Looking Through Windows

by Caren J. Werlinger

  Back in bed, Ann's eyes opened as she felt Emily get up. She didn't move. She heard Emily's words over and over. "I love you." Simple words, but she knew better than anyone what it meant for Emily to be able to say them to someone other than Caroline.

  After a long time, Emily came back to bed and lay with her back to Ann. Eventually, they both fell asleep.

  Chapter 17

  Emily left early the next morning while Ann was still upstairs. Ann had sensed Emily's distance the previous evening, and knew it would be hard for Emily to see her go. She watched from the bedroom window as Emily pulled away. She went down for breakfast with the Gundlachs. Her parents arrived by nine. She introduced them to Mr. and Mrs. Gundlach, and while her father carried her things down from upstairs, she thanked them for all they had done.

  "My dear, the house will be emptier without you," Mrs. Gundlach declared as she gave Ann a big hug.

  Mr. Gundlach said, "Please come back to see us soon."

  "I will," she promised.

  Katharine and Owen drove her to her doctor's office for her ten o'clock appointment. Dr. Waterson took x-rays after removing the bandage from her ankle.

  "Well, everything appears to be healing well. I'm going to give you a brace to wear, and I want you to start putting weight on your foot, still using the crutches." She scribbled on a pad. "Here's your referral for physical therapy. I'll have you come back in a month."

  Ann was glad to be able to take weight on her foot, but she was surprised at how stiff her ankle felt. She showed her parents around Weston's campus. They walked into Whitmore Hall and heard Emily's voice coming from a classroom down the main hall.

  "No, Julie, think about what you're reading. This is a conversation between two people who accidentally meet after who knows how long. Maybe they're old lovers. Maybe they're old enemies."

  They walked up to where they could see Emily pacing at the front of the classroom.

  "It's not a monotone, 'Was machst du denn hier?'" She wheeled suddenly and held out her arms in surprise. "Was machst DU denn hier? What are YOU doing here? or Was machst du denn HIER? What are you doing HERE? or Was MACHST du denn hier? What are you DOING here?" The class was laughing at Emily's theatrical emphasis.

  As the Hights backed away, Ann and Katharine clamped their hands over their mouths to hold their laughter in. Ann led them out of Whitmore and showed them around the rest of the campus, and when the hour was over, called Emily at her office. They arranged to meet at a little restaurant in town.

  The Hights arrived first and got a table. When Emily arrived, Owen asked with a straight face, "Was machst DU denn hier?" At Emily's shocked expression, they all started laughing again. Through her laughter, Ann explained what they had overheard. Emily grinned sheepishly.

  After they had ordered, Owen and Katharine told them all about their trip to California. It made Emily long for warmth and sunshine.

  "Oh, Ann," Katharine said as they ate, "I almost forgot, there was a call from Paul Bayliss. He's back in the States and would like to see you. I gave him your number up here. I hope that was all right?"

  "Yes, of course," Ann said, but she seemed flustered. She said to Emily, "Paul was in Africa when I was there." Emily remembered, the man Ann had dated while she was there. She felt a cold sensation in the pit of her stomach. It was suddenly hard to eat. She tried to pay attention to the conversation, but all she could think about was that Ann had said that Paul was the man she had considered marrying. She was grateful when she had to excuse herself for her one o'clock class. Ann said she'd call about dinner.

  Emily forced herself to concentrate on her students. When class was over, she spent a few hours in the office upstairs getting some work done. Sato and Sofia were there also and began to make plans with Lise, Heinrich and Enrique for a dinner together that evening. Emily considered. Ann probably should have some time alone with her parents, and Emily really didn't know how well she had hidden her dismay at lunch when Paul's name was brought up. She agreed to go out with the others that evening.

  As she went home to change, she carried on an internal dialogue, telling herself that there was no reason Ann should not want to see Paul. Seeing him again might clear up whatever confusion Ann was feeling. Emily knew she could deal with her own feelings; she'd done it before. That was preferable to mooning over a woman who didn't feel the same. Whatever happened, she was grateful to Ann for all that she had done. Emily stopped in front of Caroline's painting and touched it. Ann had given her the ability to think and speak of Caroline with joy. She admitted to herself that no matter how much it might hurt to love someone who didn't love her in return, she hadn't thought she could ever love again. She went around to the side of the bed Ann had been sleeping on. The pillow still held the scent of Ann's hair and perfume. She held it to her and inhaled deeply. Her heart felt as if it were being squeezed.

  The phone rang, and Mrs. Gundlach called up to Emily. She ran downstairs and picked up the handset.

  "Emily?" Ann's voice came through.

  "Hi there." Emily thought she succeeded in sounding cheerful.

  "Can you join us for dinner? We're going to the Tavern," Ann asked hopefully.

  "I'm sorry," Emily fibbed, "I had forgotten that I already had plans to go out with Sato and the others tonight." Before Ann could say anything, she added, "You have a good time. I'll talk to you soon."

  "Emily – " Ann said uncertainly.

  Emily didn't give her a chance to say more. "Gotta go. Bye."

  "Bye."

  Emily knew that Ann knew her too well to be convinced by her excuses, but she needed to do this. She was also glad to know where they were going so she could be sure to avoid running into them. Emily met the others at the restaurant. By now, they had all become much more comfortable with each other. None of them was shy any longer about speaking in each other's languages, offering gentle corrections when needed. They had a good time, but the waitress was thoroughly confused with Sato speaking French, Emily speaking Spanish, French and German, Heinrich and the others speaking interchangeable combinations of Spanish, English and French. The other patrons smiled in amusement at the overheard bits of conversation.

  Following dinner, they decided to go to a nearby bar with live music. Emily opted to go along. As they were walking to the bar, Emily heard her name. She turned and saw Ann with her crutches. She hadn't realized they were walking past the Tavern where Ann and her parents were just leaving. A tall man with very short blond hair joined them. He had stubble of two or three days' growth of beard.

  "I'd like you to meet Paul Bayliss," Ann said, watching Emily carefully. "Paul, this is a good friend of mine, Emily Warner."

  Emily groaned internally and extended her hand. Paul smiled a broad smile, and Emily could see why Ann had liked him.

  "Emily," Lise called out, "nous voyons."

  "Oui, je suis," she replied, waving them on.

  "Paul just got back from Africa," Ann explained.

  "Welcome home, Paul," Emily forced herself to be friendly.

  "Emily," Owen said, stepping forward, "can you join us for a drink?" He placed a hand on her shoulder. The expression in his eyes was not one Emily could discern; was it quizzical or concerned?

  "Thank you, but my colleagues are waiting for me," she said. "Have a good time. Paul, it was nice meeting you. Ann, I'll see you later." Emily's eyes met Ann's, and for an unguarded instant, everything she was feeling was in her eyes. Emily immediately got her emotions back under control.

  She turned and walked quickly toward the bar where the others had gotten a table and ordered drinks. She ordered a glass of Bass Ale and tried to forget Ann and Paul. Three Basses later, she was dancing with Enrique. The band was great, playing an eclectic mixture of faster songs, slow ballads and reggae. They finally left at one in the morning. As the group split to go to their cars, Emily realized she was in no condition to drive and decided to walk. The air, frosty and clear, felt good after the smoky warmth of the bar.

&n
bsp; She listened to the quiet as she walked down streets lined with trees whose branches rattled in the light wind. The moon seemed very bright in the night sky, illuminating the clouds. When she got to the Gundlach house, she sat on the front porch steps. 'Why did I allow this to happen?' she asked herself. But when she pictured Ann's face, and the look in her eyes in the kitchen the other night, she knew she couldn't have helped loving her.

  She finally went in, undressed and crawled into bed, hugging Ann's pillow closely.

  Chapter 18

  Saturday morning, Emily forced herself out of bed at nine. She washed her face and brushed her teeth, then got dressed for a run. As she exited into the chill air, she realized a run wasn't likely the way her head felt. A brisk walk would have to do.

  She couldn't know that at that moment, she was the subject of a conversation between Katharine and Owen as they drove home. When they had left Emily the evening before, they had opted to forego the drinks and return to Ann's apartment. After a little more conversation, Ann had insisted that her parents sleep in her room. She would wrap up in a blanket on the other bed for which she had never brought sheets, and Paul could have the sofa. Now, after a quick breakfast, Owen and Katharine were on the road, having left Paul to continue his visit with Ann.

  "How did you read the situation yesterday?" Owen asked.

  "Emily's demeanor changed as soon as Paul's name was mentioned," Katharine said. "I felt horrible. I could have waited to tell Ann about Paul's call."

  Owen reached for her hand. "Maybe it's just as well. Paul wasted no time in getting up here. I have a feeling he's serious about Ann. I don't think Ann would deliberately play games with Emily's feelings, but this visit just may clarify things for her."

  "I hope you're right." Katharine shook her head. "Poor Emily looked as if she were being tortured meeting Paul last night."

  Owen chuckled. "You have to admit, it's interesting watching Ann fumble about between the two of them. How many times can she tell Emily that Paul has just returned from Africa?"

  Katharine slapped his arm. "You're awful." She squeezed his hand. "I wouldn't go back to those days for anything."

  "I know what you mean, Kath," Owen said affectionately, pulling her closer to him.

  Emily meanwhile wandered in various directions and found herself at the park in town. It was deserted at this time on a cold Saturday morning. She climbed to the church belltower and looked out. She hadn't been there since… she remembered only bits and pieces of that day. It seemed so long ago. She ached to feel Ann near. She considered calling or stopping by. She knew she should leave Ann alone, but she soon found herself walking toward her apartment.

  As she approached the mansion's parking lot, and was still obscured by parked cars on the street, she saw Ann and Paul leaving the building. He helped her up into the Toyota, and they drove off. Emily felt numb inside. She turned blindly and began running, ignoring the pounding in her head. At some point, she remembered she had left her car in town. She ran to where she had parked it. When she climbed in, her deep, fast breathing fogged up the windshield. As she waited for the defroster to clear the glass, tears began falling despite her efforts to stop them. At this moment she wasn't grateful to be able to love again. All she was aware of was the hurt. By the time the windshield was defrosted, a cold half icy drizzle had begun to fall. 'Even the sky is crying,' she thought with small comfort as she drove home.

  Chapter 19

  By Sunday, Ann was feeling very antsy. She didn't want to be rude, and it was good to see Paul again, but she needed to study. Tomorrow she would be returning to classes, and she wanted to be prepared. To her dismay, the icy drizzle which had begun yesterday had turned into a severe ice storm, and driving was not possible, so she couldn't even escape to the library.

  Finally, she told Paul that she had to get some studying done. He, as always, was unperturbed. He pulled a book off Ann's bookcase and settled in a chair to read while she studied. She smiled. One of the things she had always liked about Paul was his easy-going attitude. When they were in Africa, no plan ever went smoothly, but Paul always stayed calm and found an alternative solution. He was completely accepting of cultures and customs that were not his own. He readily tried strange foods and new activities. The villagers had enjoyed introducing Paul to new experiences because he was such a good sport. He had been honest and genuine with Ann. She wasn't accustomed to either. Men were usually so busy preening and strutting to be sure other men knew she was with them that she often felt she was caught between stags in rut. Paul had never been like that. He seemed oblivious to everyone else when he was with her, but not in an obsessive way. He had been a gentle lover, always as aware of her pleasure as his own. She had seriously considered what marriage to him might be like. She felt she could be content married to him, but she wanted more than contentment. Her friends had told her she was crazy when she had described him upon her return from the Peace Corps.

  All this ran through her head as she tried to study. When she was finally able to concentrate, the hours went by quickly. Paul got up and went into the kitchen. Ann was vaguely aware of noises, but it wasn't until the aroma of coffee and omelets came from the kitchen that she realized he was cooking dinner.

  "Hope you're hungry," he called out from the kitchen. "I'm starving."

  "I am, too," she said, pushing her books aside as he brought plates and silverware to the table. The plates were each loaded with a huge omelet. He went back to fetch mugs of coffee.

  "This is great," she said between bites. "Thank you so much."

  "No problem," he grinned. As they ate, he told more stories of events in the village after she had left. They laughed at some of the misadventures and became somber as he told of the deaths of several people Ann had become close to. Despite the efforts of the volunteers, life was still harsh. AIDS was rampant and other diseases that were easily treated here could kill there.

  After dinner, they settled back to watch television. Ann wondered what Emily was doing. She was surprised at how much she had missed her since Friday. Well, she'd see her before her French class tomorrow. Paul moved closer and slipped his arm around Ann. She allowed herself to be pulled closer and tried to relax, but found that she couldn't. She wasn't sure why, but it didn't feel right. It felt less right when Paul kissed her. His kiss was as gentle and familiar as it had always been, but she pulled away after a moment. He didn't push. When it was time for bed, she said goodnight and left him with the guest room.

  Monday morning was slow going. There were still several icy places on the roads and parking lots. Ann walked carefully, using only one crutch now, her book bag over her shoulder. Paul was going to wander around town until lunch when they would meet at a small café close to campus. It felt good to be back in class, much easier than studying on her own had been. She handed in assignments to her professors and got copies of lecture notes from classmates.

  As her last class of the morning ended, she began walking toward the café. The sidewalk she was on had not been scraped well and was still icy. As she placed her crutch down, the tip slipped out from under her, and she fell. She reached over to gather her books, which had flown out of her bag when she suddenly found Emily there helping.

  "You know, this is the third accident of yours I've witnessed," Emily observed with a weak smile. "Are you always this graceful?"

  Ann smiled, her eyes searching Emily's face. 'She looks tired,' Ann thought. "I guess I need someone around to keep picking me up."

  Emily held Ann's bag, and helped her to her feet.

  "Are you all right?" Emily asked seriously. "You didn't hurt your ankle, did you?"

  Ann gingerly moved her foot around and tried putting weight on it. "It seems to be fine," she pronounced. "Once again, the biggest bruise is to my ego."

  "Well," Emily handed Ann her bag, "I'd better be going."

  "Can you join us for lunch?" Ann asked. "Paul is meeting me at the campus café." Before Emily could respond in the negative, Ann pla
ced a hand on her arm. "Please, Emily. It would mean a lot to me."

  Ann's eyes were a very deep blue. Emily was torn. She didn't want to hurt Ann, but she felt raw and exposed. Ann's pressure on her arm increased a little.

  "All right," Emily acquiesced. "At least let me carry your bag before you break something else."

  Ann laughed and handed Emily the bag. As they walked, Ann talked about her first morning back.

  When they entered the café, Paul was there reading. He stood to greet them, giving Ann a kiss on the cheek, and shaking Emily's hand with a firm grasp. Ann related her mishap on the ice while Emily said very little. After they had ordered, a difficult task for Emily, since she wasn't even sure she could eat, Paul told them about the shops he'd wandered into during his morning's exploration.