Looking Through Windows

by Caren J. Werlinger

  Ann smiled self-consciously. "Emily, walk," she said in a low voice. As they were taken to their table, Emily noticed several men looking at Ann.

  They ordered wine, which was brought right away. The waiter smiled knowingly as he poured their wine. They touched their glasses together, murmuring, "Merry Christmas."

  "You are too beautiful for words," Emily said, her admiration reflected in her smile.

  "Thank you," Ann replied. "And thank you for wearing that sweater; it looks wonderful on you."

  The waiter came to take their order, and also brought a bottle of the white zinfandel they were drinking. "Compliments of the gentlemen," he sniffed, indicating a table across the room.

  Ann didn't bother to look. "No, thank you."

  Emily smiled and looked up at the waiter. "Henry," she remembered he had introduced himself, "can you please see to it that we are not disturbed?"

  "Absolutely." He leaned closer. "They look married anyhow, the scum."

  They laughed as he turned and went to pass their reply on to the men.

  "What was that about?" Ann asked.

  "He's gay," Emily answered, "and he knows we are too."

  "How?" Ann was puzzled, and a little troubled by Emily's words.

  "Probably the way we were looking at one another."

  "How do you know he is?"

  Emily thought for a moment. "I'm not sure how to explain it; his eye contact was very direct, but completely asexual. I don't know. Sometimes you just know – it's gaydar."

  "Gaydar?" Ann laughed.

  "Yes," Emily grinned. "It's just a feeling you get from some people. It's probably similar to unspoken signals of interest that heterosexuals exchange, but with us it often just indicates recognition, not necessarily interest or attraction."

  "You keep speaking in 'we' or 'us' terms, but the only thing you know about him, for example," indicating Henry, "is that he's gay. I don't understand that," Ann said, frowning a little.

  Emily tilted her head to one side and looked closely at Ann. "It's true that if I got to know him, he might not be someone I really like, but that bond was enough for him to help us deal with what could have been an uncomfortable situation. I think members of any minority have a natural tendency to band together for protection, especially when they're faced with prejudice."

  Ann sipped her wine, thinking about what Emily had said. Henry brought their meals, a stuffed Portobello mushroom for Ann, and chicken broiled in a lemon sauce served over pasta for Emily. Dinner proceeded with less serious conversation. Ann asked how Emily's meeting with her committee went. Emily considered whether to tell Ann about the possible job in Switzerland, but decided not to for now.

  As they were finishing their meal, Ann asked, "Would you mind going back to my place for coffee and dessert?"

  Emily replied, "You read my mind." She wanted desperately to be alone with Ann. She paid for dinner, not allowing Ann to argue, and tipped Henry generously.

  When they arrived at Ann's apartment, Emily put Christmas CDs on the stereo to set the atmosphere, while Ann put coffee on. They turned on the lights on Ann's small Christmas tree and Emily turned out the floor lamp. In the soft light from the tiny bulbs they embraced, kissing and swaying gently to the strains of ancient yuletide music.

  Several songs later, they released one another and went to get coffee. Ann served molasses cookies her mother had sent. They sat in silence in the living room, watching the tree and savoring the time alone together with no pressure to study. But for each of them, there was a hint of sadness at knowing they would soon be going separate ways. Neither wanted to talk about that.

  "Ready for your present?" Emily asked suddenly, excited about giving it. Ann laughed at her childlike glee. Emily pulled the box from her coat and handed it to Ann. "Merry Christmas."

  Ann slowly pulled open the raffia ribbon holding the Sunday comic wrapping paper. "Interesting wrapping," she smiled.

  "Well, I didn't want to use the typical holly and snowmen," Emily defended her choice.

  "Oh, Emily," Ann murmured as she opened a small woven horsehair purse inside the box. When she tipped the purse upside down, a small velvet box fell out. Inside the box the gold stirrup necklace twinkled in the light. "It's beautiful," she said as she held it up. "And so is this purse. Where did you find these?"

  "I saw the necklace in the window of that little jewelry store in town, and the purse was in an antique shop nearby." She looked carefully into Ann's eyes. "Do you really like it?"

  Ann laid her hand on Emily's cheek. "Yes. I really like it. Put it on me?" Emily fastened the clasp behind Ann's neck and undid the pearls.

  "It looks beautiful on you," Emily murmured.

  "Thank you," Ann whispered, leaning over to kiss Emily softly. "Your turn. Close your eyes," she commanded. Emily obeyed and heard a soft rustling. "Okay," Ann said.

  Emily opened her eyes to see Ann standing before her holding a black wool blazer. When she reached out to touch it, the wool was incredibly soft. The tailoring was impeccable. "Ann," she swallowed, "this must have been very expensive."

  "Does it matter? I saw it, and it seemed made for you. I had to get it." She shook the jacket. "Try it on."

  Emily slipped into the blazer and it fit as if it were made for her. "I don't know what to say."

  Ann stood and wrapped her arms around Emily's neck. "You don't have to say anything. Just kiss me."

  They kissed gently and deeply at first, then with growing passion. Ann pushed the jacket from Emily's shoulders and tossed it to the sofa. Emily began unzipping Ann's tunic and Ann shivered involuntarily as Emily's fingertips brushed lightly over her skin, which was very pale contrasted with the dark velvet. They pulled a cotton throw from the sofa along with some pillows and lay down, making love by the light from the tree.

  Chapter 34

  The next morning, they ate breakfast in an uncomfortable silence. Finally, Emily broke it by asking, "When are you leaving?"

  "Probably tomorrow." Ann looked up. "What about you?"

  "I don't know," Emily said, sitting back in her chair. "I can't imagine spending two weeks with my family. I'll probably stay here a few more days, but the Gundach family will arrive soon, and they'll need my room."

  "Emily," Ann said a little uncertainly, "why don't you come home with me for a few days?"

  Emily shook her head. "Ann, I can't. We have no idea what Michael has said to your parents, and I don't want to be the cause of any conflict, especially right before Christmas." She watched Ann's face carefully. "We haven't discussed the incident with Michael at Thanksgiving." She waited, while Ann looked down at her hands.

  Ann's eyes remained lowered. "I know. I think he was just shocked and embarrassed."

  "He was also angry, Ann," Emily said quietly. "His eyes were shooting daggers at me afterward."

  She cleared her throat. "I've decided that I am going to tell my family. I'm not going to continue relying on silence and ignorance to let things slide. One way or the other, they are going to hear the truth. So, you may or may not get to meet them, depending on their reaction."

  "I've been trying to figure out how to tell Mom and Dad," Ann said with an expression that seemed… frightened, Emily decided.

  Emily was suddenly flooded with the realization of what Ann must be dealing with. In the span of, she counted quickly, four months, Ann's life had been turned upside down. And on the basis of a four month old relationship, she was contemplating making an announcement to her family which could change things forever.

  "Ann," Emily leaned forward and placed her hand over Ann's, "there's never an easy way to say something, which has so much potential to cause conflict. If the right time presents itself, you'll know."

  "You're being very patient, but I know what it means to you to avoid lying and hiding from people." Ann's eyes filled with tears. "I'm just being a coward.

  "Come on," she said, wiping her eyes. "Let's clean up here and go enjoy the rest of the day."

  Th
ey spent most of the day finishing last minute Christmas shopping for their families. Emily wore the jacket Ann had given her, and she noticed Ann was wearing the necklace. They had a quiet dinner at Ann's apartment while they watched old movies, first 'The Bells of St. Mary's,' then 'An Affair to Remember.'

  "I love those movies," Ann sniffed and wiped her eyes as the credits rolled.

  "I know," Emily laughed as she wiped her eyes, too. "I never get tired of watching them. Caroline would groan when an old movie came on, and I would want to watch it for the fifth or sixth time." She smiled. "I probably drove her nuts."

  Ann kissed Emily's hand. "I'm looking forward to being driven nuts by you."

  "I hope you always feel that way."

  Chapter 35

  Ann was surprised to see Michael's car in the driveway when she arrived. She had Meg in the trailer and had to get her bedded down in her stall before she went in.

  "Good night, girl," she said as she snapped off the light in the barn. The early twilight was already descending as she walked to the house with her suitcase and a large bag of gifts.

  "Ann! Welcome home, honey," her mother said with a hug as she entered the warm kitchen.

  "Hi, Mom," Ann said, giving her mother a strong squeeze. "Why is Michael here? Is he taking all week off?"

  "No, he has to go back to New York in the morning. He just came in for the weekend. I think he wanted to see you."

  "Really?" Ann's heart pounded a little harder. "I'm going to take my things upstairs."

  "Dinner will be ready in half an hour," Katharine called out as Ann left the kitchen.

  Upstairs, Ann had just unzipped her suitcase when Michael knocked and came in. "Hey, little sister," he teased. "How did finals go?"

  "They were fine. As and Bs in everything," Ann replied guardedly. She pulled some jeans out of her bag as Michael sat down on the bed. "How long are you here?" she asked as she carried the jeans to the dresser.

  Michael saw a small white envelope slip out of the suitcase and fall to the floor. He put his foot on it as Ann returned to take more clothes from the suitcase. "I've got to go back in the morning, but I'll be home again by the end of the week," he said casually.

  Ann carried her personal items to the bathroom, saying, "Then why did you come home just for the weekend?"

  Michael quickly picked up the envelope and tucked it in his back pocket. "Actually, I wanted to talk to you."

  Ann reappeared from the bathroom. "What about?" Her heart was pounding harder.

  He cleared his throat. "Ann, this…" he hesitated, embarrassed, "this thing with Emily has got to stop."

  "What are you talking about?" she asked, not sure if he really understood how deep the 'thing' had become.

  "You know what I'm talking about," he snapped, "this perverted infatuation you're caught up in."

  Ann stared at him in disbelief. "Is that what you think it is?"

  "What else could it be?" he asked angrily, standing and shoving his hands in his pockets.

  "What if I told you it's the most profound love I've ever experienced?"

  He snorted in disgust. "I'd say you must not have been with any real men." Ann's eyes turned to ice, and he knew he had gone too far. He quickly decided to take a different tack. "Annie," he said in a softer tone, "this is totally unlike you. Think what this would do to Mom and Dad. This would kill them."

  "Why?" she demanded. "They've always encouraged us to follow our hearts."

  "Ann," he said patronizingly, "this isn't the same as deciding to go to Africa. This... fling of yours could really hurt all of us, Dad's business, my career." He considered the impact of his next words. "They're not getting any younger, you know. They're waiting to see both of us settled in a real marriage, something they could be proud of, and someday giving them grandchildren."

  As he turned to leave her to ponder his words, he added, "It's not like you to be so selfish."

  When he got to his room, he took the envelope from his pocket. With a mild twinge of guilt, he opened it and took out the note.

  Ann,

  I hope you know how deeply I love you. When we were talking about telling your parents, I could see the uncertainty in your eyes. I'm sorry... I haven't meant to give you an ultimatum, but I realize that we may be in very different places on this issue. I've had years to deal with this, and I just can't go back to a life of lying and hiding. If you decide that you can tell them, please call me and let me know. If you can't, believe me I'll understand. If you decide not to tell them, I've been offered a job in Switzerland which I'll accept to give you space.

  Whatever you decide, I will always love you,

  Emily.

  "Maybe this will be easier than I thought," Michael said to himself.

  Chapter 36

  Emily drove through the snowy landscape in a haze. It was cold but sunny, and the roads were dry. She let her mind wander back to the day Ann had left. They had had breakfast and then while Ann was showering, Emily had written the note and tucked it under some clothes in Ann's suitcase.

  As they were preparing to leave to hitch up the horse trailer and get Meg, Ann had taken Emily's hand and pressed something into her palm – a key.

  "Please take it," she insisted. "I want you to have some place you know you're welcome."

  "Thank you," Emily said gratefully, squeezing Ann's hand.

  Emily reached over to the passenger seat where the blazer lay. The soft wool comforted her. Ann had been home for four days now and no phone call. Emily told herself that it made sense for Ann to wait to call her, and she might not tell her parents until after Christmas. But try as she might, she could not shake the fear and loneliness gnawing at her insides.

  After a ten-hour drive and two stops for food and gas, she pulled into her parents' driveway. They had their cars in the garage, so she parked in front of one of the bays. She recognized her sister's car parked in the street.

  "Hi, everyone," she called out as she entered the front door of the brick bungalow.

  "Emily!" her sister greeted her with a hug.

  "Merry Christmas, Elizabeth," she said warmly. Her little sister was very blonde with large dark brown eyes. Emily had always thought she was beautiful.

  Her parents, Robert and Maureen, came out of the kitchen. Robert was tall and thin, with his gray hair cut into the crew cut he had had for as long as Emily could remember. Maureen was shorter than Emily, her dark hair peppered with gray, cut into a simple, shoulder-length style. "How was your trip?" her father asked, looking over the half glasses perched low on his nose.

  "It was fine; the roads were clear."

  "How long can you stay?" her mother asked.

  Emily cringed internally as she answered, "I'm not sure... I have a lot of work to do for next semester." She changed the subject quickly, asking Elizabeth where her two children were.

  "They're Christmas shopping with their father," she laughed. "He is probably going nuts."

  They settled in the family room, and Elizabeth filled Emily in on how the kids were doing in school and sports. They were both in Christmas plays, and she elicited a promise from Emily that she would attend both. Emily asked her parents about their jobs and how the other relatives were. Without realizing it, over the years she had become extremely skilled at getting others to provide most of the conversation, thereby evading the necessity of speaking much herself.

  "Where are Bobby and Denise?" Emily asked, referring to her brother and sister-in-law.

  "They're coming over for dinner tomorrow," her mother replied. She told Emily the latest news on her brother's children and their accomplishments.

  After a couple of hours, Elizabeth said good night and left. Emily realized how tired she was and retired soon after. The room she and Elizabeth had shared no longer contained any of her belongings, having been converted to a guest room. Nevertheless, it felt familiar, but when she was lying in the dark, far from Ann, she suddenly felt small and alone.

  "Oh, Ann, please call," she
prayed.

  Chapter 37

  Ann took Meg out for a ride each day. There were numerous trails through the woods, which connected their property to the neighbors' land. Meg enjoyed being back in familiar territory, twitching her ears at every sound and shying playfully at the rattle of bare branches in the wind.

  Ann also spent a great deal of time curled up in front of the fireplace, reading. It felt so good to read for fun, with no pressure to read a textbook or study. She frequently found herself staring into the flames, realizing that she had been thinking about Emily. She had been preoccupied since Michael's departure. She wasn't sure if her parents had noticed. Echoes of her conversation with him kept running through her mind. She had been stunned by the vehemence of his reaction.