Funny Bone

by Daniel W. Kelly

  “Nah.” Lonny shook his head and waved his hands. “I’m good. Thanks.”

  The others actually booed him, but before he could defend his decision, Rocky stood clumsily.

  “Come on, my man.” Rocky pointed to his flaccid, pudgy cock, virtually lost in a forest of soaking pubes. “You want more practice, I’ll take a feel of your mouth.”

  Aaron’s heart raced faster now. This was a major line-crosser for him and his roommate, who had become one of the most important people in his life in such a short time. Still on his knees, he actually hesitated, remaining bowed at Justin’s feet.

  It was Rocky who pushed the issue. He moved closer to Aaron and wiggled his cock, which began to fill out slowly. “Come on. I’m cool with it. Sit up against the seat.”

  Rocky gestured for Aaron to turn and put his back against the wood bench. He dropped a towel on the floor for Aaron’s ass. Aaron got in position and Rocky steered his semi-erect penis toward the waiting mouth.

  Aaron was extremely self-conscious as he felt the semi-hardness land on his tongue. He was concerned that Rocky wasn’t as into it as his drunken state might believe. He was on the verge of pushing Rocky out of him, but then Rocky grabbed the back of his head and began to gyrate, his big groin smashing into Aaron’s face repeatedly. Aaron refocused on creating the suction he had on his other friends, and then he finally felt the cock in his mouth expanding.

  “That’s right,” Rocky sighed, his hip thrusts incredibly graceful despite his large size. “Make me feel real good.”

  “It’s like watching an elephant face-fuck a mouse.” Lonny attempted to shatter the sexual tension with a joke, but everyone was completely quiet.

  “Oh…yeah.” Rocky threw his head back, which caused thick sprays of sweat to drip off the tail of his relaxed Mohawk and splash onto his swollen hairy ass. “Damn…that feels gooooood…”

  Rocky’s arms tightened, allowing the muscle definition beneath the flab to really protrude as he held tight to the back of Aaron’s head and thrust more savagely, forcing Aaron to just keep his mouth in an O so it could be used as a fuck hole.

  “Damn, bitch!” Rocky growled. “You’re making me fucking horny!”

  Aaron closed his eyes, praying in his mind that Rocky would explode in his mouth, allowing him to swallow the thick emission that was sure to come. But his prayers went unanswered as he suddenly felt the short pudgy dick pull out. He opened his eyes. Rocky’s hands were still on the back of his head, and he was staring down very intently, his soft green eyes penetrating Aaron.

  “Hey, baby boy,” Rocky virtually whispered. “You want me to take that ass cherry?”

  Aaron swallowed hard and nodded his head.

  “Wait!” Lonny broke the intimate atmosphere. “What’s going on? What he say?”

  “He’s going to fuck him,” Justin said doubtfully. That didn’t stop him from rising off the bench and moving aside to make room for whatever was about to happen.

  Chul stood as well and poured another shot of water on the simmering rock pile, then moved up alongside Justin.

  Rocky was already stroking his cock as he directed Aaron to turn around and bend over the bench. Once again, he showed consideration and haphazardly spread a towel over the surface of the bench for Aaron to lean on.

  Lonny sat frozen on his corner of the bench and stared in awe, his dark complexion glistening with shiny perspiration.

  When Aaron was in position, Rocky gave his pale white butt a love tap and said, “Come on. Get down and arch the back so I can see what I’m aiming for.”

  Aaron dropped his spine, which caused his compact and muscular butt to form a bubble, his tight, hairless butt hole moving to center stage.

  “Damn, that’s gonna be tight,” Rocky said mostly to himself. He spat in his hand and polished his pole. “You tell me to stop if it hurts.”

  The back of Aaron’s nodding head was the only response he got. He moved forward and pressed the thick head of his cock against the hole. He grabbed one of Aaron’s lean hips and tried to push forward, but the cock was rejected and his dick tip slid down the perspiration pit of Aaron’s perineum. He tried again, this time holding his cock harder and virtually stuffing the head in with his thumb.

  “Uh—” Aaron let out a small response.

  “I think it’s going in,” Rocky said, grabbing both of Aaron’s hips and pulling back while pushing his groin forward.

  “AAAAHH!” Aaron cried in response to the harsh friction against his inner walls.

  “Damn, he got it in,” Lonny whispered.

  Rocky had frozen in position. “Damn, you’re tight. You okay, my man?”

  “Uh…yeah. Hold on,” Aaron nearly begged, feeling even more sweat break out on his forehead as he tried to relax. “Just give me a second. It’s big.”

  “Nah. It ain’t,” Rocky said.

  “It is from where I stand,” Aaron grumbled, then chuckled despite the predicament he was in.

  The others laughed as well, and it was like the spell breaker that was creating all the mental and physical anal retention in the confined space. Aaron’s ass seemed to loosen and the last bit of Rocky’s cock got sucked in until his pubes were up against the slick, smooth surface of Aaron’s ass cheeks.

  “Wow!” Rocky and Aaron both chorused, and then everyone laughed again.

  “How’s it feel, Rockster?” Chul asked, his own cock fully erect.

  Rocky smiled boyishly. “Like Santa’s gonna come early this year.”

  “Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!” the guys started to chant, and Rocky didn’t hesitate on taking the suggestion.

  “Oh damn,” Aaron said. His eyes bulged open as he pressed his hands against the hot wood walls to prevent his face from smashing into it as result of the Mack truck that began slamming into his ass. “Oh…damn…that’s…”

  “Good?” Rocky asked, not easing up on the incessant pounding as he dug his paws deeper into Aaron’s waist, sweat spewing from every inch of his body.

  “Yeah…it’s…good,” Aaron croaked, looking over his shoulder into Rocky’s eyes and nodding.

  The wet slaps of Rocky’s thighs meeting Aaron’s ass permeated the space.

  “Damn. I’m jealous,” Chul said as he stroked his cock. Then he noticed Aaron looking right at him. It was like they spoke the same visual language. He was sure Aaron was telling him he could go next. He smiled, and got a huge grin from Aaron in return.

  “Oh fuck!” Rocky bellowed. “I’m gonna blow my load!”

  He pulled out and yanked furiously on his meat, his moobs jiggling spastically. Thick white goo dripped onto Aaron’s firm buttocks.

  Everyone was silent for a moment as Rocky huffed and puffed and tried to catch his breath in the stifling air that was now tainted by the odor of man juice. Finally, he dropped back against the wall behind him and simply muttered, “Nice ass.”

  Chul didn’t hesitate in stepping forward, still stroking his cock.

  Rocky looked at him with surprise. “You want in?”

  Chul nodded.

  Rocky smacked Aaron’s ass. “You mind?”

  Aaron smiled, pretty sure Rocky knew he was all for it.

  “Go for it,” Rocky gave his approval, moving aside so Chul could get behind Aaron. “Just slap some spit on first.”

  “He’s getting fucking gangbanged,” Lonny muttered, wiping sweat off his thick goatee.

  “Damn right he is,” Justin said, already stroking his own hard cock and getting a look of shock from Lonny. “Dude, how many chances we going to get? We’ve corrupted our baby brother anyway. There’s no going back.”

  Lonny still refused, shaking his head in the negative. Justin shrugged as if to say, “Your loss.”

  Meanwhile, Chul had already slipped in and begun fucking Aaron smoothly, scooping his hips up and down to give that ass a ride on his curved cock.

  “You clearly know how to work the boomerang,” Justin said, and Chul simply gave a thumbs-up.

  Aa
ron was sweating buckets into the towel under his head and he was grunting and groaning as his ass became more accommodating to the bigger intruder. The tingling in his relaxing anal muscles was beyond anything he could have imagined.

  “You’re doing him good,” Rocky said, now sitting on the bench right beside Aaron, looking down at his comatose expression of pleasure. “He’s liking it big time.”

  “It’s so tight I can’t hold it.” Chul spoke with an incredible level of Zen control considering he whipped his cock out a second later and sprayed everywhere.

  “Geez!” Lonny jumped back as cum went wild, spraying the wall behind Aaron’s head. Rocky was forced to jump out of the line of fire as well.

  “Damn! You see the magic you can work with that ass?” Rocky asked Aaron, who was too busy panting from the stimulation to pay much attention.

  “Let me get some.” Bodychecking Chul lightly, Justin spat on his long, rigid cock and swiftly guided himself into Aaron’s now pulsing hole.

  “Ooooooh,” Aaron sighed as Justin made it in the deepest.

  “Are you kidding me with this?” Justin asked, eyes wide in response to the walls strangling his cock as he stared wide-eyed at the other guys. “DAMN, Abercrombie!” That was his final word before he pulled out and then pushed all the way back in again, causing Aaron to bark. He did it again. And again. Aaron’s vocal response was an aphrodisiac. Sweat drizzled from Justin’s bushy beard and onto Aaron’s ass. He pulled out only moments later, beating himself to empty in the small of Aaron’s back while shouting, “Fuck!”

  “Move outta my way,” Lonny suddenly ordered, standing, now fully, frighteningly erect. “Down-Low, you gonna get it like you never gonna get it again.”

  “AAAAAAHHHHH!” Aaron howled as the longest, thickest cock of the bunch penetrated him fully. “Easy! Please.”

  “Get that ass down on that bench so I can ride it.” Lonny physically pushed Aaron into a lying position.

  “Oh, man. Aaron, your ass is never going to be the same,” Chul chimed in. “We room with this guy. We’ve seen the damage he can do.”

  “Hold that ass apart,” Lonny ordered Justin and Chul.

  They each pulled one of Aaron’s cheeks aside to reveal the tiny hole that was now packed full of dark meat.

  “What a way to pop the cherry,” Rocky said from behind them as he got a glimpse. “Don’t hate me in the morning, my man.”

  Aaron was too busy seeing stars to respond as Lonny went all porn king on his ass, pressing firmly on his back for support as he drilled and jackhammered, his ripped physique gleaming with a slick layer of sweat.

  “Tight bitch ass!” Lonny just kept repeating as he dug deeper and deeper.

  The air in the room was dense and wet, and the guys were now breathing heavily. Aaron was paralyzed, gasping for air and whimpering like a wounded puppy.

  “You all right?” Rocky leaned down and checked, and Aaron, eyes closed, just nodded. “You gotta cum?”

  Aaron nodded again.

  Lonny pushed off and out of the ass and spewed from his dick and his mouth as he recited what sounded to the others like the lyrics to some rap song. It sure contained enough uses of the “n” word for them to assume as much.

  It was also Aaron’s chance to push off the bench with his arms just enough to yank his cock to orgasm. Sweat dripped off his face and torso like rain as he tensed with the release.

  Lonny, meanwhile, had dropped back down onto the bench, his muscular chest heaving.

  “Dude, you need a bath. You’re covered in cum,” Chul noted as he took in the mess all over Aaron’s ass and back.

  “Open the damn door,” Rocky said. “I think I’m going to pass out.”

  Justin did so, allowing cool air in.

  “Hey.” Lonny slapped Aaron’s ass. “You know. We’re still straight and all. But we may have to ride that ass every once in a while.”

  Aaron’s face finally smoothed out as he turned over and dropped into a sitting position on the bench. He was literally glowing as he looked at the naked group of straight men in front of him. “Yeah. Of course. It’s college. Everyone experiments. Which means you got two and a half years more to fuck my token gay ass.”

  The Doctor Is In

  My specialty of medical practice isn’t the most glamorous, and usually the butt of jokes. Like that one, for example. But my personal favorite is, “What’s it like working with a bunch of assholes every day?”

  The thing is, once in a while, an asshole really stands out in a crowd—or should I say, a crack. This particular time, the asshole belonged to a patient named Ron. First time Ron came in, his primary care physician had suggested he start going yearly for a thorough rectal exam and all that en-“tails” since he was reaching the ripe young age of thirty-five.

  The instant I saw Ron, I had one of those fleeting moments where I felt like my profession was well worth all its downsides—or backsides, in this case.

  Sorry. Those bad puns start to rub off on me, so I try to beat others to the punch.

  Anyway, before I’d even stepped into the examination room, my assistant, Steve, a young, hunky nurse whom I’d hired for his résumé and appearance, handed me the paperwork on a clipboard and whispered, “Something scrumptious waiting in room three for you.”

  Steve really knows how to call them. He’d had my patient strip down to his underwear and socks—that’s procedure, honest. I was presented with a stocky, hairy man, sitting on the examination table with legs apart, and doing a hell of a job of filling the crotch of his gray boxer briefs. Occasionally, a guy really packs a bulge, with what are obviously larger than average testicles and penis. Ron was one of those guys. He had muscular, hairy thighs and calves, a pretty flat stomach, and full chest. His arms were pushing down on each side of the examination table, revealing well-defined triceps.

  When he looked up at me, I could have melted. His head was shaven and showing a thin layer of stubble—his brazen way to combat a receding hairline. His chiseled features were sculpted by a few days’ worth of whiskers. He had a really sexy, slightly crooked and swollen boxer’s nose and gorgeous sky blue eyes. His only flaw was the wedding ring on his finger.

  I had him describe his overall health in his strong but subdued baritone voice. I asked how his digestive system was doing as a whole and he said it was good, that he made sure to eat fiber and followed a very nutritious diet and exercise regime. I told him in a very professional, doctor-to-patient tone that I could see that he stayed fit.

  Then it was time for the general exam. I plugged my stethoscope into my ears and placed the other end on his swollen pec. His soft chest hair tickled my hand as I listened to his heart. I also watched one of his ample nipples turn hard as a reaction to the cold metal instrument. I moved near the other nipple to even things out, and unable to control myself, allowed the tips of my fingers to accidentally brush over the nipple. It, too, turned hard.

  My heart was beating double the time of Ron’s, and I reminded myself that this was a patient. I finished the general exam, then explained how exactly the exam was given. While turning to the supply cabinet, I asked him to drop his underwear and bend over on the top of the exam table.

  I slipped on a white rubber glove (resisting the urge to give the wristband an ominous sounding snap), grabbed a tube of lubricant, and turned to Ron.

  I nearly popped out of my professionally pressed pants. Instead of just bending over the top of the table, Ron had climbed on to it and was now on all fours, his boxer briefs down to his knees and all his family jewels just swaying in the breeze between his legs, under a muscular, hair-coated ass. It was one of those visions that looked more like something out of a Titan porn than the sterile beginnings of a medical exam. I couldn’t bring myself to clarify how I’d actually meant for him to position himself, for several reasons. First, I didn’t want to embarrass him. Second, as a gay man, I knew that, realistically, the position he was in was a lot more accommodating for what I was about to do than t
he standard “over the table” or “on the table on the side” positions usually used to protect a patient’s modesty. And three, it just looked so damn good and I felt I deserved a little bonus for all my dirty work—that would be the past three over-sixty wrinkly-assed patients, one of whom had been a woman.

  I had to draw my eyes away from the large-as-promised, incredibly hairy package dangling between those thunder thighs, and focus on the equally bushy butt above. I explained to Ron that he would feel coldness and then something that might be a bit uncomfortable. I squirted a glob of lube on my index finger and had to use the index finger and thumb on my other hand to separate the forest between his ass cheeks to find his anus.

  That was one healthy anus. Gorgeous. Breathtaking. A work of art. The surrounding skin was a deep pink-purple, and his anus was definitely not that of a gay man. It was like a nearly invisible hairline crack. It was only when I painted it with a finger of lube that it sank inward from the chill and showed what it might be capable of swallowing. I even heard a hushed intake of air from Ron at the touch of the lube, and noticed his testicles—which were nearly as big as tennis balls and ten times as fuzzy—tighten up below my hand.

  I slid my index finger gently but steadily into his grip. When it popped through the initial tight ring of his bunghole, I felt around his quite healthy rectum and checked out his prostate. And once again, I could hear Ron in what was a low, “I’m taking it like a man” grunt more often heard in some teeth-gritting frat initiation. It so fucking turned me on I felt like probing him a bit longer than the usual patient. But I didn’t. I had ethics. And my professional touch felt no real reason to be in there any longer.

  As I rolled off the glove and tossed it in the trash, I told him he could pull his underwear back up. Anxious inside at the thought of missing my one opportunity, I turned to casually look at him as he did so. He was sort of simultaneously pulling up his boxer briefs while getting off the table, and I caught a quick glimpse of his ridiculously large cock, which was at a partially erect stage. It’s not unusual for some men to become aroused from this examination, but most often, it’s my gay patients. I just looked quickly away so he wouldn’t feel embarrassed. He didn’t seem all that self-conscious about it. If I was that well-hung, not much would embarrass me either.