Let Me Be Your Last (Music and Letters Series Book 4)

by Lynsey M. Stewart

  ‘And then you found it.’

  I glanced to where the voice had come from and saw him immediately.

  Josh.

  He was leaning against the wall across from me, smiling tentatively, watching me steadily. I took every inch of him in, familiarising myself, desperate to touch him, but unsure, because I had no idea where we stood.

  ‘I found love but lost it again,’ I replied breathlessly.

  ‘Never. I fall for you every time.’

  My eyes caught Theo, who was bouncing up and down as Danny tried to hold him back. I nodded my head and he let him go. I gasped as he ran over to Josh and threw his arms around his waist. The bare bones of facts fell away as I watched them. He gave Theo his full attention, barely able to look at me as he took in his tumbling words. He laughed, his bright eyes shining with genuine warmth. He looked across at Brandon and waved to him, including him, and then his eyes made their way back to me and suddenly, I didn’t feel lonely anymore.

  Elle pushed her arm through mine and whispered against my ear, ‘If you need to stop, stop. You’ve made a beautiful speech already. You don’t need to carry on.’ I squeezed her arm, telling her not to leave me, but I wanted to finish this for the woman who meant more to me than a best friend; she was family. ‘He’s come for you like I told you he would.’

  ‘You knew?’ I whispered.

  ‘He’s been keeping me in the loop.’ She leant in, kissing me on the cheek before joining Ben again. There was a story to tell, but right now, all I could focus on was finishing the speech without sobbing my way through it.

  ‘I wanted to finish by giving Elle and Ben some marriage tips, but I can only give advice on how to have a good wedding day, not a lasting marriage.’ The crowd laughed again. I glanced at Josh, who had his hands on Theo’s shoulders. ‘Make sure you get some time alone with each other, even if it’s just for a few minutes to take stock. It will go by so quickly and you want to remember every last second. Catch each other’s eyes during the day. Reconnect.’ I pushed my shoulders back and met Josh’s heated gaze. ‘Do what pleases you both and not what pleases others, because that never ends well.’ Josh smiled before pulling in his lips and nodding like I was making all the sense in the world. ‘Finally, listen to your hearts; they speak a truth that can’t be denied.’

  I watched as Josh bent down to Theo. I could make out his words. ‘Take me to your mummy.’ Theo held his hand and led him to the top table where I was still standing on shaking legs and trying to keep hold of a racing heartbeat. The wedding party started clapping, but the noise was drowned out as I closed my eyes and counted, just like Josh had shown me all those weeks ago.

  One for Theo.

  Two for Brandon.

  Three for me.

  And now four—for Josh.

  ‘You came,’ I said as I felt his lips on mine, my eyes still closed as I finished running through the numbers in my head.

  ‘Of course. I’d do anything for you.’

  ‘Just stay with me,’ I said, catching his hands as they left my waist. ‘That’s all I need.’

  ‘You look beautiful,’ he replied, taking my hands and holding me at arm’s length as he skimmed his eyes across my body, taking me in again. ‘Happy birthday.’

  ‘It’s not my birthday until tomorrow.’

  ‘I know,’ he said with a smile, dropping his forehead to mine. I could smell the clean scent of him as my lips brushed his neck and tingles swarmed me. His hands were warm as they caressed my heated cheeks and ran to the back of my neck, fluttering his fingers across the spot he knew caused the moan he liked and only he could cause. ‘Tell me that all this was worth it, Gem. Tell me you trust me.’

  ‘I think I always did. I just didn’t know it.’

  And as the world started to slip away on his soft touches and welcome firm grasps, all was right again.

  Chapter 51

  Josh

  ‘You went to see him? When?’ she asked, her blue eyes opening wide and reflecting the flickers of sparkles from the chandelier above our heads. She was more beautiful than I remembered, which I didn’t think was possible.

  ‘As soon as you told me he’s expecting a baby. I was planning on going so see him anyway, but he made it easy for me.’ Theo was sitting beside her, his head resting on her shoulder. The long day had taken its toll on him and his bones were sleepy. Brandon was on her lap; he was also fighting sleep. I searched around and found the person I was looking for, the photographer who had been buzzing around all afternoon going from completely focused to full-blown chaos when the guests weren’t complying. I sensed Ben’s family were…complicated. His father appeared to be wishing he could blend in with the furniture while his mum spent most of the time steering another man away from him. It all looked exhausting.

  I went over to the photographer, coughing into my hand to catch her attention. ‘Excuse me; see that stunning woman over there.’ I pointed across to Gem, who was giggling with her boys, tickling them to stop them falling asleep. Fuck, she was stunning. Breathtaking. It was like seeing her for the first time. Seeing her as the woman I wanted to marry, the mother I wanted her to be to our children. The wedding photographer held up her camera and the click of the shutter pulled me back to the present.

  ‘Your boys are adorable,’ she replied. ‘Cheeky but cute; can get away with anything,’ she said, still taking photos. Gem was laughing and I imagined the images, candid and relaxed, perfect to be displayed on the walls of our new home. ‘Why don’t you join them?’

  ‘Sorry?’ I said, still lost in them.

  ‘Get in the photo with your family,’ she said, pushing me over.

  ‘My family?’ Her words were like a fork of lightning crackling down my spine. I wanted to repress how fucking amazing those words were, evaluate the situation, where we were, who had overheard. Was Jay standing behind the wedding cake holding a blunt instrument to whack over the back of my head or maybe holding a knife to castrate me? But then I thought, why the fuckity fuck should I hold back? I wanted Gem and Gem came as a glorious package. Her boys.

  My family.

  ‘Tell me about your little talk with Jay,’ Gem said as I pulled her up and sat her back in my lap. ‘Did you drop something in his drink? Some truth serum that helped him become less of an…’ She dropped her head to my ear and finished the sentence with a whispered arsehole.

  ‘I’ll tell you later,’ I replied, burying my nose in her hair and drawing my head back to really look at her. ‘He doesn’t matter anymore.’ The small click of the shutter made me smile. I knew that click represented the picture that we would hang on the wall of our first home together. Gem laced her fingers through mine and I wanted to keep her there, locked to me, protected, adored. I had missed her. I needed to explain why I left, the plans I had started to put together. I wanted to come back with something that had solid foundations where I could easily plug the holes, iron out the kinks, and return to her when I could give her what she wanted more than anything.

  I could give her love, had done from the moment we met, but there was more she needed.

  Commitment. Reliability. Devotion.

  I was ready.

  ‘Sorry to break things up,’ Abi said as she put her arm around Gem and leant in. ‘They’re about to do the first dance and Elle wants us to join them so they’re not the only focus.’

  Gem patted Abi’s arm before she returned to a man standing behind her. Gem smiled, holding out her hand. ‘Dance with me?’

  I grabbed a bowl of sweets from the middle of the table—wedding favours apparently—and handed them to Theo and Brandon, leaving them to raid the sugar. We might regret it later, but for now, all that mattered was dancing with my girl.

  Elle and Ben were lost in each other. I wasn’t sure they would notice us joining them but it didn’t matter. When the DJ announced their first dance as Mr and Mrs Newman, they didn’t break apart. Ben kissed Elle’s bare shoulder and I heard Gem blow out a breath. Underneath the shitty experienc
es, she was a romantic at heart.

  The music started playing, the first notes familiar from a song I’d heard hundreds of times before. But it never sounded as good as it did after her. She gasped against me as ‘Thinking Out Loud’ played out. Her hand twirled around the collar at the back of my neck and she leant closer, pressing her cheek to mine. ‘This is one of those weird moments where you wonder if everything really does come down to fate.’

  ‘Fate’s the best,’ I replied, relishing holding her in my arms again. I glanced across at the happy couple and swore I caught Elle softly winking at Gem. I smiled as I realised fate may have had a helping hand.

  ‘Those bastards stole our song,’ I said as Gem laughed against my ear. She draped her hand over my shoulder and we continued moving together. Rhythm wasn’t my thing but I could sway with the best of them.

  ‘I told her months ago that we danced to this on our first date.’

  ‘She’s a great friend,’ I said.

  ‘The best.’

  ‘Fancy recreating the leg guitar?’ She tapped me, but her eyes told me she would have given anything for my hand to slowly run across her thigh.

  ‘Maybe later,’ she replied, her voice laced with more. In the soft light, I could see the trail of goosebumps I had caused to erupt across her perfect skin. I wanted to high five myself, run to the DJ and tap the mic three times to ensure everyone could hear before I shouted: See those goosebumps? Mine. And that lip bite? She does that when I’m deep inside her and our eyes are locked as we come.

  I had never wanted to leave a room faster, and as her hands started to trace lazy circles across my back, I had to say the alphabet backwards to stop the bulge in my trousers from poking the bridal party.

  ‘Is Elle the first to get married?’ I felt her arm stiffen slightly and immediately regretted my question. It worked on my erection, though. That was depleted with her heavy sigh.

  ‘No. That would be me.’

  ‘You can’t count that,’ I said, trying to make the brick of a question sound light and breezy after the thud. ‘That was a…non-wedding.’

  ‘We can’t pretend it didn’t happen,’ she replied.

  ‘Your ex-husband won’t let me forget.’ She laughed lightly but gripped my shoulder a little harder. ‘Besides, if it hadn’t happened, you wouldn’t have the boys. Let’s thank your marriage for that.’ The soft stroke of her fingers in my hair told me that my answer had smoothed over the cracks caused by my question.

  Gem started singing softly against my ear. I held her closer to me, kissed her softly, teasing her mouth, feeling her smile against it until she surprised me, meeting me harder. And there was that erection problem again. ‘Is everything all right down there,’ she asked, her singsong voice giving her away.

  ‘You know exactly what chaos you’re causing down there.’

  ‘I don’t know what you mean.’

  Reciting the alphabet was a surefire way of taming the beast but even that wasn’t going to help me now. As she pushed her thigh against me, I was going to have to go for something more hardcore. There was only one thing for it: humming Meatloaf’s greatest hits.

  ‘Why are you humming ‘‘Anything for Love’’?’

  ‘It’s becoming a favourite,’ I replied before nibbling on her shoulder. The gasp she made wasn’t helping matters.

  ‘You’ve been starved of me for weeks. I’m surprised the DJ isn’t using it as a mic stand.’

  I laughed deeply, glancing up to see Jamie across from us. Gem had introduced me to him and Danny. They seemed really sound guys and I immediately felt at ease with them. These men loved their women. Jamie was stroking Abi’s head as she rested on his shoulder, tucked into him like she didn’t need to be anywhere else. He looked content; she looked serene and it wouldn’t surprise me if we were dancing at their wedding next. Kate and Danny were deep in conversation. He hung on to every word like she was the only woman in the world and talking was a new craze. She giggled as he kissed the tattoo on her forearm, and I didn’t miss his quick kiss on her left breast before they returned to each other, locking their arms tight and strong. Elle and Ben were still lost to the world, his eyes never leaving her. She was also totally focused on him. A fire alarm could sound with sprinklers bursting into action and they would still be found swaying together on the dance floor oblivious to everything going on around them.

  Standing in the middle of that was inspiring, being surrounded by love so fierce you could feel it twirling through the air was a privilege.

  ‘What are you thinking?’

  Your voice could soothe my soul.

  I’d never grow tired of your touch.

  Marry me.

  ‘I’m thinking about all the love in the room. It’s electric and alive. Look.’ She glanced at Abi and Kate, smiling when she saw Elle whispering to Ben, his hand holding the back of her head tenderly. ‘You can feel it from them.’

  ‘That pulse you feel, the electricity, the charge of energy,’ Gem said, her eyes open and dilating with every word. ‘There’s a lot of it in this room and a huge part of it comes from us.’

  I tipped her chin up. Her face reminded me of how she looked at the point of ecstasy, her mouth slightly open, her eyes bright. I hooked my fingers against the curve of her behind, pressing them into her skin. Fuck, I loved that place.

  ‘I’ve bought you a barn.’ She immediately smiled. Not a second was spared until she was holding her lip with her teeth and pressing her palm against her nose. ‘What are you doing?’ I said, smiling as I tugged her hand away. A tear escaped and I brushed it away with my thumb. ‘Your favourite, the one you covered with notes about how you could see a skylight and bi-folding doors and drew little pictures of cats curled up in the sunshine.’

  ‘You bought it?’ she said, a tangle of disbelief and wonder.

  ‘Yeah. It’s ours. I went away because I needed to plan how I could make it happen, how I could make you mine without interference. I was going to pay your mortgage so that you didn’t have to worry about keeping Jay on side, but instead, I secured the house, got a new job starting in September, and I’m going to build you a home, Gem. Theo and Brandon will have their own bedrooms and there’ll be three more that we can fill with more brilliantly amazing kids because right now, I can’t think of anything more than pushing my bare cock inside you and thrusting until I have you pregnant.’

  She laughed against the hand that was back to covering her nose. ‘Can we finish the bloody house first?’

  ‘No, I want you pregnant now.’ I kissed her neck, all while finding the hem of her dress and hiding my fingers underneath. She shivered as my fingers trailed her bare thigh.

  ‘You were going to pay the mortgage?’ she asked, folding into me as I nodded against her hair. ‘You’d do that?’ It killed me that she questioned it. Of course I would. I was planning our life together, building her a home.

  ‘Wrap your arms around me.’ And she did. Wrapping them tighter with every breath. ‘I’d do anything for you. I want you in ways I can’t even begin to describe. There are no fucking words for the want, Gem.’ She sobbed through her body; I felt it against my chest. ‘I want to start a life with you, come home every day to my family in our house. I want to do cartwheels on the lawn when the for sale sign goes up on your house and the ties to all your doubts and anxieties are fucking cut to pieces.’

  ‘Yes,’ she replied, still clinging to me.

  And through the pretty sure I’m falling in love, in fact I already have fog, it dawned on me that Ed Sheeran was no longer singing and the sway we had nailed was very definitely out of sync with the music. ‘Gem, I’m pretty sure we’re slow dancing to “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga. We need to increase the pace of the swaying or add a repetitive fist pump to differentiate our signature moves. Plus Ben’s grandma is throwing some serious shapes and she keeps pointing at us with her walking stick.’

  ‘Lady Gaga is Elle’s favourite,’ she sniffled, still huddled against me and obviously not
giving a flying fuck that we were slow dancing to an anthem.

  ‘Come on, sniffly. No tears,’ Abi said as she gently pulled Gem away from me. ‘Top tip, Josh. Whiskey always gets her movements more fluid.’

  Kate followed, patting me on the shoulder. ‘Weddings make her emotional.’

  ‘Hers certainly did,’ Abi smirked.

  ‘Shush with the wedding talk,’ Elle said, wafting Abi away and giving me an ignore her smile. ‘Josh, as much as I love you, I haven’t danced with my maid of honour yet and Brandon has just climbed onto the cake table. Sort it out for me.’

  ‘Shit,’ I replied, running over to him and restraining him with a headlock before he went forehead first into the floor. ‘Bloody hell, buddy, you can’t bite the wedding cake.’

  ‘Bloody hell, buddy!’ Brandon repeated, belly laughing as I put my hands over his mouth. Perhaps the plan to fill three bedrooms with more kids was a tad ambitious.

  I felt a tug on my jacket. ‘Josh, are you and Mummy getting back together?’ I looked down at Theo and pulled a chair out for us. It was time for a man-to-man chat.

  ‘Shall I tell you a secret?’

  ‘Mummy says we don’t have secrets.’

  Jesus, I’d been away from the classroom for a few weeks and lost all my superpowers.

  ‘Ah, right. What was I thinking? That was silly. Of course we don’t have secrets. Plus this isn’t even a secret at all; everyone knows this.’ Theo laughed as I hit my head with my palm. ‘I love your mummy, Theo. I want to spend the rest of my life looking after her, loving her, making her really happy. How do you feel about that?’

  He thought for a second, tipping his head to the side. ‘She was sad when you left.’

  ‘I know. So was I. But I had lots of plans that I needed to get right before I came back.’ I took the folded piece of paper out of my jacket pocket and gave it to him. He opened it up and scrunched up his face. ‘I know it doesn’t look like much now, but one day that’s going to be your new house. You, Brandon, Mummy and me are going to live there. I want to build a house for you, Theo. Loving your mummy means loving you and Brandon too, and I’m so happy that I get to be part of your lives as well as hers.’