The Heart of Winter

by Emma Hannigan

  Pippa would be here as soon as she could. Lainey knew she was under a lot of pressure at work and she’d just come home from Paris. But it was comforting to know she was on her way.

  Pippa would pull her out of this dark hole she felt she was slipping into. Nobody could nail things in a sentence like Pip. She’d have some sort of logic as to how all this awfulness would be fine in the end . . . She was probably gathering her bag and coat and clearing her sudden departure with her boss. Lainey closed her eyes and thought back to how different Pippa used to be. She was the typical youngest sibling really. She got away with murder at school growing up. Lainey wouldn’t have dared do half the things Pippa had gotten away with. But now that they were adults, their relationship had become one of acceptance and mutual admiration.

  Unlike Pippa, Lainey would never know the exact accessory to brighten up an otherwise dull outfit. In turn, Pippa would never see the fascination with researching twenty varieties of potatoes to ensure the right one was planted and made to thrive. But that was why Lainey loved her so much – Pippa was entirely, uniquely herself.

  The pain was definitely worse than it had been earlier. Lainey knew the nurses were rushed off their feet, but she couldn’t take it any longer. Pressing the call button she waited, almost holding her breath and afraid to move a muscle.

  ‘Hello dear, everything OK?’ the nurse asked as she breezed in.

  ‘I’m in a lot of pain. Could I have something to help?’

  ‘Yes, you’re due some medication as it happens, so you’re bang on,’ the nurse smiled. Lainey watched as she read her chart and made a little note.

  ‘I’ll be back in a jiffy.’

  The other three beds in the ward were empty, which was a relief for the moment. Lainey wasn’t sure she could conduct a normal conversation with a stranger. She wasn’t sure she could say out loud what had happened to her either. All her energy was being sapped by just behaving normally – what she really wanted to do was fling herself onto the cold tiles and bash her head against them to block out the pain in her heart.

  Suddenly, a hotly stabbing shot of pain coursed through her. Crying out involuntarily, she attempted to curl into a ball. The stitches in her lower abdomen along with the thick wadded bandaging restricted any movement.

  ‘Here we are,’ the nurse said as she returned. ‘I’m going to check your blood pressure first.’ As she fastened a black Velcro cuff around the top of Lainey’s arm, the machine kicked in. Although it was only gentle squeezing pressure, it made Lainey groan.

  ‘You poor love,’ said the nurse reading the numbers. ‘Your blood pressure is up a little.’ She took her temperature and scribbled on her chart again. ‘You really are very sore, aren’t you?’

  Lainey nodded miserably.

  ‘On a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst pain you’ve ever endured, where would you reckon you are right now?’

  Lainey blinked. She knew this numerical idea must be a very clear method of gaining accurate information most of the time. But her head was so muzzy and the pain so awful, she honestly couldn’t choose a number.

  If she said nine, the nurse might give her heroin. If she said two, she’d probably only get paracetemol.

  ‘It’s only a ball-park figure,’ said the nurse, patting her arm. ‘If it’s easier, you can use an adjective.’

  ‘I’m in agony,’ Lainey said weakly.

  ‘I guessed, pet. I’m going to give you a little injection along with a couple of tablets. That’ll make you feel a bit like having a snooze. But you’re in the right place for that.’

  Lainey hated needles. Who didn’t? But at that moment she’d never been so delighted to be stabbed by one and was hoping the magic liquid it contained was going to lift her out of this excruciating pain. She swallowed the tablets and tried to close her eyes. She’d have a little rest and Pippa would be here soon. Knowing her sister, she’d cheer her up. She’d probably say completely the wrong thing, but that was why Lainey needed her there.

  Back at the apartment, Pippa had forced herself to get dressed and put on makeup. She styled her hair and it looked glossy and bouncy, in total contrast to how she felt. The effect of the drug wasn’t fun or even confidence-boosting today. She longed for the unnatural sensation to depart. She leaned into the bathroom mirror and stared. Her eyes were like two snooker balls. There was no way she could see her family or Lainey yet.

  Figuring she could walk some of it off, Pippa pulled on her puffa coat and left the apartment. Her mobile rang again. This time it was Missy.

  ‘How’s Lainey?’ she asked.

  ‘Eh, I haven’t made it to the hospital yet,’ she said.

  ‘OMG, you are not going to believe this,’ she shrieked. ‘Daddy has just told me I’m to stay on late tonight along with Brianna. He wanted you to be here too, but seeing as we thought you were at the hospital he’d said not to bother you . . .’

  ‘What?’ Pippa said. ‘Why? Did we do something wrong?’ she asked nervously.

  ‘Nuh-uh,’ Missy said, ‘quite the opposite. Daddy seems to think the three of us are a buying and sales powerhouse. Brianna talked us up to him so much at the meeting just now. She totally loves us, Pippa,’ she said triumphantly. ‘And now Daddy thinks we’re totally the bomb. It seems there’s an A lister celeb coming in to do some after-hours shopping tonight! Daddy said not to even mention it to you if you’re busy at the hospital, but I know I’d totally kill you if you didn’t tell me about this one!’ she said squealing with excitement.

  ‘Really?’ Pippa said as her interest spiked. ‘Who is it?’

  ‘Guess,’ Missy said raising one eyebrow.

  ‘Eh, is it a man or a woman?’ Pippa asked. She stopped walking and leaned against a wall, gulping in fresh air.

  ‘Woman.’

  ‘Is she a singer or an actress?’

  ‘I can only answer yes or no,’ Missy insisted. Pippa rolled her eyes. She couldn’t cope with all Missy’s antics, but knew better than to snap at her.

  ‘Is she an actress?’

  ‘Yes!’ Missy said in delight.

  ‘Um . . .’

  Missy sounded like she was about to explode. Pippa sighed and rubbed her face, trying to feel less out of it.

  ‘I’ll give you a few clues. She’s the living end, has starred in all the biggest must-see movies of the past ten years. She used to be married to the most gorgeous man in Hollywood. She’s the only person on the planet who seems to genuinely have an amicable public divorce. She’s totally stunning and doll-like. Every girl wants to be her and all the men want to be with her . . . Oh and she’s Irish!’

  ‘Not Jodi Ludlum,’ Pippa said in awe.

  ‘Yes, Jodi Ludlum!’

  ‘Shut up!’ Pippa said nearly collapsing. ‘And she’s coming into the store tonight? To buy stuff?’

  ‘You got it, genius,’ Missy teased.

  ‘Oh holy God,’ Pippa said. ‘I have to phone everyone I know and tell them.’

  ‘No you don’t,’ Missy said. ‘Daddy says we can’t breathe a word and we’re not to have phones or cameras near her.’

  ‘Shoot,’ said Pippa chewing the inside of her cheek. ‘Bummer. I’d love a pally looking selfie photo for my Facebook page. Could you imagine how jealous everyone would be?’

  ‘I know!’ Missy said. ‘This is so cool. I actually feel like I’m going to have a heart attack!’

  ‘I still haven’t gone to see Lainey at the hospital,’ Pippa confessed. ‘I was so off my face I couldn’t go. I came home and had a shower and now I’m wandering aimlessly about trying to sober up.’

  ‘Well get your ass back in here and we’ll pass the time and use your energy to pick out the most amazing clothes for JODI LUDLUM!’ Missy yelled.

  Pippa was greatly relieved to have a valid reason why she couldn’t go and see Lainey. She could tell her sister tomorrow exactly who the ‘secret shopper’ was . . . Lainey would understand . . .

  Pippa still felt like a complete bitch as she texte
d her sister: Lainey I’m so sorry honey, but I’ve been detained at work. We’ve an A lister celebrity coming to do personal shopping and I can’t leave. It’ll be too late by the time I get out. I’ll be there first thing in the morning. Promise. Love you xx P

  Lainey had just drifted off as her phone beeped with a text message. The sickening raw pain was beginning to subside as she tried to focus on the text. Her heart sank as she read Pippa’s words. Knowing her sister couldn’t possibly help not being here, she felt like a spoilt child as her tears began to fall once more. Not wanting Pippa to feel any worse than she already did, Lainey sent a brief message: Hey no worries Pip. I know you’d be here if u cud. C u 2moro xx

  Pippa read Lainey’s text and stuffed her phone into her coat pocket. Shame and guilt taunted her as she strode back toward the city centre. Pippa knew she deserved to be hit by a truck or have a bird poo on her head right now. Karma would be well within its rights to bite her on the ass this minute. She was the worst sister on the planet and a total mess.

  Her throat hurt as she gulped in cold air and forced her burning leg muscles to move faster. Her phone rang yet again.

  ‘Hello?’ she panted.

  ‘Pippa, where are you? I’m at your apartment.’

  ‘Danny! Shit, I’m sorry. I’ve had to go back to work.’

  ‘I thought you were off your trolley? What about Lainey?’

  ‘I’m sorry, Danny. I’ve been called back into work. It’s an emergency and I’ve had to tell Lainey I’ll see her tomorrow.’

  ‘Didn’t you tell your boss you have a family situation?’

  ‘Yeah, they know. But this is . . .’

  ‘What? More important than your sister?’

  ‘Fuck off, Danny,’ she said, hanging up on him. Tears fell down her cheeks as she picked up her pace. As the store came into sight her mobile rang in her pocket. She snatched it out and gazed at the screen.

  Cursing under her breath she pressed the red button, cutting her mother off. Switching the phone off, she tried to block the entire situation with Lainey and her family from her mind. All she could cope with was the here and now. Everything else was far too complex.

  Lainey

  LAINEY THOUGHT HER HEART WOULD BURST OUT her chest as she saw Jules approaching from the hospital corridor.

  ‘I came as fast as I could. Matt rang. Oh sweetheart, how are you?’

  ‘I’m fine, Jules. You’re so good to come. You must’ve driven like a bat out of hell.’

  She nodded. ‘I parked on the grass out there too. There weren’t any proper spaces left and I needed to see you.’

  ‘Don’t make me laugh,’ Lainey said wincing. ‘Your car might get towed away. Should you not move it?’

  ‘Nah, sod it. If anyone wants to steal it, I’d be thrilled. It’s on its last legs and I doubt if it’ll make the NCT.’

  Jules didn’t want to say it to Lainey, but she looked like a corpse. She had so many tubes and scary machines hooked up to her. Her eyes were heavy and she was clearly fighting to stay awake.

  ‘You sleep for a while, pet. I’ll be right here. I’d prefer to sit on this chair with you than spend another evening with my mother. So you’ll be doing me a favour.’

  Thankfully, Lainey drifted off into a deep sleep. Jules couldn’t help taking a small brush from her own bag and gently teasing her friend’s hair into a less nest-like state. She plucked some facial wipes from her enormous bag and cleaned her skin. Lainey was seriously hot and looked an odd shade of green. The nurse came by to check on her and insisted they must stay quiet.

  ‘It’s after official visiting hours, so I’ll be shot if a doctor comes past.’

  ‘I’ll say that I snuck in,’ Jules said. ‘She’s my best friend in the whole world. I can’t leave her alone.’

  ‘She’s lucky to have you, love,’ said the nurse kindly. ‘I’ll turn a blind eye.’

  By the time Lainey woke, Jules had transformed her. She’d even massaged hand cream onto her arms.

  ‘I smell like you,’ Lainey said with a weak smile.

  ‘I gave you a little bird-bath while you were sleeping. I resisted doing your make-up figuring you’d only have to take it off again tomorrow.’

  ‘Thanks, Jules.’

  ‘How are you feeling now? Is the pain bad?’

  Lainey shook her head saying she was OK. They chatted a bit about Jules’ mother and both agreed she was a dragon who would end up alone.

  ‘She won’t even be a cat woman. No cat would want to live with her . . . Still my flat will be ready to move back into in a couple of days. So no harm done.’

  ‘Doesn’t it all make you feel ill?’ Lainey asked. ‘You know . . . Knowing that your own mother doesn’t . . .’

  ‘What? That she doesn’t really love me?’ Jules said. ‘I used to cry myself to sleep over that very fact . . . But since I’ve been back living with her, I’ve come to feel sorry for her, Lainz. She’s a sad, bitter, twisted, little-minded woman. It’s not actually my fault and I’ve realised that I can’t fix her. If she wakes up to reality some day, I’ll be there for her. But for now I need to get on with my life as best I can.’

  They sat in silence for a while until Lainey tried to sit up.

  ‘Ouch.’

  ‘Don’t move. I’ll call a nurse.’

  ‘No. I’m OK. I’ll stay like this . . .’ Jules actually jumped in fright as an animalistic noise emanated from Lainey.

  ‘Aw babes, will I get them to give you more painkillers?’

  ‘No, Jules.’ She reached over and covered her hand with her hot clammy one. ‘It’s not the physical pain that’s crippling me. It’s in here,’ she banged her chest. ‘How am I going to carry on, Jules? Everything I hoped for is gone . . . I thought . . . I thought it was all falling into place.’

  ‘Something will work out. You have Matt. And your parents.’

  Lainey’s head shot around as she gazed at Jules with such anger it blew her away.

  ‘I told Matt to keep my parents out of here.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Dad would be too upset and he wouldn’t know what to say or do, bless him. Mum would be insufferable. She’d have some barbed comment about how I deserve this and how it’s my own fault.’

  ‘Darling, nobody could possibly blame you for this terrible situation.’

  ‘You’d think so, right? But I’ll bet you a fiver my mother will have convinced herself I should’ve done something differently. Sometimes I catch her looking at me, Jules . . . I swear she hates me.’

  ‘Oh I’m sure that’s not true. Why would she hate you, honey?’

  ‘Your guess is as good as mine. But I know what I see.’ Angry tears choked her momentarily as she tried to stay calm. ‘It’s ironic, Jules. You look at both of our mothers. Yours treats you like shit and mine hates me. Why were they given babies if they behave that way? My mother has three children, but she acts as if she only wanted two. It’s so fucking unfair . . .’

  ‘Eh ladies,’ the nurse popped her head in the door. ‘I’ll have to ask you to keep it down . . . Oh, sorry love. Is everything OK? Are you in pain?’

  ‘No. Sorry, nurse,’ Lainey said. ‘I’m just having a total brain melt here.’

  ‘That’s understandable in the circumstances, Lainey. Just try not to yell the “f” word at the top of your lungs if possible.’

  She smiled through her tears and apologised again to the retreating nurse.

  Jules held her hand and sat convivially in the chair with her head tilted as she thought about things. Lainey wasn’t imagining it, she concluded. Holly was slightly snappy with her when she spoke. She put pressure on her to take Ely all the time too.

  ‘Hey, what if your mother is upset because you won’t really allow her to mind Ely that much? Would she be better if you handed him over a bit more?’

  ‘Why would I want to do that? She makes it clear she has no respect for me. She questions my mothering skills and belittles me at every given opportunity. So I’m
hardly going to give her the chance to poison my own son against me. She so spiteful at times, I wouldn’t put it past her to tell him I’m a bad mummy.’

  ‘I’m sure she wouldn’t do that, Lainz.’

  ‘She has him right now,’ she said. ‘Poor Matt doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going. So he dropped Ely to the gate lodge. Mum had the cot brought down and he’s staying there. I hate the thought of it. It churns me up inside.’

  ‘Why don’t you ask Pippa to help out for a bit then? Ely loves her. Where is she by the way?’

  ‘She’s stuck in work . . .’

  ‘What, at seven o’clock? Isn’t the store closed by now?’

  ‘No, I’m sure she’s finished now. But she was meant to come earlier on and she had to see some celebrity at the shop. One of those private opening things they do at the store.’

  ‘Who was coming in – not that they’re more important than you?’

  ‘She didn’t say . . .’

  Jules knew she needed to change the subject. Lainey had enough negative thoughts shooting around her head with adding Pippa’s selfishness to the list. Jules had to literally sit on her hands. She didn’t doubt for one minute that Holly had a profoundly harmful effect on Lainey’s happiness. But right at this moment in time, at least she was mucking in and helping. Pippa, on the other hand, was proving to be a self-centred little wench. When she got a hold of her, Jules was going to give her a piece of her mind. She’d noticed Pippa being rude and off-hand with her at the fete the other day. She’d let it go, but this was the final straw. Lainey bent over backwards for her younger sister and the least Pippa could do was be there in her hour of need.

  ‘How about I call to Huntersbrook tomorrow and take Ely for a while?’

  ‘Would you?’ Lainey asked.

  ‘It’d be my pleasure. I’ll be discreet and tell your folks I’m giving them a break.’

  ‘I don’t care what you say to my mother, quite frankly,’ Lainey said hotly. ‘Make sure she’s not poisoning my son against me, OK?’

  Jules encouraged Lainey to lie back and try to relax. Her body had been through so much and she needed to rest. She stroked her hair until she was certain her friend was deeply asleep before tip-toeing out the door.