Let Me Be Your Last (Music and Letters Series Book 4)

by Lynsey M. Stewart

  ‘She knows Shelley’s pregnant yet she hasn’t said a word to me.’ He finally met my eyes. ‘Nothing. No shouting. No arguments,’ he muttered.

  ‘She’s exhausted.’ He dropped his eyes again. ‘She can’t do this anymore.’

  ‘Why are you here?’ he asked finally. ‘You fucking left her. If you want her that much, why didn’t you fight?’

  ‘I didn’t leave her. I left to make plans, look at the options and how quickly I could make them work. Thanks to you, I didn’t have a job.’

  ‘But you do now?’

  ‘I contacted a school I worked in last year and the head offered me a permanent position starting in September.’ He shook his head, laughing bitterly. ‘I’m viewing a property tomorrow.’ I put the details down on his desk along with Gem’s note and slid them over to him.

  ‘It’s a fucking dump,’ he spat.

  ‘I’m here to secure it and start making a home for them.’

  ‘That will take months, a year. I could stop the money tomorrow.’ He sat forward and it required real effort from me not to lose it, but I couldn’t, not after coming this far.

  ‘Do you think I care about that? You can’t use that against her anymore. I have money to support them. If you pulled out tomorrow, I’d cover the mortgage without a second thought.’

  ‘You’d do that for her?’ he asked, like it was the most bizarre prospect he had ever heard.

  ‘I’d do anything.’

  Jay fiddled with a pen on his desk, turning it over, flipping it, the concentration a pure distraction technique. He knew I had him. He had nowhere to go, no more moves to make.

  ‘Do the right thing. I’m here to make this work for all of us. I don’t want to take your kids away from you. That’s the last thing I want.’

  ‘Gem can do what she likes but my kids are a different matter,’ he replied, pulling at the collar of his shirt.

  ‘I’m not trying to be their dad. I don’t take enjoyment in the fact that you’re finding this hard. What kind of man would that make me? I’m trying hard not to hold anything against you. You got me fired and you’ve tried fucking hard to break us, but still I wouldn’t do anything to stand in the way of you having a decent relationship with your kids.’

  ‘They idolise you. I’ve been…’ He shook his head as words failed him. ‘Well, I’ve not been the best.’

  ‘You could change that,’ I replied as he scrubbed his hand down his face.

  ‘I want to be better. I’m trying.’ I nodded as he pushed the details of the barn back to me across the desk and rested his head in his hands. ‘Does she know about any of this?’

  ‘She sent the details to me. She knew I wanted to take on a project, but she doesn’t know I’m in the process of buying it with the aim to make it our home.’

  ‘What if she says no?’

  ‘She won’t,’ I replied, because I’d never been so sure of anything in my life. ‘I want to marry her.’ His eyes pinged wider. ‘I promise I’ll look after them. I want to be part of their lives, Jay. You might be an almighty prick, but you make amazing kids.’

  His lips pulled up slightly at the corner, but he hid his emotions well. This had to be hard for him. ‘First time we’ve agreed on something,’ he replied, finally sitting back, studying me. ‘You hurt her or my boys and I’ll hunt you down.’

  ‘You hurt Gem or the boys and I’ll do the same.’

  He stood up and held out his hand. I took it after some hesitation because I knew we were never going to be best pals. I couldn’t find a thin slither of common ground or begin to fathom what we would talk about at family gatherings or future life events. He would never be someone I could understand, work out how his mind worked, or actions he took. But I had to push that aside and learn to appreciate him for what he would always be: Theo and Brandon’s father.

  Chapter 49

  Gem

  It’s funny how material objects are looked after more than our own flesh and blood. A dodgy boiler can be serviced and back to full working order with a few tweaks, a car has to pass an annual safety test for it to be considered roadworthy, but my heart just had to sit there, beating to the rhythm of whatever the fuck was going on in my life. Tiny flutters of wonderfulness. Big, bold waves of anxiety. No wonder it could suddenly decide to not bother anymore. Wouldn’t it be great to have an annual heart safety test? A regular checkup and a drop of oil to perk it up again? I needed that checkup today, an extra dose of steeliness and an unwavering nerve, because the moment I had been waiting for, the moment I had rehearsed and recited, was finally here.

  ‘Boys, Daddy’s arrived. Bring your bags downstairs, please.’ Theo landed with a thud first, followed by Brandon who had a teddy sticking out of his backpack. ‘I need to talk to Daddy first. Can you go and play outside for a few minutes?’ I watched Theo guide Brandon through to the kitchen and out the back door, but not before he came back in and gave me a squeeze telling me he knew exactly what I needed to talk to his Daddy about.

  I opened the door to a nervous man. His palm was scratching across the back of his neck, his feet pacing. He glanced sideways at me, skittish and edgy, his face contorted into a grimace I could imagine you would have if someone bashed you on the knuckle with a garlic press.

  ‘You know,’ he said.

  ‘I think we need to talk.’ I pulled the door back and watched him settle awkwardly on the couch. He pulled at his trousers, picking imaginary fluff off his suit lapels. ‘The kids are playing outside. I thought that was best. I didn’t want them to see me throat punch their father.’

  ‘The baby…wasn’t planned. It’s a mistake, Gem.’

  ‘I’m sure Shelley would love you to describe the life growing inside of her as a mistake.’

  ‘I told Theo not to tell you,’ he replied, and that was it. Forget heart checks; I was going to need a transplant.

  ‘Don’t blame our son for outing your little secret. He’s a child. You can’t possibly expect him to hold on to that.’

  ‘What I’m trying to say is…I would rather have been given the opportunity to tell you myself.’

  ‘Do you know what really upsets me about this?’ His eyes flicked up and I caught something in his glance, a spark of hope or a flicker of excitement that I was going to tell him I was upset that he was fathering a child with another woman, taking with it my dreams of us making it work and getting back together. All the fucks no. ‘It’s your grandiose view that you can tell me what I can and can’t do with my life, that you strongly feel you get to have a say. You don’t. You fucking don’t.’

  ‘Gem—’

  ‘Nothing you can say can make this better. Nothing.’

  ‘I can explain.’

  ‘How can you possibly explain yourself?’ He went back to picking nonexistent fluff off his trouser leg, and I wanted to take him by his shoulders and shake him. ‘Let’s look at it in simple terms. You cheat. You start a new life with Shelley. Four years later, you ask her to marry you and you make a baby together. Shall we look at me now? You cheat. I put our kids first and look after them to the best of my ability without much help from you. Four years later, I meet someone. You don’t like it. You get jealous because you think he will be a better father figure to them. You send him running. How is that fair?’

  ‘I fucked up!’ he shouted, holding up his hands. ‘I know I fucked up.’

  ‘He’s kind, selfless, loves our children. He adores me,’ I replied. ‘Finally, Jay! Someone who accepts me and doesn’t want me to change. Don’t I deserve that?’

  ‘You do. Of course you do.’

  I folded my arms across my chest and turned my back to him. Even this small victory couldn’t help the ache I felt low in my stomach. Josh was still in Cornwall and I had no idea what the future held for us.

  I heard Jay stand up and felt him come close behind me, close enough to hear his shallow breaths, but the hand he placed on my shoulder still surprised me. We hadn’t physically touched for years, and the kaleidoscope o
f feelings it invoked in me was hard to ignore. It felt oddly comforting yet strangely bizarre. I contemplated shrugging him off but then I heard Theo and Brandon’s high-pitched squeals as they played in the garden, the children we had created together, and suddenly my hand was on his. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said softly, so quietly I almost missed it. ‘You deserve everything and I’m sorry I couldn’t give it to you.’ I felt the coldness of a tear on my face. Years of battling had finally brought us to this small moment of peace.

  ‘You gave me two beautiful boys,’ I replied.

  ‘Beautiful boys that I’ve neglected,’ he said, squeezing my shoulder as he removed his hand. ‘I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my life.’

  ‘You can do something about it, Jay. Don’t just accept that’s the way it is and leave it there. Change. Change now. For them.’

  He went through to the kitchen and watched them playing out of the window, a deep smile appearing on his face. ‘Can you remember when I first held Theo? I took him to the hospital window; it was dark but the sky was so clear. I promised him I would never let him down, that I would look after him forever.’

  ‘I remember you told him that you’d buy him his first pint on his eighteenth birthday,’ I replied, laughing as Brandon tripped over a football.

  ‘What happened?’ he said wistfully.

  ‘The restaurant. Shelley. They became your focus.’

  He winced and shook his head. ‘I’m a fucking prick.’

  ‘Can’t disagree with that. Sorry.’

  He laughed a single laugh and put his hands in his pockets. ‘They’re going to have a half-sibling and I want them around, Gem. I want them to know each other, be a family. I want them both to know they’re important.’

  ‘Theo worries you’ll love the baby more.’

  He dragged his hand across his mouth. ‘Fuck’

  ‘Make sure they’re included,’ I said, glancing sideways at him.

  ‘I will. Shelley agrees. We’re looking to a buy our own home. They’ll have their own bedrooms. I want them to stay more, have them overnight. I’ve done a lot of thinking since…well, doesn’t matter.’ He took my hand and squeezed it. ‘He’s a good man.’

  ‘Who?’ I asked.

  ‘Josh.’

  ‘How can you say that after everything you’ve done?’

  ‘Jealousy got the better of me.’

  ‘He doesn’t want to replace you,’ I replied.

  ‘He can’t,’ he said, the fail-safe cockiness coming back in to play. ‘I wouldn’t let him.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter anyway,’ I shrugged. ‘I have no idea where we stand or what our future is.’

  He turned and smiled, dropping his gaze and focusing on the boys again before saying, ‘I don’t think you need to worry about that.’

  Chapter 50

  Gem

  ‘Can you tell me why Ben’s grandma is eating a cheese sandwich at the top table?’ Elle said, slightly flustered but still wearing a smile. Ben’s grandma was a force to be reckoned with. Think Abi in sixty years time and you’ll be halfway there.

  ‘It’s my duty as maid of honour to iron out every little problem. She was complaining that she was hungry, so I’ve sorted it. No need to worry. I decided to just let her get on with it because I like my face,’ I replied as I fluffed up Elle’s veil. She looked beautiful and I had spent most of the day in tears. I was still trying to figure out if it was because my best friend was marrying the man that was destined to be hers, or because the man I felt was destined to be mine wasn’t even here. He had agreed to be my plus one, but since he left, we hadn’t discussed it again and I was feeling decidedly lonely.

  ‘She’s even worse when she’s hungry,’ Elle replied, eyeing Ben’s grandma cautiously.

  ‘I tried offering her a canapé, telling her it would keep her going until the meal, but she said it looked like a clit on toast.’

  ‘Jesus,’ Elle whispered.

  ‘Don’t worry. She’s a happy grandma with a cheese sandwich,’ I said, fisting the air and trying to sound upbeat in the hope that Elle would get on board.

  ‘We’re about to start the speeches,’ she said through her gritted teeth. I fanned her with my hands and grabbed her a glass of champagne from a tray as a waiter passed by.

  ‘Hey, beautiful.’ Ben snaked his arm around Elle’s waist and she instantly relaxed. Her shoulders dropped and her rib cage expanded, allowing her to breath again. The man was a miracle worker. ‘Are you ready?’ They had decided to get the speeches out of the way before the meal so that Ben and Elle’s dad could relax for the rest of the day. Ben didn’t do social talking and Elle’s dad barely talked at all.

  ‘Gem,’ Elle said, stopping to hug me. ‘I have a feeling today is going to be good for both of us.’ Ben led her away before I had the chance to pick apart what she meant.

  I joined the bridal party at the top table, laughing as Abi joined Ben’s grandma in a pint of Guinness and smiling as Elle soaked in her new husband. Elle’s dad made a short but lovely speech. He was a man of a few words, but when he talked, you listened. Ben had prepared his speech weeks in advance. He had called me panicking, so we’d met for coffee so I could I help him get his feelings in order and pull it together.

  Ben stood, took the microphone from Elle’s dad and pulled the speech out of his pocket. I watched as he unfolded it, staring at it for a few seconds, the silence getting bigger as family and friends waited for him to speak. Trying to catch his eye to give him some encouragement was impossible; he only had eyes for Elle. His deep breath travelled across the microphone and then he dropped his speech on the table. Elle reached for his hand, worrying that the nerves had taken over, trying to give him some comfort as he started to unravel in front of wide-eyed guests who were wondering if he would make a run for it with Elle under his arm. He did neither of those things. He asked Elle to stand with him, and as he looked into her eyes, he spoke directly from the heart. There was no rehearsed speech, no nervous tumbling over written words that suddenly didn’t make any sense anymore. Just pure love channelling through his words.

  Elle read his speech later but said she preferred his off the cuff declaration of love more.

  Then it was my turn.

  When I’d met with Ben a few months ago to help him prepare his speech—or calm him down, whichever way you chose to look at it—he asked if I would be prepared to make my own. He said he’d been thinking about it a lot because Elle and I meant so much to each other. I didn’t hesitate in agreeing. I spoke to Abi and Kate, and we discussed a general theme, each adding what we wanted to say as part of it. I took out Kate’s blow job advice and Abi’s tips for a long lasting sex life and wrote about finding a love so special you felt it in your bones. When Josh left, I tore it up and started again because when I read it back to myself, I cried, realising it wasn’t a true representation of love. It had been written from a skewed angle by someone with a cautious heart, but unlike other areas of my life, my love for Elle wasn’t cautious. She was my sister in every way but blood. My love for her was open, free and ready. I accepted it without limitations or concerns. We didn’t question our commitment to each other or worry about our trust being broken into pieces. Our love for each other always remained strong and pure. I knew my words needed to reflect that on one of the most important days of Elle’s life.

  ‘Gem, would you like to stand?’ Ben asked, passing me the microphone. I held it to my mouth and noticed my hands shaking. Abi and Kate whooped and cheered and Elle dabbed her eyes with a tissue, dropping it on a huge pile sitting at the side of her on the table. She’d always been a crier. It took her a full five minutes to speak intelligibly when she held Theo for the first time.

  I smoothed my dress down and took a deep breath. ‘Good afternoon, ladies, gentleman and Abi.’

  ‘Fifty Shades nod. Winning at life,’ she replied, giving me a salute. Most of the guests looked baffled apart from Kate, Elle and Elle’s mum, who were laughing loudly as we remembe
red our Fifty Shades cinema trips. I glanced at Ben’s grandma, who was also laughing, understanding the reference. We had watched Darker with her at her nursing home. We knew she was one of us when she declared that Jamie Dornan could tie her to a pummel horse anytime.

  ‘Elle is my oldest friend. We met on our first day of secondary school, and after sharing her lunch with me, I knew we were going to be friends for a very long time. She’s given me the gift of friendship; not just hers, but Abi’s and Kate’s too, and for that, I will always be thankful.’ I looked around the room and saw Theo and Brandon sitting with Jamie, who was staring at Abi like she was the only woman alive. Danny was on his other side with Brandon tracing the tattoos on his fingers. I dropped my eyes, trying to focus on something to stop the tears. I may not have had the kind of love that my girls had, the man I wanted it with wasn’t even in the room, but I had an abundance of love from people who mattered.

  I took a deep breath and continued. ‘It feels like Elle has always been part of my life. We’ve celebrated Valentine’s Day together. She held my hand when love didn’t work out for me. She’s helped me raise my children. In fact, she’s the best relationship I’ve ever had.’ The crowd laughed and I took a second while the noise died down before carrying on. ‘There are many versions of love. Some of us may never find our one, but I’ve had a wonderful version of love through her.’ Elle stood and we hugged for a while, ignoring everyone else in the room until I felt Ben’s hand move to her. She continued hugging me but held his hand too. I felt every tiny particle of their connection, their love, their tenderness, and I took a moment to catch my breath as this moment had stolen mine. ‘Love isn’t easy to find, well, it hasn’t been for me, but Elle and Ben have taught me that love isn’t the fairy tales you read about in books or see in films. Love is real and true. You gave me hope that love is out there.’