Looking Through Windows

by Caren J. Werlinger

  "Are you all right? Are you ill?" asked a different nurse who was just coming from another room.

  Ann turned without answering and almost ran back to the elevator where several other people were also waiting. Seeing the door to the stairwell, she descended the stairs as fast as she could. She attracted curious stares as she rushed through the lobby, tears streaming down her face. When she got to her vehicle, she sat there, clutching the steering wheel and trying to get her breathing under control. All her brain seemed capable of was re-running images of Emily sitting there, looking like someone from a concentration camp. Unable to think, not knowing what else to do, she started the engine and began the drive back to Vermont.

  Chapter 61

  "Where is she?"

  "Doctor?"

  "Emily. Where is she?" Dr. Hall demanded. "It's after ten o'clock."

  Startled, the nurses at the station just looked at her. "She's not in her room?"

  "Obviously not," Dr. Hall retorted, trying not to lose her temper, "or I wouldn't be asking. She's pulled out all of her IV lines, her closet is empty and her crutches are missing." When the dumbfounded nurses continued to stare mutely at her, she barked, "Well, let's find her! She's only got one goddamned leg, she can't have gone too far!"

  Over an hour later, Dr. Hall received a call that Emily had been located in the garden outside the cafeteria.

  "You had me worried," she said quietly as she sat next to Emily on the bench. A half moon was just coming up over the rooftop of the hospital and shining down into the small garden. When Emily made no response, Dr. Hall sat silently beside her for several minutes. Finally, she asked, "What happened, Emily? I was told you had a visitor this evening, a young woman who came in at a bad time."

  Emily's face in the moonlight was like stone, the hollows of her cheeks and her eyes even more accentuated by the shadows. When she spoke, her voice was still hoarse from the irritation of vomiting most of the day. "She was my reason for getting well. But she's gone. She won't be back."

  "Why not?"

  Emily closed her eyes. "That's not the right question."

  "What's the right question?"

  "Why should she?"

  Dr. Hall watched Emily's face carefully. "Does she love you?"

  "She used to."

  "But she doesn't anymore?" Dr. Hall probed gently.

  "I thought she might still… even after everything that's happened. But her eyes… when she saw me tonight… no. She doesn't anymore. How could she?"

  "Emily, you've been here for almost two months. Why was she only now coming to see you? When did she find out what's happened to you?"

  "Tonight."

  Dr. Hall's eyes widened. "Do you mean to tell me she walked into your hospital room, today of all days, without knowing what to expect?"

  Emily didn't respond.

  "My God." Dr. Hall placed her arm around Emily's shoulders. "Emily, I don't know what could be going through her head or how she feels, but if she saw you for the first time this evening, with no idea of what had happened, then I think it's safe to assume that at least part of what you saw in her face was shock, plain and simple. Please, for your sake, give her a chance to absorb this. Talk to her."

  "I told her to go," Emily whispered, her stony façade dissolving into tears.

  "I know." Dr. Hall held her, letting her cry. "You didn't mean it. She may figure that out as she has time to take this all in."

  Chapter 62

  Ann got back to Weston about six o'clock in the morning. She sat for a while in the parking lot of her apartment building, but she couldn't bear the thought of being by herself just now. She drove over to Cris and Maggie's. Climbing the rickety stairs, she knew they wouldn't be up yet, but she knocked lightly anyway.

  "Please hear me," she begged.

  As if in answer to her plea, Cris opened the door. "Ann, what in the world is going on? Come in," she insisted, taking Ann by the hand and leading her into the living room where she had exam papers spread out on the coffee table. She sat Ann down on the couch and sat beside her. "Where have you been?" she asked, her dark eyes scanned Ann's face worriedly. "You weren't in the chemistry exam. We've been worried to death."

  "I went to Pennsylvania," Ann said numbly. "I got a message from Emily."

  "Emily's back in the country? Start at the beginning."

  Ann closed her eyes, trying to think. It was difficult, her brain felt sluggish. "Um, the night before last, when I left here, there was a message from Emily saying she was home with her family in Scranton and that we needed to talk."

  "So did you? Talk?" Cris asked when Ann just looked at her.

  "No… no," Ann said fuzzily.

  "How long has it been since you slept?" Cris demanded.

  "I'm not sure… I guess three nights ago."

  "Ann," Cris said tenderly, "you're safe here. You need to sleep, and then we'll talk. Here, lie down," she said, positioning a pillow for Ann's head. As Ann obeyed, Cris covered her with a blanket, gently brushing her hair off her face. Ann fell asleep almost immediately, and didn't wake until nearly noon. Groggily, she sat up, not sure where she was at first.

  Cris and Maggie heard her stir and came out of the kitchen where they had been talking quietly, trying not to disturb her.

  "Are you all right?" Maggie asked, concerned.

  "I think so," Ann replied.

  "You probably haven't eaten for as long as you haven't slept," Cris said. "Why don't you go wash, and I'll whip up some omelettes. Maggie, see if you can find an extra toothbrush, will you?"

  Half an hour later, Ann's plate was empty and she sat with a cup of coffee in her hands.

  "Now, let's start again," Cris said. "The night you and Maggie studied, you went home and there was a message from Emily saying she was with her family and that you two needed to talk."

  Ann nodded. "I couldn't sleep at all after that. I took the chemistry exam early and left right after for Pennsylvania."

  "So you went there without actually talking to Emily?" Maggie clarified.

  "Yes. I got there, I don't know, about seven or eight that evening. I called her parents' house, but a child answered and told me Emily was in the hospital. I got directions to the hospital and went there." At this point, Ann's throat got tight, and she closed her eyes as if trying to shut out the image even as she described it. "I thought I had the wrong room for a minute, she was…"

  "She was what?" Cris asked gently when Ann couldn't continue.

  Ann opened her eyes and tears spilled down her cheeks. "She's really sick, she may be dying. She's lost a leg, she's so thin… bald. Her eyes… I almost didn't recognize her. I don't understand. She seemed fine in Zurich. What could have happened?" She wiped her tears from her cheeks.

  "She's really missing a leg?" Maggie asked solemnly. Ann nodded. "Did she see you? What happened?"

  "When I walked in, she was throwing up. She saw me and told me to get out. Then a nurse made me leave. I just left. I never got to talk to her."

  "Oh, Ann," Cris murmured sympathetically, laying a hand on Ann's arm. "I don't think Emily really wanted you to go, she just didn't want you to see her like that."

  Ann lifted her eyes hopefully to Cris's. "You think so?"

  "Yes, I do. That's why she wanted to talk to you first. She probably wanted to explain, to tell you what's been going on. She never expected you to just show up and walk in like that," Cris said gently.

  "I didn't know what to say or do," Ann murmured. Ashamed, she whispered, "I almost ran out of the hospital."

  "This was a really unfortunate situation for both of you," Cris pointed out. "What a shock that must have been for you. No one could expect you to act like this was a normal visit when you had no warning."

  "How do I apologize for walking away?" Ann sat morosely with her forehead resting in her hands, staring down at her coffee. Maggie and Cris looked at each other.

  "What a mess," Maggie muttered.

  "It's probably a good guess that Emily has
some kind of cancer, Ann," Cris said quietly. "You two have been apart now longer than you were together." She hesitated for a few seconds, then decided to express her next thought. "If you don't want to get involved with her again, or can't deal with all of this, she gave you the perfect out by telling you to leave."

  Ann sat so still, Cris wasn't sure she'd heard, but then she lifted her head and looked at Cris, her eyes hard and icy.

  "Do you think I'm so shallow that I would be scared off if she does have cancer?" she asked angrily. "Or maybe you think this was just a fling that doesn't really mean anything. I know we've been apart longer than we were together, and every day of that time apart has been an eternity to me. My feelings for her haven't weakened or wavered; if anything, I love her more now than I ever have."

  Cris sat back with a satisfied smile. "Well then, maybe you should find a way to say all of that to Emily."

  Chapter 63

  Dr. Hall insisted on keeping Emily in the hospital to get the infection completely under control, which didn't happen until her next round of chemotherapy was scheduled to begin. Emily's color was better as the jaundice resolved, and the nausea from the chemo seemed minimal in comparison to what she'd been through with this infection. Dr. Hall was more worried, not less, however, because Emily had sunk into a depression that she felt was more dangerous to her recovery than anything physical.

  "She's lost five more pounds," Dr. Hall told Robert and Maureen in her office. "She's barely eating anything. I don't want to put her on anti-depressants if we can help it; she doesn't need more drugs in her system. I've tried asking someone from psych to see her, but she won't talk. Her doctor in Germany was concerned that she wasn't exhibiting any of the normal grief responses we would expect to see in someone who has been through everything she has."

  Robert glanced anxiously at Maureen and said, "This isn't the only thing Emily is dealing with." He briefly described the prior emotional trauma of Emily's relationship with Caroline. Maureen stoically tried to stem her tears as she heard details of this story for the first time.

  Dr. Hall slumped back in her chair. "How much can one person deal with?" she sighed, removing her glasses to rub her eyes. She looked at both of them. "Her cancer most likely isn't terminal. I think we have an excellent chance of successfully eradicating it. But I don't know how much more she can take psychologically or emotionally. When I look into her eyes, I see no hope in them at all. She doesn't feel there's any reason to get well without Ann in her life, and that makes a lot more sense now knowing about her past. Do you know how to get in contact with Ann?"

  Maureen frowned and shook her head, wiping her teary eyes. "No, but we know her parents. We'll call them."

  Later that afternoon, when Dr. Hall went to the hospital to make her rounds, she was stopped by Emily's nurse, Doris. "Wait till you see," she said excitedly.

  Peering into Emily's room, Dr. Hall was flabbergasted to see nearly the entire room filled with flowers: lilies, irises, roses. "What's this?" she asked, laughing, trying to find the bed in the midst of all the greenery.

  For the first time in days, Emily's face had some life to it. She smiled and said, "They're from Ann." She extended the note that had come with the flowers.

  Dr. Hall took it and read,

  Emily, I hope you can forgive me for walking in on you like I did. I still don't know what's happening with you, but I love you more than I could possibly put into words. Please call me when you can. I will be waiting, as I've been waiting for you my entire life. Ann.

  Emily was amused by Dr. Hall's reaction as she removed her glasses and wiped her eyes. Clearing her throat, she grinned and said, "Well I'll be damned."

  Chapter 64

  "Are you serious?" Maggie asked, ducking under a low-hanging branch as she, Cris and Ann rode along a trail through the woods. "Your parents actually chartered a plane and flew out to see Emily?"

  "Yeah," Ann replied as she guided Meg through a small stream. Cris and Maggie's mounts followed.

  "Ann, do you have any idea how incredible that is? How fortunate you are?" asked Cris who was clutching the mane of the gelding she rode.

  Ann smiled. "I am, I know. I was a little angry at first that they didn't tell me about it right away, but they were trying to give Emily a chance to call me herself before they said anything."

  They got to a grassy clearing in the woods. "How about this spot?" Ann asked.

  "This looks good," Cris said hastily.

  "Hold on," Ann giggled, "I'll hold your horse near this log so you can dismount."

  Cris slid gratefully off the saddle and promptly sat down on the log. "You do this for fun?" she asked, looking up at Ann as if she were crazy.

  Turning her back to Cris, Ann unloaded the lunch they had packed behind Meg's saddle. "Wait until after lunch. We'll be jumping fences then," she teased with a wink at Maggie.

  Within a few minutes, they had spread a blanket on the ground and were eating while the horses were permitted to graze nearby.

  "So, that was why Emily called you last week?" Maggie asked in between bites.

  "I guess. We still haven't spoken." Ann tore a bit of bread off her sandwich and tossed it to a curious squirrel who was chattering at them from a nearby tree. A frown furrowed her brow. "I had already sent Emily an apology and a message to call me when she can, but then her parents called mine. It sounds as if she had gone into a serious depression, and her doctor was really worried about her." Ann absentmindedly took another bite of her sandwich.

  "I can't imagine my family getting this involved if anything happened to me or Maggie," Cris said solemnly. "Do you know how Emily is now?"

  Ann shook her head. "I'm still waiting for her to call. I'm trying to leave it in her control."

  "How long will you wait?" Maggie asked, her head tilted to one side as she watched Ann's expression.

  Ann thought about what her mother had told her of their conversation with Emily. "As long as it takes."

  Maggie scoffed and shook her head. "Not me. I think I'd be about over this by now."

  Ann glanced quickly at Cris, in time to see the shadow that passed over her expression. Maggie didn't seem to have noticed.

  It turned out Ann didn't have to wait long. The telephone rang that evening about eight.

  "Hi," came Emily's voice over the handset.

  Ann dropped into a chair, and pressed her hand to her eyes. "Hi."

  There was an awkward pause for a few seconds, then, "Thank you for the flowers. And the message. It meant… a lot to know how you feel," Emily murmured.

  "I have a million questions," Ann said softly.

  "I know. I'm not even sure where to start." She paused. "I know about Michael and why you never called at Christmas."

  "I'm so sorry, Emily. When I found out what he'd done…"

  "I was running to your hotel when my knee exploded… literally. I was unconscious for two days, and when I woke up… my leg is amputated," Emily said tentatively.

  "I saw… is it cancer?"

  "Yes. An osteosarcoma. I'm on chemo three days a week. I just got out of the hospital a couple of hours ago until next week."

  Ann swallowed hard, not wanting to ask her next question. "What… what is your prognosis?" she finally managed to get out.

  "It's good. Better than good. The doctors seem to think amputating immediately got it all. The chemo is more a precaution than anything." She thought she heard Ann crying. "Are you all right?" she asked quietly as her own throat tightened.

  It was a few seconds before Ann could answer. "Yes." She took a deep breath. "I told you in my note that I would be here waiting." It was hard to talk. "What I don't know is if you still want me in your life?"

  Emily closed her eyes. "Ann, there has never been anyone else. I don't think there ever could be."

  "I'll come to be with you; I'll wait here for you. I just need for you to be honest with me about what it is you need now."

  Ann could hear Emily breathing. Her own heart was
pounding so hard it hurt.

  "Would you understand if I asked you to wait there?" Emily asked so softly that Ann had to strain to hear. "I know it's asking a lot, more than I have any right to. I've got five weeks of chemo left, and then I'll be able to come to you."

  "Five weeks?" Ann felt her disappointment more keenly than she would have expected. "I'll wait. But –"

  "I promise you, I will call you if anything changes," Emily said, reading her mind.