The Heart of Winter

by Emma Hannigan

  ‘Deal,’ Missy said, looking thrilled about the non-existent wedding plan.

  The night was better than Pippa had ever imagined. They got so much attention from men it was a joke. At one point Pippa went to the bathroom to check her make-up. Staring at her reflection, she scrutinised her face. She wasn’t bad looking. Her hair was pretty fabulous at the moment. That mocha colour the hairdresser had suggested was actually gorgeous.

  Once she’d fixed her eye shadow and reapplied her lipstick, Pippa sauntered back to find Missy, feeling as if she could take on the world.

  ‘You’re looking hot,’ a voice said from behind her.

  Pippa spun around to face Danny.

  ‘Aren’t you busy dealing, Danny-boy?’ she asked, with a little more sneer in her voice than she’d intended.

  ‘Hey,’ he said as his smile faded. ‘I didn’t see you objecting to my extra-curricular activities as you downed the bubbly and filled your nostrils this weekend.’

  He looked her up and down angrily and walked off. Her heart was pounding in her chest as Pippa chased after him through the crowded nightclub. Grabbing the back of his shoulder she stopped him.

  ‘I’m sorry, Danny. Don’t go. I was just shocked earlier when Missy told me what you do. As you well know,’ she cupped her hands around his ear so nobody else would hear, ‘Friday night was the first time I’ve done any of this stuff . . . I’m not up on the scene. I didn’t think a guy like you would be doing . . . this,’ she finished sweeping her hand.

  He led her to the side of the club where there happened to be a couple of free tables. He motioned for her to sit.

  ‘I work in computers during the day as I told you,’ he said. ‘Up until recently I earned a pittance, even though I have a degree in computer science. I wanted more, Pippa. I’m like you. I’m hungry for success. This is merely a bit of weekend work. It’s fun, harmless and means I can have the lifestyle I deserve having graduated from college and played by the rules my entire life.’

  Pippa nodded. It made so much sense as she looked into Danny’s eyes. So why was that bloody niggling voice in the back of her mind whispering that it wasn’t really OK? As Danny cupped her face in his hands and kissed her, Pippa’s previous protests seemed petty.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said suddenly. He looked so desolate.

  ‘I really thought we connected,’ he said, raising his hand to stroke her hair. ‘Fine, what I do isn’t something I’m proud of. But it’s a stopgap. It won’t be forever.’ She nodded. ‘I really like you, Pippa.’

  She couldn’t help leaning in and kissing him again.

  ‘I really really like you too,’ she said. ‘But I . . .’

  ‘Shush,’ he said placing a finger on her lips. ‘We’ll work out the details another time.’ He took her into his arms and although the music was at a similar tempo to a jack-hammer, he swayed her gently from side to side.

  ‘You’re cool,’ he said.

  ‘You’re cute,’ she responded.

  ‘You’re amazing,’ he said.

  ‘You’re killing me!’ she laughed.

  ‘Pippa . . . will you go out with me?’ he asked looking suddenly shy.

  She actually thought she was going to collapse. ‘Yes,’ she whispered. ‘Are you my boyfriend now?’

  He nodded and grinned. They kissed and danced, in a world of their own until the main lights came on. He took off his jacket and draped it over her shoulders and pulled her over to where Missy was busy doing shots with a group.

  ‘We’re off, you coming?’ he asked.

  ‘Nah, we’re going to Jimmy’s. He’s got decks and we’re having a party,’ Missy said.

  ‘You OK if I split?’ Pippa asked.

  She couldn’t have been more delighted to be dumped by Missy. As she flagged a taxi and pulled Danny in with her, Pippa knew she was smitten.

  Holly

  THE FOLLOWING MORNING HOLLY AND PADDY were enjoying a light breakfast at the gate lodge, when the landline rang.

  Paddy scrambled to his feet. ‘Ah good morning, Sadie,’ he said cheerfully. ‘I might have guessed it was you. Hardly anyone has this number and the children never call it. It’s all texts with silly cartoon pictures of a yellow man with his tongue out or a glass of beer. Why don’t you come and have a cup of tea with us? It’s glorious here.’

  ‘Would that suit you, Paddy? I don’t want to intrude but I’m taking part in the final fete before the Christmas one at the village. I told do-gooder-Gloria I’d man the cake stall. Holly said she’d do a few buns for me.’

  ‘Right you are,’ Paddy said with a grin. ‘The buns are here cooling and I’ve been told I’m not allowed eat them before my breakfast. You’d think at my age I could have what I want! Still if they’re ear-marked for do-gooder-Gloria, I’d better not touch them.’

  They were all terribly fond of do-gooder-Gloria and she did marvellous work within the community, but the woman was a force to be reckoned with. Holly took the phone and chatted for a few minutes. ‘There’ll be plenty of buns,’ she assured Sadie. ‘Or cup cakes as I’m meant to call them now! I didn’t commit to a stall, but I did promise to come and lend a hand where ever I’m needed.’

  The two women chatted for a while longer before Holly put the phone down with a smile.

  ‘No doubt Gloria will be running the event like clockwork,’ Paddy said. ‘Crusader with a clip-board that woman.’

  ‘I worried about Sadie after Mummy died. She’s on her way over by the way,’ Holly said wistfully. ‘It must be scary as hell when all your contemporaries start dropping like flies.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Paddy. ‘And swiftly you and I are elevating toward “elderly” status. We’re almost at the top of the barrel you and I.’

  ‘Speak for yourself,’ Holly said. ‘I’m still a young slip of a thing in my own mind. I might even remove all the mirrors from the gate lodge so I can continue to fool myself.’

  ‘Ah that’d be a travesty,’ Paddy said. ‘Why wouldn’t you want to see your beautiful reflection?’

  Paddy filled their cups with fresh tea and Holly gazed at him. He’d always remained steady, her Paddy. Even when she’d suffered with postnatal depression and they’d gone through that annus horribilis with the house, Paddy hadn’t faltered. He’d accepted the idea of living at the lodge without so much as a blink of the eye. He’d told her relentlessly that she wasn’t to consider him in any of the decisions.

  ‘So long as you’re happy, I will be too. I’ll go with the flow, you know me.’

  It was still strange without Maggie. She’d been such a formidable presence, yet they’d all adored her.

  As she thought of Lainey, Holly smarted. Much as she tried, she couldn’t shake the feeling that she and her eldest child would never be anything other than civil to one another at best. She was still feeling unusually pensive when Sadie arrived moments later. Paddy had gone off with his pliers to fix a bit of fencing.

  ‘Hello, love,’ Sadie said kissing her and patting her back the way she’d always done. Holly placed a cup of tea in front of her and perched on a high stool.

  ‘Penny for your thoughts,’ Sadie said.

  ‘Well there’s a redundant phrase,’ Holly said with a tired smile.

  ‘Fine, cent for your thoughts,’ Sadie corrected. She smiled and reached over and stroked her hand.

  ‘I’m thinking about Lainey. She must miss Mummy even more than I do. They were more like mother and daughter than grandma and grandchild,’ she mused. ‘Mummy would’ve loved Ely . . .’

  ‘Indeed she would,’ Sadie said, clearly choosing to ignore the previous statement.

  ‘I was thinking we might offer Lainey and Matt a dinner out. They’ve done an astonishing amount of work on the business and I think it would be a welcome treat. We could offer to have Ely for the night.’

  ‘That’s a lovely idea,’ Sadie said.

  Holly was miles away. Biting her lip she looked up at Sadie with tears in her eyes. ‘Would you put it to her? She
might agree if it comes from you.’

  ‘Sure. But try not to look so down-trodden, love. I’m sure you and Lainey will find a common ground over time.’

  ‘You don’t mind if I don’t hold my breath, do you?’ She gave a shuddering sigh. ‘I’d love the opportunity to spend more time with Ely. He’s a little angel. But it’s so hard not to feel hurt by how little Lainey rates me.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Sadie, she barely allows me to hold him. I know I was a mess when she was a baby. But I was crippled by postnatal depression. I couldn’t help it.’

  ‘I know, love,’ she said patting her hand gently. ‘I remember. Sure wasn’t I there?’

  ‘I can’t help feeling that Lainey is punishing me now. It wasn’t as if I left her screaming in a cot. I knew Mummy was minding her. You were there too. I didn’t mean any harm, Sadie. I simply couldn’t cope.’

  ‘Of course you didn’t mean any harm, love. None of your children could ever say they weren’t loved. Between you, me, your mother and Paddy they were doted on. I suspect Lainey’s reluctance to let you mind Ely is more down to first-time mother’s overprotectiveness. That’s OK too. She needs to find her feet. Perhaps if she has another little one, she’ll have less time for fussing over Ely.’

  ‘I suppose you’re right,’ Holly said. ‘I can almost hear Mummy telling me to buck up and stop worrying unnecessarily,’ she said as she smiled bravely. ‘Let me rephrase that. You are right. Things will work out for the best.’

  All of a sudden it was as if a dam had burst in Holly’s heart. Big fat tears began to course down her cheeks and she became engulfed in sobs.

  ‘Hey,’ Sadie said getting to her feet. ‘Let it out, my girl . . .’ She rubbed her back and said nothing more.

  ‘Look at me! Crying like a school girl. I’m a grandma and I’m behaving ridiculously.’

  ‘You’re never too old to cry,’ Sadie said. ‘Besides, you were very ill all those years ago. Don’t underestimate the power of postnatal depression, Holly. You were like an empty shell. It was heartbreaking for Maggie and me to watch. You used to try so hard to hide it.’

  ‘I didn’t think I’d tried enough.’

  ‘Oh believe me you did. You used to go through the motions and force a smile on your face. But your mother and Paddy and I knew you were feeling dead inside. Lainey was a good baby, God bless her. But she was a baby none the less. Like any other she required undivided attention 24/7. You weren’t in a position to provide it. Simple as.’

  ‘You know, if I hadn’t had Joey and Pippa, I would’ve lived out my days convinced it was all my fault. That I’m simply a terrible mother with no maternal instincts and no ability to love my own offspring.’

  ‘Of course that’s not the case,’ Sadie said gently.

  ‘No. I realised that when Joey came along,’ she said staring off into the middle distance.

  ‘Well you got the help you needed at that point, thank God. The doctors were much more in tune with those things and they recognised postnatal depression as being an illness.’

  ‘For a long time I hated myself,’ Holly mused. ‘I couldn’t look in the mirror without seeing a total failure. I will never forget the pain and emptiness. It was pure torture, Sadie.’

  ‘I can only try to imagine. It wasn’t easy for those around you either. Paddy is a rock steady man. He never wavered once. He never gave out about you or grumbled that you were hard to reach. Because you were, love. You changed from a can-do kind of girl to a sullen and sad little creature.’

  ‘I wasn’t exactly little back then,’ Holly shot back. ‘I piled on the weight while I was pregnant with Lainey. Then all the sitting about feeling numb meant I was eating food as fuel and not burning it off.’ Shuddering she sighed deeply. ‘It was without a shadow of doubt the worst time of my life.’

  ‘I’m sure it was,’ Sadie said kindly. ‘But it’s fantastic that you were able to crawl back. You should be proud of yourself. It can’t have been easy to venture into another pregnancy. Now that we’re talking about it, you must’ve been terrified.’

  ‘Oddly enough, I found the time of Joey’s birth incredibly freeing. I had the medication I required straight after the birth so I was able to bond with him. God, I thought he was the most wonderful thing on earth. In a way I reckon he helped fix me.’

  ‘So you’ve forgiven yourself for your bout of depression then?’ Sadie asked.

  ‘Yes Sadie, I think I have. It took me a long time to do that though. If I’m honest, it only really happened when Pippa was born. I still remember that final push as she was delivered. I prayed she’d be another boy.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because I felt I wasn’t good at girls . . . I’d made such a botch of things when Lainey was a baby . . . And she was Mummy’s in many respects. Joey and I were close and I knew that no matter what, he’d always come running to me. I was his sun, moon and stars and that felt so good . . .’

  ‘So when you knew Pippa was a girl?’

  ‘Ugh, I used to physically shake if I was in the room on my own with her. For about the first two weeks I was terrified . . . But she was such a little angel. She fed when she was meant to, slept from six weeks of age and did all the doe-eyed gazing at me that Joey had done. So I knew I’d got it right with her too.’

  ‘I’m glad you felt able to put those demons to rest,’ Sadie said. There was silence for a few moments as both women were lost in their own thoughts.

  ‘Can I ask you something?’ Sadie said.

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘Have you forgiven Lainey?’

  ‘For what?’

  ‘For being the one who happened to be born first. Because clearly it wasn’t her fault that you ended up with postnatal depression. But that’s the way it happened, right? So do you forgive Lainey for being the unwitting catalyst in your depression?’

  Holly gasped. She’d never thought of it that profoundly. Her immediate instinct was to poo-poo Sadie and tell her she was being a fool. Of course she didn’t blame Lainey. Did she?

  Skye

  SKYE WAS SWEEPING THE DOORSTEP WHEN PADDY arrived. Autumn was well and truly in full swirl. The trees along the avenue had transformed from shades of sage to a symphony of burnt orange, fiery reds and murky browns. The last of the leaves were fluttering to earth, making rusty piles. The damp chill in the air had encouraged Skye to pull on her puffa coat over her pyjamas.

  ‘Hello, dear,’ Paddy said smiling. She hugged him.

  ‘Morning, Paddy. How are you today? Excuse my attire.’

  ‘I’ve seen worse,’ he chuckled. ‘I’m well, thanks,’ he said.

  ‘Will you come in and I’ll get you a mug of tea?’

  ‘Sure,’ he said. ‘I need to nip inside to Joey as well.’

  ‘Oh he’s not here,’ Skye said. She hadn’t meant to sound so sad.

  ‘Really?’ Paddy gazed at her. ‘I thought he had the week off?’

  ‘Um,’ she said. ‘So did I. But it seems Clive couldn’t do without him today. So he’s gone . . .’

  ‘Ah, he did mention it to me now that I think of it.’

  ‘He didn’t tell me until this morning,’ Skye said.

  ‘I’m always putting my foot in it,’ Paddy began. ‘Especially with you girls. I have a habit of saying things I shouldn’t. Holly gets terribly cross with me,’ he grinned. ‘But you seem very down, pet. Is everything alright?’

  Skye heard her own sobs before she even realised she was crying.

  ‘Oh dear, I’m sorry. I’m being such a nit-wit.’ She put the sweeping brush down and flapped her hands in front of her face. ‘My God, where did that come from?’ She forced a giggle through her tears. Using the cuff of her coat she wiped her eyes roughly, willing the tears to dry up.

  ‘There now,’ Paddy said pulling her into a bear hug. ‘Let’s get you inside and we’ll make some nice hot tea and see if we can get to the bottom of all this.’

  Skye nodded and followed him. Chewing the insid
e of her cheek, she tried to remain calm. But the damn tears kept coming. As they sat at the warm Aga in the kitchen, she watched as Paddy set about making tea and toast.

  ‘It’s so lovely to have a fatherly man in my life,’ she said sadly. ‘I get on better with you and Holly than I ever did with my own parents.’

  ‘I’m glad you feel comfortable with us,’ Paddy said. ‘We think of you as one of our own, too.’

  ‘I never knew what a proper family life was like until I came to Huntersbrook. I remember the first time I stepped into this very kitchen. It was a hub of activity with Holly and Sadie orchestrating a fantastic Sunday lunch.’

  ‘My favourite,’ Paddy said patting his round tummy.

  ‘I was instantly drawn into the sense of camaraderie. The fun and easy banter between you all was mesmerising. But what really struck me was how much you guys adore one another. You asked each other questions . . . You were interested in what had gone on that week. Who had met who and how work was going, what was planned for the week ahead. It was like being in a movie for me.’

  ‘It was? Why was that now?’ Paddy asked, taking care to keep his gaze fixed on the teapot and the buttering of the toast.

  Skye sighed. ‘My parents are free spirits. That sounds like it should be warm and tender, right? Well it roughly translates as a bunch of adults who behave like selfish teens without so much as an inkling of responsibility or regard for their kids.’

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that, love,’ Paddy said looking flummoxed.

  ‘Sorry, Paddy,’ she said smiling. ‘I don’t know what’s come over me today. I think I’m having some sort of a mental breakdown. I’ll be fine. I’ll stop acting like a lunatic now, promise.’

  They both sat down and he poured their tea and looked thoughtful for a while.

  ‘It never really strikes me that Holly and I have lived in a sort of cocoon here at Huntersbrook. But we have . . . In a way we could be accused of having our own little commune right here.’

  ‘No, Paddy,’ she shook her head. ‘It’s totally different. You’ve both been here for all your children’s lives, but you join in with community events. You host parties all the time. Your children bring friends in and out of here. You’re nothing like my parents. Besides, you know your children and want them around.’