaron rolled his eyes. “What the hell? Am I like the official gay mascot or something?”

  “Well, damn. You gotta learn how to do it sometime,” Lonny said. “And for sure you’re the token gay guy. Take it from the token black guy. You got obligations to fulfill that role.”

  “Suck his cock!” Rocky began an all-too-common practice with them.

  Moments later, Justin and Lonny joined the chant, while Chul just smirked with no signs of an opinion on the matter one way or the other as the words repeated and fell on heavy hot air. His pretty eyes said he was ready to go with the flow.

  “Don’t I get a say in the matter?” Aaron asked, and then reached for his cocktail for courage, having this funny feeling he was about to be indoctrinated into another sex act.

  “It’s going to be hard to say anything with a dick stuffed down your throat,” Justin joked.

  Aaron looked to Rocky, whose boyish and charming soft side weakened his defenses as thick eyebrows raised quickly as if to say, “Go for it.”

  “You know, this is the way those video clips on sites like fuckedfratboys dot com get started,” Aaron pointed out.

  “It’s not like there’s anywhere we could be hiding a camera,” Lonny said.

  “Suck his cock!” Suck his cock! Suck his cock!” the gang started again. This time, Chul smiled and spread his legs, showing off his half-hard cock invitingly, but not joining in the chant.

  Aaron looked at Chul’s drunken face carefully and saw no signs of refusal. He stood up, and before he could even cross the room, the chant got louder. As he arrived at his destination, a moist towel landed on the floor near his feet. He wasn’t sure who’d thrown it, but he could guess it was Rocky, who was always thinking ahead. He crouched down and placed his knees on it.

  The chants bombarded his eardrums. Now he was directly between Chul’s long, hairless basketball player legs, staring at a ripped torso and the neat mat of black pubes surrounding the nicely curved cock that had now fully awoken. Using recall from all his porn watching, he placed his hands on Chul’s knees and moved his head in, opening his mouth into an O. He opted not to hesitate for fear of chickening out. He slid his mouth right over the rigid curved shaft.

  And the crowd went wild.

  Aaron savored the hardness against his gums, tongue, and the back of his throat. He could taste sweet, tangy sweat that quickly dissolved as he polished it off. Eyes closed, he lost all sense of the other guys in the room as he proudly realized that his actions felt so right. This was exactly how you were supposed to give a blowjob.

  Right then, he gagged and felt his cheeks puff out. The crowd howled. But he swiftly regained control of his reflex and fell back into a rhythm.

  When Aaron began to pick up speed, gliding up and down swiftly, Chul placed his hands on Aaron’s forehead and pushed him gently away.

  Aaron looked up at him. “I’m sorry. That doesn’t feel right?”

  Chul shook his head. “Too good.”

  “YEAH!” Rocky cheered. “That’s my roommate. Cocksucker extraordinaire.”

  “What? It’s better than your ex-girlfriend?” Lonny asked skeptically.

  “Dudes. It’s the best blowjob I ever had,” Chul said. “Like, a firmer suction or something. Stronger lips.”

  “Dude. You’re gay,” Lonny said.

  “Nah. Just gay for blowjobs from guys,” Chul said casually, showing no embarrassment or shame. “And Justin might be, too.”

  Chul pointed to his basketball playing partner in crim
e, who hadn’t even realized his long dick had grown strong and straight.

  “Yo, dudes!” Justin took off his fisherman’s cap and hung it unintentionally off his dick when what he really meant to do was cover it up completely. “It wasn’t from watching that gay shit. I’m just relaxed and feeling good.”

  “Yeah, well my roomie can make you feel even better.” Rocky nudged Justin in Aaron’s direction. “You’d suck his cock, right, baby boy?”

  Aaron, still on his knees, nodded his head vigorously while smiling drunkenly.

  “Cock whore!” Lonny boomed.

  “Come on, Jus,” Chul said. “He’s good to go. Let him suck you off.”

  Justin’s eyes said no but the jumping fisherman’s cap at his crotch said yes. “Fine. But we’re all going to forget this happened tomorrow.”

  “Nah. My baby boy will rock your world and you’ll never forget,” Rocky said, rubbing Aaron’s slick blond head of hair.

  Justin removed the fisherman’s cap from the head of his dick and put it on the head of his head. He pulled the brim way down low and slouched on the bench, spreading his legs while crossing his tattooed arms and closing his eyes so he wouldn’t have to watch and could just experience.

  With his first time out of the way, Aaron’s confidence was soaring. He actually wrapped one hand around the low-hanging, sweaty balls underneath Justin’s cock and tickled them lightly as he gulped down the full length until his nose was breathing in pube fumes. He fully had the hang of this, feeling his throat muscles completely relax. His mouth was wet with moisture as he rode the length of the spear-like cock voraciously.

  “Oh fuck!” Justin uncrossed his arms to clutch the edge of the wood bench on which he was sitting. “Holy fuck! Good Christmas!”

  Justin’s tiny nipples had turned to rocks and his lean ass had lifted off the bench. His taut body was shivering despite the sweltering temperature.

  “Oh…damn…you gotta…stop!” Justin finally pushed Aaron’s head off his cock. Panting heavily, he simply pointed at Lonny and then down at Aaron’s head.

  Aaron, tears in the corners of his eyes from his lengthy throat visitor, turned to Lonny with an expression that said, “I’ll do it if you want.”