HIS OBSESSION-To Load

by Beck, J. L.

  Hell, not even a few rounds of hate fucking Sofia had done much to calm me down. I’d been almost too angry to go to bed with her last night but she was yapping so much about the way I felt about Mia that I had to do something to shut her up and to try to stop thinking about Mia walking hand in hand with that prick. AGGGH! I was going ballistic. It felt like some kind of atomic bomb was about to go off inside my brain.

  I had to talk to Mia. That was it.

  I’d been waiting around all damn day, going through the motions at the hardware store and taking care of my business, and now I was here to talk with my girl. She would have to talk to me here. I knew that this time of day, her place was likely to be pretty dead and we could actually talk.

  Plus I didn’t figure she would lock the door on me or slam it shut in my face as would be the case if I just showed up at her home again. Damn, that was stupid that night. What the hell was I thinking?

  I strode up to the counter and waited a few moments. I thought about calling out for Mia but I figured I’d entice her into thinking I was just some run of the mill customer. So, like a good, paying customer I rang her little bell on the counter. It dinged loudly.

  “Coming!” I heard Mia call from the back.

  I kept thinking about a moment the night before at the bowling alley. I knew I hadn’t imagined it. It was too perfect. The look on Mia’s face when she saw me there with Sofia was priceless. If I didn’t know better, I would swear I saw a flash of jealousy in her eyes. It was beautiful. It was only for a few seconds, but I saw her staring at Sofia like she wanted to kill her with her bare hands. Now, that was a fight I’d pay good money to see. The catfight of the century for sure. Mia was a good girl, but I had a feeling she was a scrapper and would whip Sofia’s privileged, skanky ass to the street real fast. It would have been beautiful.

  Of course, I couldn’t be sure that Mia was jealous of Sofia. They hated each other for reasons that had nothing to do with me. Mostly I imagine it was because of Sofia’s wonderful personality. But if I was right about it, then that was solid evidence that Mia really did want me back. Even if she would never admit to it, I was certain that I felt something between us. When we were together there was this spark, this glow that I knew wasn’t just something I felt. It was hard to explain because I’ve never had that with anyone else, and if I believed in soulmates then I would tell you that this feeling was a sign from above that this was the person you were supposed to be with.

  Mia walked through the doorway that led back to her kitchen and into the front counter area. It took her a few seconds to realize that I was the one standing there. She was wiping her hands almost furiously with a damp towel and she looked a bit frazzled. Running this bakery and doing most of the baking yourself was probably a lot for anyone to take on. Hell running the hardware store was killing me and I didn’t have to manufacture any of the tools we sold.

  When she did make the connection that I was the one who had rang the bell her face turned cold and her eyes narrowed into slits, almost snake like. It was actually pretty sexy. She always did look hot as hell when she was angry. I loved the way she got so fired up about things. She had that light, that passion deep inside of her.

  I wonder if she ever put it together that sometimes I made her mad on purpose just so I could see that sexy look.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” Mia asked. Her voice was cold and filled with an almost boiling rage.

  “I came to talk,” I said matching her anger with my own. It was always fantastic to see her but I was getting fed up with being patient and being given the runaround by her.

  “We have nothing to talk about,” Mia said. “Leave my business. Consider yourself officially banned.”

  “Now, I don’t know how well you are doing here, but I don’t think you are in any position to go banning paying customers, now are you?” I said with a cheeky grin as I pulled a twenty dollar bill out of my pocket. I was one of the few people in the world who still loved the feel of actual cash in my hand.

  “I don’t want your business,” Mia said. “And I have nothing to say to you. Now get out. I have a lot of work to get done.”

  “Cut the crap, Mia,” I said. “I’ve had enough of this game you’re playing.”

  Mia looked at me like I was a germ and then smiled with an almost mocking laughter. Oh, my blood was starting to get hot.

  “What the hell are you talking about?” She asked.

  “Don’t play stupid with me,” I said. “You and this guy, Tony… why are you wasting his time? Let him go. He doesn’t deserve to have his mind and his heart played with.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know a thing about Tony. And where are you getting the idea that I’m playing with his mind? Our relationship is really none of your business.”

  “Bullshit!” I said, my voice rising. “You are clearly just using him to either make me jealous, or as a boy toy until you come to your senses and decide to give us a serious try.”

  Mia laughed and shook her head.

  “You are delusional. There is nothing between you and me. That ended a long time ago. You ended it, remember?”

  I looked at her for a second trying to deduce just how much of a game she might be playing. Maybe she was being real with me. Was it possible that I was so wrapped up in her and the idea of us being together again that I was actually driving myself a bit crazy? I knew that was more than just a possibility, but I wasn’t so sure. Mia was the smartest woman I’d ever known. Hell, I knew her mind could think circles around me, but I wasn’t going to deny what I felt right then. I truly felt that I was doing the right thing.

  “I know I did,” I said. “I’ve never denied that all of that was my fault. But I still stand by it as being the right decision at the time. But I’m not here to rehash the past.”

  “Then why the hell are you here? Rehashing the past is about all you seem to do,” Mia said. “You are perpetually stuck in it. You really think that we can just pick up where things left off four years ago. Well, we are both different people. And like I told you before, it’s not going to happen. I don’t love you anymore. I don’t want you.”

  I didn’t answer for a moment. The rage overtaking me was so extreme I was afraid of what I might say if I didn’t take a moment to calm myself.

  After a few moments, I found the words. “I really think you need to be honest with yourself,” I said. “I saw that look in your eyes last night. I didn’t imagine it. That was clear as day, the way you looked at me. I saw the joy in your face for that split second when you saw me and then that sweet, almost seductive look you gave me when you looked back before getting into Tony’s truck. I did not imagine any of that.”

  Mia placed her hand on the back of her neck.

  “I think you’ve lost it,” she said. “I think you need to talk to someone. This isn’t a joke anymore. You are sounding almost creepy. That’s like something a stalker might think.”

  I laughed loudly, tossing my head back. Stalker? Really?

  “Wow, that is rich,” I said. “So, now I’m a stalker? Please.”

  “Get out of my store or I’ll call the cops,” Mia said.

  “Sure, you will,” I said. My voice was taking on a violent, almost demonic sound that I did not care for and hadn’t heard for a long while. And frankly, it kind of scared me.

  But I was running too hot by then. My frustration and total blackout level of rage was overshadowing all of the rational thought that I had in my head. I was feeling a lot like the old Jake from my teenage years. That was the Jake I’d worked so hard to get away from in the Army, the Jake that I knew would never deserve a girl like Mia, a Jake that I was certain would most likely have ended up in prison and possibly leave Mia to raise our future children on her own.

  That was the Jake that I was even too scared to tell her was the real reason I had left her then. I’d done it to fix myself and to change the stupid dangerous path I was on. I’d done it all for her. But
if I explained it to her this way, I wasn’t sure she’d understand. I wasn’t sure she really cared to understand it anymore.

  I slammed my fist down on the counter. It collided with on the glass with a loud thud. If it had been weaker glass I would have shattered it and most likely sent myself to the hospital for a bunch of stitches. The donuts inside the display case shelves beneath the counter vibrated and jiggled changing their positions and ruining the artistic display.

  “Dammit!” I howled. “Why are you doing this to me? You think I’m going crazy? Well, if I am it’s your fault. I’m not sure how much longer I can go on knowing how close you are to me but not being able to be with you. Mia, you are all I think about. You are the very reason I came back. And I know you will never believe this, but you are the reason I left. I’ve given everything to you and yet you continue to push me away. You were so in love with me once. Why are you fighting it now? It isn’t just the past. I know that. What is it?”

  Mia was walking backwards. Tears were welling up in her beautiful eyes. She was scared. I was scaring her. What the hell was I doing? How could I ever scare the woman I loved?

  I tried to calm myself down but it wasn’t working. I felt like I had stepped outside myself and I was watching a movie of my life unfolding in front of me. I was watching myself doing stupid things but I wasn’t really there and I could do nothing to stop it.

  Mia’s words choked out of her sweet lips.

  “Jake… please… just leave…”

  “No!” I yelled. “I will not leave until you tell me how you really feel.”

  “No… Jake…,” Mia said. “If you don’t leave, I am seriously calling the cops.”

  “I don’t care,” I said. I truly didn’t. If it took me being arrested to force Mia to admit that she loved me then I would gladly spend some time behind bars. I was obsessed with hearing those words from her mouth.

  “Jake…please…”

  “Tell me,” I said.

  “W—w—what?” Mia stammered.

  I hated that she was so upset, but I was convinced she was really doing this to herself. I’d tried to be nice and patient with her but she was too far withdrawn for me to reach her that way. I saw the way she looked at me. I knew how she once felt about me and I simply refused to accept that her feelings had really changed for me that much.

  But she was too scared to admit it to herself. Until she did, then nothing would ever change. She would never allow herself to give in to her feelings and we would never be together.

  “Say that you love me,” I demanded.

  “N—n—no… I don’t…” Mia sobbed.

  “Yes, you do,” I said. “You do love me Mia. I can feel it.”

  “Jake, you are crazy. This isn’t right,” Mia said. “I’m calling the police.”

  “You know, you keep saying that, but I notice you haven’t done it,” I said. “Why?”

  “Jake, get out of my store.”

  “You haven’t called the cops because you couldn’t bear to see me in handcuffs,” I said. “And you know what? I couldn’t bear for you to see me in handcuffs, which is one of the main reasons I left you.”

  Mia looked like I’d just slapped her. Tears were streaming down her face, but suddenly her face straightened. She looked as if she were trying to solve a difficult word puzzle in her head.

  Dammit. Why did I let that slip out?

  “What are you talking about?” Mia asked.

  “Forget about it,” I replied.

  “No, you said it,” she said. “What did you mean by that?”

  I sighed and leaned against the counter. After a moment, I looked up at Mia. She was wiping her eyes. The tension in the air was now shifting to something else altogether. An odd calmness had now come over me.

  Maybe I had something of my own to admit. Hell, maybe I should have just been clean with her from the start. Now that it was out there, it suddenly didn’t seem so damn scary anymore.

  “I enlisted in the Army to keep out of jail,” I said.

  Mia didn’t say anything. She stood there staring at me with a mixture of shock and confusion.

  “What are you talking about? Jail? For what?”

  “A few weeks before my friend Bobby Gaines and I were hanging out down by the railroad tracks and we were drinking and just shooting the breeze. Well, after several beers when we were just getting ready to leave another car shows up. A few tough looking guys get out of the car. It turns out that Bobby owes them some money for drugs. I didn’t even know he was into that crap. Anyway a fight starts. I intervened to try to help Bobby.”

  “Jesus,” Mia said.

  “Yeah,” I said softly.

  “So, what happened?”

  “At some point, I’m not even sure when because I didn’t see it, but Bobby pulls out a switchblade and stabs one of the guys. The other guys get scared, grab their bleeding friend, hop in their car and speed off.”

  “Oh, my God…” Mia gasped with her hands over her mouth. “Did he…”

  “No. Luckily the guy lived. If that blade had been an inch more to the left it would have it his heart and he would have died, but he was ok. However, since this happened a week before my eighteenth birthday and I was still a juvenile with no previous criminal record, the judge went easy on me. I had a choice. He asked me what my plans were after high school and I told him I didn’t really know. He gave me the choice of charging me as an accessory to an assault with a deadly weapon and charging me as an adult with six months in jail or I could enlist in the military and have my record wiped clean. I chose to go to the military.”

  “Why did you keep this from me?” Mia asked. “What the hell? Did I even know you at all?”

  “Mia, listen to me,” I said. “I did that for you. I couldn’t have you thinking of me that way. I couldn’t go to jail and there was no way, I wanted you to think that if you stuck with me then there was a chance your future husband, the future father of your kids, would be some inmate in a correctional facility. I was never going to have you or our kids visiting me in jail. There was no way. I had to face the facts that I was on the road to somewhere wrong. The opportunity to go to the military was there so I took it. I knew it would make me a better man, the kind of man you deserved and the kind of man I wanted to be for you. I did it for you. Everything I’ve ever done in my life has been for you.”

  Mia was bawling now, tears rolling down her sweet cheeks. I felt wracked with guilt, for the things I’d done in the past, and for not just being honest with her sooner. I felt it was the best way. I’d made that gamble and I’d been so dead wrong. But I was here to make things right, finally. Why couldn’t she see that?

  “Get out,” Mia said. “I can’t be near you right now. I wish you’d never come back here. You do nothing but cause me pain. That’s all you’ve done for four years.”

  “Mia, no. We have to talk about this,” I demanded.

  Just then, the door behind me opened and the bell rang. I lowered my voice and tried to be calm so as not to scare off a potential customer for Mia who was also quickly trying to wipe her tears and put on a pleasant face.

  “What the hell is going on?”

  That voice…

  I turned around quickly to see Tony standing there looking almost as pissed off as I felt.

  “Nothing, Tony,” Mia said. “It’s ok.”

  “No, it’s not,” Tony huffed walking towards me.

  If he tried to start something with me, I knew I was going to deck him. I wouldn’t have been able to help myself. I had too much crap stirred up in my head and I didn’t care where I was. I was not going to be intimidated or pushed around by this twerp. I was fighting for Mia and if I had to fight him and knock him out of the damn way to get it done, then I was fully prepared to do it.

  “None of your business,” I said. “I’m talking with Mia.”

  “Mia, are you ok?” Tony asked. “Why are you crying? What did he do to you?”

  “Nothing,” Mia said. “We
were just talking.”

  “Yeah, so take a hike and let us finish our talk,” I said stepping into Tony’s face.

  “Like hell I will,” Tony said.

  Without warning, he put his stinking paws on my chest and shoved me back. I was standing strong and bracing myself in case something did go down but he had some strength behind the push and I staggered back against the counter pretty hard.

  “Tony, stop!” Mia yelled.

  “You fucker!” I shouted.

  I couldn’t control it anymore. The rage buried inside of me I’d worked so hard to control and deal with was out of hand right now. I could not stop myself from what happened next.

  I swung a hard right cross at Tony and connected with his jaw.

  He dropped quickly to the ground. His face was contorted into a sweet grimace of pain. I felt powerful and just for what I’d done. This bastard was not going to come between me and my angel anymore.

  “Jake, don’t! I’m calling the cops!”

  “He started it! This is on him!” Turned and yelled back at Mia.

  This was just enough time for Tony to spring to his feet and swing one of his meaty fists at my face. I saw it coming at the last second but was unable to move out of the way entirely in time. It connected with decent force on my cheek just below my eye.

  I felt my knees buckle but I did not go down.

  Quickly focusing myself on the attack I watched with a growing sense of dread as Tony swung another fist towards me. It was almost like watching a choreography in slow motion. I felt like I had done this dance a hundred times. And I had actually. In the military, we had a lot of hand to hand combat training and I’d been good enough to get into some actual boxing while I was there. I even had a few amateur matches and I’d won them all.

  Almost by instinct, I lifted my left arm and blocked the punch coming towards me. As I did so I stepped forward and putting all of my weight into it laid a huge right fist into the middle of Tony’s bread basket. I heard him make a strange gurgling sound as all of the air was knocked out of his body and his lanky ass toppled to the floor wheezing in pain.