All of Me

by Vi Carter

  “Too much?” Jared asked, while his eyes darted to the bin, eyebrows drawn down.

  “Yeah. My eyes were bigger than my belly,” I told him.

  His mouth curved into a smile. “In your case, it is true. You have big eyes.” It was often said when people meet me for the first time. Either how white blond my hair was, or how big my eyes were. When Bert or his friends mentioned my eyes or hair, it was said with malice like I was a freak, so I was still struggling with the idea that people were complimenting me. It was too engraved in me from my childhood.

  “Well… you have dimples,” I shot back to Jared to take my mind off things that terrified me. Like Bert or wearing a bikini.

  His dimples were standing proud now as he laughed gently. “I’m complimenting you, Layla, on your eyes.”

  “And I’m complimenting you on your dimples,” I said, feeling confused.

  CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

  His hand found mine as we walked, and he twined our fingers together. My heart leaped, and my breathing quickened.

  “You look defensive,” Jared said, bringing my attention back to his face.

  “Sorry, I’m bad at taking compliments,” I admitted. We had reached the back wall of the garden display and started to make our way back. Jared didn’t release my hand.

  “Well, we have to fix that,” he replied. I rolled my eyes playfully at Jared.

  “Every day I’m going to send you a compliment, and soon you’ll accept them.”

  I swatted at his arm, and his eyes flashed with amusement. “Don’t start texting me stuff,” I said, shaking my head, but deep down excitement bubbled inside me.

  The crowded area we had first walked into appeared quicker than I expected. Knowing that the day was almost over had me feeling disappointed. I really was enjoying myself. We checked out some plants that were two years old; their colors were refreshing. I lost Jared at one stage, spending too long looking at a row of pink Clematis vines that had been hung from a massive wall. The display was magical. Other plants sat on the base of the stands. The smell of lavender and cape jasmine filled the air. After I had walked through it and out into the ornamental section, I could still smell the lavender and Jasmine. It was there that I found Jared sitting on a bench and I stole the moment to study him. His long legs stretched out in front of him and crossed at the ankles. He was watching a stream of people move past him. His large tanned arms were folded, showing off his muscular biceps. I bit my lip as I allowed myself to take in his strong jawline, perfect lips and straight nose. His hand tightened around a bag that was tucked under his arm, almost hidden.

  “Excuse me,” a woman spoke, as she slipped by me. Now I wondered how many people saw me blatantly staring at Jared. I was nearly beside him when his gazed traveled across me, leaving a path of heat.

  “I’m not sure where I lost you,” I said, just trying to keep the heat at bay. Jared was observing me now, his eyes darker. I sat down beside him; it was easier than facing him right now. My emotions were running high today and now sitting down, I felt tired.

  “Thanks for today.” I glanced at Jared as I spoke, his arms were still folded.

  “It’s not over yet,” Jared smirked at me now.

  He was so nice bringing me here, but after hanging out last night, he must want to go and be with his friends. I had noticed several times his phone had bleeped throughout the day. He checked each bleep quickly and slid the phone back into his front pocket. I didn’t want him to feel obliged.

  “Seriously thank you, but you don’t have to. I’d say your friends are wondering where you are.”

  “You’re my friend, too. So we can hang out.” He stood now, his hand stretched out before me. That sentence now played around in my mind even as I took his hand. Jared once again entwined our fingers as we walked. I didn’t stop him, but now it felt different. Is this what he did with all his friends?

  “I’d say Chester would love that.” It was a slip of the tongue, which caused Jared to stop walking, the skin around his mouth tightening. He faced me now and my stomach twisted, and my mouth went dry. His eyes flashed with anger and my faced burned.

  “I’m sorry, it was a joke.” I quickly tried to retract my sarcastic statement, but as Jared shook his head, I knew it was too late. I grew concerned, I could feel my palms start to sweat and tried to pull my hand out of Jared’s, but he wouldn’t let mine go. My eyes flickered from his tight grip to his fiery eyes. The world shrank to just him, everything around us disappearing, even the noise. A tremble entered my lip, and I bit down to stop it. I wanted to plead with him to allow me to take it back.

  Rocks filled my stomach, and a haze started to close in around me.

  “Jared.” One word and it sounded breathless, terrified. It was mine, and I looked away from him, waiting for everything to crash down around him. How many times had I been there at the end of someone’s wrath?

  Countless.

  But never Jared’s. Never.

  I couldn’t bear the silence. Why wasn’t he saying anything? This was torture!

  “Jared,” I said again, my chin trembling now along with my lip, as I forced the tears back.

  “I’ll kill him.” Jared’s eyes flickered around the crowd that snapped back into focus. His flaring nostrils and sweating palm told me he was mad. I felt a moment of happiness that it wasn’t at me. But it was short lived.

  “No. No, he was just rude.” When I spoke, Jared’s eyes snapped to me, and the anger made me flinch.

  “Don’t lie to me. What happened?” The tightness around his eyes and jaw had me considering precisely what to say.

  “He doesn’t like the idea of us being friends.”

  Jared’s face reddened. “He said that?” He spoke now through clenched teeth. I didn’t get to answer as Jared started walking quickly with his long legs, dragging me along with him. I was half jogging. I should have kept my mouth closed.

  We reached Jared’s jeep, and he let go of me. Even though he was angry, he was still acting like a gentleman by opening my door. I climbed in when he slammed my door. The whole jeep shook, and I squealed. Jared wasn’t violent, so this behavior was scaring me.

  He stood at my window, but I couldn’t see him as he leaned against my side. I didn’t have a clue what to do. It was weird, to sit here and do nothing when all I wanted to do was hug him. I would have embraced the old Jared but so much had changed between us. Five years for one. We weren’t kids anymore. And my feelings for him were making me question everything I was doing around him. My stomach flipped as he moved away from my door and walked around the back of the Jeep. Once he climbed in, he gripped the steering wheel, staring forward with a clenched jaw.

  “You should have told me.” The disappointment in Jared’s voice twisted my stomach. That’s all he said before starting up the jeep. I put on my seatbelt and stared out the window. My eyes burned. We drove in silence for what felt like forever.

  “What are you going to do?” I finally looked at Jared; he was more relaxed looking now. His knuckles weren’t white anymore, so that was something.

  “Have a word,” he said without looking at me. There was no point in arguing about it, I sank down in my chair.

  “Just don’t fall out over it. He’s your best friend.” I felt like I was talking to the window; I couldn’t bear to look at Jared at that moment. A muscle worked in his jaw.

  “Promise me, Jared, that you won’t fall out with him.” This time Jared glanced at me, but it was brief.

  “Yeah.” It wasn’t the most convincing promise, but I would take it. I didn’t want him to lose Chester over me. Alex was already gone, and I was starting to feel like a bad smell that chased away all the people he loved.

  When Jared pulled up to my house, I didn’t want to get out. I wanted to resolve this problem. Jared was the same. We always sorted our differences out before going to bed. No matter how bad things got between him and me, and we had fought like regular kids. We never let it carry into the next day. I suppos
e, in that way, we weren’t like regular kids.

  “Are we okay?” I asked while taking off my seatbelt.

  “Yeah.”

  Great one-word answers. I scratched my head, feeling irritated. He wouldn’t look at me.

  “Jared, please.” He released the steering wheel and sat back into the seat before tilting his head towards me.

  “We’re good, Layla. I promise.”

  “You promise me that you’ll remain friends with Chester,” I said, and he looked away from me.

  “Oh my god, Jared. It’s not a big deal.” I didn’t want this to happen.

  I didn’t want him to lose a life he had spent five years building over me.

  “Why are you so hell bent on me being friends with him?” His words were laced with anger, and he looked at me with suspicion.

  “Because he’s your friend, and I don’t want to be the cause of you falling out. So just promise me.”

  “I promise.” Relief immediately flooded me. That was one thing with Jared— he would never break a promise.

  “Thank you.” I leaned in and kissed him softly on the cheek. Jared froze under my lips, and I quickly pulled away. I shouldn’t have done that. Was he repulsed by me? Oh god, my face blazed, and I got my bag.

  “Thanks again for today,” I said, not looking at him. I got out and closed my door, making my way to the house, with burning eyes. I hadn’t even got the door closed good when he drove off.

  CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

  I took the stairs two at a time, not being able to reach my room quick enough.

  “What happened?” Evelyn stood on the landing with a pile of clean clothes in her arms. Her brows knitted together as she moved towards me. I tried to focus on the swish of her full length tanned skirt.

  “Layla?” She questioned, drawing me to her worried looking eyes, ones that should have been a warning to me to put her mind at rest. But I didn’t. Instead, I let the whole day’s emotions pour from me. My tears had Evelyn dropping the clothes and embracing me, which made me cry harder.

  “Shh. It’s okay, sweetheart.” Evelyn’s hand ran up and down my back in a soothing rhythm, but it didn’t stop the onslaught of emotions that poured from me. Today had been the most perfect day but also been the most emotional.

  “What happened?” The strength in Evelyn’s voice wasn't the therapist I was used to, it was more of what I imagined a fierce mother would sound like.

  “He hates me, and I don’t blame him,” I sniffled.

  “What happened?” I stiffened but didn’t turn at Carl’s voice. Instead, I pleaded with Evelyn with my eyes.

  “Just girl talk. It’s fine.” Evelyn gave a smile to Carl over my head. I didn’t want her to lie to him, but I appreciated it more than she could ever know. Carl would only get mad at Jared, and that’s the last thing I wanted.

  “I’ll be downstairs.” I could hear the reluctance in Carl’s voice, but the stairs creaked under his weight as he descended. Now I was alone with Evelyn, who wanted an explanation. Evelyn released me, and we walked to the room that we had set up for meditation and where I did most of my therapy with Evelyn. It was a room I didn’t associate with pain and hurt even though I had poured my heart and soul out in this room. No. It was a room of healing and love for me.

  The room was scarcely furnished. But that was the point. It wasn't a big room, but it always felt spacious. The clever arrangement of the furniture and the use of the light colors made it see large. The walls had magnolias painted on them, while the wooden floor was glossed over in white paint. I sat down in my hanging chair that Carl had hung from the ceiling. The large circle felt like a safe space to me, a warm cocoon where Bert or Ronnie couldn’t get me. Evelyn sat across from me on a large Wicker chair that had several flowered throws across it.

  Slipping off my shoes, I let them fall on the shaggy cream rug that covered most of the wooden floor and tucked my bare feet under me. Evelyn lit her incense that sat on a wicker style table. I always loved the smell and found it relaxed me.

  “I have a confession,” Evelyn said this as she put the lighter down and got comfortable by kicking off her shoes. She smiled at me gently as I waited for her confession.

  “I didn’t like Jared. I never wanted you to find him.” Her words hurt me, and I found myself pulling my floral cushion that matched one of Evelyn’s throws to my chest. I blinked several times. I had kind of known this, but her saying it really brought it home. “But,” She continued, “since you found him, I have never seen you so alive. I think a part of me was so afraid of that happening.” Evelyn’s eyes glazed with unshed tears. It was so unlike her, but she didn’t shed any. She was a warrior like that. “I see how you look at each other, so I know with all my heart Jared doesn’t hate you, no matter what you tell me.”

  Her words caused tears to fall soundlessly. She was telling me what I wanted to hear. I swiped the tears away.

  “Since I walked into his life, he has lost his girlfriend and now he might lose his best friend because of me.” The confession made my heart squeeze.

  “Okay, let’s start with the girlfriend, tell me what happened.” Evelyn was very much now in her therapist mode, and I shifted slightly, wondering if I really want to go down the Jared road with her. But I needed to. I couldn’t let it keep spinning around in my mind. And frankly, I had no one else to talk to.

  “Last night at the party, they broke up. She hates me.” I chewed my lip now.

  “Did you talk to Jared about it?” Evelyn tilted her head, and I suppressed a smile. It was obvious she was uncomfortable but was trying hard to stay in the moment.

  “Yes, and he said they hadn’t been getting along for a while.” I let my legs hang out of the chair now. Evelyn smiled.

  “There’s your answer. The break-up wasn’t your fault.” She was right, but I couldn’t help feeling deep down I was at least somewhat responsible.

  “Now about his friend.”

  The thought of Chester had me stiffening, and at my change in posture, Evelyn sat forward.

  “Layla. I have raised you for the last five years of your life. You are my daughter, and I can see it in your eyes that something has happened. So you are going to tell me the truth.” Evelyn’s tone was fierce, and so much of that sentence had my head spinning.

  She just called me her daughter.

  I started to cry again, and this time it had nothing to do with Chester. I cried into my hands and Evelyn was there.

  “Sweetheart. Please, you’re scaring me.”

  Her words pulled me out of my emotional mess. So, I quickly told her everything, every moment that happened with Chester. She was pretty angry at the end of my story. She had gotten up and gone to sit back down in her own chair.

  “Jared isn’t mad at you, Layla. He’s angry at Chester.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Evelyn you weren’t there, you didn’t see him,” I answered.

  “No, but what I did see only this morning was a boy looking at a girl with a heart full of love.” I swallowed at Evelyn’s words. She thought that Jared loved me. Just allowing that thought to take root for one second was dangerous.

  Yeah, he loved me as a sister. After all, we had suffered together as kids. Of course, we would be close.

  “But that doesn’t excuse the fact that you went to that party with Morgan and lied to me. Or that you drank too much at the beach. Or that you lied about where Ashley lived.” I should have kept some detail to myself. I had divulged every interaction with Chester honestly to Evelyn. “So, you are grounded.”

  This was new. I had never been grounded by Evelyn or Carl. But I nodded my head in quick agreement.

  “Straight to work and home for a week.” That didn’t seem so bad. It wasn’t like I had much of a social life.

  “Okay,” I said, and Evelyn nodded several times.

  “Good.” I felt tired now after confessing so much and crying so much. I hopped off the swinging seat, my feet sinking into the rug. I needed a shower to wash away tod
ay's mess. I picked up my shoes and made my way out of the room.

  “Layla.” Evelyn stood with me, and as I turned to her, she stretched out her arms to me, and I walked into them. “Carl and I love you very much, and we will always be here for you.” She kissed my head before leaning away and taking my face in her hands. She kissed my forehead. “You and Jared will be okay. I don’t think anything could keep you two apart.” Evelyn sounded so sure. She didn’t say it like she was happy about it, but just as if it was a fact of life. I kissed her cheek.

  “Thank you for today,” I said and meant it. She patted me gently.

  “Go get showered and changed and come down for pasta.” I didn’t want to eat, but I nodded and went to take a shower.

  I got into my three-quarter length, gray pajama bottoms and one of my favorite t-shirts that was also gray. It was one of those rare pieces of clothes that no matter how much you washed it, it still felt soft. I had no idea how tonight was going to go with Carl.

  But as I walked into the kitchen, it smelled wonderful. Evelyn was moving around the kitchen like she usually did, and Carl sat at the table. I was so nervous. Carl looked almost uncomfortable, and that told me that Evelyn had told him everything.

  “I’m sorry I lied to both of you about the party with Morgan. Also, I shouldn’t have drunk so much at the beach. It won’t happen again.” They looked at each other, but I kept my focus on Carl. I really didn’t want him to be disappointed in me.

  “You’re a good kid. Just don’t let it happen again. But you’re still grounded.” I would have started to protest and tell him that I was already grounded, but the smile I caught in Evelyn’s eyes kept me quiet.

  “Every day after work, we will work on the garden.”

  And there it was. My punishment was something I adored. Only Carl would come up with this. My eyes burned when I looked at him. I didn’t want to start crying again. But I wondered for the thousandth time what I did in life to deserve such a fantastic man like Carl in my life.