All of Me

by Vi Carter

  “Talk to me.”

  I chewed my lip, trying to think of the best way to phrase this.

  “Don’t think. You always overthink everything. Just talk.” The command from Jared startled me, and I looked up at him. His brows were furrowed.

  “You weren’t at the courthouse?” It was my turn to be startled. I wasn’t exactly sure where that came from, but that’s what popped out of my mouth.

  Jared glanced away, his hand going to his phone. He picked it up and tapped it on his knee as he spoke. “What’s the point?”

  My shoulders tensed. This wasn’t the Jared I remembered. Jared, who stood up to the bullies and the monster. Jared, who took on the world with his ten-year-old hands.

  “The point… to see Bert behind bars.” I swallowed the emotion that swelled inside me. Jared worked his jaw, his focus out the window.

  “Did you go?” he asked while glancing at me.

  “Yes. Carl and Evelyn took me.” Jared’s eyes were hooded now, and I wasn’t sure what he was thinking. A knocking on the window elected a startled cry from me.

  Jared rolled down the window to Chester.

  “Didn’t mean to frighten you,” Chester said, his words heavy with so much more. Jared continued to tap his phone on his knee.

  “That’s okay,” I managed to get out from between dry lips.

  “Just give me a minute,” Jared spoke, and Chester nodded at him before standing up and out of my view.

  “No bother, bro,” he said, as Jared put up the window.

  My brows rose as Jared turned to me. I had so many questions to ask him, especially about Chester. But right now wasn’t the time. Rubbing his hands on his jeans before scratching his jaw he faced me once again.

  “When can I meet Evelyn and Carl?” Coldness seeped into my skin before a blast of heat had my cheeks heating up. I looked away this time, my hands going to the steering wheel.

  “Yeah, soon.” I glanced at him. He sat stiffly. Could he hear the rest of that statement? The part where I never told them about him.

  He scratched his jaw again, where a shadow of new growth was forming. I hadn’t noticed it before. “I’ve got to go. But I’ll text later.”

  I was nodding when the smell of his cologne intensified as he leaned in and kissed me softly on the cheek. Our eyes collided when he leaned away, but neither of us said nothing.

  “I’ve got to go.” He repeated.

  “Yeah,” I said as he climbed out of my car. Once the door closed, my whole body sagged.

  ***

  Pulling into the drive, I sat in my car for a few moments. I wasn’t sure what was eating at me more. The fact that I had lied to Evelyn and Carl about Jared or the fact that I hadn’t told Jared the truth about not telling Evelyn and Carl about him?

  Carl came out of the house as I closed the car door. I clutched my bag tightly.

  “Is everything okay?” I asked as Carl neared.

  He smiled faintly. “Yeah, just have to go to work. Are you okay?”

  My pulse picked up. “Yeah, just tired.” Carl didn’t say anything, but his eyes narrowed slightly.

  “Evelyn is inside if you need to talk.” He squeezed my shoulder while his thick brows rose up. “But work can wait if you need me?” His words caused a heaviness in my chest. Lying to them was wrong. They had taken me into their home and always maintained an open relationship with me. I had never been dishonest with them before.

  “No. Thanks, Carl. Honestly, nothing’s wrong, I’m just tired.” After another squeeze of my shoulder and a promise that I could call him if I changed my mind had me going inside with my head hanging. I felt like such a terrible person. Dumping my bag in the hall, I entered the kitchen, having decided to tell Evelyn the truth. She had her back to me as she shuffled potatoes on the baking tray. The smell would typically cause my mouth to water, but not now. The warmth of the kitchen had me stripping off my jacket and cardigan. Evelyn glanced over at me quickly, while pushing the tray back into the oven.

  “Oh, you're just in time, it’s nearly ready,” Evelyn said while closing the door. Her long silver sweater and tan leggings fit her perfectly. She really was a beautiful looking woman. Pushing her glasses up into her hair she fully faced me. Her brows pulled down, and she gave me nearly the identical look that Carl had given me.

  “Is there something bothering you?” She picked up a cloth while moving around the island to sit beside me. I joined my hands together and rested them on the table, to stop myself from fidgeting. The need to touch my face or neck had me considering sitting on my hands. The heat coming from the oven was starting to make the room uncomfortable. Evelyn glanced at my hands. Immediately I loosened my grip.

  “I found Jared.” It came out in one rushed breath. Evelyn sat back slightly in her chair. Others might not have noticed it, it was that slight. But I had spent a lot of time being counseled by Evelyn, and this told me she was shocked but was processing it. When I had spoken about Bert and all he made me suffer, she would listen and talk me through my feelings. Most of the time, it frustrated the crap out of me. I just wanted to tell my story, not zone in on feelings. In my head, I thought Evelyn was stupid. How could she not know I was angry or hurt at the time? But as I put my emotions under the microscope, I began to see something different. My feelings of anger were directed at myself, for allowing Bert to catch me off guard. Or for not speaking up when he had asked a question. That’s when I had started paying closer attention to my emotions. When I could tell Evelyn what I was feeling, she would always tap her notepad or folder with two fingers. I didn’t think she knew she was doing at the time, but she was. It was her ‘tell’ that let me know she was proud. At times when I spoke of Ronnie, Evelyn would sit back ever so slightly. She would listen, and it would take her a few moments to respond. She was gathering her thoughts, just like she was now.

  “You must have been relieved?”

  That wasn’t the question I was expecting. I nodded. “I was shocked.” I let out a small breath along with a shaky smile.

  Evelyn smiled faintly. “I can only imagine. You must have been overwhelmed.”

  “I’m still processing it,” I told Evelyn.

  Tipping the table with two fingers briefly, she smiled. “I’m happy for you, Layla.”

  I loosened the grip on my hands, a smile taking over my face. “Thanks, Evelyn. I… He’s… different now. But still the same. You know…” I chewed my lip, hoping what I said made sense.

  “It’s been five years. That’s a long time. I’m sure he was feeling the same about you as you were him.”

  I could feel my cheeks heat up. I didn’t think that would be the case. I honestly wasn’t sure what Jared felt when he saw me. Something he had to protect. A reminder of a past he’d rather forget?

  Evelyn wiped the table with the cloth; I could tell that she was choosing her next words carefully.

  “I’m happy you found him, but Jared is from your past. One that gave you a lot of heartache. I just worry that him reappearing will bring your past back up. You’ve come such a long way, Layla... I would hate to think anything would set you back.”

  I was kind of like a goldfish, I had so much I wanted to say to that. Evelyn’s hands covered mine now.

  “I’m underestimating you. I know what he meant to you. How he basically kept you alive. I’m not going to lie. I’m going to worry about you.” Evelyn brushed my hair back from my forehead; a motherly gesture that always caused a pang in my chest. One I never told her about. She paused now, looking me in the eyes, a smile on her face. “I will always worry about you.”

  “Thank you,” I said, feeling lighter, but so tired. A final pat to my hand and Evelyn got up.

  “I better take out the potatoes and chicken, or we won’t have anything to eat.” I finally let my whole body sag and just watched Evelyn move around the kitchen. She wasn’t moving as freely as she usually did. But I didn’t expect her to take this news with smiles and hugs. I knew it would be a struggle for al
l of us. My phone dinged, and I slipped it out of my bag.

  Sorry for leaving so quickly. Hope you’re okay. X

  My pulse started to pick up as I stared at the message.

  I hadn’t noticed the piping hot plate of food in front of me or been aware that Evelyn sat across from me now.

  “Is it Kieran?” the hope in her voice shattered my guilt-free ride. I had lied about Kieran too. Something said don’t tell her yet. Telling her about Jared was enough. I would tell her about Kieran another time.

  “It’s Jared.” It felt so nice, to be honest again. Lying was way too much work.

  Evelyn leaned back in her chair slightly. I didn’t rush her but let her fight whatever internal debate she was clearly having. The pause felt like it went on forever.

  “You never told me how you met him?” If my guilt-free ride had shattered earlier, it was squashed to oblivion now.

  Don’t lie Layla. Just tell the truth and face the consequences.

  “The shop I’m working in. His dad owns it.” I chewed my lip.

  Please don’t ask for a timeline.

  I didn’t want to let Evelyn down. She was so good to me, I prayed for this one small detail to be overlooked and guess what?

  It was.

  CHAPTER TEN

  I lay in bed that night staring at the ceiling. Carl came home from work, and my stomach tightened as I listened to his and Evelyn’s hushed voices. Carl’s was raised slightly, but I still couldn’t understand what he was saying. A part of me wanted, to leave my cozy double bed and try to listen in, but the sensible and tired part of me kept me in the bed. Their conversation lulled for a while, and I started to drift off. The ping of my phone had me pushing the lavender-colored duvet off me as I reached for it on the side table.

  Don’t make me come looking for you.

  That one sentence from Jared played havoc with my emotions. I wanted to pause them and place them under the microscope like Evelyn had taught me, but I was drained. Instead, I texted back quickly.

  I’m fine. In bed. Chat tom

  I hit send before I could think any more about it. I didn't even get the phone put back down when it pinged again.

  Who’s Tom? Joking. Night, Layla. X

  I stared at his message. Footsteps on the stairs had me putting the phone down and pulling the duvet up to my neck. I didn’t want to have a conversation with Carl about Jared. My door opened slightly, and my heart picked up. I could picture Carl raised up on his toes, trying to see me under the mountains of blankets. My breathing sounded so heavy and fast, and I tried to even it out.

  “Night, Layla.” Carl’s words had me crashing and burning.

  “Night, Carl,” I whispered back, unable to keep up the pretense. The light burned my eyes, and I closed them tightly.

  “I thought you were asleep?”

  Okay, so we were doing this now. “Not yet.” I sat up and rubbed my eyes.

  The heaviness of his eyes and the dark circles indicated just how tired Carl was. “So, you found Jared?”

  I nodded while clutching the blanket.

  “When can we meet him?”

  That I didn’t expect. “Meet him?” I said back, not sure how I felt about this.

  “Yes. As in, he comes over for dinner, and we all chat.” Carl smiled now while squeezing my knee through the quilt. I smiled back at him.

  “Yeah, we can do that. I’ll ask him.”

  Carl nodded while standing. “Great.” He seemed really happy. When he knocked off my light, I flopped back down into my pillows.

  “Goodnight, Layla,” Carl said before closing the door.

  “Night, Carl,” I responded, even as my mind reeled. They wanted to meet Jared.

  The grass grew up to my shoulders. The daisies gave life to the greenery, springing up and overtaking an area. Walking with my arms stretched out, I let my fingers thread through the grass. The earth dipped beneath me when we were close.

  “Why did she have to come? She always slows us down.” I rolled my eyes at Ray’s stupid words. Jared always took me with him, even though the boys complained. He was bigger and stronger than them, so I was allowed to come.

  “Shut it unless you want me to knock out your teeth.” Nelson and Rocky sniggered. The grass fell away, and a barbed wire fence with a forest beyond it came into view. The forest was our destination. It’s where we spent most of our days playing warfare. I didn’t do much; I stayed by the tree and attended to any wounds that the boys got.

  “You could make him hold the wire for ten seconds,” Nelson said, his grin huge across his face. He was originally from Kenya. His dark skin was something I hadn’t seen much of, so he always fascinated me. With big brown eyes, and sticky out ears he always reminded me of Dumbo. I would never tell him that, of course.

  “Twenty seconds,” Rocky said, and Ray held his hands up, taking a step away from the boys.

  “I said I was sorry.” I usually didn’t feel sorry for Ray, he was always moaning about me coming along, but the boys’ teasing wasn’t nice. And we all knew the fence was electrified to keep the cattle in the field that we stood in now.

  “You sound like a bunch of girls.” I stepped out of the grass, and all heads turned my way. Jared stood holding a stick as tall as himself. A grin spread across his face at my words.

  “Layla’s right. You do sound like a bunch of girls,” Jared declared.

  Nelson tutted while he moved closer to the fence that was now within reaching distance. “I’ll touch the fence.”

  “No, you won’t,” Ray smirked now, the brazenness returning to his stance. His short beige cut-offs showcased his stick-thin legs that were coated in bruises. I had heard that Mrs. April was mean with her wooden spoon.

  “Yes, I will.” Nelson didn’t sound so sure anymore. I could see sweat starting to appear on his forehead.

  “Oh, for Pete sakes. Jared, tell them to stop.” Someone was going to get hurt. Everyone listened to Jared, so he should stop this. His grin grew as he leaned with both hands on his stick.

  “I’m not their daddy, and if they want to touch the fence, I can’t stop them.” I narrowed my eyes at Jared, and he laughed, the sound echoing across the fence and into the forest.

  Now all I wanted was for someone to touch the fence so we could stop standing around like a bunch of ninnies.

  “I knew you didn’t have the stomach,” Ray said, as he started to walk away from us and I was glad to follow. I hadn’t taken a step when Nelson grabbed the fence. I screamed as his body shook violently. Ray and Rocky raced to him, but no one touched him as he continued to be electrified. Jared dropped to the ground as we all stood stunned, watching Nelson.

  Would he die?

  One thing I had learned was not to touch someone, because the electricity would pass into your own body and the pain was worse. Jared unlaced his shoes and stood with them on his hands. He was reaching out towards Nelson when Nelson stopped shaking, and an odd sound came from him. I was ready to puke.

  Laughter? Nelson was laughing wildly as he turned to us. “I got you all.” I slowly sank into the grass. He was only pretending.

  “I knew that,” Ray said, but everyone looked a little pale. Jared dropped his shoes and punched Nelson into the arm cutting off his laughter.

  “That wasn’t funny.” Now he pointed at me. “You scared Layla half to death.” I wanted to protest and state that everyone was pretty scared, but I knew it was pointless. They would all deny it. I stayed seated as everyone looked around pretending to scout for… what? Cows? Jared laced up his battered shoes close to me. The strain on his laces made me believe they would snap at any moment. But they didn’t. Jared glanced at me through his long, thick hair.

  “You okay?” He re-tied his hair while waiting for me to answer.

  I nodded and stood up, pulling down my yellow butterfly dress. It was my favorite. Jared said it was the same color as my hair. The dress was bright yellow, nothing close to my hair, but I had thanked him and agreed.

>   “We’re moving out.” Jared’s command had us all falling in line behind him. I was directly behind him; he wouldn’t have it any other way. No matter where we were, he was always protecting me.

  Behind me, Nelson still mocked Ray and Rocky on believing his little trick. “Even Jared knew it was a joke.” I rolled my eyes at Jared’s back. Jared was their leader, so obviously he knew when they were joking.

  The bleeping had me glancing down at my cracked watch that never worked. I stopped walking, bringing the watch closer to my ear. The beeping grew louder. Looking up, Jared was still walking.

  “Layla.” I squinted and saw brown eyes, caramel skin, and a recognizable female voice.

  “Layla,” Evelyn spoke louder while turning off my alarm.

  “I’m up,” I said groggily, pushing the blankets back and letting my feet touch the wooden floor. The smell of the forest still lingered in the air. That had felt so real. I hadn’t thought about that in such a long time. I didn’t have to ask why now, I knew why. Between the court case and Jared’s reappearance, old memories were bound to resurface. Even the good ones. That had been a good day, even if I didn’t know it at the time.

  Light streamed in as Evelyn pulled back the curtains. “Carl told me he spoke to you last night.” I didn’t have to see Evelyn to know she was smiling, her voice carried the happiness.

  “Yeah, he wants to meet Jared,” I said, still shaking off the memory. Evelyn appeared in front of me, holding my washing to her chest. “Are you okay, sweetheart?” Her brows pulled down with concern.

  My toes wiggled against the wooden floor as I shook off the final threads of the memory.

  “Yeah, just weird dreams. I’m excited and nervous for you guys to meet him.” Evelyn smiled now, the crinkles growing around her dark eyes.

  “Don’t be nervous. We promise not to embarrass you.”

  “I’m not worried about you, Evelyn,” I said smiling.

  A small laugh erupted from Evelyn’s mouth. “I’ll keep Carl in order. Don’t worry. Now come eat breakfast, so you’re not late for work.”

  Work. I had all most forgotten. Evelyn left, and I dressed in my red shirt and black trousers. Plaiting my blond hair over one shoulder, I washed and made my way downstairs. Evelyn had my breakfast ready. I grabbed a slice of toast off the table while picking up my bag and keys.