Looking Through Windows

by Caren J. Werlinger

  Prior to that confrontation, she had felt reasonably sure that her family would respect her choice when she worked up the courage to tell them. Now nothing seemed certain. She had actually been avoiding time alone with her mother, afraid that Katharine would ask questions she wasn't ready to answer. Michael was due back tomorrow, Friday. It would be just the four of them for Christmas. For the first time she could remember, she was wanting this holiday to be over. She wondered if this was how Emily felt, like she was putting on an act for everyone else's benefit. The effort was exhausting.

  Chapter 38

  Emily's visit home had been very busy, with dinners at her brother and sister's houses, Christmas plays and all the happy chaos of the holiday season. She waited for a time when she was alone with her parents, and there were no expected visits for the next couple of hours. She asked them to come into the kitchen where they all sat down with coffee. Her hands were trembling as she began. Her parents exchanged worried glances as she hesitated.

  "For years, I've operated on the assumption that you know I'm gay." She looked at both of them, her father watching her over the rims of his glasses, her mother's dark eyes magnified slightly through hers. "Sometimes I was sure you knew, and other times, I honestly couldn't tell."

  They waited, allowing her to continue. "Our conversation at Thanksgiving was so superficial, and it's been that way for years. I know it's largely my fault. You don't know what's safe to ask about and I avoid offering information that might be uncomfortable. I just don't want it to be like that anymore. I'm not sure how you feel about this; maybe future conversations won't be an issue. But one way or the other, it's going to be based on the truth."

  "Why are you telling us this now?" her mother asked, looking distinctly uncomfortable. "You never felt the need to say anything before."

  "By 'before', I assume you mean when Caroline was alive." Emily's hands clenched more tightly around her coffee cup. "No. I never said anything before, but I should have. There were too many secrets, too many lies. But after a very long time when no one," she looked at them and emphasized those last words, "bothered asking how I was doing after losing my partner of eight years, there is someone new in my life. I don't know for certain that we will be able to make a life together; she's home with her family now, facing this same conversation. But if she can do this, you will, in essence, have a new daughter-in-law, and this time things are going to be different."

  "No matter how we feel about this?"

  Emily sat a little straighter. "How do you feel?"

  Her mother glanced over at Robert who still hadn't said anything. "I've always known you were… like that. I don't suppose there's anything that can be done about it." Emily forced herself to keep a neutral expression as she met her mother's gaze. "What you do in private is your business. I don't understand why we have to talk about it."

  Emily almost laughed. "Mom, I'm not planning on discussing the details of our relationship. For crying out loud, this is no different than Elizabeth and John or Bobby and Denise. I'm asking you to treat Ann like you treat John and Denise – acknowledge her birthday, include her at Christmas."

  "Are you planning on telling all the relatives? Your grandmother would never understand."

  This time Emily did laugh out loud. "No, I'm not planning on waving banners or telephoning all the relatives or anything else." She turned her gaze to her father. "Dad, you haven't said anything."

  "Well," he said in the measured tone he used when he was choosing his words carefully, "First, I want to apologize to you for not asking how you were after Caroline's death. We just weren't sure how to approach the whole matter, since it had never been openly discussed." Emily's eyes stung with tears. "Second, if I'm going to have a new daughter-in-law, I'd like to know a little about her."

  Chapter 39

  On Christmas Eve, the Hights had a quiet dinner at home then decorated the Christmas tree. When the tree was decked with all its trimmings, they brought their presents and placed them under the tree. Later they got dressed to go to church for the midnight service. Ann had always loved this celebration. The choir began with hushed songs of anticipation, the chapel illuminated only by candlelight. Near the altar was a creche, hidden in darkness at the beginning. As the ceremony progressed, more candles were lit around the creche, slowly bringing light to the scene. The music also began to build in intensity and volume. The service was timed to finish at midnight with a crescendo of music including trumpets, drums and cymbals. It was glorious.

  Ann longed to have Emily beside her. She closed her eyes, sending her love to Emily, hoping she could feel it. Suddenly, her father's arm settled around her shoulders. Startled, Ann opened her eyes, but kept them lowered. She felt her father kiss the top of her head. She wanted to blurt everything out to her parents, but Michael's words kept ringing in her ears, "this would kill them." She had never done anything deliberately to hurt her parents. She had never lied to them; she had never been a rebellious adolescent. In return, they had always treated her and her decisions with respect. She couldn't bear the thought of hurting them now.

  When they got home, Ann excused herself and went up to bed. Michael, Katharine and Owen all went to the kitchen for their traditional after-church snack of mince meat pie.

  "Michael," Owen asked as he poured coffee, "do you have any idea what's wrong with Ann?"

  "Why do you think something's wrong?" Michael responded with a question, not answering Owen directly.

  "She's been very quiet," Katharine observed. "It's not like her to stay to herself so much."

  "She's probably just tired from school," Michael said, running a hand through his thick, black hair.

  "Maybe," Katharine mused, "but I have a strong feeling something is really troubling her."

  "Well, if there is, you should probably wait until she's ready to talk about it," Michael said, hoping to delay their confronting Ann until the problem was taken care of.

  After Michael went upstairs, Owen asked, "Do you think he's right? Should we wait for Ann to come to us?"

  Katharine frowned. "I don't know. This kind of silence is so unlike her." She looked at Owen. "Have you noticed that she hasn't once mentioned Emily, except when we asked how she was?"

  He nodded. "Do you think they had an argument?"

  Katharine shrugged. "That might explain her reluctance to talk to us." She took another sip of coffee. "I just have a bad feeling about this."

  Chapter 40

  It was December 30th, and Ann hadn't called. Emily packed to go back to Weston. She numbed herself and went into automatic pilot. She called Dr. Brooks at home and told him she would like to apply for the position in Switzerland. He was delighted, and promised to contact the diplomatic school immediately. She was to call him January 2nd.

  Since the initial conversation with her parents, she had privately told her father the details of everything that had occurred with Caroline's family after her accident. She had also had conversations with her sister and brother. Elizabeth said she had always known, and was eager to learn more about Ann. Bobby just kind of nodded and changed the subject. As it had become more apparent that Ann might not call, Emily had told her family about the Zurich position.

  "Are you sure this is the right thing to do?" her father asked her when she told him.

  "We both know I was in the wrong for getting involved with a student, no matter the circumstances. If she has been unable to bring herself to tell her family, I feel like this position is perfect to give us both space." Emily wasn't sure if she was trying to convince him or herself.

  When she was packed, she said her good-byes to her family. Her father held her tightly. "Please call if you need anything," he said. "Even if it's just to talk." She kissed him on the cheek and got into her car. Her mother gave her shoulder a pat through the open window. That was the most contact she had had with her mother since their conversation. As she backed out of the driveway, she paused to look at all of them standing there waving. She gave a qui
ck wave and drove away.

  She found it easier than she expected to fall back into her old mental state of strict emotional control, concentrating on the task at hand. As she drove, she thought about the things she needed to do in preparation for her departure.

  When she got back to Weston, she drove to the Gundlach house and was relieved to see no unfamiliar cars there. When she went in, Mrs. Gundlach was cleaning, something she had neglected while her children were visiting.

  "Hello, Emily!" she cried, dropping the vacuum and hugging Emily.

  Emily couldn't help but smile at the greeting. She carried her bag upstairs, and began a list of what to send to her parents for storage. That evening, she told the Gundlachs of her decision. They were saddened to hear that she would be leaving them, but they were glad for her to have such an opportunity. She insisted upon paying them the next six months' rent. "If I get homesick, I need to know I have a place to come home to," she joked.

  She spent New Year's Eve alone, wandering around Weston. There were various family-oriented events being held in several downtown locations. Being around all those happy people made her feel even more alone. She went to Ann's apartment. Turning on just the Christmas tree lights, she sat and remembered.

  At length, she searched for a piece of paper and wrote:

  My dear Ann,

  Since I haven't heard from you, I have to assume that you have made your decision, and I must respect that. It would be much too hard on both of us to constantly run into one another, so I am leaving Weston, at least for awhile.

  But I hope you will believe me when I tell you that I leave here a very different person from the woman who came here in August, and you are mostly responsible for that. I love you more than I could tell you. I know you love me, too, but sometimes that's not enough.

  Please know that I want you to be happy, whatever that means for you.

  Emily

  She left the note folded, with the apartment key inside, on Ann's bed.

  Chapter 41

  Ann didn't know when Emily had planned to return, but she desperately wanted to see her. Classes didn't resume until the second week of January, so she tried to figure out how she could explain needing to return to Weston on New Year's Day. She had suffered through a New Year's Eve in Boston at a party hosted by a colleague of her father's. It had been such a long time since she had had to put up with the unwanted attention of men who tried in vain to impress her. At midnight, she made sure she was alone in the restroom.

  As she restlessly tried to read at their Boston townhouse the next day, she began trying to come up with excuses to go back early. Michael had finally gone back to New York. Ann had never been so irritated by him. She had felt him hovering, trying to make sure no opportunity arose for any in-depth conversation with their parents, just in case she changed her mind. The night before he left, she had finally had enough. She had barged into his room and told him to mind his own business. She wasn't sure what she was going to do, but whatever it was, it would be her decision, and she would have to face the consequences. He wore an expression she couldn't decipher. His only reply had been, "Just take a few more days to think it over." She wasn't sure what difference a few days would make, but decided he just wanted her to be absolutely certain before she opened a door which couldn't ever be closed again. She tried again to read the French novel she had brought home. Somehow it made her feel closer to Emily. She planned to discuss it with her when she saw her. She made up her mind to stay a few more days, then go back to Weston.

  Her father returned to work on the 2nd, after having taken the entire week off from Christmas to New Year. Ann and Katharine spent the day shopping. Loaded with bags of clothes and half-priced holiday items, they picked him up at the office. When they got home to the farm, they all went to the kitchen to fix a dinner of pasta, garlic bread and salad. "It's a good thing we're all eating this," Owen observed wryly, "or I don't know if we could stand being in the same room."

  Katharine smiled, and noticed that Ann wasn't listening. She and Owen exchanged a questioning look. He nodded.

  "Ann," Katharine began as Ann started at the sound of her name, "honey, we don't mean to pry, but we've both noticed that you've seemed… I don't know, upset and rather quiet. Are you all right?"

  Ann looked at both of them, their faces concerned. 'They love me enough to ask,' she thought. She turned to the window, trying for several seconds to find a way to start.

  "What is it, Annie?" Owen asked, placing his hand on her shoulder.

  "I just don't know how to say this," Ann said softly. "I've been trying for weeks to figure out how to tell you…" She forced herself to meet their eyes. "I'm in love with Emily."

  Before they could say anything, she rambled on, pacing back and forth in the kitchen, "I know this is probably difficult for you, and you may be disappointed in me. I'm sorry if this hurts you, but I've never felt this way about anyone. I had honestly thought I would never meet anyone I could love this much. It surprised me more than anyone. Michael told me I shouldn't tell you, that it could hurt the business and that it would hurt both of you, but I can't lie to you…" She finally paused. When she turned to look at them, Katharine's eyes were moist, and Owen was smiling tenderly.

  "Ann," Katharine said, "you have such a good heart. How could we be disappointed in you?"

  "We've watched your relationship with Emily," Owen said. "She seems like a good person who truly loves you, Ann. That's all we could ask for you."

  She blinked, trying to comprehend what they were saying. "You knew?" she asked unbelievingly.

  "How could we miss it?" Katharine teased. "You absolutely glowed when Emily was with you."

  Ann blushed, and Owen and Katharine laughed. "We love you unconditionally, Ann. Never doubt that," Owen reassured her.

  In a rush of relief, Ann exclaimed, "I love you both so much!" and hugged each of them in turn.

  "So," Katharine said as they sat to eat, "tell us more. Has Emily told her family?"

  Ann frowned. "I'm not sure. She intended to, but we haven't spoken since I came home."

  "Tell us more about her."

  Ann started at the beginning, recounting Emily's history with Caroline, and the tragedy of that relationship's end. She told them about how guarded Emily had been, and how the visit from Joseph Gundlach had triggered a very bad period for her, forcing her to face all the grief she had kept buried.

  "As she began to let go of all of that control, she softened," Ann said unselfconsciously. "She opened up and touched my heart with a depth of tenderness and honesty I've never known before. I can't help but love her."

  Katharine and Owen smiled, looking at Ann's radiant expression. A thought occurred to Owen and his smile faded as he took on a more serious tone.

  "Ann," he began, "we are happy for you, but you do realize not everyone is going to feel that way."

  She nodded. "I know."

  "How are you going to handle that?"

  "I won't know for sure until it happens," she replied honestly. "So far, Michael's is the only negative reaction I've experienced."

  "How did Michael know?" Katharine asked. "Did you tell him?"

  Ann shook her head. "He caught us in an embrace and asked me about it when we were alone." She changed the subject. "So you'll understand if I go back tomorrow?"

  They laughed and Katharine said, "Of course we'll understand. You'll have a lot to talk about."

  Chapter 42

  Emily looked out the small window of the plane as New York's chaos passed underneath like a miniature toy city. She took a deep breath. The speed at which events had transpired the past few days made her dizzy.

  Madame Suzanne Choubert had not waited for the New Year holiday to pass. She had contacted Emily directly over the phone on New Year's Day. Apparently Emily made a good impression during the impromptu interview, because Madame Choubert confirmed her appointment then and there. Since Emily's passport was still valid, Madame Choubert used her diplomatic connec
tions to get a visa by the next morning. She arranged for a driver to pick Emily up that afternoon and by eight o'clock the following morning, she was taking off from La Guardia.

  She sat back and closed her eyes. She had been so tempted to call Ann, to hear her voice one last time before leaving. But she had refrained, telling herself it would probably make things awkward for Ann with her family. 'It's better this way,' she told herself, 'quick and painless.' She thought for a moment. 'Yeah, right.'

  Chapter 43