Looking Through Windows

by Caren J. Werlinger

  Emily noted that Katharine remained somewhat distant, and seemed to avoid meeting her eyes. Maureen invited them to sit and catch up with Emily while she and Robert finished getting dinner.

  "How did you know where I was?" Emily asked as they settled in the family room.

  "I have a business acquaintance who was a student of yours, Helmut Beschmann," Owen explained.

  "You're kidding," Emily said incredulously. "That is a pretty bizarre coincidence."

  "Maybe not," Katharine said in a tone of concern that contradicted her physical aloofness. "How are you, Emily? What happened in Zurich?"

  Emily told them about seeing Ann through the café window and later getting her message. "I was running to the hotel to see her when my femur crumbled. There was a malignant tumor in the bone. I fell down some stairs, suffered a concussion and woke up two days later to find this," she gestured to her leg. "I guess she had no way of knowing what happened or where I was…"

  "She thinks you just didn't want to see her," Katharine said. "She thinks you're with someone else."

  Emily's eyes got wide. "Laura? No, she's just a friend who was visiting." She looked at them, puzzled, "Ann wrote me a letter dated late February, and I guess it arrived while I was in the hospital. I found the letter in a box that got packed up after my accident, but what made her come over to Switzerland in the first place?"

  Owen and Katharine looked at each other. "Ann never got the note you wrote her at Christmastime, Emily. Michael found it and hid it from her," Owen explained. "He got caught when he said something that let us know he knew you were gone, and when Ann confronted him, he confessed what he had done."

  Emily sat for several seconds, trying to put all of this information in context. "So, she didn't know that I was waiting to hear from her over the holidays and that I was basing my decision about Zurich on whether she could bring herself to tell you about us?"

  "That's right."

  "But she did tell you?"

  Katharine nodded. "After the New Year." She glanced at Owen. "She had been abnormally quiet and withdrawn over the holiday break. We found out later it was because of what Michael had said to her."

  "And what was that?"

  Katharine looked uncomfortable. "We don't know exactly. Ann won't tell us everything. It seems Michael has… issues with your relationship. He confronted her and accused her of selfishly putting the whole family at risk."

  Emily braced herself. "How do the two of you feel about Ann and me?"

  "We had never seen Ann as happy as she was with you," Owen began.

  "Or as miserable as she has been since you left," Katharine added.

  Just then, Maureen called them in to dinner as Robert brought the steaks to the table. Emily was glad her appetite was still good. Dinner conversation consisted mainly of the two sets of parents' getting to know one another. Emily tried to listen attentively, but she couldn't really concentrate on anything other than Ann. This conversation with Owen and Katharine explained so much. After dinner, they went out to the patio for coffee. The May evening was cooling down as the sun lowered.

  "Before we sat down to eat," Emily decided to plunge back in, "I asked you how you felt about Ann and me. Do you share Michael's misgivings?" Out of the corner of her eye, she could see her mother tense up at such a direct discussion of this topic.

  Owen smiled. "No, Emily. We were happy for the two of you. Ann is such an extraordinary person; we have always trusted her judgment. We do not have a problem with her being with you."

  "What we do have a problem with, though," Katharine interjected, "is keeping all of this from her." She shifted forward in her seat. "Ann told us about Caroline, how you never got to say good-bye and all the pain that followed. If that happened between you and Ann, and it could have been prevented…"

  She didn't finish. She didn't have to. Emily now understood Katharine's distance since her arrival.

  "You're right. Ann doesn't deserve to go through anything like that."

  "You know she would want to be here for you." Katharine said gently.

  Emily ran her hand through her wispy hair, her jaw clenching as her throat tightened. "I know she would, but…" her voice cracked. She pressed her fingers hard against her eyes. "I am not going to cry again," she whispered through clenched teeth.

  Taking a deep breath, she continued, her voice still shaky, "You've got to realize that when I met Ann, I was in worse shape emotionally than I am now. I was… I was like a fucking Humpty Dumpty."

  Surprised at the unaccustomed swearing coming from Emily, the older people sat silently. Emily sat with her fists clenched, her eyes tightly shut.

  "It's taken me five years to face the truth and come to grips with everything that happened; to accept the fact that Caroline just didn't love me enough to put me first and face her parents; the humiliation of her parents' public tirade in the hospital, preventing me from seeing her as she died, then invading my home and taking whatever the hell they wanted; trying to put my life back together only to run into someone in Vermont of all places who knew me from Virginia and start the whole goddamned cycle all over again. Then I met Ann." She took another deep breath. "I wish I could convey to you the depth of healing she brought to me. She didn't just put my heart back together; she put my soul back together. She loved me with her whole being. She made it safe to feel again, to love again. I thought I had found someone who would stand by me no matter what. But then it seemed she was getting cold feet when it came to facing family, so I left, thinking it was what she had chosen, only to find out tonight that it was all a pointless misunderstanding caused by Michael's interference and none of it needed to happen at all. And now, Ann thinks I ignored her plea because I was with someone else."

  She opened her eyes, and despite her resolve not to cry, tears spilled out, and she laughed bitterly. "And as if all the rest weren't senseless and cruel enough, let's throw some cancer into the mix and see what happens." She pounded her thigh with her fist. "Now, I'm broken again, only this time there are pieces missing that even Ann can't put back together!" She grabbed a crutch and slammed it into the empty chair next to her, sending it crashing into the side of the garage.

  She sat back, breathing hard. There was a startled and very awkward silence. Finally, she smiled feebly as she wiped her cheeks and said, "I'm sorry. How's that for a little self-pity? You'd think someone who can speak four languages would be able to express herself without resorting to language like that." She stood with her crutches. "And without breaking all the lawn furniture." She hopped over to the battered chair and stood it back up on its feet.

  "I think that's the most you've said since you got home," Maureen observed with a sad smile.

  "I think it's about time you had some kind of reaction to all this," Robert added, looking at her over the tops of his glasses.

  Emily turned to face Owen and Katharine, who hadn't said anything. "Look, I've got eight weeks of chemotherapy left. My oncologist thinks the amputation caught all the cancer, but the bone shattered so badly, that was the reason for her recommending the chemo. I promise you, if anything changes with regard to my prognosis, I will call Ann without delay." She paused and looked at them with fervent eyes. "I love her more than I could ever put into words, and when I see her again, I want it to be as a whole person who's finally capable of offering her everything she deserves in a relationship. I don't want her to see me sick five days out of every seven, and losing my hair, and so pre-occupied with all this that I can't really concentrate on anything else."

  Katharine frowned as she studied her clasped hands in her lap. "Emily, I know you've been through more than we could possibly comprehend, but our family has already been fractured by this situation. Ann refuses to forgive Michael for what he did." She glanced over at Owen. "I realize you didn't invite us here and didn't contact us, but now that we know what has happened to you, we can't keep it from Ann. If we did, and she found out, it would destroy her trust in us, and I'm afraid the damage would be i
rreparable. We could avoid saying anything to her for…" she looked questioningly at Owen, "two weeks?" He nodded. "To give you time to contact her yourself, but I don't feel we could keep this from her longer than that."

  Emily stared at the patio bricks. "I haven't meant to cause any strife within your family…"

  "You didn't cause it, Emily," Owen interrupted, "Michael did. But you are involved. We hope you understand why we can't keep this from Ann."

  "I do. I just don't know... how to tell her…" she swallowed hard.

  "You'll find a way," Katharine said softly. She saw Emily shiver suddenly and realized how chilly the evening had become. "We'd better go," she said, laying a hand on Owen's arm.

  "Do you have to?" Emily asked.

  "I'm afraid so," Owen said. "I've got to be at work tomorrow."

  They went into the house. Emily hopped toward the foyer and turned to Katharine to say good-bye. To her surprise, Katharine took her into her arms and gave her a long embrace. Owen shook hands with Maureen and Robert, inviting them to come to Massachusetts so they could return the hospitality.

  "They seem like very nice people," Maureen said as the rental car backed out of the driveway.

  "They are," Emily agreed. "I'm very glad they got to meet you. Thank you for setting this up. It helped to have an opportunity to explain to them... I can imagine what they must have been thinking."

  Robert put his arm around his daughter's shoulders and said, "They obviously think a great deal of you, or they wouldn't have gone to so much trouble to find out how you are."

  Emily smiled up at him. "Thanks, Dad."

  She began swinging back toward the kitchen to help with the dishes. She picked up a salad bowl and almost dropped it as she heard her father say with his typical dry humor, "Well, Mo, looks like we met the parents. Now we just need to meet our future daughter-in-law."

  Chapter 59

  Fumbling with her key, Ann unlocked her apartment. It was after midnight, and she was dead tired. It was finals week, and she only had chemistry left to go. She'd spent the evening trying to help Maggie whose biggest obstacle was her panic when she looked at a chemistry question. Dropping her book bag next to the sofa, she saw her answering machine light was blinking. She pushed the button on her way into the kitchen, expecting to hear one of her parents' voices. She stopped mid-stride when she heard Emily's voice instead.

  "Ann, this is Emily." Ann hurried to the machine and leaned closer as she listened. "I'm home with my family in Scranton. We really need to talk, but not on the machine... I know it's finals week. I'll try calling you later." There was a pause on the recording. "I hope you're well. I'll talk to you soon. Bye."

  Ann's heart slowly began beating again. She played the message three more times before going to sit on the couch, dazed. Emily's voice had sounded strange, but Ann wasn't sure she could trust her memory of what Emily used to sound like. She got out a map and tried to figure out how far away Scranton was. Calculating the mileage to inches, she estimated it would take nine or ten hours to get there. Her chemistry exam was scheduled for ten a.m. Thinking frantically, she called Dr. Lewinsky's office and left a voicemail explaining there was a family emergency and asking if she could possibly take the exam early. She left her telephone number, asking him to call when he got in.

  She went to bed and tried to sleep, but her brain wouldn't shut down. With her thoughts jumping back and forth between memories of Emily, chemistry equations and speculation as to why Emily might have called, she didn't sleep at all.

  She was already showered and was studying, as she forced herself to eat some breakfast, when Dr. Lewinsky called her at eight, telling her he would allow her to take the exam as soon as she could get to the science building. Two hours later, she was in the Toyota on her way to Pennsylvania.

  Chapter 60

  "Do you have her?" Maureen asked worriedly as she held the front door open for Robert, who carried Emily wrapped in a blanket out to the waiting car in the driveway. Settling her as comfortably as possible in the back seat, Maureen climbed in back with her, while Robert drove as quickly as he dared to the hospital. She had just been discharged yesterday, following this week's chemo, but she'd been running a slight temperature.

  "Your white cell count is down," Dr. Hall said, frowning at the latest blood test results. "I'd like you to stay in the hospital."

  "Please, no," Emily protested. "There's something I need to do." She'd made up her mind to call Ann that evening, knowing she'd have four days at home in case it took her awhile to catch Ann at her apartment.

  But overnight, her fever had climbed and she was now jaundiced. They called Dr. Hall who ordered them to take Emily to the ER immediately. She met the car when Robert pulled up to the doors. They got Emily into a wheelchair and took her straight upstairs to a room where Dr. Hall ordered a series of IVs, and drew more blood for current tests. Within an hour, Emily was violently ill, throwing up yellowish-green bile before anyone could grab a basin. Her gown and bedding all had to be changed while she sat in a chair, unable to stop vomiting.

  "What the hell is wrong with me?" she gasped in between bouts of being sick.

  "You've developed an intestinal infection, which is also affecting your liver," Dr. Hall explained. "I'm sorry. I should have insisted on keeping you yesterday. We could have kept you on meds which might have been able to get this under control before it got to this point."

  Emily couldn't tolerate lying down. Every time she did, she could feel her stomach contents starting to back up again. With a blanket wrapped around her shoulders, she stayed sitting up in bed. She ordered the nurse's aide out of the room when a food tray was brought. As the medicines started to take effect, the vomiting spells became less frequent, and she was able to rest a bit.

  "Go home and eat, get some rest," she insisted weakly that afternoon to Robert and Maureen who had remained with her all day. "I think I might be able to sleep a little now."

  "Are you sure?" Maureen asked worriedly.

  "Yes," Emily responded with a wan smile.

  "We'll be back later then," Maureen said, kissing her on the forehead.

  "Okay."

  Emily drifted off into a restless sleep, still sitting up against pillows.

  Ann got to the Scranton outskirts as the last bits of sunlight were fading from the western sky. She'd made better time than her estimate, but only because she hadn't passed any police cars to catch her as she sped along the highways. Realizing she didn't know which exit to take to get to the Warners' house, she pulled off the interstate and into a gas station to try calling. Dialing the telephone number, she realized her fingers were trembling.

  "Hello?" a child's voice answered the phone on the third ring.

  "Is this the Warner house?" Ann asked uncertainly.

  "Yes."

  "Is Emily there?"

  "No. She's still in the hospital," said the young voice innocently.

  "Is there a grown-up there?" Ann asked, still uncertain she had the right house.

  "No. They'll be here later."

  "Thank you," Ann said as she hung up. The hospital? She called the hospitals listed in the telephone book until she found the one that had an Emily Warner as a patient, and then asked the gas station attendant for directions. When she found it, she entered and asked for Emily at the information desk.

  "Room 451," she was told by the older man volunteering at the desk.

  Taking the elevator up to the fourth floor, Ann's heart was pounding, though whether more from apprehension about why Emily was in the hospital or nervousness about seeing her, she couldn't tell.

  She walked along the corridor, scanning the room numbers and names. 451. Warner, E. The door was pulled halfway closed. Knocking softly, she pushed the door open and peeked into the room.

  Ann felt she had walked into a nightmare. The patient in the room was sitting on the edge of the bed, vomiting into a large basin. She couldn't tell at first whether the emaciated, bald person in the gown was male or
female, but she noticed only one leg hanging out from under the hospital gown. She was about to back out of the room when the patient looked up and saw her.

  "I'm so sorry," she began, "I have the wrong –" She stared at the strangely familiar eyes of the person in the bed. "Emily?" she gasped, her hand flying to her mouth.

  Emily's face contorted as she tried to turn away. "Go!" she begged in a hoarse voice. When Ann didn't move, Emily looked back at her and saw the disgust and horror in her face. "Get out!" she rasped. A nurse emerged from the bathroom where she had been rinsing a washcloth in the sink.

  "Miss, you cannot be here now," the nurse said adamantly. "Please leave," she insisted as she backed Ann out of the room and pushed the door shut in her face.

  Reeling, Ann leaned against the wall of the corridor, trying to stop the world from spinning out of control around her.