The Heart of Winter

by Emma Hannigan

  ‘Lainey? Can you hear me?’

  She turned her head to the side and squeezed her eyes shut, hoping the awfulness would disappear. Loud swishing noises made her stomach lurch. The voice came back.

  ‘Lainey? Please answer me, love.’

  She licked her lips. They were flaky and her tongue was spongy.

  ‘Lainey?’

  She needed to tell the voice to stop annoying her. Maybe then she could return to the lovely floaty state. Instead, her eyes popped open as an image of Matt hovered right there above her face.

  ‘Matt.’

  ‘Thank God,’ he said lowering his head to kiss her tenderly. She smiled. Even though she wasn’t in the paradise she’d visited, it was wonderful to see him.

  She tried to sit up so she could tell Matt about the place. He’d love it. She could try and take him there. But none of her muscles wanted to engage. She couldn’t direct her spine to curl forward so she could sit up.

  She felt Matt’s touch on her forehead as he stroked her hair gently.

  ‘It’s all going to be OK,’ he said, his voice croaking with love.

  She focused on him. He looked drawn and exhausted. There was deep sadness in his eyes that told her something awful had happened.

  ‘What is it?’ she managed.

  A single tear escaped down his cheek as he tried to give her a brave smile.

  ‘You’re going to be fine, and that’s the main thing.’

  Confusion was an added pain she simply couldn’t deal with. She closed her eyes again, willing sleep to take over. The journey she’d been on was incredible. But she needed to sleep now. She couldn’t bear to hear the tale of woe Matt was clearly burdened by. Perhaps when she’d had a little sleep, then she’d be able. Or better still, maybe the problem might go away. She drifted away again, leaving it all behind, embracing the quietness and the darkness.

  What seemed like hours later, Lainey woke again. A team of doctors were standing at the end of her bed. One stepped forward and came round to the side of the bed.

  ‘Lainey, I’m Dr Cumisky,’ he said. ‘I need to tell you what happened.’

  ‘OK,’ she managed as she tried to sit up.

  ‘I’ll get the nurses to help you into a more comfortable position. But for now, you’ll need to lie still.’

  ‘What happened to me?’ she asked.

  ‘I’m afraid I had to perform a full hysterectomy on you.’

  ‘No . . .’ She wanted to cry, but her body was too exhausted and numb. The words washed over her like a wave of icy water.

  ‘My baby . . .’

  ‘That’s the thing,’ Dr Cumisky said. ‘You weren’t actually pregnant, Lainey.’

  ‘But I did a test,’ she said.

  ‘You had a cyst. Let me explain . . . There is a type of rare ovarian cyst that can occasionally produce HCG, which is the hormone present during pregnancy. That’s why your home-testing kit gave you a positive pregnancy result.’

  ‘Do I have cancer?’ she whispered.

  ‘I don’t know the answer to that question just yet,’ Dr Cumisky said. ‘I’ve removed the mass, which is called a teratoma or a dermoid. These cysts can be either benign or malignant. I have no way of knowing which until pathology test it.’

  Lainey was numb. She had no words. Dr Cumisky talked a bit more, but she’d already zoned out. She managed some level of small talk while remembering to thank him for saving her life before he moved off with his team.

  Left alone in the room with Matt, she tried to make sense of it all.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she suddenly said turning to him.

  ‘Hey,’ he crooned. ‘What are you apologising for?’

  ‘I’ve killed our chances of having any more children,’ she said as her voice cracked. Her body shook violently as she sobbed. Matt said all the right things and reassured her over and over again that he loved her and nothing else mattered.

  ‘We have Ely and most of all we have us.’

  She nodded. He was right. But she couldn’t shake the hollow, lonely, bitter ache that was snowballing inside of her.

  ‘Where’s Ely?’ she asked suddenly.

  ‘He’s with Holly. She was brilliant. As soon as the ambulance arrived she took him and said she’d keep him as long as we need.’

  ‘I don’t want her near him,’ she said loudly.

  ‘Lainey,’ Matt sighed. ‘We need all the support we can get right now. It’s going to take a while before you’re back on your feet. We need to know the test results. This could be a long road ahead, love. Let’s not shut anyone out . . .’

  Anger shot through her like a runaway train. The thought of her mother commandeering Ely galled her. Knowing Holly, she’d change his routine and poison him against her. She was about to voice all of that to Matt when she glanced up at his stricken face. Knowing he was on the edge and had clearly been through the mill, she gritted her teeth and remained silent.

  ‘It’s better for Ely if he’s being minded by Holly rather than shunting him from Billy to Jack while you’re incapacitated,’ Matt said pleadingly.

  She nodded.

  Matt sat back in the chair and she looked over at him. He’d actually aged since this morning. He was pale and pinched looking and all she felt was guilt. How could she shout at him and make a fuss? The poor man looked worried sick.

  ‘Why don’t you get off home?’ she suggested. ‘It’s been a much longer day for you than me. I was asleep for most of it. You’ve been through the mill.’

  ‘I’m fine here,’ he said.

  ‘I’d rather you went.’ She put her hand out for him to clasp. ‘It won’t change anything if you sit here uncomfortably for the entire night. Go and get some food and a proper night’s sleep.’

  ‘If you’re sure,’ he said, looking doubtful.

  ‘I am. Thanks for everything. We’ll be OK, darling. As you rightly said, we have each other. We’ll get through this.’

  Her ploy worked and Matt’s worried face softened slightly. He leaned over and kissed her before walking out. He turned around as he was about to enter the corridor and waved. She blew him a kiss and smiled.

  Once she was certain he was gone, Lainey allowed the tears to fall. Her sight blurred as she lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling. A hot angry trickle coursed down either side of her face as she gulped. The tsunami of grief that engulfed her was so fierce, it threatened to stop her heart. Grief for the baby she thought she was carrying. Grief for the other babies she would never have. Grief for Ely, who would be an only child. Grief for Matt, who had a defunct, useless wife.

  Pippa

  PIPPA WAS ALMOST ON HER HANDS AND KNEES. She’d had hangovers before, but none came close to the ones she’d been experiencing lately. Her eyeballs felt like they’d been peeled, her limbs ached, but most of all it was as if a fog had descended on her brain. Even the most menial task was difficult to carry out. When they’d returned from Paris, Missy had bamboozled her into going clubbing. Right now she felt as if her liver were beginning to fail. She needed a week of early nights so she wouldn’t be in a coma by the time Missy’s party came round.

  ‘Seriously, Pippa,’ Missy said crashing in the door of her office. ‘You look like hell. This isn’t going to work. Daddy is on his way in here and we’ve to sit with Brianna and go through the events of the trip to Paris.’

  Pippa swallowed hard. The thought of having a conversation with Mr Hassett, let alone fill him in on what they’d bought and how they proposed selling it all, was terrifying.

  ‘Here, get your ass into the bathroom and powder your nose,’ Missy said tossing a small leather purse at her. ‘It’s in the tiny zippy part.’

  ‘Oh no, thank you Missy but I couldn’t . . .’

  ‘Your eyes are hanging out of your head, Pippa. You look like shit. I am not about to raise any suspicions with my old man. He knows you and I go together like ham and eggs right now. If you’re looking this horrendous, he’s going to start scrutinizing me. I don’t need
to be in the firing line today. Daddy thinks I’ve turned over a new leaf. He’s delighted I’m finally showing an interest in this sorry excuse of a store. So don’t you even dream of messing this up for me, you hear?’

  ‘I’m sure he won’t even notice me . . .’ Pippa began.

  ‘My father isn’t some old buzzard who has no idea of life, Pippa. I need him on side. I’ve had enough of his and Mum’s lectures and tutting to last me a lifetime. You’re not going to make me look bad, you hear?’

  ‘I’ll pop to the loo and put on some more make-up. That’ll do the trick.’

  As she went to walk past, Pippa felt Missy’s long gel nails digging into the top of her arm.

  ‘Do what I tell you, Pippa. I won’t allow you to screw things up for me. Even if you hired the world’s most talented plasterer, he wouldn’t fix your sorry hungover face.’ She grabbed the purse from Pippa’s desk and thrust it into her hand. ‘Hurry up, you don’t need to be late and make an entrance.’

  By the time she secured the cubicle door shut Pippa was sweating. Panic pricked at her, giving her goose bumps all over. Her eyes burned with unshed tears as she fumbled with the purse. She hated the thought of taking more coke, but she couldn’t figure out any alternative choice. She’d become quite the expert by now and she swiftly snorted two lines. She was washing her hands when her mobile rang. Grabbing it up from the side of the sink, she saw Matt’s number flashing up.

  ‘Pippa,’ he said sounding strangled. ‘I have some bad news about Lainey. The worst, really.’

  She listened in horror as he filled her in on Lainey’s condition and the emergency surgery she’d had the day before.

  ‘Oh no! Poor Lainey,’ she managed.

  ‘I tried calling your mobile last night. So did Holly. But we couldn’t get you.’

  Pippa sucked in air sharply. She’d been out with Missy and hadn’t wanted to answer the phone in case she sounded totally out of it. The commotion with Missy this morning had sidetracked her and she’d forgotten to ring anyone back.

  ‘She’s really low, Pippa. She was trying to put a brave face on things, but she’s struggling like I’ve never seen her before. It broke my heart to leave her there last night,’ he said. ‘I think she’s grieving the baby she thought she had and all the others she wanted.’ His voice dropped to a ragged whisper. ‘It’s just awful.’

  ‘Will you call me when you get to the hospital this morning?’ she asked. Her head was spinning and she could feel her pulse racing. Her temples throbbed and she struggled to focus on what Matt was telling her.

  ‘Pippa, I think she’d love to see you,’ he said.

  ‘What?’

  There was a pause at the other end of the line and Pippa knew Matt must be shocked by her reaction. ‘Lainey needs you. Would you be able to leave work and go to her, even for an hour?’

  ‘I . . .’ Pippa clunked her head against the wall. ‘I’m in the middle of something at the moment. Can I call you back?’

  She hung up and ran the cold water tap. Splashing it onto her face, she prayed the shock would sober her. The door burst open.

  ‘What’s up? You look like you’ve just been shown Santa’s grave,’ Missy said. ‘Come on. Brianna and Daddy are waiting. I’m not sitting in there on my own. Jeez, Pippa, fix your make-up for crying out loud.’

  ‘Missy, it’s Lainey,’ she said and quickly filled her in.

  ‘I hope this isn’t going to affect my party,’ Missy said immediately.

  ‘Pardon?’ Pippa asked, narrowing her eyes.

  ‘Uh, like . . . ’cause it’s all costing your family a pile of cash. So it really needs to go ahead. And besides, soo many people are coming . . .’

  Pippa wanted to thump Missy. She really was the most selfish and spoilt creature she’d ever met.

  ‘My sister is lying in a hospital bed and she might have cancer,’ Pippa said through gritted teeth. ‘Are you seriously telling me that the first thing that jumps into your head is your party?’

  ‘Now you’re twisting my words,’ Missy said. ‘I am just as concerned as you are about Lainey. I’m the one who’s helping your family business don’t forget,’ she said. ‘Talk about biting the hand that feeds,’ Missy sneered.

  Pippa took deep breaths, attempting to calm herself.

  ‘I’m sorry, Missy,’ she said. ‘I . . . I’m just so scared.’

  ‘OK,’ she conceded. ‘I’ll get you a taxi. We’ll both go to the hospital and see Lainey.’ As she turned to walk away, Pippa felt as if she were swimming through syrup.

  ‘I can’t see Lainey while I’m buzzed off my head,’ Pippa blurted out.

  ‘Would you keep your bloody voice down,’ Missy hissed. ‘I don’t get you, Pippa. All I’ve done since this morning is try and help. First I try to dig you out of looking like shit at our meeting and now you’re acting like a diva for no reason. I’m offering to accompany you to sit at your sister’s bedside and you’re throwing it all back in my face and behaving like some deranged idiot. Sometimes I wonder why I bother with you . . .’

  ‘I’m so sorry, Missy,’ Pippa said as her heart pounded. The last thing she needed was Missy turning on her and taking it out on her family.

  ‘Friendship is a two-way thing,’ Missy said with her hands on her hips.

  ‘I know,’ Pippa said. Her pulse was racing and she longed for a drink of water. ‘Thank you for being so good to me,’ she said attempting to say what she thought Missy wanted to hear.

  Pippa’s phone rang again. Bracing herself, she prepared to tell Matt she’d be there later in the afternoon.

  ‘I’m still in a meeting,’ she said answering it without looking.

  ‘Oh . . . Sorry, Pip. I just wanted . . .’

  ‘Lainey!’ Pippa wailed. ‘Oh God, are you OK? Of course you’re not. Oh Lainey, I’m so sorry to hear what’s happened. Matt just called.’

  ‘It’s been so scary, Pippa.’ Her voice sounded so weak and far away, not like her sister at all. Tears streamed down Pippa’s cheeks as her entire body began to shake.

  ‘I’ll come as soon as I can,’ she promised.

  ‘Thanks, Pippa,’ Lainey said. ‘I’d like that.’

  ‘Hang in there, Lainey,’ Pippa said as she hung up.

  ‘Ugh, the drama of it all,’ Missy said and pulled Pippa towards Brianna’s office. ‘There’s been a crisis,’ Missy announced.

  By the time Pippa explained the situation to Brianna and Mr Hassett she was having trouble controlling her heaving sobs.

  ‘Oh Pippa, that’s terrible,’ Mr Hassett said. ‘You must go to your sister at once. Missy can organise a cab for you. Take as much time as you need.’

  ‘Absolutely,’ Brianna agreed. ‘Would you like me to come with you? I can stay in the waiting room. I wouldn’t want to crowd your family.’

  ‘Oh gosh no,’ Pippa said. Her hands were shaking violently. Her jaw was clamped and her teeth began to grind horribly.

  ‘You’re really in shock, love,’ Brianna said, taking her arm and guiding her to a chair.

  ‘I’ll be fine in a minute,’ she managed. She knew she needed to stop crying, but her emotions seemed to be operating independently of her brain. Looking up at Brianna, she heard herself saying she’d like to go home and fetch some things.

  ‘Will I take you?’ she offered.

  ‘Thank you. You’re being so wonderful,’ Pippa said as she finally managed to reduce her bawling to a shuddery version of hiccupping. ‘But I think it’d be best if I go alone. Missy has been amazing too,’ she said looking over at her. ‘But the hospital where they’ve taken Lainey is a small regional one and they wouldn’t be able to cope with a crowd. Lainey is very weak too . . .’

  ‘Of course,’ Brianna said.

  ‘If you need us, just call,’ Missy said sweetly.

  Pippa strode to her desk and gathered her things. As she made her way down the escalator and out into the dewy air she felt completely bug-eyed. There was no way in hell she could pitch up at Lainey’
s bedside in this boggled state.

  Half running and half walking, she made it to the end of the street and jumped on a bus. The journey to her apartment seemed to go on forever.

  Her phone rang as Lainey’s name danced on the screen. Her vision was oddly blurred. She let it ring out. Bile rose in her throat as she disembarked and staggered from the bus to the safety of her apartment.

  Not sure of who else she could call, she dialled Danny’s number.

  ‘Hey,’ he answered in a whisper. ‘I’m with a client. Can I buzz you back in a few?’

  ‘Danny,’ she said sounding strangled. ‘I need your help . . .’

  ‘What’s happened?’

  ‘It’s Lainey . . . She’s in hospital and I need to go to her but I’m buzzing off my face . . .’

  ‘What? Now? How?’

  Haltingly, she filled him in.

  ‘Oh bloody hell, Pippa,’ he said. ‘Listen, I’ve stepped outside my office for a minute. But I’ll have to go back in. I’ll get to you as soon as I can. But it’s going to be at least half an hour. Stay calm, yeah?’

  ‘I have to go to Lainey,’ she wailed.

  ‘Are you insane?’ he shot back. ‘You can’t go near a hospital in that state. A doctor would take one look at you and know you’re out of your mind. You’ll have to wait a few hours until you’re in a fit state.’

  Pippa hung up and perched on the edge of the sofa. Hoping it might help, she peeled off her clothes and got into the shower. Slowly moving the temperature dial she made the water as cold as she could bear. Shivering violently she stepped out and pulled a towel from the hook on the back of the bathroom door. Wrapping herself, she plunged onto the floor and sat huddled like a cornered rat.

  Lainey

  LAINEY FELT DESOLATE. SHE KNEW MATT WOULD be there soon and she honestly wanted to see him. But sometimes a girl just needed her sister.