“I do. All the time I spend with her, all the times I’ve kissed her, it felt like nothing I’ve ever experienced, even with Natalie,” my voice is raspy with emotion. Thick with guilt and anger. I don’t want to feel anything for her, but I can’t stop my heart from racing when she steps into the room. And I can’t stop my body from responding to her smile, her touch, and her lips.
“That was hard on you, I know. Although, what Natalie did isn’t something you can blame yourself for, Clayton. Perhaps as you say it was a lot of things she was going through and it spiraled out of control, but that also doesn’t mean you can push Essie away for what happened with Nat. Sometimes the heart and mind can be at war with each other,” my mother smiles, nodding as if she understands exactly what I’m going through.
Tipping my head to the side, I wait for her to continue, but when she doesn’t I ask, “Did you and Dad go through something like this? Where you’re fighting, but you don’t want to? Where all you can think about is the other person and your head’s a mess because of their voice, smile, everything about them?” I know they were so much in love, I couldn’t picture Mom and Dad ever fighting or arguing.
She laughs, her eyes crinkle at the sides with the action and her blue eyes sparkle with amusement. “Oh, Clay, your daddy and I were a miracle. I never liked him you know,” she confesses. “He was nothing short of a pain in my ass when we were growing up. He asked me out every day for a year.”
This is news to me. My dad never once mentioned it when I’d spoken to him about relationships. We’ve always been open with each other and I wonder why he didn’t tell me. “Daddy never said as much, he always told me you said yes the first time he asked.”
“Oh, I did say yes, but only when he realized that I was a strong, stubborn girl that was going to give him a run for his money. At seventeen, he was much like you were at that age. Always going out with his friends, not really bothering with girls. I’d known he liked me, but at the time, I focused on school.” Her blue gaze darts to me then. “I wanted my degree, and I worked hard for it.”
“And Dad?”
“He wanted me to run the ranch with him, it wasn’t my dream. When he finally saw how much I loved working with my hands and creating designs with materials he told me he’d support me no matter what. He waited for me. Gave me the space I needed and when I came home after finishing school, he told me he wanted me forever. Proposed right then and there.”
“Long distance relationship?”
“Yeah, he was here, I was there. I’d only seen him when I was home on our vacations. But we made it work. We were married a year later.”
I lift the bottle to my lips again and finish the dregs of my beer. Thinking once again of Natalie and me, and the choice I made. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over the guilt of walking away from her when she needed me most.
“What I’m trying to say, Clay, is that life only affords you so many chances. I know you’ve never spoken about any girls when you were at school, but I can tell that Essie seems to have a little hold on you. I like her. Don’t push someone away for what is out of their control in life.”
“I don’t want to, but—”
“Don’t answer me now. Learn about who she is, her dreams, her life. Something tells me there’s more to that little package than meets the eye.” I nod in agreement. I noticed it, and once again I’ve ignored it the same way I did with Natalie. I’m such an idiot. I’m repeating history when I’ve finally got my second chance. Essie’s got secrets in her pretty little head and I intend to find out what they are. This time, I’m going to do right by the girl I want. I can’t bring Nat back, but I can try to make it work with Essie. Perhaps she’ll allow me to move on from the past and looking forward to the future.
“You’re right, ma’am,” I tip my head in jest, earning me a playful swat from my mother.
“I’m heading inside. I’ll see you in the morning.” She reaches up, planting a kiss on my cheek and once again I’m alone with my thoughts. Maybe, just maybe, this can work.
“I can’t do this, it’s not working, Nat. There’s too much happening in my life and I need to figure shit out. I’m going home,” I tell her in a raspy tone. My chest aches, and her eyes glisten with unshed tears that seem to be pulling me into their depths.
“I thought you loved me? I mean, this has been a long time coming, Clay.” She’s right. We’ve been together for three years, engaged for one of those three. The next step was to plan the wedding, but I can’t bring myself to do it.
“I do love you. I just need time. My dad needs me now more than ever. Can’t you understand that?” My anger is taking over, the frustration at a situation I can’t fix. My father told me he’s dying. The man I’ve looked up to all my life is coming to the end of his and I have no way of stopping it. Of making it okay. For me, my mother, or my brother.
“Time? Why? I’m always here for you. I know your dad is ill, but I can be your support,” she implores me, but I don’t listen. I’ve always been stubborn. She blinks and the tears fall. They stream down her pretty face and as much as I want to be here for her, I can’t.
“My family needs me now more than ever. My dad’s just taken out a second mortgage on the ranch for the medical bills. I can’t be at school anymore.” It’s true. We’re going to end up broke with the bills that will be piling up soon. My family can’t afford for me to finish my Master’s degree, but I don’t care, I’ve got my Bachelor’s.
“So you’re just leaving me?”
“Jesus, Nat! I’m going to my family. How can you not understand that?” Without answering, I watch her storm out of my apartment. There’s nothing more to say. I continue packing, it’s a long journey back to Wyoming, and I need to get there as soon as humanly possible.
The sun filtering through the curtains wakes me from the dream. It was the day I said goodbye to the life I almost had, and walked back into the life where I’m the provider for the family.
Checking the time, I notice it’s just past eight. Since I have nothing urgent to do this morning, I didn’t set an alarm. It’s also the smell of bacon and eggs that wafts through the door that has my stomach rumbling.
I’m sure Essie is awake already, but after talking to Mom last night and her giving the advice I needed, I’ve been thinking it over and decided I want to take Essie somewhere today. Showing her the surrounding area might be good for us both, getting off the ranch and into nature.
Jackson Hole has some incredible hot springs, perhaps we can spend some time unwinding and I can get into that pretty little head of hers. My mom is right, I need to learn who the girl is, what her dreams and goals are, rather than judging her by what she does for a living.
Pushing off the sofa bed, I head into the bathroom and freshen up. Once I look half alive, I make my way into the kitchen to find the pretty little blonde swaying along to the song playing on the radio. Her hair is pinned messily atop her head. She’s dressed in a pair of Daisy Dukes which only serve to have me wanting to peel them off. Her gray top is loose-fitting and hangs off one shoulder, giving me a peek at her pink bra strap. Jesus, this girl is going to be my end. Her long legs are toned, tanned, and I’m dying to have them wrapped around my torso.
She sings along while whipping up something in a large bowl and I realize it must be pancake batter. Suddenly, she spins around meeting my gaze. “Oh!” Her soft voice is higher as she gasps in surprise. Plump lips rounded in an O and my dick responds with a jolt at the thoughts racing through my mind.
“Good mornin’ darlin.’” Offering her a smirk, I step in closer, dipping my finger in the bowl, I bring it to my mouth. Her eyes widen as I suck the sticky batter. “That tastes almost as good as your lips do,” I murmur. Turning, I ignore her soft whimper and pour myself a mug of coffee.
“Why are you being so nice to me after last night?”
Sighing, I regard her a long stare. “I wanted to apologize for that. There’s no doubt I was, possibly still am an asshole, but if
you let me make it up to you, I’d like to try.” Her big blue eyes peer at me for a long while and I think she’s about to tell me to fuck off when she smiles.
“I-I’m making pancakes, bacon, and eggs,” she announces in a husky tone. She’s affected by me, the same way I’m affected by her. This is going to be one interesting day.
“Clay! Can I take the horses out today with Jemma?” My little brother comes racing into the kitchen breaking the spell between Essie and me. His eyes are wide with excitement, and I can’t help chuckling. He’s growing up way too fast.
“Is this a date?” I question, sipping the hot liquid. He shrugs nonchalantly and I know he’s lying. I saw him interact with her the night of the dance, he likes her. Perhaps this will get him out of his shell and over the hurt that he’s kept after Daddy died.
“I just want to take her out riding today. I know how to handle the ponies, we can take Starling and Buttercup out.” He’s right. The two ponies are easier to handle than the stallions, so I nod.
“You can on one condition,” he stares at me then with a frown on his face. “Pack enough lunch for you both, and don’t go out too far. I’ll be out in Jackson Hole today, I’m taking Essie to the hot springs so I won’t be close by.”
“Yeah, I can do that.”
“What?”
Both my brother and the pretty pixie answer at the same time. I nod at my brother, “So it’s a yes.” He whoops excitedly and races back to his bedroom. When I meet Essie’s big blue eyes, I smile. “I wanted to take you out. Show you the sights around here and the hot springs are beautiful this time of the year. Do you have a swimsuit?”
“Yeah, wow. Uhm, thank you, I’d love to.”
“Good. It’s settled, we’ll head out after breakfast.” A soft rosy blush dots her cheeks as she starts pouring batter into the hot pan. Mom walks into the kitchen with a grin on her face.
“Did I hear right? You’re heading to the springs?”
“Yeah, I figured Essie needs to get out and enjoy the area.” I shrug, but mom’s face says it all. She’s happy for me and for the first time in a long while, I’m happy too.
Chapter Twelve
Essie
Breakfast was so good. Seeing Clayton devour the pancakes was satisfaction enough for me to want to cook all his meals. I’ve never really thought about a long-term relationship with anyone. Being independent has always been my life, I’ve focused on myself for so long, watching his smile, his happiness at a simple act like making breakfast was enough for me to want more of that.
The only problem remains is I don’t know how we’re going to work. I live three states away, and he’s got responsibilities I can’t see him ever wanting to leave. Not that I’d ask him to. Also, that’s if he’s forgiven me for having to possibly take his ranch away. If my idea works out he’ll be able to keep it, but I must wait for an answer before I can tell him about it.
Pulling on the bright pink bikini bottoms, I turn to the mirror to make sure it’s not too revealing. I’m not sure if this is a date, or if he’s just being hospitable because his mom asked him to be, but I’m going to make the most of the day. Enjoy it while it lasts and if we get back home this evening and he turns into the closed off Clayton I’ve come to know, then so be it.
I’ve decided to wear the cerise string bikini with small bows adorning my hips and the clasp between my breasts. Pulling on the pale blue sundress, I inspect my reflection once again, leaving my hair in the up style I had at breakfast.
“Are you ready, darlin?’” The deep baritone of Clayton Walker sends heated tingles through me. His country accent is one I could listen to all day, every day. Turning to find him in a pair of ripped blue jeans, a T-shirt, and cowboy hat makes me smile. He doesn’t go anywhere without that on his head.
“I am.” Smiling, I slip on my flip flops and make my way to the door when his cologne hits my senses. Spicy and masculine.
“You’re lookin’ gorgeous,” he murmurs when we’re both in the doorway. The space is small, making sure our bodies are inches apart. I want him to kiss me again, I need him to kiss me again. Those sky-blue eyes trail from my own in a slow descent to my mouth.
Instinctively, my tongue darts out to wet my lips, which has the blue in his gaze darkening, blazing with desire. He leans in, and my breathing hitches momentarily before he steals it. His lips crash on mine, mold to mine, robbing me of all brain capacity as his tongue dances with mine.
My hands twine around his neck, pulling him closer. Aching for him to take me, to give me what I need. Every time we touch there’s an electric current that shoots through me and this is no different. There’s heat in his kiss, need, aching, and I’m consumed by it. His hands grip my hips painfully, it’s a delicious feeling.
He tastes like coffee and pancakes—bitter and sweet mixed in an intoxicating flavor. It’s him, only him. It feels as if the kiss goes on for hours, but only minutes later he pulls away, leaving us both breathless from the passion that’s ignited a fire deep in my belly.
“We better go, or I’ll never let you leave my bedroom,” he rasps, and the words are enough to have me wondering if I ever want to leave his bedroom. When he steps away, I miss his warmth immediately.
“Okay,” is all I can muster after the soul searing kiss. As we head out the door, we find his mom sitting on the porch.
“You two have fun now,” she offers me a conspiratorial wink and I can’t help blushing.
“Thank you, Molly.”
Clayton opens the passenger door for me, helping me into his truck. Like Rhett’s, it’s one of those old Chevy trucks with a large bed at the back, and deep blue in color which reminds me of Clayton’s eyes when desire swirls in the depths.
“You ready, darlin?’” I nod, and he starts the engine with a loud roar. As we travel down the long dusty road, he turns on the radio which has Brantley Gilbert singing Bottom’s Up, in his husky country voice.
Silence settles around us comfortably as we head out onto the main road and toward the sign that tells me we’re headed straight for the hot springs. The scenery is like something from a postcard. The farms and ranches we pass by with a backdrop of mountains. Green fields with horses, sheep, and cows can be seen for miles.
Everything is serene. I can see how people can live here and never want to leave. My heart aches thinking of how often I’ve wanted to leave the city. As much as I love the bustle, I find it stifling at times where I just want quiet. The same quiet I find here.
A date. Something beautiful and foreign to me. I was so excited he’d finally given me something, an olive branch in the form of a day out at the springs. Even though I’m meant to be assessing the business potential of the ranch today, it’s the last thing I want to do.
The due date for my report is approaching and I need to do my assessment of the farm, but I have just under two weeks, that gives me more than enough time to write one up, but if I’m making it all up I know it will be too obvious. Maybe I can stall. I’ve sent an email last night that will hopefully get me the answers I need.
“So, tell me,” Clayton murmurs, distracting me from my warring thoughts. His voice rumbles above the music filtering around us. “Who is Essie? I want to know more about you.”
His words shouldn’t instill fear in me, but they do. I never liked talking about me. Or my life growing up, more so now than ever. “Well…” I allow the sentence to taper off because I don’t know where to start. Do I tell him about growing up? About how awful my life really is? Or do I give him the answer I’ve practiced so many times with strangers?
Dragging my gaze to his, I take in his profile. Hard edges, and smooth skin. A hint of stubble dots his jaw and those eyes. It’s those goddamn baby blues that get me every damn time I look at him.
“I grew up in the city. Sacramento has been my home ever since I can remember.” I start with the easy topics, then inhale a deep breath. I don’t want to lie to him, I can’t. “My parents are wealthy, but where they excel in having
money, they lack in showing me love and support.”
His gaze darts to mine immediately. “Essie—”
“I spent my life getting to know tutors and babysitters, but never my parents. I was the mistake that happened one drunken night and they never made me forget it. If I got to see them for two days it would be a lot. I never wanted for anything, money bought me all a girl could wish for, but it never bought me the love of a mother and father.”
“Jesus,” he curses then, his grip on the steering wheel turns his knuckles white. When I sneak a glance at him, I notice how his jaw ticks with anger. Tears burn my eyes, but I don’t let them fall. I’ve become used to steeling my features for everyone around me.
“When I turned seventeen, I rebelled. I-I went down a path of destruction, as they called it. I lost my passion for my dancing. At first, they didn’t notice since they were hardly home. It was when the maid they’d hired to come in twice a week to cook and clean for me, found me on the floor in my bedroom did they finally step up. Not to be parents, but to inform me that I’ve become an embarrassment to the family name.”
Swallowing the anger that swirls through me, I take a few deep breaths. It’s then that Clayton places a hand on my thigh, which only seems to make the anger turn to desire. “You don’t have to tell me anything more,” he murmurs.
“I want to.” And I do. For some reason, I find myself needing to expel all the horrible truths of my life to a man I’ve come to care for. Someone I know when he looks at me, won’t judge, or pity me. “I had overdosed on pills I bought from a guy at school. They rushed me to the hospital to have my stomach pumped.” As I confess the worst day of my life, I feel as if a weight is being lifted off my shoulders. “They put me in rehab immediately and that’s where I found a new lease on life as they call it. They left me there with nothing. When I finally got home three months later, I had a new focus. I wanted to prove to them I wasn’t a failure so I worked hard. I hit rock bottom, but I pushed my way back to the top.”
Dirt Road Promises Page 8
