Looking Through Windows

by Caren J. Werlinger

  They talked about ordinary things as they ate. Emily ate six pancakes before pushing her plate back.

  "You were hungry," Ann nodded. "I'm impressed."

  Emily grinned sheepishly. "You haven't seen me at my usual hunger level."

  "You must be expensive to feed," Ann said, one eyebrow raised.

  Emily laughed. It felt good to laugh. Ann thought it was a wonderful sound. When they had finished, Ann said, "I'll shower, and then let's go for a drive."

  "I really should get back to – "

  "Get back to what?" Ann demanded. "There is absolutely nothing that has to be done this weekend."

  Emily acquiesced. While Ann showered, she cleaned up the kitchen. They grabbed two light jackets from Ann's closet, as there was a fall chill to the mornings now. They filled the Toyota with gas, and just drove. Emily didn't even know where they were going. It was so nice to let someone else be in control for a while.

  They stopped in small towns and wandered through antique shops and flea markets. For lunch, they stopped at a roadside café. The sun was shining and the leaves were just beginning to turn. There were lots of other leaf watchers on the roads with them, but it was too early for the peak tourist invasion.

  They continued in a generally northern direction throughout the afternoon. Finally, Emily asked, "Shouldn't we be heading back?"

  "We're not going back tonight," Ann announced. "While you were in the shower, I made a couple of phone calls and got reservations at an inn on Lake Champlain. There's a bag with t-shirts, toothbrushes and a change of clothes in the back." She looked over at Emily. "You look about my size. I think my clothes will fit for a day."

  "Ann, that is so thoughtful of you, but I can't let you do that," Emily argued.

  "It's done," Ann replied matter-of-factly. "Besides, you're not driving." She looked over with a smile that made Emily's heart ache.

  Emily thought for a minute. There really wasn't anything she had to get back to. She'd worked so much the last few weeks she was ahead in all her classes. She settled back in the comfortable leather seat. "All right, you're the boss," she sighed. Then she added, "for the weekend."

  Ann laughed, and started telling more stories of growing up with the ponies and horses she had loved. As darkness began to fall, they got to the southern end of Lake Champlain. She pulled into the parking lot of a charming old house on the lake road.

  They checked in to their room, furnished with two twin beds and antique night stands. The dormer window looked out onto the lake, which still reflected the last glow of sunset from the western sky. They stood together at the window, watching the last light fade from the sky.

  "Ann," Emily said humbly, "I don't know how to thank you for all you've done."

  Ann slid an arm around her. "I'm just glad you let me help." She gave Emily a quick squeeze. "Come on, I'm hungry!"

  They went downstairs to the dining room. They both had steaks, baked potatoes and a large salad. After dinner they put on their jackets and went for a walk. An almost full moon had risen, lighting their way. They crossed the road to the rocky shore of the lake.

  "Can you skip rocks?" Emily asked. She picked up a nice, flat stone and sent it skipping over the water…six, seven, eight skips.

  Ann picked up a stone, but only got two skips. Emily showed her how to curl her index finger around the edge to get the right spin on the stone as it was released. Ann got five skips on the next one. They skipped a few more then kept walking. One rocky point jutted out into the water a little. They clambered out and stood listening to the soft lap of the water against the rocks.

  "This is beautiful," Emily breathed. "Caroline would have loved to paint this." She looked at Ann in the moonlight. "This is the first time I've spoken about her since she died. I'm not sure why I can talk about her to you."

  "Maybe it's just that you're finally healing a little," Ann suggested. "Four years is a long time to mourn someone, Emily, but I don't think you've even allowed yourself to mourn. Did you get to attend her funeral?"

  Emily shook her head. "I couldn't risk another confrontation with her family. I didn't want her funeral to be marred by something like that."

  "Her parents must have known how important your relationship was to her."

  "No!" Emily exclaimed. "She would never tell them, but they guessed. I think they resented me from the beginning. She said they would never understand, and she didn't want to hurt them."

  "Even at the risk of hurting you?" Ann was incredulous that people could hide something so important from the very people who should know them best. "Did the two of you not set up power of attorney to protect each other in case something happened?"

  "I know she never thought they would act like they did," Emily said, shaking her head.

  "Does your family know?" Ann was curious.

  Emily paused before answering. "Caroline made me promise not to tell them. She was afraid they would react angrily and call her parents." Emily looked out at the lake. "My family is very reserved. My parents didn't ask prying questions, probably because they didn't want to know, but they also never turned it into a choice between Caroline or them. I'm sure they know on some level." She shivered in her light jacket.

  "Let's go back," Ann suggested. They walked back to the road and followed it to the inn.

  When they got to their room, there were two glasses of chilled chablis waiting.

  "I'm not sure you even like wine," Ann explained, "but I thought it might help relax us before bed."

  "I do like wine," Emily smiled, and shook her head. "I can't believe all that you've done. You have been so kind."

  Ann came over and gave Emily a hug. Emily hugged her back, holding her tightly. She was astonished at Ann's openness. She wasn't afraid that Emily would misinterpret her touch. It was so rare to find someone this guileless. She released Ann reluctantly. It felt so good to be touched, just physical contact with someone who cared about her and didn't want or expect anything. She hadn't been held or touched by anyone for four years.

  They sat side by side on one of the beds, pillows propped against the headboard. Sipping their wine, they talked about growing up, school, and friends. At length, their glasses were empty, and they were ready for sleep. They changed and washed up then finally crawled under the covers. Once again, Ann was awakened by a soft sound. She saw Emily standing at the window with moonlight outlining her soft curls. She could hear Emily weeping, not the heartwrenching sobs of yesterday, but a cleansing flow of tears. Ann lay there awhile, letting her cry, and then got up and went to her. She put her arms around her and held her. Emily buried her face in Ann's neck and wept.

  When the tears finally stopped, Emily went into the bathroom to blow her nose. When she emerged, she said sheepishly, "You must think all I do is cry."

  Ann stated more than asked, "You haven't cried since Caroline died, have you?" Emily looked out the window and didn't answer. "Your emotions can only stay dammed up for so long, Emily, and then they've got to spill over."

  "Well the dam has definitely sprung a leak," Emily replied with a sad smile.

  "Do you think you can sleep now?" Ann asked.

  Emily smiled. "I think so." She climbed back into her bed. "Good night."

  Sunday morning they slept late. After showering and packing their small bag, they went down to enjoy a wonderful breakfast of waffles, bacon, home fries and homemade biscuits. With full stomachs, they got back in the Toyota and began the drive south to Weston.

  At one point, during a lull in the conversation, Ann tentatively asked, "Emily, back in Virginia, didn't you have any friends, any support to help you get through everything that happened?"

  Emily shook her head no. "Caroline didn't want anyone to know about us. She insisted all we needed was each other."

  "Please don't take this the wrong way – I don't mean to belittle Caroline, but it seems as if she dictated an awful lot about your relationship. Were you okay with all the secrecy? All the hiding?"

  "It's
not like I had a choice," Emily said a little defensively.

  "I'm sorry," Ann said quickly.

  "No, I'm sorry, Ann," Emily reached a hand out apologetically, "I just… I guess I did have a choice, but I wasn't prepared to take the chance that she would leave."

  After that, there were long lapses with each lost in her own thoughts.

  When they got back to town, Ann took Emily to where her car was waiting. "Ann," Emily began, "there aren't words enough to thank you." She looked into Ann's eyes, so clear and blue she felt she was falling into them. "I don't know what I would have done without you."

  Ann thought about the pills, and she turned to face Emily. Taking a deep breath, she said, "Emily, I have to know that you're not going to do anything to hurt yourself."

  Emily burned a deep red, and, looking down at her hands, she murmured, "That night… I can't deny I thought about it, but I could never have done that to you."

  "That only tells me you wouldn't have done it in my apartment. I need to know you won't do it at all."

  Emily met Ann's eyes. "I promise you, that won't happen. I can't tell you how ashamed I am…"

  "You don't have to be ashamed of hurting, Emily. Just don't bottle it up until it threatens to kill you." She reached out and laid a hand on Emily's knee. "Promise me you'll talk to someone – me or a counselor or whoever."

  "I promise." Emily smiled. Reaching for the door handle, she said, "See you later."

  As she drove to the Gundlach house, Emily saw Ann's note flapping on the windshield. She removed it when she parked and tucked it into her pocket.

  "Emily!" said Mrs. Gundlach as she came in. "Did you have a nice weekend, my dear?" Her voice was cheerful and casual, but her eyes were anxious, searching.

  "It was a good weekend," Emily tried to convey to Mrs. Gundlach that she was okay. It had been a good weekend, good for her soul despite the pain that had surfaced.

  She had a quiet dinner with the Gundlachs, telling them about the towns and shops they had visited. She said goodnight early, and went up to bed. She felt fairly sure the disturbing dreams of the past four years would be less frequent now.

  Chapter 12

  When Emily got to the office Monday morning, she apologized to the other grad students. She knew that Ann had gone to them, and that they must have been worried. She told them that she had unexpectedly become ill, which she figured was close to the truth. She also apologized to her French class that afternoon. They seemed fine with her explanation and were more interested in Wednesday's exam.

  Ann noticed during their brief meetings at the change of classes that Emily's eyes looked brighter, though her face was still thin. She seemed to be having fun teaching, something that had been missing for the last few weeks. Emily settled into a more normal study schedule. She and Ann met at the library a few times and studied together.

  Friday afternoon when she got back to the Gundlach house, Mrs. Gundlach told her that Ann had dropped by with a package, which she had left up in Emily's room. When Emily got upstairs, she scanned the room but didn't see anything. Not until she stepped into the room and looked back at her bed did she see it. Caroline's painting was propped against the headboard.

  Emily's breath caught in her throat, and she couldn't move for a moment. Slowly, she went to the bed, and took the framed canvas in her hands. She could see Caroline at her easel that day on Skyline Drive. She could see the brush strokes, which were uniquely hers. Her hands were trembling as her finger traced the small CBLAKE in the lower right corner of the canvas.

  She sat there for a long time, and finally propped the painting on her desk. She went down to tell Mrs. Gundlach she'd be out for a while, and then drove to Ann's apartment. When Ann opened the door, Emily stepped in and hugged her. Surprised at the spontaneity of Emily's gesture, Ann wrapped her arms around Emily and held her tightly. Emily whispered, "You leave me speechless."

  "You don't have to say anything," Ann said softly. "I just wanted you to have it." She let Emily go and invited her in.

  As Emily came into the living room, she saw an open suitcase on the bed in the room beyond. "I'm sorry. You were packing to go somewhere," she apologized.

  "Don't be silly," Ann said. "I was talking to my parents last night and decided to go home this weekend."

  "Good for you," Emily said, although it suddenly felt a little empty knowing that Ann wouldn't be in town.

  "Why don't you come with me?" Ann's eyes lit up.

  Emily thought about her workload. There was nothing very pressing. "How would your parents feel about someone they don't know coming into their home for the weekend?"

  "They love company," Ann assured her, "and I really want you to meet them. Say you'll go."

  Emily smiled at Ann's earnest expression. "I'll run home and pack. I don't think I should wear your clothes this time."

  Ann laughed and said she'd be by in half an hour to pick Emily up.

  Emily packed quickly, tossing one nice outfit into her suitcase in the event they went out. Ann arrived promptly, and they set off. The trees were at their peak, and as the evening waned, the angled rays of the sun set the trees on fire.

  They stopped for a quick dinner at a small restaurant, and then continued their trip. Just like last weekend, the conversation drifted among a variety of topics as if they had known one another for years. Within two hours, they were pulling into a long, tree-lined drive. On either side were white board fences, but Emily couldn't see beyond them in the darkness. The drive led up to a beautiful stone and white clapboard house, which was lit in welcome. There was a deep front porch that wrapped around the house, with its shallow roof extending out from under the second story windows. Off to one side was a large detached garage, also two stories, with four bays for cars.

  Ann parked in one of the bays, and they pulled out their suitcases. There was a sharp chill in the air, and their breath was frosty in the diffused light from the house.

  Ann burst through the door. "We're here!" she announced. Her parents came from different parts of the house.

  Her mother hurried over and gave her daughter a big hug. "Welcome home, honey." She held her at arm's length, and looked her up and down. "Campus life must agree with you."

  "Hello, Annie," her father said warmly as he came in from another room. "You look wonderful." He gave Ann a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

  "Hi, Dad," Ann said, kissing him back. "I want you both to meet a dear friend of mine, Emily Warner."

  "Hello, Emily," Katharine said, taking Emily's hand in both of hers.

  "It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Hight."

  "Please, call me Katharine," she insisted. "This is Ann's father, Owen." Emily could see how strongly Ann resembled her father as she shook his hand.

  "We're glad to have you, Emily," Owen said, holding her hand a moment longer. "Did you two get any dinner?"

  "We stopped on the road, but I'm hungry again," Ann said. "I don't suppose there's any pie in the kitchen?" she teased her mother.

  "Oh, I might be able to scrounge some up," her mother laughed.

  They all went to the kitchen, a large comfortable room with an enamel woodstove giving it a cozy warmth. Owen made coffee while Katharine cut big pieces of the thickest apple pie Emily had ever seen. When they sat down at the table, Emily's first bite melted in her mouth.

  "This is the best apple pie I've ever tasted!" she exclaimed.

  "Well thank you, Emily," Katharine said, smiling proudly. "I'm surprised my family don't all weigh a ton as much food as they go through."

  "Can't help it," Ann said with her mouth full. "Your cooking is wonderful!"

  "Hush," her mother scolded. "And don't talk with your mouth full."

  Emily laughed, and Ann grinned back at her. They all polished off their pie, and sat drinking coffee and chatting. Ann told her parents all about her classes.

  "And what do you do, Emily?" Katharine asked.

  "I'm working on my doctorate and teaching German and French," Emily replied.
"Teaching takes care of my tuition and gives me a small stipend."

  "Hey, look!" Ann exclaimed, jumping up from the table. "It's snowing!" They all peered out the kitchen window. In the light spilling onto the back patio, thick flakes of snow were falling. It was already starting to stick to the grass.

  "Want to go for a walk?" Ann asked.

  "You two go ahead," Owen said. "Your mother and I will pass for now."

  Ann and Emily went to get their jackets. They hadn't brought hats or gloves, so Ann rummaged around in an old wooden chest in the front hall, and found some they could wear.