Looking Through Windows

by Caren J. Werlinger

  "Did you get anything to eat?" Ann asked.

  Emily's eyes widened. "I hadn't thought about it," she said. "Imagine me too preoccupied to think about food." Ann smiled.

  "I want you to go get some food," Ann insisted. "And it must be late. You've got to teach tomorrow, so go home. All I'm going to do is sleep," she finished with a yawn.

  "All right," Emily agreed, "I'll go." She pulled the table out so Ann could reach the water. When she turned to ask her if there was anything else she needed, she saw that Ann's eyes had closed. She leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. "Sleep tight," she whispered.

  Chapter 15

  Emily left the house early so she could stop by the hospital before going to campus. She found Ann sitting up, eating breakfast. "Don't get used to this kind of treatment," she said with a wry smile.

  "You mean you wouldn't bring me breakfast in bed?" Ann grinned.

  "Maybe," Emily shrugged, "if you'll settle for cold cereal. How'd you sleep?"

  "Like a log. I don't remember the nurses coming in. I vaguely remember you coming back last night."

  "Gosh, if I'd known your memory would be this fuzzy, I'd have taken advantage of the situation somehow," Emily teased.

  "You don't have it in you to take advantage of anyone," Ann stated matter-of-factly.

  Emily decided to change the subject. "Do you remember my telling you that I spoke with your parents and that they'll call you today?"

  Ann laughed. "No. Did we have that much conversation?"

  Dr. Waterson came in with a nurse. "Well, how are you feeling?" she asked as she pulled the sheet off Ann's foot and checked the dressing.

  "I feel fine," Ann replied.

  "Good, we'll get a physical therapist up here to teach you how to use crutches. You can be discharged this afternoon if there are no problems." Dr. Waterson spoke as she wrote in the chart. "I'll have an office appointment set up in one week."

  After they left, Emily told Ann about the Gundlachs' offer. As she anticipated, Ann tried to argue. She interrupted by saying, "You seem to forget that you can't drive, so I'm in control." She sat down, and her tone became serious. "Look, it really is sensible. It's going to be at least a couple days before you can go back to classes. There's no reason for you to be alone in your apartment all day. Please say you'll agree to this."

  Ann looked at Emily's earnest expression. She realized that what she was proposing made sense. "All right," she smiled. "Please tell Mr. and Mrs. Gundlach how grateful I am."

  They made plans for Emily to return after her afternoon class to pick Ann up. She tried to concentrate on her work, but found her thoughts wandering to Ann; was she up yet? how was she feeling? When her French class was over, she packed her books, and drove back to the hospital. She drove her Honda, thinking the lower vehicle would be easier for Ann to get in and out of.

  When she got up to the room, she found Ann already dressed in her sweats, foot bandaged, crutches in her hand as she sat on the edge of the bed. Emily laughed. "Are we a little anxious to get out of here?"

  "You have no idea," Ann said. "I've been poked and prodded; I've had things drawn out of me, injected into me. They've been measuring everything," she said meaningfully, glancing at the bedside commode. Emily broke into fresh laughter.

  The nurse came in, and said, "You got your getaway car all lined up?" She had Ann get into a wheelchair. Emily gathered up Ann's belongings. While Ann filled out her final paperwork, Emily brought the car up to the door. Ann got up from the wheelchair, and hopped on her crutches to the car.

  They stopped by Ann's apartment first so she could pick up more clothes. She also got her textbooks and notes. As they drove to the Gundlach house, Emily said, "You do realize it will be Mrs. Gundlach's mission to fatten you up while you recuperate."

  "Why do you think I packed so many pairs of elastic-waist sweat pants?" Ann smiled. "I might as well take advantage of her wonderful cooking."

  As soon as they pulled up, Mr. and Mrs. Gundlach came out to meet them. "How are you feeling, Miss Ann?" Mr. Gundlach asked solicitously as he gathered Ann's suitcase and book bag.

  "Actually, it feels great," Ann said. "My ankle hasn't hurt at all."

  She hopped up the walk, obeying orders not to put any weight on the ankle. In the house, she was settled onto the sofa in the living room, Greta lying down at her feet. The others had no sooner left the room than she was up, hopping into the kitchen. Greta barked as if tattling on her.

  "Mrs. Gundlach, I'll go nuts if I have to sit around anymore," she pleaded. "Please give me something to do."

  When Emily and Mr. Gundlach came back downstairs, they found Ann seated at the kitchen table with her foot propped up, happily humming as she peeled potatoes. Emily went out to help Mr. Gundlach feed the animals. The cattle and horses were brought into the newly painted barn each evening now that it was really cold at night.

  When they came back in, the kitchen held the wonderful aroma of roasting chicken and boiling potatoes. While Mrs. Gundlach finished dinner, Mr. Gundlach built a fire in the kitchen fireplace. Emily set the kitchen table, and helped Mrs. Gundlach place the large dishes of chicken, mashed potatoes and carrots on the table. There was a loaf of bread baked that morning. They all ate and talked and laughed. Ann and Emily told of their sledding adventure with Ann's parents over the weekend.

  Ann loved seeing Emily laugh freely. Her cheeks were filling out, and there was a fire in her eyes again, which Ann found captivating. She watched Emily's gestures as she talked with her hands. She felt as if she were witnessing the emergence of a new life from a cocoon.

  After dinner, everyone but Ann pitched in with the dishes, and then Mr. and Mrs. Gundlach went into the living room to watch television while Ann and Emily stayed in the kitchen. Night had fallen, and there was still a light layer of snow on the ground. Emily put another log on the fire and turned off the kitchen lights.

  They sat in silence, looking out the window with the fire crackling and popping merrily as it warmed their backs.

  "I feel like a wish is coming true," Ann said softly.

  "I remember," Emily smiled. "All we need are deer."

  "Emily?" Ann looked down at her hands, "would you mind if I ask you some personal questions?"

  Emily stiffened a bit. She wasn't sure where this was coming from. "No, but I reserve the right not to answer," she replied jokingly.

  Ann smiled and looked at Emily. Emily swallowed hard. It was difficult to breathe with Ann's blue eyes focused so intently on her.

  "If you've never been with a man, how can you know you wouldn't be happy with one?"

  Emily considered for a moment. "When I was in high school, I read a book titled 'Rubyfruit Jungle,' by Rita Mae Brown. In the book, a gay woman was trying to explain to a straight woman the difference between making love with a man and with a woman. She said it was like the difference between a pair of roller skates and a Ferrari."

  Ann laughed and Emily smiled. "I hadn't had a sexual relationship yet at that point in my life, but I figured I didn't have to try roller skates when I knew it was a Ferrari I wanted." This brought fresh laughter from Ann. Emily's tone got more serious. "I'm not saying it's impossible for me to fall in love with a man, I've just never met one whom I felt completely comfortable opening up to. And I can't imagine being in a relationship where I'm not understood on a deep, nonverbal, emotional level."

  She watched Ann looking out the window, thinking about what she had said. The pale light reflecting off the snow highlighted Ann's perfect profile. Emily felt a strong urge to reach out and touch Ann's hair, an urge she promptly squelched.

  "I think I can understand what you're saying," Ann said thoughtfully. "But I think there are some people who would feel stifled if they were around someone who knew them that well."

  "Which kind are you?" Emily clamped her mouth shut, but it was too late. She couldn't believe that question had come out of her mouth.

  Ann looked at her again with that intense gaze tha
t Emily found she couldn't meet. She diverted her eyes to the scene outside. Her heartbeat felt as if it were as loud as a drum.

  "I used to be able to answer that question," Ann said. "I never really wanted to open myself completely to the men I dated. It seemed more comfortable to hold something back. I figured that would change when the right man came along."

  "And now?" Emily whispered, tracing the wood grain pattern of the table top with her fingers.

  "Now I'm not sure about anything. I have felt closer to you than I ever have to anyone."

  "A lot of our time together has been pretty emotional, with my situation." Emily offered a way out.

  "Yes, but," Ann didn't take it, "it's much more than that." Ann took a deep breath. "Emily, I've never had a gay friend. I've never been attracted to a woman. But I find myself drawn to you." She lifted a hand as if to ward off a comment, but Emily was silent. "I know that you're still in love with Caroline and dealing with her death, and I'm not trying to flatter myself that just because you're gay you would automatically be attracted to me. I can't even tell you exactly what I am feeling. I don't know if it's…" she paused, and closed her eyes. "I would never want to hurt you," she murmured.

  There was a moment of silence, then, "Ann, I don't think I've ever known anyone as honest as you are," Emily said in amazement. "I don't think you're capable of deceit, and that's what usually leads to hurtful situations."

  She placed her hand on Ann's shoulder. "Look at me," she said softly. Ann's eyes were moist as she opened them and looked at Emily. 'She looks like a wounded animal,' Emily thought. "You're not flattering yourself that I might find you attractive." It was Emily's turn now to be absolutely honest. She knew how hard that must have been for Ann to say. "I think you are the most beautiful person I have ever known – inside and out. But you're right, I am still dealing with my emotions about Caroline, and you aren't sure what you're feeling. Just be my friend, and let me be yours."

  Ann smiled, and they embraced. She was acutely aware of Emily's scent, a clean combination of soap and hair rinse. As they reluctantly drew apart, Ann and Emily smiled self-consciously at one another and sat in silence for a while.

  Ann suddenly seemed very tired, and Emily insisted that they go up to bed. They said goodnight to the Gundlachs, and Ann hopped up the stairs. At the door to the spare room where Ann's suitcase had been deposited, she paused. "I know this sounds silly, but would you mind if I shared your room?"

  Emily smiled. "Not at all. It'll be like a sleep-over." While Ann was in the bathroom, Emily brought the suitcase from across the hall, turned down the sheets on her bed and changed. By the time she washed up and returned from the bathroom, Ann had changed and crawled into bed.

  "Are the covers too heavy on your foot?" she asked.

  "No, I'm fine," Ann said sleepily.

  Emily climbed into bed carefully, trying not to hurt or disturb Ann. She listened to Ann's breathing, already deep and slow. She lay there for a long time, thinking about their conversation. She knew Ann was being honest with her, but she also knew that Ann hadn't the slightest concept of anything other than socially acceptable heterosexual relationships. Emily truly valued Ann's friendship, but felt sure that whatever Ann thought she was feeling would pass. Her own feelings she wasn't so sure about. It was ironic that even as she had finally been able to think and speak of Caroline, she had also been able to start letting her go. As she drifted off to sleep, it was with a firm resolve that she would not do or say anything to confuse Ann further.

  Chapter 16

  Ann discovered quickly that hopping about on crutches was much more tiring than she had expected. She called all her professors, explaining what had happened and asking about upcoming assignments. Emily herself repeated Lise's conversation lessons from class with Ann. She tried to maintain a certain level of professionalism at those times, but she knew Ann would never use their friendship to manipulate the student/instructor relationship.

  On Tuesday, Emily came home after her last class and found Ann studying at the kitchen table. "How about some fresh air?" she suggested.

  "Oh, that sounds great," Ann hopped out into the cold fall air and breathed deeply. Only a few patches of snow remained. They got into the Toyota. "Where are we going?" she asked as Emily drove.

  "You'll see," Emily smiled. Presently, they pulled up to the farm where Meg was kept. "I thought you might like to visit," Emily said.

  "Emily, thank you," Ann said as she slid out of the Toyota's high seat. "Meg!" she called as she hopped to the fence surrounding the pasture. Meg lifted her beautiful red head and snorted. Eagerly, she came trotting over and nuzzled Ann's shoulder and hands. Ann rubbed her forehead and ran her hands over Meg's neck.

  "It seems like ages since I've been on you," she said softly. Emily stood back, watching and listening. Ann spoke continuously, not worried about making sense. Meg's ears twitched back and forth as she listened.

  "Emily," Ann turned to her, "come on over and say hello." Emily approached, and Meg turned her large gentle eyes towards her.

  "Hello, Meg," Emily said, holding out her hand for Meg to sniff before she tried to touch her. "She's beautiful."

  "I think so," Ann said. "Sometimes I think she reads my mind. We're a good pair together, aren't we, girl?" Ann gave Meg a kiss on her muzzle, and said, "We'll go for a ride soon." Ann and Emily returned to the Toyota.

  "It was so good to see her," Ann said happily. "I really miss being up on her back." She looked over at Emily as they settled into their seats. "Do you ride?"

  "I rode trail rides periodically growing up, but I've never ridden regularly or jumped," she replied. "I really enjoyed watching you and Meg jumping that morning after you had been hit by the guy in the park."

  "I almost forgot about that," Ann laughed. "We did have a few accidental meetings before classes started, didn't we?"

  "Yes. I didn't think I was ever going to learn your name."

  "That was at the restaurant, right?"

  "Yes, you were there on your date, wearing that dress." Emily winced as that slipped out.

  Ann's eyebrows arched. "That dress?"

  Emily burned a deep red. "Well, I couldn't help noticing." She shook her head. "You looked really good in that dress. I was lucky I remembered my name."

  Ann laughed and it sounded like music to Emily. She noticed that Ann's cheeks became a little red, too, despite her attempt to laugh off the compliment.

  Ann got back to the original topic. "I'd love to teach you to ride," she looked over, "if you'd like to learn."

  Emily smiled. "I would." They were back at the house by then. Dinner was almost ready. Both Ann and Emily found these evenings with Mr. and Mrs. Gundlach to be very comfortable. After dinner the younger women cleaned up, Ann sitting on a stool drying dishes, and then began studying.

  "By the way," Emily said that evening, "Lise asked me to tell you that she gave an assignment in class today. Each of you has to give an oral presentation, in French, on some cultural topic. It can be literature, music, theatre, whatever."

  "Okay." Ann said, making notes on the assignment before opening her books to study.

  The next few days passed similarly. Emily's days were full with the classes she was taking and all the reading associated with them. In addition, she had frequent homework assignments and quizzes to grade, and exams to prepare.

  Thursday evening, Mrs. Gundlach called Ann to the telephone. From the overheard bits of conversation, Emily could tell she was speaking with her parents. She could feel her mood sink as she listened.

  "Mom and Dad are back from California," Ann announced when she hopped back into the kitchen. "They're going to drive up tomorrow morning and they'll take me to my doctor appointment."

  Emily tried to return to her studying, but without much success. Her melancholy deepened as she thought about how empty the house would feel when Ann went back to her apartment.

  That night Emily lay awake. She and Ann had talked as they went to bed, makin
g tentative plans to have dinner with Ann's parents tomorrow evening. Ann had turned on her side, facing Emily, and was breathing deeply. Emily watched her for a long time. Ann's face had become so familiar, but she was still stunned by its beauty. She reached her hand out and, very lightly, touched Ann's hair. She didn't stir. She kissed Ann on the forehead, letting her lips linger on her soft skin.

  "I love you," she whispered, and then sharply drew her breath in. Where had that come from? She hadn't put her feelings into concrete form, but as she said the words, she knew them to be true. She quietly got out of bed and went to the window. The cast iron radiator was warm. She sat down on it and looked out into the night. She hadn't fallen in love with Ann. She had grown to this point. But there was no use letting Ann know how she felt. Ann was straight, whatever games of "what if" her mind might be playing with her.