Looking Through Windows

by Caren J. Werlinger

  "Oh, yes, they know," Cris said, a little bitterly. "They choose to ignore what they don't want to know, however. They expect me to be home for holidays and vacations, but on their terms."

  Maggie reached over to take Cris's hand. "My family, on the other hand, loves Cris," she said with a sad smile. "They think she's a good influence on me."

  "Family," Ann said angrily, her face taking on the hardness it had acquired recently.

  "What happened to you?" Maggie asked.

  Ann looked from one to the other. "I saw Emily."

  "Where?" they asked in unison.

  She told them everything in the same flat, unemotional tone she had used in telling her parents.

  "So your brother was the cause of all of this? And you never got to talk to her?" Cris asked in disbelief. "After going all that way?"

  "I didn't leave the hotel room for two days; I was afraid I might miss her call," Ann said. "I guess she's moved on."

  Maggie glanced at Cris before asking, "Have you?"

  For the first time in days, Ann's eyes filled with tears. She leaned her elbows on her knees, her face in her hands, and wept. Cris came and knelt beside her chair, holding her.

  "I guess not," Maggie said softly.

  Chapter 55

  Maureen and Robert Warner entered the physiotherapy gym, looking very pale and tired. They had barely slept since getting the phone call two days ago from Dr. Schuler. They had been met at the airport by Madame Choubert and had been driven directly to the hospital. Madame told them that the limo would return and wait for them. They entered the hospital, and when they inquired about Emily they were directed to the physiotherapy gym. Despite having been told, they were not prepared for the sight of Emily hopping in the parallel bars, learning to adjust to the loss of her leg.

  "Mom, Dad!" she cried out as she turned in the bars and spied them. Her mother rushed over and held Emily tightly. Her father gave her a kiss on the cheek. Maureen couldn't stop crying. The physiotherapist quietly brought a wheelchair for Emily and left them for a while. Emily sat, holding her mother's hand and reassuring her.

  "Mom, I'm fine."

  Her mother nodded, wiping tears from her cheeks. "I know, I know. I was just so worried."

  Robert brought two chairs over. "How's your head?" he asked as he and Maureen sat.

  "Much better," Emily replied. "I was so dizzy the first time I stood that I almost fell. I would have if Ursula hadn't caught me."

  "Is there... does your leg hurt?" Maureen wasn't sure how to ask.

  Emily rubbed her thigh. "Oh, it throbs, but it's getting better."

  "What does your doctor say about the cancer?" Robert, pragmatic as always, wanted to know the facts.

  "He thinks the amputation caught everything," Emily replied, "but he wants me to follow up with an oncologist back home just to be sure."

  "When will he discharge you from the hospital?"

  "Well, if I can handle stairs and things with crutches, I think they'll let me loose in a few days," she said. "Let me introduce you to Ursula, my physiotherapist."

  Maureen and Robert stepped back to let Emily and Ursula resume their session. At one end of the bars, Ursula handed Emily a pair of crutches and gave instructions in German. She ventured outside the safety of the bars, having to adjust her body's sense of balance without the weight of her leg, Ursula holding tightly to a safety belt cinched around her waist.

  After another half hour of walking with brief rest periods, the session was over. Emily directed Robert as he wheeled her back to her ward. In the long room with twelve beds lining the walls, Emily hopped into her bed. She gave her parents the key to her flat. She insisted that they go get some rest, claiming that she also needed to rest. They left reluctantly, promising to return later in the afternoon.

  Lying in her hospital bed with her eyes closed, Emily tried to shut out the recurring image of the look on Laura's face when she had arrived at Emily's bedside in the intensive care ward. It had only been an instant, but Emily had seen that Laura would never look at her the same way, the way she had on the beach. If Laura, who worked in the medical field, had reacted like that, what chance was there that Ann would ever look at her the same way again?

  Not long after, Dr. Schuler came in on his rounds. Emily told him about her progress with the crutches, and informed him that her parents had arrived. "So, when can I leave?"

  "You don't appreciate our hospitality?" he teased with a wink as he examined her limb again.

  "Well, I can't say it's been my favorite part of Zurich," she said with a droll smile.

  "We can probably discharge you in two days," he said. "I would like for you to return to the United States right away, and get in touch with an oncologist immediately. Is there a doctor I can contact for you?"

  Emily thought for a moment, and gave him the name of her parents' family doctor. He hadn't treated Emily for years, but he would probably know of an oncologist near her home in Scranton.

  The next two days were a flurry of activity as her parents packed up her apartment. They made arrangements for a return flight and shipping Emily's belongings back to the States. Fortunately, she had been content with a rather spartan existence.

  The day she was to be discharged, Madame Choubert came to the hospital. "This is not how I envisioned the termination of your position," she said with dry humor.

  Emily smiled. "Nor I, Madame."

  "Have you been able to make all necessary arrangements?" Madame inquired.

  "Yes, with my parents' help, everything is packed." Emily's tone became serious. "I deeply regret leaving you so abruptly, I know how busy the school is."

  "Nonsense," Madame scolded her. "We got along before you arrived, and we shall continue after you have gone."

  Her voice and face softened. "Let me know how you are doing. When you have recovered, if you wish to return, I will have a position waiting for you."

  "Thank you, Madame."

  As she left, Madame Choubert left firm instructions that the nurses were to call L'Ecole as Emily was being discharged, and the limousine would be sent to take the Warners to the airport.

  For the first time in over a week, Emily was allowed to dress in her own clothes, tucking the leg of her khakis under her in the wheelchair. When all was ready, the limo was contacted and the journey home began. The American consul had arranged for an aide to meet them at the airport and expedite their passage through customs.

  Settled into spacious first-class seats as a courtesy from the airline, Emily sat back for the long flight to America. Her last view of Zurich was an aerial one as the plane circled before heading west.

  Chapter 56

  The telephone was ringing as Ann entered her apartment. Dropping her book bag on the couch, she picked up.

  "Hello, Ann," came Katharine's voice.

  "Hi, Mom. What's up?" Ann carried the telephone into the kitchen and rummaged in the refrigerator for something to eat.

  "Not much. I was wondering if you'll be coming home for Easter. It's a long weekend for you, isn't it?"

  "It is." There was a bit of an edge to her voice. "But I won't be home."

  "Ann, I think Michael really is sorry," Katharine said, reading her mind as to why she wasn't coming home.

  "I'm sure he is," she acknowledged, "because he got caught. If he hadn't tripped up, I don't believe he would have confessed what he did at all. I think he would have just let Emily disappear from my life and wait for me to get over this."

  "Are you getting over this?" Katharine asked gently.

  Ann's throat suddenly tightened. "Not yet. And I'm not ready to forgive Michael yet, either. I'm sorry if this tension hurts you and Dad, but I'm not going to pretend this didn't happen."

  There were a few seconds of silence. "All right," Katharine sighed. "We'll talk to you soon. I love you."

  Katharine sat back, absentmindedly twirling a pen in her fingers. She wasn't sure how long she had been sitting there when she heard the front door open. />
  "Kate!" Owen called out as he came in, depositing his bags at the base of the stairs.

  "In here," she called from the study. "Just catching up on some paperwork," she said as she stood to give him a kiss and hold him tightly. "I missed you."

  "I missed you, too," he smiled. Taking her by the hand, he led her to one of the sofas. "Come and sit with me. I've got something to tell you."

  "Do you remember meeting Helmut Beschmann?" he asked as they sat.

  Katharine furrowed her brow. "He works for the German biotechnology firm with the patent on the new gene splitting technique, right?"

  "Yes," Owen nodded. "His company is trying to negotiate a merger with a firm in Wisconsin to start using their technique in the U.S., so he has been attending a language school in Zurich. Guess who his instructor was?"

  Katharine's eyebrows rose. "Not Emily?"

  "Emily. But he said he was told about a month ago that she had had an accident and had to return to the States with her family."

  "Did he have any idea what happened?" Katharine asked with concern.

  Owen shook his head, frowning. "No. They were trying to protect Emily's confidentiality, telling only her clients and then only telling them what I've told you."

  Katharine was staring at the fireplace. "Ann is still hurting over all of this. She'll be done with finals in a couple of weeks."

  "I know."

  Chapter 57

  "Are you sure this is necessary?" Emily moaned as she lay back in bed.

  "I'm sure." Dr. Susan Hall, tall and imposing with sharp features and sharper hazel eyes behind her wire-rimmed glasses, laid a surprisingly gentle hand on Emily's forehead. "I know the side effects are awful, but if we blast any remaining cancer cells with three intense months of chemotherapy, I think you'll have a clean slate." Her last words echoed a little in the bathroom as she flushed the contents of the emesis basin down the toilet and then rinsed it in the sink.

  She checked Emily's IV and then scribbled new orders in the chart. "I'll order a medication which should reduce the nausea. I'll check on you later," she promised.

  After only a few precious minutes of peace and quiet, a nurse's aide bustled in. Emily kept her eyes closed. 'Even her walk is cheerful,' she thought with clenched teeth.

  "Here's your milkshake!" the aide announced in a falsetto voice, setting a liquid supplement on the bedside table. "Drink up!" she chirped as she left the room.

  Emily couldn't bear the thought of putting anything in her stomach now, but she knew she needed to. She had already lost almost twenty pounds heading into her fourth week of chemo. Dr. Hall had not wasted any time. After a lengthy phone consultation with Dr. Schuler to get the pathology results, and then running a few more tests, she had strongly urged a twelve-week regimen of chemotherapy to be administered in intense bursts of three days per week via intravenous delivery. She had warned Emily about the need to keep her calorie count up despite the nausea. Not only would excess weight loss weaken her when she needed more energy than ever to get around, but it would delay her being fitted with a prosthesis because of the changing size of her limb.

  What Emily didn't know was the concern Dr. Schuler had expressed regarding Emily's seeming acceptance of her amputation. He told Dr. Hall that Emily had been so concerned with taking care of her obligations and the details of leaving that she had not expressed any of the reactions he would have expected – no grief, no anger. Dr. Hall had promised to keep a close eye on her.

  Emily opened one eye and looked at the supplement. She forced herself to begin taking small sips. When she had swallowed all she could handle, she began doing her exercises to keep her left hip limber and strong so that she would be able to handle the weight of her prosthesis when the time came.

  After the next day's IV, she would be discharged until the following Monday, and then would start the process over just as she was getting over the side effects of the week before.

  'All right, Warner, drink up!' she said to herself as she downed the last of the supplement in the cup, forcing herself to swallow.

  "Guess what I've got for you?" The aide bounced into the room, carrying a tray. "It's a yummy lunch!" She set the tray down, and was already heading toward the door so she didn't see the styrofoam cup Emily hurled at her.

  Chapter 58

  Emily was starting to feel like herself again after two days at home. She tried to make the most of the days she felt good, refusing to waste time thinking about the next round of chemotherapy. Her limb was healed with a thin red scar left after the sutures were removed. She got dressed in a swimsuit and sweats. Standing in front of her mirror she ran a brush through her unruly curls, and stood staring at the large mass of hair clinging to the bristles. Clenching her jaw, she tossed a swim cap into her gym bag and swung it over her shoulder.

  The house was quiet. Her mother's attitude had done a complete about-face. She never said so directly, but Emily suspected that her mother had been haunted by the possibility that she might have died with their holiday estrangement unresolved. Her parents had returned to work at her insistence. She pointed out that there was nothing she couldn't do for herself now, and if she was feeling ill, all she wanted to do was sleep.

  She drove to the public recreation facility to use the pool there. Leaving her gym bag and sweats in a locker, she swung out to the pool on her crutches. Ignoring the people staring at her, she reminded herself that she had chosen to come here rather than go to the rehab pool precisely because she felt she needed to face the stares and whispers. She was a little more careful with her crutches near the pool where it was wet. She tugged on her cap and goggles and hopped into the water.

  As she began swimming laps, she settled into a rhythm of breathing, losing herself with only the sound of rushing water in her ears. It had been awkward at first, learning how to compensate for the lack of a leg. It was like having only half a rudder. Swimming allowed her to maintain her cardiovascular conditioning, and she could tell her upper body was getting stronger.

  An hour later, she had showered and returned home. She was ravenous, a rare sensation lately. She fixed a large sandwich and wolfed it down. Carefully carrying a plastic cup of water, she hopped out to the back patio to enjoy the early May sunshine. The sun's warmth felt wonderful. She stripped down to a t-shirt and rolled up the sleeves, soaking up as much sun as she could. She visualized the cancer cells being bombarded by both the chemo and the solar radiation. Sitting back in the lawn chair, she pulled Ann's letter out of her back pocket. She had found it unopened in one of the boxes from her Zurich flat, and had probably read it a hundred times. It still confused her that Ann didn't seem to have any idea why she had left Weston in the first place. Ann apparently had told her family about their relationship, but for some reason had never called to let Emily know. What she never got tired of reading was the last paragraph,

  Whatever your reasons were for leaving, I want you to know that I have never stopped loving you. I have to believe that what we have together is strong enough to overcome any other difficulties. Please contact me, Emily.

  She felt the now familiar cramping of her gut – the feeling she had every time she thought of Ann. Sometimes she couldn't tell if she was more nauseous from the chemo or from the agony of what to do about Ann. Her parents hadn't asked about Ann – old habits, she supposed. They were probably waiting for her to bring the subject up, and she hadn't been able to steel herself to it yet. Part of her wanted to call Ann and beg her to come to Pennsylvania as fast as she could, and she had actually picked the telephone up half a dozen times, but when she looked at herself in the mirror, she couldn't make herself do it. She kept remembering Laura's reaction. She hadn't heard from Laura since the day she came to see her in the hospital in Zurich.

  Later that afternoon, Maureen came home and announced they were having company for dinner. She refused to reveal who was coming, but put Emily to work peeling and slicing potatoes. Robert came home with fresh steaks and fired up the grill. They got
the potatoes started early, wrapped in foil with onions and peppers.

  Emily was setting the table when she heard the doorbell. Her mother went to the door, and Emily heard familiar voices. She pivoted on her crutches to see Owen and Katharine entering the kitchen. They stood there in mutual shock for a moment. Emily looked beyond them, her heart pounding wildly.

  "Ann's not here," Katharine said, instinctively understanding what Emily was searching for.

  Emily recovered enough to greet them. "How are both of you?"

  Owen came over to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "We're fine," he said. He stepped back and looked at her. Her face was so thin. There were dark circles under her eyes and her hair was sparse.